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so ive been thinking over the course of the past few weeks….ive been thinking a lot actually.
im realizing that my story….
if you were to right a book about my life… and if you wrote the final page today…
my story would not be complete.
at least… i hope not.
for you see, my story is not one of finding inner healing. of baring the deepest parts of my soul to an Almight and Loving God… and finding healing. my story would have many chapters written, unchangably, in the first person. because a lot of times – there was no second, or third.
my story would find me striving for… fighting… for survival.
it would not neccessarily be one of victory in all battles.
it would be a story of survival.
of a prodigal son.
a sinner.
i guess ive found myself in a beatiful letdown.
im constrained by my heart to follow hard after my God. every time i attempt to press into His presence, im overwhelmed by my mistakes. by my sins. i long to simply run away from this feeling. from this God who loves me. and into the sweet embrace of nothingness. to escape from pain. from hurt. from moments that would stretch me… and let me grow. i dont want to lose anything else. so i run.
i want to run from the One Being, i want to blame… the One Being, i can blame… the One Being, who is blameless.
an almighty God… and a family, lives in ruin.
an almighty God… and through all the stormclouds… a lining. sometimes… only the shadow of a lining of hope.
my story doesnt revolve around a life dominated recently of powerful moves of an almighty God. my story doesnt show Gods moving in the “parting of the red sea” or “fire from heaven”.
my story centers on a quiet, hardly discernable “i am still here” that has reverberated through every circumstance, every battle won… and lost.
His love is perfect. and how i ever got to the point that i would run FROM it… rather than to it… i dont know if i can undestand it.
i absolutely despise so much of who ive become.
i hate that His Presence isn’t the first thing i run to when i hurt.
i hate that my life doesnt reflect His love.
i hate that my heart, my mind, my actions – dont line up with His desires for me to live a pure life.
i hate that i feel so…. unholy.
i run from the shame. i run beacause of the shame. i run because i know that people arent as forgiving as a Holy God. i run, because i cant stand who ive become when i stop running.
im scared.
im scared that if i stop… that things will catch up with me. and ill never start again.
ultimately, im afraid that if i do stop… and let down my guard…
people will see… they’ll see me. for all of who i am. sinful, dirty, unholy… wrong.
they’ll see the facets of who i am that i try to hide…
they’ll see the facets ive become so good at covering, that i sometimes can pretend they’re not even there.
but they are. and they will, in one form or another, always be there. its what makes me human. they are what make me in need of a saviour. of a champion.
of the One who through it all…
is still there.
things change.old dreams come true.
and as a result – other dreams are reawakened.
life is never so constant as to be boring…. if it ever was – would it be considered living?
friendships can change. people change.
but one thing remains the same.
faith, hope and love.
but the greatest of these – is love.
so help me to be brave. to reach out for broken dreams. to pick up the pieces and ignore the scars… to be more determined… to look for the light. help me to love. help me to fight.
dreams come true in some of the weirdest ways.
and it sometimes takes only a moment for your world to become just a little bit bigger, and yourself… just a little bit smaller.
sometimes it takes those moments to really show you a part of who you are. sometimes its only when the surface is peeled away… do we get an honest look at the truth…
somtimes, it only takes one of those moments to make you realize who you truly are.
and what you truly need.
we try so hard to put on a good front. we try and try to be strong… to keep a “stiff upper lip”. we try to keep going. to keep walking through life… we try… and we fail.
my ealier posts from this week ring with a very piercing note of truth…
that truth being, that im not ok. but in all honesty, I was the one trying to put on a good front. I was the one trying to keep a stiff upper lip. I am the one trying.. and failing… to be strong.
the choices we make, and the mistakes that we chose will walk with us forever. the decisions of those we love, and those who love us, will forever impact and change who we are…
that much – we will never be able to change. no amount of being strong – will ever stop consequences…
its what we do after that counts.
and in all honesty…
thats when we are truly alive.
i havent seen my mom or sisters in 10 months exactly.happy freakin anniversary
it seems ive spent the last few days/weeks doing a lot of that. remembering. reminiscing. looking back atwho i was
where i was
family
friends
life.
realizing that so much has changed. and beyond that, realizing how much i miss…. so much… of what is gone.
maybe i am guilty of looking back to much. maybe im guilty of looking back with… with my hole, instead of looking forward with hope.
i spent some of friday nite at a celebration of the Jewish holiday of Succot.
succot, in a nutshell is the holiday that is celebrated to remember the two instances that God came and ‘visited’ or ‘lived with’ man. the sermon-ish sharing from the leader of the congregation was good. made me think. but id lie if i didnt say that inside of me was screaming out with cynicism. doubt. fear. anger. and at times… hatred.
this God who is supposed to be with us.
this God who allows my sister to weigh 82 lbs.
this God who allowed my father to commit the most heinous acts immaginable.
this God who KNEW my family would be split….
Christmas is only 10 weeks away. not even three months. im supposed to have the cash to fly down to be with my mom and sisters for Christmas and – honestly – i dont have any idea where that money is coming from. on top of that, i need a suit for business. my car goes in to the shop this weekend… i mean… come on. where is an airplane ticket supposed to come from?
last year, my mom and sisters spent christmas nite at a dennys. dennys. i will never again set foot inside of that restuarant.
im sick of lying to myself. im sick of trying to be ok with all of this. im sick of trying to put a pretty little bow on the past two years and pretend that everything that happened is ok. because its not. it will never be ok. i am not ok. and screw you if you think i should move on.
can you blame me if ive been looking for solace in all the wrong places? can you blame me if ive run from the God who is supposed to love me?
maybe those arent the questions. maybe the question i should be asking…
do i see God in all of this?
or maybe all along… its just that were so small and simply not as strong…. strong like wings of silver and feathers made of gold. to carry heavy hearts, to cover all our helpless souls…. to cover all of us
nk8 was right.last nite, i was unable to find the words i wanted. tonite may be no different. but at least for tonite, i have something. and nk8 helped to put words to the picture in my mind.
it is a hole.
a big, giant, gaping hole in the center of my life. my thoughts. my heart.
me.
a hole in the center of who i am.
and im beginning to realize that – just like nk8 said – it may never leave.
im slowly just beginning to learn to adapt. to walk around it.
things always seem somehow clearer after talking with ones mom.so i sit here.. and ive not posted anything much lately.
there has been a lot goin on…
change will continue to occur.
the divorce is finally close to being finalized.
which, im guessing – means that dad may be leaving tx soon. not sure what i think of that. i guess, im just thankful that closure is… well, hopefully… its coming.
im hoping the light at the end of this tunnel is daylight….. and not an approaching train.
we’re (mom, sisters and i) are already planning for christmas already. isnt that scary? Christmas! wow.
why i find myself constantly trying to put labels on things… trying to – categorize – or organize my life into little pockets, ill never truly understand. maybe its control…
maybe its just be trying to understand all that is happening right now…
like i said earlier. i had a talk with my mom earlier this evening. first time, probably in months – that she and i have had a good heart to heart. and… no matter how hard my heart can get… knowing that she cares… and that she understands, at least a small part, of how ‘between’ ive been these past 2 years. its… its nice.
i miss her.
i got a good update on the circumstances goin on down there.
i knew things were tight… but it still sucks to know your mom and sisters are 1700 miles away, and are putting gas and groceries on the CREDIT card because your mom cant find work. she just got a job…
but… come on. how can i sit here and not question.
questions… they’re supposed to help you find answers right?
i find myself sitting here… and the one question… the ONE FREAKIN question i cant seem to answer… is how come i dont have more anger…
why is it, that all im feeling right now, is just a sense of… sadness…
its not even sadness….
just the feeling of knowing that to fight for this any longer… would be foolish. its like watching a best friend walk out on your life. knowing they will never look back.
its watching them walk out the door… down the walk, into the car… they drive down the street. and out of your life.
its a sadness that doesnt bring mourning of the deep kind… its the deep hurt of a knowing that… you cant do anything else.
that they’re gone.
forever.
what more can you do? you watch as the car disappears around the corner… you wait…. hoping against all hope that… maybe… just maybe.. life will immitate tv.
your best friend will realize what a mistake this was.
they’ll turn the car around.
and drive back into your life.
but that doesnt happen.
so you slowly turn, walk up the steps… into your house.
and you do the only thing you can do now. you get on with your life.
ive come to realize that no matter how long you sit, waiting at the gate for your perverbial “best friend” to come back… they never will. ive come to the place where i can feel the calling… to get up. and to slowly move on. and not just from the whole family thing. but from a few places in my life that ive just… hoped against hope… and clung to something i thought was good.
and honestly – in doing so… your life stops.
but the world doesnt. and it never will.
so, to those situations, and quite possibly… to those relationships that ive just been clinging too…
forgive me if i no longer wait.
because life is waiting… for me.
p.s.
so this was my feeble attempt at letting some of me.. flow onto the screen. its convoluted and fractured, i know. but its the best i can do. and honestly, i think…. its a representation of my life to this point.
portions of clarity….
surrounded by mystery and pain.
but as i said before….
and as ive said many times in the past…
this is the road i was chosen to walk.
so bring it on.
the way i see things… (and i could be wrong)the only time one will be named… or rather labeled… a fool
forever
is when he or she chooses to stop learning.
fools create for themselves the world they live in. and it is only created when they make the choice to simply stop learning from the decisions they’ve made – and the consequences of those decisions.
and the way i see things… i am only moments away from being a fool. and i will live every moment of every day seconds away from being a fool.
Lord, be the reason i remain sain. be the reason i continue to learn. be the reason my life is worth living…
help
6 months….
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 