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some people have all the right stuff stuff goin for them….
maybe im not one of those people.
22 years old and where do i find myself? thats a good question.
freefalling – weightless and terrified…..
clinging to all i know – and realizing that what i thought i knew….i didnt really know….
anyway. its late – and my mind wont shut up…but im in serious need of sleep. so im off.
i dont think im gonna end up saying a whole lot this fair eve.
been thinkin a lot about trust.
trust and faith to be exact.
they are not pretty things. they’re painful. they’re painful and greedy.
they demand – like petty 3 year olds – all you have… and if you dont give it to them… they – just like the 3 year old – are not at fault for anything going wrong. they demand all with no physical guarentee on the return….
they arent the wings that enable you to fly… they’re the driving forces that push you off the cliff and into the freefall of the future.
and the thing is – parachutes aren’t allowed….
someone once said that feelings were important. and i must agree. simply due to the fact that we’re born with them.
take suffering for example…or pain – if you prefer that word. there isn’t a human who’s ever lived who hasn’t expierenced suffering. be it emotional, physical or any other form… everyone has -at one time or another- been well aquantied with pain.
Jesus Christ Himself… while walking on this earth.. submitted Himself so strongly to the will of His father that He learned pain… through watching the heartbreak over the death of lazarus.
and Christs Father – God. expierenced suffering more than we will ever…. how? simple really…
we talk so much about giving our all to Christ.. to walking out our faith… and we nearly idolize those who’ve gone before us and given all they had. look at the martyrs… the romans got their kicks off of feeding the early christians to lions… boiling them in oil… and dipping their heads in tar, tying them to a post and lighting their heads on fire…. for light.
but God Himself gave more than that….
dying for what we believe is easy. giving our lives? giving ourselves? nothing…absoluty nothin…
God didnt give Himself… He gave the most important thing to Him… He watched His own son die.
how about you? would you let your own brother die for what you believed? would you sit there and watch your parents get hacked apart by rebels… all because you didnt renounce the God you follow? would you watch your little sister be defiled all because of your belief in something greater than the both of you?
thats harder… thats surrender… that- in a nutshell- is what God did to His son to draw us to Him….
i can give everything i am… that isnt even an issue anymore. id gladly take a bullet and face death itself for the things i believe in. but what about my family? or my friends?…
im not exactly sure why this is all on my mind right now… but i guess its a good thing. i havent blogged this much in quite some time.
anyway… i guess the question of the nite – what was God feeling? its written that, even though God is Love, He could not stand to look at His son. He had to turn His head and look away from the one being that was as much Him, as He was.
so maybe surrender isnt submitting my own preferences or choices… maybe surrender is giving everything. not just yourself, but all that you have. all that you’ve been given… all that brings you joy… to the will of a God who let His own Son die…. for me.
they say that that – is love. they say that love isnt a feeling. they say love is stronger than death. and they say love is something we all need…..
i had a realization just a moment ago
2:18am Saturday… july 10.
ya know – its weird too… because its not something i didnt know. just something i never realized.
as a christian, ive been called to live a life that is utterly impossible. a life that i will fail at every single time i try. a life that all christians are called to live, and only one christian completed succesfully…..
i am nothing. and i have nothing to offer…
every attempt ive made resulted in utter failure…
and only two words sum up anything good ive done
in Him.
my life
my love
my all
is found
in Him.
Hope is not a feeling of happiness; it is an awful feeling that compels us to survive. It is the knowledge that we must fight back against adversity. It is the choice to breathe through water-filled lungs. It is the refusal to die.
nite everyone
nothin from my camp today….
but from the camp of a certain friend in chili – a friend who i learn a lot from. a friend… who once again, left me speechless with her words comes this statement.
so other than.. “thank you”, i will leave you tonite with this:
how can you trust if you have never been tested? the simple answer is you can’t..and i’m not speakin in religious metaphors, i’m talking about life. and you are experiencing the worst of it. (not that i have to explain that to you, at all.) but a comment on the trusting thing……….everything you have trusted is falling apart…..and you should be on your knees, etc…..but you know what………….don’t get on your knees if you’re not feelin it…….wait until your heart is sincere, and then, get on your knees…..there is a reason why they are saying it…………. remember that, and then maybe one day… you will say it to.
as a precursor to my blog tonite… i read relevants article
here.
speaking of phone calls to make. i have one or two of my own.
i dont know if id consider myself on the ‘outs’ with a friend. but things arent exactly peachy. that i know for sure. its amazing how quickly things can change in any relationship. in the matter of a moment, a relationship – and even – ones whole life… can be permanently changed.
i dont know. maybe im not being as teachable as i can be. maybe my servants heart hasnt shown through enough. maybe i got tired. maybe… maybe im just losing the sense of trust i had in almost everything. maybe im going completely crazy. i dont know.
they say im supposed to trust the One who keeps the stars in the heavens and tells the tide when to come in… and when to go out. they say the One who has the whole world in His hands is worth my trust. they say that if we believe in Him, we can move mountains. they say He is worth us trusting Him with our very lives. they say it…. im struggling with it.
they say He’s trustworthy. i say – i want proof. i want to know why. why my family is falling apart? why am i 1700 miles away from them? why cant everything be normal and ok again? why is my sister fighting for her life?
trust? why is everything i EVER trusted falling to pieces in front of me…
why…..
and dont…dont you DARE give me some ‘christianese’ answer. if you aren’t walking in my shoes then shut the heck up…..
im not perfect. im not claiming to be. but i am moving on.
maybe i do need to be making that phone call. maybe i should be on my knees first.
i dunno…. but there is only one way to find out.
thats my word for tonite.
searching, wondering, looking….. lost.
11:18pm on sunday July 28. i dont know where im going. im searching for the path…im looking for His footsteps to follow. i dont know where im walking… and im begining to wonder if ive walked in a big circle….
questions… all i have are questions. and when i get answers, they bring only more questions… no relief.
i have a feeling that life hasnt stopped changing for me yet. and im contemplating some decisions…name just a few, that i never thought id end up asking myself. so hey.. who knows. if it wasnt real, my life would make a pretty hilarious sitcom:-)
ok. sleep is calling
this life i think im living continues
-adieu
my thoughts for this week – so far – are summed up in this single phrase. im waiting. simply waiting.
i had an interesting conversation earlier today. more things had come to light.
so… yeah, im not gonna say much else tonite. im just waiting. for my…. defining moment.
looks like rain / fell off the horse again / and I curse the selfish pride that came before
feels like rain / this melancholy mood I’m in / as I watch the empty glass that’s landing on the floor
sweet Jesus hold us when we’re hurting / and lost, let us find your way
cause we all feel the pain / we’re all waiting for the day / while the here and now keeps dragging on / and we all hide away / under canopies of grace / to keep us on the rainy days / they will keep us on the rainy days
looks like rain / can’t find my faith again / and I’m sure I had it not an hour ago / feels like rain / I’m falling sideways with the wind / all the while believing I am not alone
sweet Jesus hold us when we’re hurting / and lost, let us find your way
cause we all feel the pain / we’re all waiting for the day / while the here and now keeps dragging on / and we all hide away / under canopies of grace / to keep us on the rainy days / they will keep us on the rainy days
i may never come to the place where im content either having little…or much. i may never achieve the level of finding peace no matter what my surroundings. and i may never live a life so surrendered that im ok with not being in control. and im almost sure i will never attain -in this life i think im living- the ability to sleep, fully knowing i am completely and wholey inadequate for what is going on in my life.
i may never get there – but i have nothing else… but to try.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 