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i was going to write about romance, about what my heart yearns for. about finding that one special girl who’s hand will fit perfectly in mine. that girl who will completely rock my world, cause me to question everything, and holds the dreams of my future in her eyes.
but ive been derailed.
i was going to write about being 28, and single. about not knowing if i would ever find her. about questioning if ‘waiting’ was worth it.
but i was reminded of the bigger picture. and that there is a wonderous cross… blood stained, splintered, blessed because of Who gave their life on it. and that He gave His life because He loved me.
i’m reminded that i needed it, and that i need it. every day, every moment. that without this wonderous cross, i am nothing. and it’s because of His sacrifice, that i am able to offer love to someone else. it’s his love in my heart, that allows me to love beyond myself. that beckons me to seek out those who hurt, and offer hope.
and that quitely whispers ‘…there is more…’
i dont have the answers, and my heart still yearns to love that…. one. but i know the One who’s wings hold up the sky. and until i find her, i will do all i can to be the man i am supposed to be. to keep the Cross at the center of my life. to love with all i am, and to follow Him. wherever He leads.
Showbread – The Beginning (hover over for a pop-up player)
lyrics
I used to dream that I could fly,
just above the whispered clouds, beneath the somber sky.
I had a dream I was alive,
I dreamt that love would never die. (goodbye)
Dreams were cheap and hope was easy…(so light),
the forgeries of life deceiving…(so bright),
and as I glided to the ground…(so long),
calcified, the concrete weighed me down… (cruel world).
Your wings are holding up the sky,
dear God, I had a dream that I could fly.
Alkaline the burning frost, has blistered deep beneath my bones,
And winter spat its hatred, cold and coiled, black and deep,
as it called me ever further, where evil burns and never sleeps.
I once had prayers that found no words, fragile things I’ve never spoken,
through my lips passed eulogies for all the oaths that I have broken.
And still the ghost of hope was haunting, through the dark to save the living,
and still beneath it all I dreamed that God could be forgiving.
Your wings are holding up the sky,
dear God, I had a dream that I could fly.
When I survey the wondrous cross On which the Prince of glory died, My richest gain I count but loss, And pour contempt on all my pride.
I am the worst of all things here,
my crooked, black, and lying heart still spits its bitter fear.
And each and every sparrow,
You see them flutter to the ground before they die,
So please God don’t forget me.
See from His head, His hands, His feet, Sorrow and love flow mingled down! Did e’er such love and sorrow meet, Or thorns compose so rich a crown?
To Christ, who won for sinners grace By bitter grief and anguish sore, Be praise from all the ransomed race Forever and forevermore!
since the inception of this blog, i’ve wanted more than anything to be able to share with you, the reader, the music that is moving me. and now i can.
there are some songs that remain with you months after you first heard it. songs that speak to you each time its played. songs that adhere themselves to your heart for you find something of depth in them. something that reaches out to you, and tells you that you’re not alone. that someone else has walked this road.
and that you will be ok.
i just came from seeing the Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian.
and i cannot give up. if anything, thats what i walked away from. i dont care if it kills me to find it, there is something worth fighting for.
i was chosen to walk this path. to live, here, now. and i dont know why. because it all honesty, it hurts. but ive come to far. ive followed this path for too long. going back isnt whats next. its not.
there is someone. out there. who i was supposed to meet. to fall for. and to spend the rest of my life with. and i cannot promise a ton, but i promise to love you with every fiber of who i am. i promise to apologize when im wrong. i promise to puruse, and to fight for you. and i pray to be humble enough to be the man i need to be.
and although i feel so out of place, so much like im searching for that place to call home….
im going to cry out. and hope and pray that my heavenly father hears me. because i cannot do this anymore. not alone. not like this. i dont want to be alone.
i’m crying out… and im not going to give up. please, show me the way. show me the path. show me where i fit, where i can find home.
not every post leaves me in tears, but this one did. because i dont know how else to say it. i need You.
This Is Home
-Switchfoot
I’ve got my memories
They’re always
Inside of me
But I can’t go back
Back to how it was
I believe now
I’ve come too far
No I can’t go back
Back to how it was
Created for a place
I’ve never known
Chorus:
This is home
Now I’m finally
Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I’ve been searching
For a place of my own
Now I’ve found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home
Belief over misery
I’ve seen the enemy
And I won’t go back
Back to how it was
And I got my heart
Set on
What happens next
I got my eyes wide
It’s not over yet
We are miracles
And we’re not alone
(Chorus)
And now after all
My searching
After all my questions
I’m gonna call it home
I got a brand new mindset
I can finally see
The sunset
I’m gonna call it home
(Chorus)
Now I know
Yeah, this is home
I’ve come too far
Now I won’t go back
This is home
i’m slowly coming to the realization that loneliness is one of the worst feelings one can grapple with. it attacks the very core of who we are, the very substance that we yearn to hold on to, to believe about ourselves. that being; that we are lovely, lovable, and worth fighting for.
abandonment.
its terrifying.
and i still struggle with its effects. with the feeling that i wasn’t worth enough for others to stick around. that i was somehow unclean, broken. or just not valuable.
i dont even like typing those words out. because it goes against everything i believe about myself. but it speaks volumes about my heart. and, who i am when no one is looking.
and to be honest, i dont know who that is.
….
growing up, for a boy, was supposed to be full of moments in time where he progresses to the next level. moments where he is closer to becoming that man that he is destined to be. the first time he pounds a nail without bending it. the first time he feels the heft of a double barrel shotgun. his first campout, or ball game. his first girlfriend, and his first broken heart. the first time he stands up for what is right and it really really costs him.
these moments, marked by destiny, were designed to usher him into the man he is to become. but these moments will shatter him if the guidance isnt there. if the presence of an older male isnt there to lead, and tell him he’s doing well.
its during those times we find out what being a man is all about. we glimpse the life we’re destined to live. we learn sacrifice, we learn to fight, and we learn that there are people in our lives worth fighting for.
we were meant to see our dads loving on our moms. to see him stand up for what was right, even when it hurt. and to see him rush to our aid when we needed him.
seeing these things help paint the picture in the boys eyes of who a man is supposed to be. of what makes a man, a man. it rewires his DNA. it tells him whats possible. and it affirms him.
….
i say i dont know who i am, because honestly, i dont.
i dont know what makes me a man. i dont feel like one.
i want to know where he was. and why i was so damaged that he wasnt there. what did i do? how could i have been so bad that you weren’t there?
i learned a lot from him. i learned how to be distant. and not let anyone in. i learned how to not love a woman. and how not to raise my kids. i learned how horribly one person can destroy others lives. and i learned that the scars from abuse is something that one will always carry with them.
i have to believe that there was a reason. that there is some good that can come of this. that somewhere out there, is the affirmation i need. the promise that, yes, i’m becoming the man i want to be. that there is someone out there worth fighting for. worthing giving my all. worth throwing it all away just to be with them.
im holding onto the promises that i’ve heard.
i’m hanging on
to the words You say
You said that i will
be ok
in my opinion, there is no harder battle that a boy will face, than to distance himself from his fathers shadow. for his father was supposed to be the one person on earth that he wanted to be like. when that is broken? nothing. else. works.
because we lose our ability to trust. and that breaks everything.
i know you didnt
bring me our here to drown
so why am i ten feet under
and upside down?
barley surviving
has become my purpose
cos im so used to living
underneath the surface
if i could just see you
everything would be alright
if i would see you
this darkness would turn to light
and i will walk on water
and you will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into Your eyes
i know everything will be alright
sometimes we’re walking above the waves. and other times, we simply fight to keep our head above water.
either way, right now? this is me
i was born to laugh
i learned to laugh through my tears
i was born to love
i’m gonna learn to love without fear
pour me a glass of wine
talk deep into the night
who knows
what we’ll find
intuition, deja vu
the Holy Ghost haunting you
whatever you’ve got
i dont mind
i was born to laugh
i learned to laugh through my tears
i was born to love
im gonna learn to love without fear
put your elbows on the table
i’ll listen long as i am able
there is nowhere
Id rather be
secret fears, the supernatural
thank God for this new laughter
thank God, the jokes on me
cos i was born to laugh
i learned to laugh through my tears
and i was born to love
im gonna learn to love without fear
we’ve seen the landfill rainbow
we’ve seen the junkyard love
baby its no place for you and me
i was born to laugh
i learned to laugh through my tears
and i was born to love
im gonna learn to love without fear
racing
on a fault line
bracing
for a landslide
conscious
of every move getting harder
has the race gone
underwater?
i keep stalling out
i just cant keep up
there is alarming doubt
am i good enough?
but you keep coming around
to convince me
its still far from over
from over
we are still far
we are still far
we are still far
from over
Mutemath
my dear, ive been standing right here
ever as before
no, i want nothing more than this
stay please, come back to my arms
and rest your weary head
don’t ever leave again
beloved
now playing: iona – woven cord
maybe it’s because the holidays are right around the corner. maybe its not. all i know is that for some time now, there has been a part of me that hasn’t been fully satisfied.
i know there are times when life… takes turns outside of where we thought we’d be. where we wake up one day, and its just… not. not the way it was supposed to be. and in some respects, its times like those that ask us to stay single. we’ve got too much other stuff to focus on to worry about finding that special someone.
ive been wondering if there is a time when that fades away. and life turns again… and each time we journey into the sea we know so well, our hearts hear a whisper. a call. and our desire to venture into waters we do not know, grows.
it sounds really really cheap to say ‘pj’s on the market’. and honestly, thats not what im saying. but i’d be lying if i said i hadnt been thinking about it.
now, before you starting thinking of people, dont – because i dont even have anyone in mind. just more of a desire.
an awakening desire to surprise someone with flowers. someone to make coffee for. someone to stand next to as 2007 draws to a close.
there is more. i keep hearing that. there is more than the small part of the world i call home. more of the sea than has yet to be seen. there is more to this life. more to be lived. just beyond these shores.
the pain will come
with the morning sun
will the night betray the day?
blister skin
wither from within
scratch to shed this shell away
will You know my name
or will i hang my head in shame?
will someone take this tired skin
that ive been dying in?
will someone hold me to the light?
and if i die tonight
then take this broken man and
wrap me tight within this brand new skin
watch me fly
freedom like wings
and i will use them
freedom like wings
and i will spread them wide
watch me fly
freedom my wings and i will use them
freedom my wings and i will spread them wide
and rise up
one day my ashes will return to earthly slumber
spread far and wide across the desert and the sea
until then i will live each day in awe and wonder
and look forward to each sunrise
–stavesacre
wither/ascend
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 