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dont give up on me yet
dont forget who i am
i know im not there yet
but dont let me stand here alone
dont forget who i am
i know im not there yet
but dont let me stand here alone
what does a real christian look like? seirously now. what does one whos so abandoned themselves to an all loving King truly look like. would i recognize them if i knew them before?
what does finding ones freedom in losing ones self look like? who would i be if i truly let go of my fears? of the things that keep me in my safe little hole? who would i be if i let myself be the real me? what would happen? would i still be loved if people knew who i was? who i could have been?
is true love really the ability to look into the blackness of anothers soul and yet still, amongst the utter ruins, find something lovely… something love-able?
there have been times the past few weeks where ive felt overwhelmed. drowing. drowning in my self. there have been times where ive just felt lost. where these questions are the ones im asking. where the answers to these questions are what im yearning for.
who am i? who could i be? and would i still be love-able?
what would i look like if i truly let go? if i released all hold on my life and let God have His way? would you recognize me? would i?
and how can i stand here with You
and not be moved by You
would You tell me how could it be
any better than this
and not be moved by You
would You tell me how could it be
any better than this
cos You’re all i want
all i need
You’re everything
everything
You’re all i want
You’re all i need
You’re everything
everything
i saw your name just now. can we say ‘caught offguard’? and wow… ive absolutely no idea how to react.
what did i do?
what did i say?
you’re just, you left. youre gone.
part of me is desperate to find out what on earth i did. part of me wonders if it wasnt something i dont know about, but, just a cumulation of me not being the person i should have been.
but another part of me is quietly whispering to me… its telling me that you’ve repeatedly said i didnt do anything. that i hadnt screwed up. that i know nothing and that therefore its pointless for me to try to apologize.
everyone makes mistakes. and im sorry for those i made.
but im not going to apologize to you anymore. i want to not worry about what happened. i want to not freak out every time i see your name. life goes on. and ive got to go with it.
but i dont want too. i want to sit here. i want to tell you im scared. im worried. im hurt and im lost and im wondering…
im wondering why.
august evenings
bring subtle warnings to remember
to kiss the ones you love goodnight
bring subtle warnings to remember
to kiss the ones you love goodnight
you never know what temporal days may bring
laugh and love, live free and sing
when life is discord-
praise ye the Lord
keep waiting
-stavesacre
i was far away from here, felt like a million miles
under unfamiliar skies
in more than one way far from dreams I’d dreamed
i’d seen the blinding light, there was hope but was there time
slow trigger starting line
and each day of waiting seemed eternity
under unfamiliar skies
in more than one way far from dreams I’d dreamed
i’d seen the blinding light, there was hope but was there time
slow trigger starting line
and each day of waiting seemed eternity
You never left my side
You never left my mind
so they will open up their mouths
but really who are they?
and soon enough they’ll fade away
only blind but soon they’ll have to see
fear like a cancer spreads
how many more will drop their eyes
lift their hands and wait to die
and how much time to spend to see who stands
but I think i know the way
i got a promise on the mind
and ill be looking for what’s mine
Sovereign stillness whispers trust in Me
in just a little while
theyll wish that they were silent
keep waiting
I’ll be right on time
keep waiting
I’ll be right on time
and when they try to take your eyes off of Me
remember
and when they try to take your eyes off of Me
remember Me
keep waiting
I’ll be right on time
keep waiting
I’ll be right on time
help me trust, help me wait. help me hear the sovereign stillness. and when they try to take my eyes off of You, help me remember. help me remember You.
You are more beautiful
than anyone ever
everyday Your the same
You never change
no never
than anyone ever
everyday Your the same
You never change
no never
and how could i ever deny
the love of my saviour
You are to me everything
all i need forever
how could You be so good to me?
there is no one like You
there has never ever been anyone
like You
everywhere You are there
earth or air, surrounding
im not alone the heavens sing along
my God Your so astounding
how could You be so good to me?
eternally, i believe
there is no one like You
there has never ever been anyone like You
im not alone
so sing along
your not alone
so sing along
there is no one like You
there has never ever been anyone like You
something struck me earlier this evening.
2005 is almost over with.
i know, its october on the calendar. that should be a clue that “hey, the year is drawing to a close”. what hit me harder, was the fact that life still feels like its on hold.
like im circling the airport, the sunset behind me, but there isnt an open runway. my landing gear isnt dropping. “something” is keeping me from the next thing.
part of me is pushing for the next thing. part of me is hungry. unsatisfied. unwilling to accept the “now” in favor of lusting after the “next”. its a void in my life. and i know its there.
but another part of me is quietly wondering if this is the “next”. if i should stop living in the hope of a next and start living in the real of the now.
maybe its because life isnt easy. and we humans dont like to intentionally put ourselves where it hurts. but it does. losing a best friend hurts. watching your sister break down into tears at the mere thought of eating a meal hurts. being totally helpless about both of those situations… it hurts.
and the part of me that is whispering quietly about the benefit of the “now”. is quickly being drowned out by the part of me that is screaming. screaming in frustration. screaming in anger. screaming in hate. screaming in pain. screaming in fear. screaming alone.
there is supposed to be a beauty in surrendering. in learning to let go. in letting loose. there is suposed to be a beauty in giving up and giving it over to our Creator.
im beginning to believe that this beauty has more in common with an ancient shipwreck nestled in the coral at the bottom of the sea, than the beauty youd see in your local mall. its exotic. its unusual. its a beauty brought of violence. a beauty birthed with tears. a beauty that doesnt come from pampering or prestiege, but one born from loss, heartache, pain.
the difference between this beauty and the one our world worships, the one you see plastered in magazines, on tv, billboards and desired by women everywhere, the difference between true beauty and this plastic beauty is that true beauty is earned… and it cannot die.
it doesnt need to be touched up. it cannot be reapplied. it doesnt fade, warp, change or lose its luster.
true beauty is born from a brokeness within. true beauty exudes a light that no darkness, no matter how powerful, can extinguish. true beauty is both terrifying and wonderful. true beauty is a process. its a journey. and its one that requires the willingness, each and every day to step up and answer questions that you dont want to be asked. it demands all you have and when you think you’ve given all you can, it shows you more that must be given.
true beauty is horribly beautiful.
and its what i live for. or rather, what i want to live for.
so if this is “now”. if it means i need to stop panting for the “next”. then so be it. im already to the conlusion that its beyond my own power to accomplish either goal. this, more or less, is just my confession that i cannot do it. i cannot create in myself, by myself the beauty i so hunger to see. the beauty i need.
and therein lies the key.
i need.
and i cannot fulfill the need.
are we left here on our own? can you feel when your last breath is gone? night is weighing heavy now. be quite and and wait for a voice that will say…
come awake. from sleep, arise. you were dead, become alive. wake up wake up. open your eyes. climb from your grave into the light.
bring us back to life
although words just dont seem to be here tonite, i could not let this week in September pass by without saying something.
im not sure i have words right now. not for what this week represents. for how much, what seems lifetimes ago, life changed. the world changed. my world changed. and i started a journey that i never in my wildest dreams could have fathomed. life fell apart. and i was forced to pick up the pieces.
now i stand, four years later amazed at whats happened. holding fast to the break of day….
ill be honest, for the most part im too afraid to look for His hand in all this. in all thats transpired. im resistant to finding His over-arching will buried inside of the shadows of the past 4 years. im not wanting to believe that a loving God could have anything to do with all thats happened.
………
i’ve absolutely no idea how to close tonites post. so im not going to. not officially. but ill leave you with this…
a new song.
for a new time.
and by the way, welcome back to my life…
oh Lord, why did you forsake me
oh Lord, dont be far away
storm clouds gathering beside me
please Lord, dont look the other way
oh Lord, dont be far away
storm clouds gathering beside me
please Lord, dont look the other way
we are crooked souls
trying to stay up straight
dry eyes in the pouring rain
well
the shadow proves the sunshine
the shadow proves the sunshine
even now your eyes are courting sleep
i’ll stay by your side as i have always been
sleep tonight, may your dreams reveal my love for you
beyond what i must do, do you know my plans for you?
to separate myself from where my treasure lies
then naked in this cold and lonely unforgiving life.
be stripped away of all delusions of the man i’d like to be
at the moment i am broken parts
sure of only weaknesses with nothing left to show
no illusions left to hide behind.
burning clean has been both agony and absolute release
can i hope to pass this test, is my destiny the wilderness?
the hardest part of letting go, is trusting you with everything
in laying bare my soul is truly seeing who I really am
Father what is man that You are mindful of him
can i pass this test? is my destiny this wilderness?
to stand alone
against a life of wretchedness
impossible to hope and so i plead Your graciousness
show me your glory
may my life reflect your presence
and never again find myself in anything less
when it’s all falling down on you
you’re crying out but you’re breaking in two
when it’s all crashing down on you
when there’s nothing you can do
when it’s all crashing down on you
when there’s nothing you can do
there is someOne who can carry you
there are times in life when all we know and relied on is seemingly ripped from beneath us. things you thought were forever suddenly dissapear and we’re left reeling. it may be a parents divorce, or the death of a close friend or relative…. whatever caused it, its not a nice feeling.
even when circumstances reveal themselves to be differnet than what they appeared… the emotional damage may already be done. and the recovery from that can take time.
i hope that tonite, if you find yourself stunned from something you thought would always be there, you can find hope in the fact that you’re not the only one. you’re not alone. and that sometimes these times serve to remind us that maybe, just maybe we turned our attention from our first love.
its in those times when we either run to someone… or to someOne. its in those times we can see whats truly in our heart. our ability, or stark inablity to love unconditionally. our ability or inabilty to continue to trust, to have faith, to hope when our hope has been attacked, and our hearts wounded.
to remain thankful even in the difficult times.
oh Lord, please light the fire
that once burned bright and clear
replace that lamp of my first love
that burns with holy fear
that once burned bright and clear
replace that lamp of my first love
that burns with holy fear
oh Lord, You’re beautiful
Your face is all i seek
and when Your eyes
are on this child
Your grace abounds in me
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 