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I sat in traffic Tuesday for a sum total of 2 hours and 20 minutes. That’s a lot of time to think. Especially when you’re sitting at one particularly slow intersection for more than 10 minutes.
I could have gotten frustrated at the situation, at the driver next to me who didn’t understand that “right turn only” meant, turn right. I could have gotten upset at the fact that he then proceeded to cut me off, only to go under the speed limit. I had to fight hard against anger when I realized that Google maps wasn’t correct, and the road I wanted didn’t continue under the highway, but stopped short and started again on the other side.
I sat, and fumed.
Somewhere between 2 and 4 mph, I realized something. I realized that I seem to expect traffic to be light, other drivers to pay attention, lights to turn in my favor and an easiness to accompany me on each trip. When I get in my car my understanding of life disappears, and I expect everything to flow smoothly. I expect ease, when I don’t see it in my life.
Sitting, unmoving, surrounded by hundreds of other commuters all trying to get home, it hit me.
Sometimes in life I’m victorious on the wings of eagles. Sometimes I’m winning, on top of the world and unable to fall. Sometimes you hop on the highway and cruise home like traffic didn’t exist. Other times, you wonder why you got out of bed. Other times, you mess up at work, you offend a loved one. You, I…. fail.
As I sat there, waiting for my turn at the intersection, I understood. This is life.
It is imperfect. I am imperfect. We fall into the trap of thinking that we can control the traffic, and when we realize we cannot, we get frustrated. The crazy thing is, we try it all over again the next day. We think we can make things perfect, and we never will.
Life hasn’t been easy, and we were never promised it would be. Sometimes we will need to fight, to push through the chaos surrounding us, trust the One who is writing the story we’re in, and keep going. Yes, sometimes the road is wide open before us, the sun is shining and all is well in the world. Other times though the road is hard, painful and bathed in tears.
Yes, at times we may look like idiots. We may have to back-up the wrong way down a one-way, we may have to change lanes at the last minute, or jump a curb. We may not always get to chose the roads we’re on, the detours we’re forced to take or the chaos we may have to fight through. But we are promised we do not walk this path alone. And we are promised that we will find things worthy of fighting for. And we were promised, that eventually, we would make it home.
ive been thinking lately, about being thankful.
for the things i have, and in some ways, for the things i dont have.
so many of my friends, people my age, have already settled down. they have a wife, kid(s), dog. they’re already rockin’ the white picket fence american dream. and while part of me wants that, yearns for the evident completeness they’ve found, part of me hungers for something more.
john eldredge describes that unsettledness, that desire for something more as the call of God for us to follow Him. john says “According to the part of the story God has allowed us to see, the Haunting we sense is His calling us forth on a journey.”
i wont begin to pretend i know what this journey is or where it will lead. but i am realizing that it’s not something i’m waiting to start. it’s something i have already begun. and thats something you need to realize too.
this, right here, this moment in time, is part of journey.
st. augustine said that the world is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page.
you are already on your journey. as am i.
and im suddenly realizing that part of me was waiting for something to happen. for someone to come along and give me permission to live life, to chase after my dreams.
i was waiting for something that will never happen.
and if this is true, that right now, im living my story…. if its true that the first pages have been turned, and that the book is already dog-eared, then i need to do everything i can, right now, to live life fully. to explore, fight, become a better me.
i need to learn to love. to walk through the fires before me. to face fears, to dance. i need to learn not just to tread water, but sail.
i need to learn to be thankful for where i am and for where i am going.
yes, eventually, i want what my friends have. i want to look into the eyes of my beloved, my betrothed, my bride, my (eve) and see our stories intertwining as one. i want to see our futures, together. i want to see hope, abundant life, and love ive not known reflected back in those eyes.
i want to see two books, two stories, two, becoming one.
and even if on the horizon of our future lie gray skies full with the promise of storms, i will look forward to the rain, to the thunder, to the tempest. because one day, i wont be sailing alone.
hillsong united – aftermath
i hate being alone.
no, its not that, because i cherish time away from the world.
i am afraid of ending up alone. and i think, if we were all honest with ourselves, we all struggle with this fear.
and if we were to think about it, if we were to really think about it, i think we’d begin to understand that its not being alone that we fear. it is that we fear we’re not worthy of being pursued. that there is nothing desirable inside of us. we do not fear being alone, but what being alone tells us.
that we’re not worthy. that we dont belong, dont fit. that somehow we didnt pass the test. that the sum of our parts didnt add up to a high enough value.
we fear not being loveable more than we fear not being loved.
and that fear hits home.
we cover it, we do our best to hide it. some of us throw ourselves into a hobby, work, our careers, kids or current significant other. we look for answers to that doubt, that fear, in everything and anything we can control.
it’s almost like we were born with a deep-seated knowing that there was, is, something valuable inside of us. something precious. something deserving of love. its like we know, even if we refuse to admit it, that our hearts are valuable. that they are precious, unique and achingly beautiful. its like we understand that there is something of value, rare and matchless, inside of each of us.
and that knowing, because of our past experiences and past wounds leads us to fear ever letting it be seen. so we cover it. and we look for the fulfillment our heart longs for, in the people, jobs and things we surround ourselves with.
and we are never fulfilled.
we were never meant to fill the desire of our heart, to love in a way and be loved in a way we’ve never known, with a career, a relationship, or a hobby. our hearts were designed, created, for something great. to love unconditionally and be loved unconditionally. to be free. to create and love and make music, paint, throw pottery and dance.
our hearts were created for us to find life. true, abundant, beautiful life.
and when we hide our hearts, when past experiences, mistakes, pain, disappointment and fear cause us to lock our hearts away, we become shells of the lives we were meant to live. we become puppets. life becomes a routine, empty, stale unfulfillable.
we need to be reminded of how we were created.
we need to be reminded that we were not created to find our fullness in things, or people. but in a real relationship with the One who sculpted our hearts and knows their scars, better than we ever could.
we need to be reminded that we were destined to live, to find life fully. and to be shining examples of a heart fully alive.
so i challenge you, as i challenge myself, to slow down, to ask the hard questions, to feel the aches that our hearts hide, to fight through them. to learn from our mistakes….
and find ourselves running back home.
to let ourselves, our hearts feel. to be real, honest living people and not the shells we’ve come to believe equal life.
we are not promised that it will be easy. but we are promised that if we hang on and dont quit, that if we follow the One who has created our hearts, then we will find that life, that true, real, pure, brilliant life.
we will get there, we will know life.
and it will be beautiful.
Future of Forestry – Slow Your Breath Down
if you leave I’ll still be close to you
when all your fears rain down
I’ll take you back a thousand times again
I’ll take you as My own
I will sing you songs of innocence
till the light of morning comes
till the rays of golden honey cover you
in the sweetness of the dawn
but you’re always on the run
i turned 31 earlier this month. the day after we celebrated a new year and new decade.
amidst the celebrations of the new year, the goodbye’s to the old, the birthday wishes and cards, something never stopped whispering to me. never stopped making its presence known.
in years past, i’ve always tried to write something about the passing of one year and the birth of another. to somehow close out the past 365 days, and greet the first few days of the coming year. this year was different, and honestly i’m not sure why yet.
i stopped today at a gas station to use the restroom. (i know, bear with me). and as i washed my hands my eyes were drawn to the sign we’ve seen in restrooms everywhere, employees must wash hands. i am thankful for those signs, dont get me wrong. but as i stood there, something occurred to me. that sign, those words, are meaningless, if the employees of that establishment dont honor those words with their obedience.
wow.
our health, the safety of our food products, and quite possibly our very lives are dependent on a little sign stuck in the restroom of our favorite restaurants, grocery stores, coffee shops and gas stations. and it’s not the words, for they carry no power, no might, no strength to provide safety or health. it’s in the obedience to those words, that safety is had. that our meals are healthy. that life is good.
im realizing today that it’s not our words that have power, but its the power we give those words, over us and over others, that really matter.
throughout our lives we will have words of blessing spoken over us. and we will also have words designed to wound and tear, thrown at us from every side. and its not the words themselves that matter, but the value we ascribe to those words. when a complete stranger hurls curses, you brush it off. but if a close friend was to do so, the wound would be deep because we give more value to the words of a friend than those from a random passerby.
i wounded a friend friday night. not intentionally. but i did. i hate typing those words. not because i dont like admitting my mistakes, although i dont. but because i hate wounding those i love. i hate when my words, my actions, or lack thereof tell someone i care for deeply that i think less of them, or that i dont care about them. i hate it, because when i’ve wounded someone, it means i could have blessed them. i could have spoken words that brought life, affirmed, and blessed.
so maybe in a way this is me saying goodbye to 2010 and hello to 2011. maybe this is me welcoming 31. and maybe this is me saying i’m sorry in the best way i know how. because the person, the woman i wounded is an amazing creature.
in 2011, i want my words to mean something. i want to my life to lay bare the words that are imprinted on my heart. i want those i love to never question their value. this year, i want my life to point to something bigger than me, something larger than the 9-5, the 2 day weekends and countless cups of coffee.
that little sign in the restroom isnt just a little sign. it’s a marker. it’s an announcement to all who read it that this establishment values its patrons, their health and well being.
you and i? we may only be a passerby, or we may be the close friend. no matter the situation, we will have moments to leave our imprint on those we come in contact with. in 2011, i pray the imprints i leave behind whisper of more, point to freedom, and remind those around me that love waits for them.
Future of Forestry – Speak to Me Gently
there are times when looking back is healthy. when its a good thing to look over your shoulder and see how far you’ve come. to realize how much you have fought through, overcome. other times, looking backwards is a haunting affair. where the shadows you’ve been fleeing from seem closer than when you began to run.
im realizing that there are moments in scripture where God came, where God rescued. moments of impossible circumstances where if God had not moved, all would be lost.
but that isnt how every story ends.
we trade words like vendors at a bazaar. haggling, arguing, jabbing and throwing out our own barbs… but never, never listening. never hearing the ache in the heart of the people we are closest to. never seeing the pain in their eyes. or the brokenness in the sound of their voice.
we’re a broken people, living in a broken world, pretending that we were able to put the pieces of our lives back together on our own. pretending that our lives make sense. that we can somehow, through self discipline, force our defining life-experiences to fit into the mold of what a christian life should look like.
we pretend our scars aren’t old wounds. we joke and laugh when one of those words we trade so easily, hits home. we wince, and cover it with a smile when someones off-handed comments strikes a nerve, and breaks off a piece from our hearts.
we pretend the abuse, the abandonment, the loss, confusion and pain arent as big as they are. we pretend we can get along fine, that if we believe they dont really exist, then theyve somehow disappeared.
we, i put on a mask. and pretend its ok.
i pretend im completely ok being 30 and single. that i dont look with yearning to my friends who have wives. whove found the one they want to spend the rest of their lives with. who are buying a house, or having their first child. who are dreaming bigger dreams, and praying bigger prayers.
i pretend that what has happened to my family is somehow ok. that it’s not as big as it would seem if i just dont look at the issues. i joke and laugh when someone makes a comment that strikes home. i wince, and cover it with a smile.
i pretend like there arent moments when i wonder if this is it. if this loneliness will be the one constant in my life.
i pretend like i’m ok. i stay moving. never stopping long enough in one place to lose momentum, never allowing my masks to fall.
i stay moving, to stay disconnected from my heart. to stay distanced from the one thing that could betray me. the one thing that knows my weaknesses, my failures, my hurts and scars. the one thing that could shatter my painstakingly created facade.
if i pretend i’m ok, i’m ok…. right?
for every instance of the miraculous protection of daniel and the victory of david over the giant, there are stories of heartache. of people having to walk through the fire, to get to the other side. these are the quiet heroes. and these are the stories that matter. because they are the stories that speak to where we are. these stories are valuable, they carry weight. why? because we live in a real world. and yes, there are miracles and i’m thankful for them. but there wont always be, not in every circumstance. there will be times when the seas will be calmed and there will be times when the storm will rage and we will have to do everything we can to hang on.
adam went through those times. he had something he needed to learn. something valuable. something beautiful. something utterly irreplaceable. that could only be learned through the process. adam needed to walk through his fire to learn the value of (eve).
Christ needed thirty years on this planet to prepare for three that would rewrite history. david needed the battles with the bears and the lions, to be ready for the battle with the giant. joseph needed to be a slave, to be ready to wear a crown and be the savior to his nation. the disciples needed the storm, to see the power of the One they followed. moses needed the wilderness, to find the courage to save his people.
the bible isnt just a book of miracles. it’s a book of real people who lived real stories. people who could pull up their sleeves and show you their scars, both figurative and real. these were people who lived each day hoping for a miracle, while choosing to walk through the fire. they knew the value of process. they understood that to get from here to there, was a journey. they knew it would cost. they knew that they served a God who could intervene, and when needed, would do just that. but they also knew they served a God who’s ultimate goal wasnt their personal comfort, or even that they’d escape unscathed. they knew, deep inside of their being, that the story being told was bigger than they understood.
and they knew that through the fires, the storms, the battles and fear, that He was faithful. that He would guide them safely through to the other side. they knew, through it all, that there was hope. and they never gave up. and because of their determinedness, we have their stories.
there are things you and i will only ever learn going through the process. and if you havent figured it out yet, you will not escape unscathed. but the miracle of this life isnt escaping with as little hurt as possible. no, thats not why we’re here.
we’re here to follow the One who has already rescued us. we are here to be His light. His voice. His hands and feet. we’re here to stand up for right. and we’re here to show the mercy and grace we so desperately needed.
the miraculous that these stories contain arent that, in each instance, they were saved from trouble. it was that through it all, He never left them alone. that through the fire, the battle, the heartache, the pain, He was there. He promised He would never leave. and He kept his promise.
thats the miracle. the miracle we celebrate december 25. we are not alone. He walks with us. we have a mission. He is leading us. and we will get through. and when we do, we will have stories to tell. stories that will bring hope.
future of forestry – the earth stood still
….and He took one of his ribs….
The story of creation becomes more fascinating to me each time I read it. I was thinking last night, trying to grasp why God would need an entire rib to create (eve). If He gathered the dust of the ground together to create Adam, why was so much more required for (eve)? What was it about her, about woman, that was so incredibly important?
Everything else God made, He created by speaking it into existence. Then God said…. and it was so. The earth, the sun, moon and stars, the firmament, the land and all that walked, crawled, flew above and swam under it. He spoke, and it was so.
But not so with (eve).
God took adams rib. This is the first recorded instance in the Bible, of something being required. Up to this point, throughout all of creation, every creature, every bird, fish and beast that walked upon land, all of it came from nothing.
Adam – came from nothing.
But (eve) cost something. There was something required for (eve).
Why a rib? why not something more mundane? I mean, if we believe the story of creation then we believe God is the creator of DNA, and we believe that if He created it, then He knows and understands it fully. He didn’t need a rib, He could have taken one of adams hair follicles. He could have simply gathered together more dust, and breathed into it as He did to create Adam.
But that wasnt the plan. That wasnt what Adam needed to grasp. I’m beginning to believe the creation of (eve) was less about the rib and more about what her creation needed to communicate to Adam. Why did it cost? Why was a rib needed? Why did God take something so close to Adams heart, and in its place, give him (eve)?
Maybe it’s because God was trying to show Adam something….
God said, “It’s not good for the Man to be alone; I’ll make him a helper, a companion.” So God formed from the dirt of the ground all the animals of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the Man to see what he would name them. Whatever the Man called each living creature, that was its name. The Man named the cattle, named the birds of the air, named the wild animals; but he didn’t find a suitable companion. God put the Man into a deep sleep. As he slept he removed one of his ribs and replaced it with flesh. God then used the rib that he had taken from the Man to make Woman and presented her to the Man.
God tells Adam it’s not good for him to be alone, and then proceeds to show Adam every single creature that walked the earth. God was telling Adam something. Something we’ve lost. God was preparing Adam for a revelation, a revealing.
God was preparing Adam to see, to fully grasp and understand true beauty.
Think about it. Adam had just seen every single creature on earth and no suitable match was found. God knew that. He wasnt surprised or caught off guard. God didn’t forget to create (eve), He waited. because Adam needed to be ready. And it took Adam seeing every created being, every beast of the field and bird of the air for him to begin to understand the vastness of creation.
God was telling Adam something.
God was telling Adam that of all the millions of creatures that roamed the earth, none had been worth a cost, none had so much value or worth that it needed something for it to be created.
(Eve) was different. and from the very moment she was created, God needed Adam to understand that. God needed Adam to realize that she was the epitome of beauty, of value, of worth and that she was to be cherished, protected, honored, and loved. God was showing Adam, as best as He possibly could, the true value of the beauty that existed in (eve).
God was showing adam what He saw in (eve).
And may I one day see the same.
i keep coming back to this song. to how much my heart aches to be written, fully, into the story being told around me.
i get so frustrated throughout the day by the very things that, in an eternal perspective, will never matter. things that carry very little weight, that hold no long-term value or purpose.
and although i started this post a few weeks ago, i’m wondering if it’s turning into an answer to yesterdays post.
because i know, down deep, that belief isnt enough. i know, i think we all know at some level that sometimes there are no shortcuts. sometimes the mountain is there not to be moved, or for us to go around, but for us to learn to climb. sometimes we must go through the storm simply because some lessons cannot be learned any other way.
it’s those times, we learn what trust really is.
and its in those times, that our stories are written. stories worth reading. stories worth retelling. stories worthy of the calling that has never left our lives.
One Sonic Society – Burn
how often has it been said that someone walked within their destiny? that they found exactly what they were called to do, and did it? history records those people as few and far between. washington, lincoln, luther. they found their destiny, saw it through to the finish and the world was never the same.
the more i live, the more i believe this is a rare quality. that we, as humanity, has settled for good enough. that we’ve given up on the possible and the potential, for the present and the popular. that we’ve given up on our dreams to chase after the things that the world says we should want.
that we’re supposed to want the 3.7 kids, dog and white picket fence. that 2500sq ft and a 2 car garage is the dream we should all have.
i think that’s settling. i think that’s buying into the hype of the world we live in.
dont misunderstand me – i would love those things. i would love to provide a beautiful house to a beautiful woman. i would love to give something like that, to someone like that. but this ‘dream’ is not about blessing anyone. its not about who you helped yesterday, or that those closest to you may need your help right now… its about how big your flat panel hd tv is. it’s about what year your car is.
—-
we were created with purpose. with destiny woven into the very core of our being. we were created to know and understand at a very basic level that we are temporal beings. that life on this earth isnt everything. that the 70-90ish years we spend on this planet are but a whisper in the stories told throughout history.
tonight, i am asking a tough question. its one i dont like to think about, much less bring into the blogosphere.
tonight, i am wondering if there is destiny left for me. if there is still a story to be told. if there is still purpose, still dreams to be dreamt, and if those dreams, will one day be reality.
its not that i doubt, in my mind, that there are still stories to be told, and dreams to be chased after. but in my heart? i doubt. i question. i wonder if the chance has come and gone.
tonight, i face my own doubts. and i wonder, question if i still have what it takes. if i ever had what it took. i question if ive made the right decisions. if decisions i made years ago were the right ones. and tonight, i regret some decisions i cannot unmake.
there was a time in my life where i rarely questioned the calling i felt. where i thought i knew what i was supposed to be, who i was supposed to be. when i thought i knew what a man looked like. tonight, thats all been replaced with shades of gray.
i guess, what it really comes down to, is if i still believe. if i still can hold onto the simple truth that there is still hope. maybe tonight i need to realize that i’m not surrounded by shades of gray, but by shades of grace.
and that these are good questions to ask, because they make me face the dark areas inside of my heart.
because the heart, is the key thing.
if we were created with destiny in the very fiber of who we are, then it’s our hearts that know this. its our hearts that whisper these truths in the most inopportune times. its these whispers we try to drown in busyness, in work, in more. more stuff, more money, more time, more effort.
its almost as if we know, deep in who we are, that our hearts are central to our lives. and yet, when our hearts whisper to us that we were meant for more, it scares us. and we do all we can to hide from that. we do what we can to pretend its not there. that freshly painted picket fences and a 2011 car in the garage somehow complete us.
all the while, our hearts know better.
so tonight, i’m listening. im listening to the whispers of my heart, and in those, i’m hearing the echo’s of the heart of the Creator. of the great story teller.
and although i wont pretend my doubts are gone, i have hope.
and i still beli(eve).
brooke fraser – orphans, kingdoms
God’s glory is on tour in the skies, God-craft on exhibit across the horizon. …their words aren’t heard, their voices aren’t recorded, but their silence fills the earth: unspoken truth is spoken everywhere.
-psalm 19
the more i learn, the more i am convinced that we live our lives blinded to the miraculous. that we live cocooned inside of our preconceived notions. notions that require us to be good enough, righteous enough, or holy enough to earn the love of this being we called God.
notions that have, for the large majority of our lives, defined us. they control our habits, tell us what to buy and how to dress. notions that say that “good christians dont ____“. notions that control, that we allow to control.
i think we had it right, growing up. when the biggest questions we ever asked was whose house we’d play at the next day. when gi joes, legos and starwars equaled life. when love wasnt something we questioned, or wondered about. when we knew we were loved. when we knew our value because we didnt know anything else.
i dont want to live inside of these notions. of believing that miracles are the result of something i have to do. that grace must be earned, that unconditional love is conditional. i dont want to live fenced inside of these false beliefs. these controlling pretenses.
and i think thats that He’s been after all along.
to get us to step outside of our barriers. to stop trying to earn what He’s already paid the price for. to believe, that this unconditional love, is unconditional.
and that whispered inside this silent fullness, exists something ancient. something we knew at one time, something that we know must still exist because our hearts still yearn for it. something that we know if only because we see the lack of it in our lives. we hear the echoes as it call to our souls. it calls for us to to believe that unspoken truth is spoken everywhere.
and that this truth is simple. it is ancient. and it is beautiful.
He will never let us go. ever.
fee – arms that hold the universe
you will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart…
– Jeremiah 29:13
“what more can be said, what greater case can be made than this: to find God, you must look with all your heart. to remain present to God, you must remain present to your heart. to hear His voice, you must listen with your heart. to love Him, you must love with all your heart. you cannot be the person God meant you to be, and you cannot live the life He meant you to live, unless you live from the heart.”
– John Eldredge
Waking the Dead
king of this heart – matt readman:
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 