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well, i had five paragraphs all typed up. then the computer froze. oh well.
i leave with a song for tonite then…
please take from me, my life
when i dont have the strength
to give it away to You
please take from me, my life
when i dont have the strength
to give it away to You, Jesus
….I know when the instructions have come from God because of their quiet persistence. But when I begin to weigh the pros and cons, and doubt and debate enter into my mind, I am bringing in an element that is not of God. This will only result in my concluding that His instructions to me were not right. Many of us are faithful to our ideas about Jesus Christ, but how many of us are faithful to Jesus Himself? Faithfulness to Jesus means that I must step out even when and where I can’t see anything. But faithfulness to my own ideas means that I first clear the way mentally. Faith, however, is not intellectual understanding; faith is a deliberate commitment to the Person of Jesus Christ, even when I can’t see the way ahead…..
excerpt from:
My Utmost for His Highest
Oswald Chambers
the one question that hasnt let me rest. thats kept me awake. thats jarred me from other thoughts.
what on earth am i doing?
a 1700 mile move! thats one thing. leaving friends. job. apartment. church. “home”. to move into another apartment… thats one thing.
but a freaking trailer? dear god… could i GET any closer to white trash?
why the heck did this have to happen 3 years ago. why? screw that im not past it yet. i dont care.
there are no answers.
and im so so terrified.
you give and take away
you give and take away
my heart will chose to say
blessed be Your name
and im not sure where i stand.
all i know is that im terrified. and im moving to a new land.
i love you.
i know that much.
and i trust God.
through the tears. and the pain. and not knowing how long ‘goodbye’ will last. i still trust Him. i choose to do this.
and i dont know why. maybe i do. maybe because its all i know.
maybe its because you’re all i know. you’re all ive known for the past 2 years. you’ve been the part of me i always knew would be there. the part that i knew would make it through. the part i knew would be victorious. you loved me. you love me. and i dont have the words for how much this hurts.
i cant believe im actually doing this. 1700 miles. i must be crazy. because none of this makes any sense. and the tears fall like rain on all the things i once called certain.
when the broken start to dream again
and the sound of praise fills the streets
you’ll know its here.
thats why im going. its time for me to start to dream again. i need to. i need to heal. to learn to live. to learn to love and trust again.
i cant be the type of friend… brother… man… you need… until these things happen.
i love you.
Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there’s always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight
in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you’re in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there’s vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don’t make no difference
escaping one last time
it’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
the winter here’s cold and bitter
it’s chilled us to the bone.
we haven’t seen the sun for weeks
too long too far from home.
i feel just like im sinking
and i claw for solid ground.
im pulled down by the undertow
never thought i could feel so low.
oh the darkness i feel like letting go.
if all of the strength and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
i know i could love you much better than this
i came to a somewhat startling realization a few weeks ago.
aside from all the neat stuff there is to learn in this life, the one thing im hungry to learn more about… is myself. maybe that seems a bit selfish… its not honestly meant to be. i just simply… well, i dont understand so much of who i am. or what i feel. or -more importantly- why i feel certain things. i dont understand why it is that i can hit an emotional wall in certain circumstances, and then just have to drop everything and leave… knowing full well, that if i dont… ill just begin balling and absolutely no one will have any idea why.
anyway… where was i?
oh yeah…
this hit me between the eyes, and what really shocked me, is that i should have figured it out a long time ago.
i mean, the signs were all there and it makes absolute sense…
but yeah, im a guy… so im not the quickest on the uptake.
i realized why it is exactly that so many of my friendships have gone through enormous change the past 18 months.
its because i changed. and because i needed to be around people who didnt know the old me. i changed so much… life forced so many changes in such a little time that i seriously couldnt be around people who reminded me of my past. my family. my life… before.
so yeah. a simple explanation that really fits into many different areas of my life.
i realized something else too. that being, that my decision so to speak, to find new friends… really caused quite a rift in my life with a number of people. and i dont have the slightest idea how to go about dealing with that.
because honestly, i still feel that way. i feel absolutely naked in front of a certain number of people who knew the real me then. honestly? i feel scared. and i dont know why.
hill, i dont know if this has impacted the situation we talked about a few days ago… but i want you to know im sorry. i hate the fact that you feel the way you do. i honestly do. you’re a tremendous person. you’re a rainbow in a very dreary, gray world. and i love to be with you. im sorry. and please – bear with me as i learn and attempt to change?
—————
help me. help me to worship You. help me to look beyond myself… and just cry out to You….
majesty
majesty
Your grace has found me just as i am
empty handed but alive in your Hands
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 