i prayed a simple prayer last nite.
one of surrender… and one… for love.
i am litterally nothing without His love in my life. keeping me alive and keeping me sane.
im realizing that it is His love that allows me to be civil, to in fact love, those that i held things against for a long time. and im realizing that if i dont allow His love to continually reside in my life – in the core of who i am – that those old hurts, wounds… grudegs… come back.
faith, hope and love.
but the greatest of these
is love
within the past 4 days, my plans for christmas have changed probably as many times.
first, i wasnt headed down to texas for the holidays…
then, i was.
then i wasnt so sure…
then it was january
now were looking at february or march
i dont know. i just dont know anymore.
Take this blindfold off of me
I’m walking but I cannot see
Mysteries fly at my feet
The answers come with no relief
tonite, my prayer… is one that i feel ive forgotten how to pray. its a simple prayer. a prayer of surrender.
Take this blindfold off of me
I’m crawling, grabbing, breathing for the way I can see
Hold me, take me, run with me, I know you’ll ignite
A battered flame that once was bright
things change. really really quickly.
and suddenly, our best laid plans must be re-though… re-laid…
recreated.
and just as suddenly, our efforts can either be proved fruitless or successful.
either way… im hoping – we learn something.
if nothing more, something about ourselves.
ill post more later
even though i didnt do the research, i have a feeling i had a post from last year with a title very close to that. hmm, ill have to do some digging.
anyway…. it is official by the way. i wont be heading down to texas for Christmas this year. the money for the plane ticket is readily available. the time off was all lined up… but when your mom and sis work in retail… guess what bucko, there is no way they’re getting the week after Christmas off…. so ill be headin down in mid-late jan.
i was all set and ready to launch into how crappy that was gonna be… not having seen my mom for more than a year. and how much it sucks to have spent yesterday and today cooped up indoors with a massive chest cold. or to be what was probably one of the few caring voices… and probably the only voice from immediate family, that my dad heard today….
i was going to launch into how i havent really allowed myself to enter into the whole “holiday/christmas/thanksgiving” spirit. maybe its because ive not yet allowed myself to digest the fact that i wont be home for christmas this year. maybe its because my mom seems to be takin it just a little harder that i had hoped. maybe its just cuz life can sometimes suck.
i wanted to… i wanted to go ballistic and wear my heart on my sleeve and maybe even cry while i pounded out the pages of my heart onto the web for all to see….
i wanted to, but i couldnt…. for you see… once upon a coughing, hacking, stuffy nose, achy, sneeze trip to wegmans on a rainy thanksgiving day in 2003… i saw something that changed my outlook.
i was waiting with the groceries while someone went and got the car… and as with any major supermarket on thanksgiving day, i was doing my best to dodge harried shoppers with long lists, or overladen shopping carts. but something stopped me.
slowly moving through the parking lot with a glaringly few items in the shopping cart… graying hair… almost white… slight in stature… and with eyes that belayed much more sorrow than my eyes have seen… was an elderly woman. her stature, her pacing, every little thing about her screamed that she was spending thanksgiving day alone.
and i realized at that moment something thats been unfolding to me all day. i have a tremendous amout to be thankful for this year.
heidi – simply, you’re my life saver. my bestest friend ever. id be lost, and much sicker, without you. i am thankful… for you.
k8 – in a world of very few noble people – you’re my hero. i am thankful… for you.
val – you’re what i would apsire to become if i was a 20something black woman. i am thankful… for you.
courtney – you’re what pen pals are supposed to be made of, and what women of God should aspire to be like. i am thankful… for you.
and the list goes on. unlike that lady, i have a family. albeit messed up, ive still got em all. ive got an apartment. and clothes on my back. and ive got friends who would give up there entire thanksgiving day to stay with a sick pip.
come to think of it guys… bill gates, and all his billions… has nothing on what ive been given.
so to each of you, wether you read my blog often, or just random acrossed me…
i am thankful for you.
and finally…
i will be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams.
i was driving home the other nite, and a question ive been asking myself lately popped into my head.
ive been asking myself this for what seems like weeks now, but ive only recently been able to verbalize it.
the question?
do forgiveness and reconciliation always walk hand in hand? are the truly inseparable? can you have one without the other? and if so, to what degree can you forgive, and not be reconciled… and vice versa?
i know the “christian” answer is always yes. i know that… you dont need to preach it to me.
at least, reconciliation is a given when speaking of the forgiveness that flows from Christ…
but what about between 2 people?
i guess this question has been on my heart because in all honesty, im dealing with it.
to what degree does forgiveness need reconciliation? is it possible to forgive someone, and yet never truly trust them again?
maybe the question im really asking is,
why hasnt my heart healed yet? why cant i trust that person yet? what is it that causes this reaction in me?
i hate that i feel like i want to run away from you every time i see you. i hate that i feel that i cant trust you. i hate that it still hurts so much when i think of you.
most of all, i hate that my heart has yet to move from this point.
is this my fault? am i somehow sabotaging my chances and opportunities for healing? am i intentionally keeping myself in this spot?
all i have is questions… but only questions find the answers that we seek.
there was a time in a young kings life… well before he was even aware of his destiny to become king, when a wise man, a ‘seer’, told him to wait just a little while longer…
and then this seer, would tell him all that was in his heart.
it seems the more i learn about life, love and relationships, the less i truly know.
heck, i dont even understand the depths of my own heart.
so my prayer for tonite… is that sometime soon… someone wise would show me all that is in my heart.
my cry tonite
be my hiding place…..
When you live by grace with God, its not a matter of making yourself obey His commands to the letter; its simply living with the promise that you cant and its all right.
read the article here.
i dont think tonite will have me pouring my heart out…
tonite, i choose simplicity.
the simplicity of sin.
the simplicity of grace.
and the knowing, that the latter far outweighs the former. now, then, and for always.
thank You, for Grace.
and its looking more and more like ill end up coming very close to the year mark.
the last time i saw my mom was january 13, 2003. and chances are, i may not be going down there until the second or third week in january 2004.
1 whole year.
have you ever looked back on something, and – realizing that you actually completed it – are caught off guard because you honestly wish you didnt know what you now are aware of? you wish that you didnt know that you could handle what was thrown your way?
ive been in ny now, on my own more or less (thank you God for being with me) for more than 2 years. and im suddenly being hit with something i wasnt expecting…
its not regret. dont get me wrong, id give anything to see my mom for christmas. absolutely anything…. but its not regret. im beginning to feel the burden of being the ‘man’ in the family.
i guess i shouldnt be surprised by this feeling. but honestly, i am. i mean, its been more than 2 years since dad left. ya think i would have run into this much earlier.
why now?
because….
its official. sarah (sister #1) has a boyfriend. not just a “boyfriend”. this would constitute her very first ‘adult’ relationship. and i cant give the obligatory “touch her and ill rip your eyes out of the back of your head, cook them, and feed them to you” speach to the lucky guy.
and bethany is having car issues. its weird. i realize i know next to nothing about fixing cars… i mean, i can change the oil, check fluid levels, change a tire… etc… but im not there.
and thats the thing.
these are the moments where DAD is supposed to be nothing more than a phone call away. that way, no matter what happens… flat tire, bad date… whatever… they would be ok. because dad would be there.
but he’s not.
and neither am i.
should i be? does anyone happen to know what role i should be playing right now?
seems to be a question im asking myself a lot right now. and for more reasons, more situations, than just the family.
anyway, to bring to a close my opening thoughts…
maybe life is more than the sum of our expierences. im hoping that thats the case.
Lord prepare me
to be a sanctuary
pure and holy
tried and true
and with thanksgiving
i’ll be a living
sanctuary
for You
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 