FindingTheCourageToDream.com

maybe its true…

June 1, 2003 in Friends | by Peej | Leave a comment

maybe its true that some battles are meant to be fought alone.

im trying with all i am to reconnect my life with those i feel could be good friends. and im wondering if my efforts are worth anything. maybe my hope… my dream of having a group of people who love me for me… is nothign mroe than just that… a dream.

im sorry to be such a downer. i am.

im just trying so hard.

im trying to forgive. im trying to let go of the past and embrace people… friends… in the now.

all i want is to have this huge weight lifted from my chest.

my life will never again be normal. and i can deal with that. i guess what im wondering is… once i say what ive got to say…

will they be able to handle it?

will putting my entire life on the line and just being gut-level real and honest with this group of people that, for a time, i hated… will it pay offf? will it be worth it?

hate. strong word isnt it. but i know of no other that would fit. suddenly, the world i lived in was a lot bigger and scarrier and it seemed that they couldnt handle it. and just like that, i was no longer relevant.

im sorry that my parents are getting divorced. im sorry that im so cynical and at times – spiteful.

there are times when i dont like myself at all. and this is one of them.

im trying. so hard. to be a friend. im trying with everything in me and im beginning to ask, if its worth it.

the worst way…

June 1, 2003 in Friends, Life, Love | by Peej | Leave a comment

The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can’t have them.

for days now, ive just had this sense that change was coming.
i dont know how. or where its coming from. but its the very rythmn of my heart right now.

my relationships with those closest to me are changing. have changed.

whats important to me is changing.

its all been over the past 2 weeks or so.

i dont know what to think about it. or much less what to feel.

change and frustration seeminly walk hand in hand.

arg! i cant blog ANYTHING.

so stinkin much going on inside and i cant put it down on paper… or, blog rather.

oh well.

goodnite for now.

two of them actually….

May 27, 2003 in God, Life | by Peej | 1 comment

im going to leave tonites post title-less. for now anyway.
but in honor of an anniversary id rather not remember, im going to re-blog this message i originally posted back on may 29 2002. the day im reference below would have been memorial day 2002.

—–
rest. it comes to those who ask for it. if they do what it takes to step into it. no deep thoughts. no earth-shattering revelations. newsflash tho i have a reason to live. a few of them actually. 24 hours ago i was reminded of them. 48 hours ago… i was about to give up. but i have a reason. 2 of them actually. they live in ft. worth and they’re slightly younger and more beautiful than i am. well… slightly younger and much more beautiful. they are the reason i keep going. they are the ‘pot at the end of the rainbow’. they are the reason i continue on in this life i think im living….. they are my sisters and i love them incredibly.
—-

you see… memorial day 2002 was basically at the very peak of my emotional turmoil.

i had come home from a christian gathering feeling completely alone. completely isolated. and completely un-worthy.

depression has many faces. and there is no doubt in my mind that -at one time- my face was counted among those.

you need to understand that ive sat here. and the space between the last line i just typed, and this one here… although short… has taken me nearly 15 minutes.

simply because of what im pondering. because of the raw emotion. because of how scared i am now – of how close it was then.

one year ago memorial day, i had plans laid out to commit suicide.

there, i said it.

it would have been simple really. i had two options, either slit my wrists in the tub, or a simple 6 story free-fall from my parking garage.

shocked? i am. and ive had a year to comprehend the honest fact that i was that low. its scary. ‘scary’ doesn’t even seem to be a big enough word. it doesn’t convey the depth of emotion i feel. its almost as if its feelings to deep for words.

for once upon a fateful nite 1 year ago, my little sister called me from 1700 miles away. and she never could have known that the simple communication we shared, saved my life. she never knew that the words we shared brought me back to life. she could never know that within that conversation were the things i was dying to hear.

she showed me i was needed. that i had a purpose in life. and that i had a reason, 2 of them actually, to live.

now maybe, in the course of my post tonite, ive shaken your world a little bit. well then, good. maybe it will make you stop and take stock of your friendships and realize that life isnt forever. and that, in a moment… it can change. and in a moment… it can be taken away.

im not where i used to be. praise God. im not that person anymore.

i used to think it could never happen to me, now i know it could happen to anyone.

be thankful for each day and live it to its fullest.

because, in all honesty, there are no promises that this life i think im living will continue on tomorrow.

here is to today.
and to lives being changed by grace.

amen and amen.

i am cookie dough….

May 26, 2003 in Buffy, Life | by Peej | Leave a comment

its been – what seems like – forever. hasn’t it?since i last was able to blog anything of signifigance.

change is coming. i dont know what else to say.
but its coming.

and im either going to be ready…

or im going to be run over.

either way – change is coming.

this is it isnt it….

May 20, 2003 in Buffy | by Peej | Leave a comment

the end aproaches. 6 hours 14 minutes from now, will begin the end of a 7 year era.words seem so… inadequate to share the way i feel. but they are all i have.

so here goes.

thank you.
for fighting for what was right.
for facing your mistakes.
for doing what you had to, even though you lost all you ever loved.
for dealing with demons
both yours and the worlds.
for being a hero.

and… for the simple fact that no matter what – you always got up, and kept going.

thank you.

computer issues

May 14, 2003 in Blog Updates | by Peej | Leave a comment

hey all… as a quick update – my computer basically blew up yesterday (tuesday). so as for now, i wont be using AIM.
if you need to get a hold of me – PLEASE call me as my access to my personal email is very limited.

and please pray for a new computer!
thanks guys!

i miss….

May 10, 2003 in Life | by Peej | Leave a comment

i miss my family… so much.

here is to…

May 8, 2003 in Friends, Life | by Peej | Leave a comment

here is to amazing weekends and the smell of clean clothes.
to youth group car washes and walkin around with $319 in your pocket.
to trips to starbucks and dinners at dp’s.
to surprises, ikea, and lifehouse.
to margeritas, smirnoff ice and sage.
to fabric softner and friends that love us.
to new beginings, new homes, and an uncertain future.

here is to life. to its ups and downs. to the joys and pain.
may all the days we spend on this earth be spent truly living.

the smell of clean clothes…

May 6, 2003 in Friends, God, Life, Love, The Soundtrack | by Peej | Leave a comment

sometimes its the subtle things that catch us off guard. sometimes we dont even realize we’ve been “caught”. it takes a heart that has slowed somewhat, from the business of the day, to notice that indeed – it is no longer free but has been caught by surprise. thats me for tonite… somewhat caught off guard. by the scent of fabric softener.you see, i was surprised this weekend by my friend skip. she threw me in a car on friday and off we drove.

now you have to understand that my thoughts on the weekend were going to be nothing more than maybe an hour or two drive time. we left @ 6:15pm. 12:45am saturday we arrived in virginia. and we visited skips best friend k8 (who is my friend to, but we met through skip) so anyway…

i was under the impression that the trip, and seeing kate were the surprise for the weekend. boy was i wrong. saturday afternoon found me off to baltimore for an Ikea store. woohoo!! and after… downtown baltimore for an intimate evening with lifehouse. all surprises. all wonderful.

i guess i brought all this up for two reasons. the first being to simply state how awesome it is to be loved. not for anything you’ve done… or anything you try to be…but just for who you are.

and secondly, to just express some of the ways i changed.

because of the awesome-ness of the weekend, i called in to work and took monday off as well. so we did laundry… and i just pulled a t-shirt from my suitcase. it smelled like fabric softener. i havent used fabric softener in 18 months or more. my mom used to. i miss that smell…

ok, so im not sure how that shows any changes in my life… but believe me. i have changed. permanently. and im constantly continuing to change.
and until things settle down…

im hanging on every word You say
and even if You dont wanna speak tonite
thats all right, all right with me
cos i want nothing more than to sit outside heavens door
and listen to Your breathing.

weekends, thank-you’s and learning about life.

May 5, 2003 in Friends, Life, Love | by Peej | Leave a comment

this weekend would be, at the least, incomplete without a blog to end tonite. and i can hear you saying “but its monday, the weekend is already over”. ill hold back on going into detail about this weekend… suffice to say that it was a wonderful time. i was reminded how this life is simply our chance to be the best friends we can to those who love us. and this was shown in vivid reality to me throughout this weekend.so, to pookie – all my love. all my thanks. you made this weekend. and you made this weekend happen. thank you so much for showing me what it means to truly love and accept someone. ::hug::

and to k8. thank you so much for being a friend, and beyond that, being someone who has walked where i am now trodding… and has survived. you’re a lighthouse in the storm of my life. never underestimate how much impact you will have. thank you.

tonites blog is short. and so is the time between now, and when i head to bed.
nite all.