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take me…

September 21, 2002 in The Soundtrack | by Peej | Leave a comment

This time what i want is You / There is no one else / Who can take Your place / This time You burn me with Your eyes / You see past all the lies / You take it all away / I’ve seen it all / It was never enough / It keeps leaving me needing you

Take me away / Take me away / I’ve got nothing left to say / Just take me away

I try to make my way to You / But still I feel so lost / I don’t know what else i can do / Cuz i’ve seen it all / It was never enough / It keeps leaving me needing you

Take me away / Take me away / I’ve got nothing left to say / Just take me away

Don’t give up on me yet / Don’t forget who i am / I know I’m not there yet / But don’t let me stay here alone / I’ve seen it all / It’s never enough / It keeps me needing you / I’ve seen enough / And it’s never enough / It keeps me needing you

Take me away / Take me away / I’ve got nothing left to say / Just take me away

… im gonna leave this up as my hearts cry of the past few days. ive seen it all and its never enough, it just keeps leaving me needing you. thats me. thats another page in this life that i havent lived in quite some time. i am waking up… and realizing that life has a lot to offer.

this time, all i want is You… there is no one else… who can take Your place…

ive seen it all and its never enough, it just keeps leaving me needing you… take me away

the rain

September 18, 2002 in The Soundtrack | by Peej | Leave a comment

i might be barely breathing…
but im not dead…. because tomorrows another day…
and im thirsty anyway
so bring on the rain.

thats it for tonite….

this life is a series of lessons

September 16, 2002 in Life | by Peej | Leave a comment

every moment of our life we are confronted with choices. with choices come consequences and with consequences, chances to learn…

As Christians we know, in theory at least, that in the life of a child of God there are no second causes, that even the most unjust and cruel things, as well as all seemingly pointless and undeserved sufferings have been permitted by God as a glorious oppurunity for us to react to them in such a way that our Lord and Saviour is able to produce in us, little by little, His own lovely character.

im learning that doubt – isn’t a bad thing. and that doubt and beliefe run almost hand in hand. im learning that i can no longer accept anything verbatim simply because my parents did/do. im learning to take every single thing with a grain of salt…. and im learning the importance of listening to what people are actually saying… and not just their words…

im learning that the precious things in life arent always forever… and that… as important as holding on is…. just as important – and sometimes more important… is letting go.
letting go of the past… of peoples expectations of you… and, as stupid as it may seem – of your expectations of other people… im learning to cherrish the moments as they come… and to not worry about tomorrow. tomorrow will take care of itself….

im learning to let go of roads ive spent years walking on… and ive learned the joy of walking away. ive learned the hardship that comes from walking where you think He’s leading, and im learning the humbleness needed when what i thought was wrong…
ive learned to stick to my decisions and fight for them as hard as i can – and ive committed myself to a 180degree turn just as fierce if i am wrong…

ive learned that not everyone you call a friend will understand -or be able to live with- the decisions you make. ive learned that sometimes, walking away from the good things in your life, will lead you to the God things you were missing. im learning im not perfect, and that i cant expect others to be perfect either. im learning that im in need of His grace daily… and that His grace is for today…. not tomorrow….

im realizing God is a now God… and no matter what i think or feel – im caustiously…. carefully… begining to allow myself to trust Him again….

on a side note, today marks the 53rd week ive been livin on my own. my family left for a “3 week trip”… 1 year ago this past friday.

welcome to my life….its a life im learning about….its a life im living through… its the life i think im living.

nannyk8

September 4, 2002 in Friends Blogs, Life | by Peej | Leave a comment

there is something to be said when -in the process of reading an entry- you need to remind yourself to breath..
i post this from nannykates blog http://nannyk8reallife.blogspot.com/.

life makes us into who we are. the things that happen to us, the people that touch us. i am perpetually grateful to so many for their impact on my life. those people will never know how deeply i am thankful, nor how much i love them…

read it. wow. and a personal public “thank you” to kate for her comment on my blog…
thank you. for more than you could ever know.

more later…

welcome

September 3, 2002 in Life | by Peej | Leave a comment

welcome to my exodus
welcome to my departure…
from the person i once was – to the person im now becoming.

welcome to the changes and failures of a child/boy/man fighting his way through the turbulent waters of the ocean of life.

i promise – nothing.
my goal – unsure…

my final destination – known.
my chart… unknown….

355 days and counting….
gnite.

(ps. nannyKate – have pookie give you my email addy so i can thank you personally for your comment)

love/forgiveness

August 21, 2002 in God, Life | by Peej | Leave a comment

so i dont think i have much to blog tonite.
i ended up renting a new flick… check out “hometown legend”.
good movie. very good.
hey – even relevant said it was good.
anyway.

i must say life offers us many very interesting challenges. and things change in a moment. we’ve all seen that. im not exactly sure why im still surprised by it. i guess it can just come from surprising sources.

someone who i havent talked to in months just said hi to me a few moments ago. @ the very moment i was thinking about her. weird.

God? maybe.
anyway…

i heard some good preachin sunday morning.
simply put – there may never be a good time to apologize. maybe i am waiting for the perfect moment. will that perfect moment ever happen?

all questions… no answers.

i know i said this earlier on. it just keeps popping up. more and more im realizing what faith isnt. and for that matter… what love isnt. love means having to say im sorry. love means having to swallow your pride. love means getting hurt. love… means betrayal.

here is a question for you – how much did the disciples learn from watching judas? from seeing one of their own betray the one they followed? what were the disciples supposed to learn? what did Christ feel? i mean – He was 100% God, but He was 100% man also. did he feel betrayed….?

i dunno.

forgiveness seems to be whats foremost on my mind. and – from the look of my past ramblings, i guess they’re may be a lot on my mind tonite….

forgiveness. asking for it. giving it.
forgiveness isnt a beautiful thing. its not all flowers and fluff. its gory. its sacrafice…. look @ what it cost Christ to simply pave the way for our forgiveness… just so we could share in the communion that He has with His father.

rambling… very rambling. and my song selection has been close to schzisophrenic. and dont mock my spelling. its late.

the hardest part of this life i think im living…. is simply that.
living.

ok… im gone for now.

the hardest part…

August 20, 2002 in Buffy, Life, The Soundtrack | by Peej | Leave a comment

im not sure exactly what it is inside of myself im so afraid of.
falling in love? pain? letting down those who i do love?…..

Christ gave all He had for those He loved. there was not one thing He held back.
He lost it all. for the sake of the ones whom He loved with all His heart. and they didnt even understand it….
they couldnt figure out why He had to go.

there are some things in this life i will never understand.

the hardest part about this life…. is living.

i didnt realize how much i miss human contact… i miss my dad. i miss my mom. i miss her hugs.

the winter here’s cold, and bitter
it’s chilled us to the bone
we haven’t seen the sun for weeks
to long too far from home
I feel just like I’m sinking
and I claw for solid ground
I’m pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go

as i listen to these lyrics… the tears are falling freely…

i guess what i miss most of all… is seeing my mom and dad… together.

i never knew there was stuff inside of me that could hurt this much….

pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you’re in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

the rightstuff

August 18, 2002 in Life | by Peej | Leave a comment

some people have all the right stuff stuff goin for them….
maybe im not one of those people.
22 years old and where do i find myself? thats a good question.

freefalling – weightless and terrified…..

clinging to all i know – and realizing that what i thought i knew….i didnt really know….

anyway. its late – and my mind wont shut up…but im in serious need of sleep. so im off.

freefalling

August 17, 2002 in God, Life | by Peej | Leave a comment

i dont think im gonna end up saying a whole lot this fair eve.
been thinkin a lot about trust.
trust and faith to be exact.

they are not pretty things. they’re painful. they’re painful and greedy.
they demand – like petty 3 year olds – all you have… and if you dont give it to them… they – just like the 3 year old – are not at fault for anything going wrong. they demand all with no physical guarentee on the return….

they arent the wings that enable you to fly… they’re the driving forces that push you off the cliff and into the freefall of the future.

and the thing is – parachutes aren’t allowed….