FindingTheCourageToDream.com

if one statement could describe the years of my adolesence. it was this show.
to say i was captured by it is an understatement. the show enraptured me.

i dont know why. but i connected with kevin on a level i find very rarely.

my point? its interesting how the topic of the wonder years came up. my last post dealt with the “one”. “who” ever she will be. and this post? the wonder years. a show about a boy growing up – next door to the girl… the young lady… the woman of his dreams.

a show that ends with them going seperate ways. i cried. the final episdoe… i honestly cried. i knew a part of me was gone. the brief moments i was allowed a peak into the ficitonal life of that group of people… was gone.

maybe thats pathetic… its interesting how reality can mimic life…

i dunno… just thinkin i guess.

if ive learned one thing from the past 8 months…. its this.

some chances. some oppurtunities. some moments… only come but once. you have the chance, a moment, a split second to grab it – and then its gone. what you do in those few brief moments of actual life… determine how the rest of your days are lived. you’re decisions in those moments – those defining moments – pave the way for the rest of the life you think your living…..

i guess i said all that to simply say this…. i dont want to miss falling in love.

im 22. im single. and i dont know if having done what ive done the past 22 years was worth it all. i had chances… oppurtunities… moments… that came but once. and i passed on many of them. i dont know if i was right in that.

second guessing yourself never gets you anywhere… so im gonna head to bed now. and try not to think. i will leave you again with the quote from last nite.
if you didnt guess, it is from the wonder years.

“All our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope… …all the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there’s someone perfect… …who might be searching for us. ”

im begining to wonder now… is there someone…. that single perfect person… whos actually looking for someone like me? to say its hard to believe it is an understatement.

i live this life one day at a time. and i hope and pray that thoses few times when true life touches this reality… those brief flashes of heaven… those -once in a life time- moments… i pray i wont miss them.

its odd really, because this question has never dogged me so much. ever. i wish i knew what kept drawing me back to it.
what is this question?

the one i find myself thinking about more than mt. dew? more than starbucks?
in all honesty – the question is one word. with major ramifications.

“who”

who is it that i will be waking up next to for the rest of my life? whos feet am i going to get the privilege of rubbing every nite when we relax on the couch? who is going to be there for me when my life falls apart? and who will be the one who gives me the precious gift of their trust when their life comes crashing down? who will be the gift that i get to spend the rest of my life with?

“who”

and oh my stinkin – if i knew why i kept thinking about this. i dont want to think about it. the thought of a serious relationship scares the heck outta me. litterally. i have commitment issues and i KNOW i do. ive got no problems announcing it. i know im no where near ready for an earth-moving relationship like that. i know im not anywhere near in the place where i could be any one of the things that she would need.

but i cant stop thinking about it.

not about any person i know.

but about “her”. whomever she may be.

ive dreamed at least once about “her” in the past week. which – for me – is incredible. i only remember at most maybe 3-4 dreams a year. i dont know “who” she is. and that isnt whats bothering me.

its that i cant stop thinking about her…. thats what bothers me.

well – i wont change anything tonite.

so i leave you with a quote from the tv show that most impacted my teen years –

“All our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope… …all the while wondering if somewhere… somehow… there’s someone perfect… …who might be searching for us.”

and this life i think im living continues…. as for me? time for bed.

goodnite