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it seems we humans enjoy living life with willful ignorance.  if its true, if ignorance really is bliss, then we strive for bliss with every fiber of our being.

we live life like there were no consequences.  we love, never truly showing that tomorrow, the ones we love could be gone.  we spend like the job will always be there.  we live, like tomorrow will always come.

when we lack our own stability, we create it wherever we can find it.

and it takes bravery and courage to stop.  to begin to ask the hard questions.  to change the way we look at life.  it takes bravery to tell yourself that your job may not be there tomorrow… that you really need to talk to your roommate about their substance abuse…. that we shouldn’t take advantage today, of what may be gone tomorrow.

so many of us are blessed to punch a clock.  to work our 8-5 and know our paycheck will be waiting.  to know that the same amount will always be deposited in our checking account.  we have our set of responsibilities and as long as they are completed by 5pm on Friday; the weekend, and the paycheck are ours.

Christs first choices never had that.  they never enjoyed that sense of security.  they lived and breathed the seeming randomness of the sea.  they could never bet on what they’d bring home.  they’d never know if it would be a big payday, or if their family would go hungry…they worked and toiled with all they had and there was no guarantee.

they lived life without a security blanket.

maybe God was trying to tell us something.  maybe He was trying to tell us that in this fallen world, life could change in an instant.  that the people we know and love could be gone in the blink of an eye.  that our 8-5 could be outsourced or downsized.  that life was meant to be lived because there was no guarantee outside of Him.

they never had stability and yet, they still got up every morning.  they could never find a firm foundation on their work and yet, they risked their lives every day.  they had families, friends, community.  and eventually, thet found their foundation in the only rock that would never move from beneath them.

im guilty too.

ive lived the past 27 years going from mini-crisis to mini-crisis.  as soon as God dealt with one, or i stopped freaking out about it, something new would rise up.  some new wave would threaten my oh so precious nets.  the boat would rock, id get splashed…

and id realize with a *gasp* that i was in a tiny little boat on a world covered by water.  id realize my life was puny, tiny, and of little consequence… and id scramble… id check my rigging, my nets, the boats course.  id double and tripple check…. all in the vain attempt at keeping all the balls in the air.  driven by the fear of coming back to port, a failure.

ive lived the past 27 years, in so many ways, simply running around my little boat.  so afraid that when id come back to port, id come back empty.  id come back, a failure.

and all this time, ive missed the One, walking on the waves.

there is no promise in this life…. even for followers of the Master Fisherman.  loved ones are still torn from us, decades before they should have been.  jobs are lost, friendships fail… life, even with the Saviour, can be breathtakingly painful.

He never promised an easy ride, but he did promise to be with us.  no matter what.  He promised to never leave us, to never leave me.

and its in those arms, that promise, that hope… that i must find my foundation.  that i must plant my life, and build my future upon.

because its in those arms, that life can be breathtakingly beautiful. 

p.s.
go listen to mutemath,  track 13.

 do you realize, that when noah saw that rainbow, it was the first rainbow ever?  maybe you knew that.  maybe its something you realized long ago.  if thats so, then great.  me?  that hit me earlier this week.

no one on earth had ever seen a rainbow before.  because it had never rained.

this promise wasnt just something that God used that already occurred in nature… no, it was something new. something real.  something tangible that would appear to noah at ‘random’ times throughout his remaining years.  and his children’s years, and their children’s years….. on through the ages.

it wasnt something re-used, recycled, restated or reinterpreted.  it was fresh.  real.  awe inspiring.

can you imagine?  i mean, ive seen rainbows before.  and they still make me stop.  they still bring awe.  they still remind me of Gods promise, of Gods promises.

they remind me of a man who faced opposition from every side, who did something that seemed insane in the midst of mockery and insults.  a man who was given a dream… and above all else, he followed the dream, the calling placed on his heart.

noah had never seen anything like this before.  this wasnt weird, this was insane.  this changed the way that a WORLD looked at the sky.

rainbows still impact me.  they make me realize how much more deeply life was meant to be lived.  how serious God was then, about making sure i lived now.  they still force me to ask if i am living as i should be.

am i worth what it cost for that first rainbow to be painted across the clearing skies?  was i worth it?  God basically started from scratch and just a few thousand years later – here i am.

God, i cannot tell you that ive lived up to the dreams you obviously had for your people.  You started from scratch, and for some reason, You chose me, for this time.  i need your help, please.  forgive, cleanse, heal.  and Father, remind me, like you did for Noah, of your promises.

change the way i look at the sky.

if i was honest with you this evening, id have confessions to make. if i was honest with you, id tell you how ive allowed anger, and hate, and distrust and pain to cloud my vision, drown out Gods voice, and disrupt my good judgement.

if i was honest with you this evening, id tell you that i was desperate. and in desperate need. id tell you that the words to the song breathe were echoed in my heart as much as they pour from my speakers.

if i was honest with you, id tell you that somehow, in the midst of the pain, the anger, the hate, the guilt… i lost who i wanted to become. i lost… me.

if i was honest with you tonight, id tell you that i needed change. that i needed fresh vision, that i needed to feel free. that i needed to be free. that i needed to find the me that i lost.

if i was honest with you tonight, id tell you that, i am lost. and that i dont really know where im going.

the more i live, the more i realize that the prayers we pray arent always the deepest things inside of us. im realizing that the cries from our hearts sometimes cannot be uttered in vocalized prayer… sometimes we simply hope that these become the things that God feels. we hope that this amazingly huge God we worship has the ability to look into our souls, see the needs that are there, and work accordingly.

i think at one point or another, we all find ourselves at this point. at the point of knowing that this decision, the decision to change, must be made. we either do what it takes to leave this anger behind, or we let past circumstances mold us, and eventually, control the rest of our lives.

maybe you’re one of the lucky ones, one of those who escaped from scarring during your early years. maybe you had a great family that supported you, friends who never left, and people in your life when you needed them… maybe you can look back, and not question.

thats not me.

i dont look back and not have questions. i dont look back and not wonder why i had to go through all this. i dont look back and, even while seeing the hand of God, not want to ask why. not want to demand an explanation…. not want to know what master plan i’m a part of.

and honestly, i dont think its the questions that haunt me. its not that im afraid of the answers, as much as i am, of asking the questions.
i was at walmart last week. typical evening, typical walmart trip…

i saw her as she was looking at broccoli. she was probably my age. mid-late 20s, easily 7 months pregnant… you could almost see the weariness in her eyes… but that wasnt what caught me.

her wrists, both were wrapped in gauze. you could see the red of dried blood under the bandages.

she had tried to commit suicide and she was out buying broccoli.

her arms… from the just above her elbow to beyond her tshirt sleeves, were covered in scars. thin, sequential, self inflicted….

i wanted to hug her. to tell her she was beautiful. i wanted to show her the beauty i saw… and how i ached to know she was hurting… i wanted to offer her hope. i wanted to offer her a better tomorrow.

instead i just stood there, lost… tears in my eyes… praying… not knowing what i could do to help. not knowing where i could point her… who would know how to handle something like this.

i wanted to tell her she wasnt alone. i wanted to tell her that this life was worth living, that she was beautiful and worthy of love…
now, maybe you can look back, and you dont have questions. maybe youre lucky enough to have your world view fit into your Christian box.

i cant. im not going to be that person. im never going to be that person.

because next time… next time i want to be able to tell her that ive felt as she has. that ive been through hell, and that life is worth it on the other side. i want to tell her that there is freedom, there is hope, there is amazing life on the other side of where she is… i want to tell her she isnt alone. i want to listen to her questions, and i want to offer answers.

whatever it takes, to get to that place, to be able to offer that help to those that are hurting, Lord…let it be done in me.