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the more i live, the more i realize that we – as humans – need to cling. to things, ideals, people, things, memories, dreams, places, hopes and even… fears.

they’re the things that (we think anyway) make us, us. they are the things we believe make us who we are. we pull our identity, our very lives – the way we respond to people, our attitudes, beliefs and choices – all come from these things.

the ‘things’, if we buy into it, make us who we are.

and if one of those things breaks, or is damaged, or changes, or disappears… or suddenly we see it for what it really is, our lives are thrown into turmoil.

im not sure where im going with this tonite, its just been something ive been thinking about. i guess maybe im realizing all the things im holding onto. and im not holding just to hold, oh no. im clinging.

im identifying with these things. with these beliefs, systems, defense mechanisms, walls, hurts, pains and ideals. im identifying more with these stupid things than i am with the Saviour of my soul, the creator of all good things.

why? why on earth would i do this? simple. things are (usually) reliable. if i spin a pillar or stavesacre cd, i know its gonna rock. if i put the key in the ignition, the car starts. if eat junk instead of a salad, it feels and tastes better.

the list goes on.

the point is, these things offer a predefined and predetermined ending. you know the ending from the beginning. and isnt that mans original sin anyway? to know the end from the beginning? to be like God? funny how its mutated into something so… innocuous.

and the things arent really the issue. because i could remove some of those things. and in the past, i have. but the things arent where my focus should be. the issue, for me anyway is to be honest – fear.

im afraid to dream. im afraid to hope. im afraid to live beyond the four walls that ive so tightly constructed for myself. i wasn’t raised in an enviroment where i was encouraged to dream. did i? did i dream? oh heck yeah. i did. but in the absence of encouragement, ones dreams fade.

i could blame any number of things for where i find myself. but the bottom line is, i chose to listen to fear. i was afraid. afraid that my dreams wouldnt come true. that i wasnt worthy enough to even pursue them. i cling to the things i know offer a predetermined course of action and ending, because it feels safe.

i was talking with sister #2 on the phone last weekend. and before we have to go our seperate ways, i always ask her how i can pray. and she asks me the same. my answer? and ive no idea where it came from… i asked her to pray that i may have the courage to dream again.

woah.

me, dreaming? you mean at 26 this isnt all life has to offer? you mean that i can still hope? that He isnt done with me yet? that this existence that, in so many ways simply sucks any hope out of me, isnt everything?

in a word… yes.

im going to find it. i dont even know if i will find it. but im going to search. i dont want to feel empty anymore. i dont want to just live the responsible, safe life. i dont want to be the one guy at work with a perfect attendance record if it means i dont have a life.

i want to answer the call. i want to drop the things that ive used so long to define who i am and begin to see those things transformed into things that bring Him glory. that point others to the Saviour i profess. that…. that cant help but be lights for who He is. for His renown.

i want to lie prostrate in His presence surrounded by like minded people. i want to worship till it hurts. i want all nite praise sessions and accountability. i want mentorship and i want to grow.

i want to follow the One with abandon. i want to drop all that i am and cling to all He is. i want to hear my dreams in His voice, to see my future in His eyes and to see my life in His hands.

i want to live. i want to dream.

and i want to live my dreams.

have you ever wanted something so badly that the desire nearly drives you insane?

i think thats where i find myself tonight. but the thing is, im not sure what im looking for. i dont know what i want, i just know i want it. does that make any sense? or am i just going crazy? probably a little bit of both…

i used to think that i had some level of control. that i had some power over things… but ive forgotten how quickly things can change. and its in those moments of change that we realize that we’re not in control.

the brave ones accept the change. they accept the reality that they’re not in control. and that this little piece of control they thought they had, well… they give it up. they learn, accept and understand the truth about that little piece of their life. and they move on.

the cowards scramble for control. they reel in shock. they turn a blind eye, turn to distractions (drugs, alcohol, sex,) anything to numb the shock. and the moment they can grasp that level of control back, they do so. or at least, the moment they can re-create their imagined sense of control, they do. and the walls they build up to protect this control are built on the crumbled ruins of many previous attempts.

the brave in me wants to accpet the change. it wants to accept the reality that i am, in no way shape or form, in control. the brave in me wants to give up that little piece of control. it wants to learn, accept and understand the truth. the brave in me wants to move on.

i want to move on. desperately.

but i dont know how. or maybe its not so much knowing how, maybe its the battle between the brave in me, and the coward in me.

but cowards never changed the world. cowards were never the first to see the sunrise from the top of some great mountain. cowards didnt turn the tide of the battle. cowards never saw the pacific ocean… from the surface of the moon.

cowards never fall in love. they never have the guts to – put themselves on the line and truly say how the feel about someone. they dont take the risk of being shot down. they dont swim in the deep end so to speak, they never go underwater or see how long they can hold their breath. they never come up gasping for life giving air. so they continue breathing easy, but they never have their breath taken away.

i dont want to live that way. i want to risk my breath. i want to have times where its hard to breathe even if its because of pain. if it means ill be truly alive, and even if it means ive gotta fight for it. id dont want to breathe easy anymore…

i want to be gasping for air.

a month is probably one of the longest times ive gone between postings. and to be honest, im not sure i have one specific reason why its taken me this long to come back here. then again, most things in life that we remember aren’t singular things… they’re culminations of places, events, actions and people. so maybe thats what brings me back, or has kept me away.

ive always tried to be honest on my blog. ive never been one to give a running account of my daily activities.

“dear diary, i went to walmart and got toothpaste today”

“dear diary, i have to go to work tomorrow”

“dear diary, today I was pompous and my sister was crazy.” “today, we were kidnapped by hill folk never to be seen again. It was the best day ever.”

the whole diary thing never cut it for me. this hasnt been about the things i do, its been about who i am. who ive been and who i am becoming. this blog has been a reflection of me. and recently, ive been lonely.

God, id do almost anything for some good friends down here. i cant even begin to describe how much ive avoided posting, because i knew that id have to be honest, and that being honest would be saying that i was lonely. and i was too proud to admit that i was lonely.

but i am. i am lonely.

i could go into details about how im trying. how ive been invited out, and asked out, by coworkers. how last sunday night found me with a new group of christians my age. how im looking for a church. ive tried out churches. but thats not honestly where i want to go.

—

i made spaghetti today. and i realized, standing in front of the stove, about to immerse some unsuspecting pasta into the boiling water, how my life is very much like a piece of spaghetti.

because its only when exposed to intense heat that a piece of spaghetti will bend, and not break. it will move and commune and intermix with those around it. take the heat away and you’ve got a stiff, unmoving, unwilling, brittle, useless piece of baked grain.

the times i look back on fondly. the people, friendships that i miss the most, were those born out of adversity. those that were birthed in fire.

they say practice makes perfect. that there is a song worth singing. they say that all our trying, our pain, our strength poured out… they say it’ll be worth it. they say that there are people, things, places and expierences worth walking through this. they say that this life is worth living.

and thats what i want. i want a life worth living. i want the heat. i want the pain if it means i can expierence the joy.

so if this is practice, if this is my time in the studio. if this is where i hone my skills so to speak, then bring it on. because a time is coming when my life will come into accord with those around me. with the friends, relationships, church that He has for me. and when the great conductor begins… you will hear the orchestra.

there are times… many times in the bible when Gods chosen were brought to a place of tears, a place of questioning, a place where doubts, fears and uncertainties were all that swirled around there feet.

and its in those self same times that God reconfirmed His plan, rebirthed the vision in their lives and reiginited the passion that they needed.

you may not have all the answers, but you know who does. and thats enough.

……

you know, i think we’ve got this whole “church” idea all wrong.

im sitting here tonite, watching the superbowl. seeing what 60 maybe 70,000 screaming people who paid up to $50,000 PER SEAT to watch grown men chase a ball around a field looks like.

and these people, these fans, these worshippers are pouring their love, their adoration, their all into this game. they’re cheering when things go their way, and crying when their team cries. their lives revolve around this. there is nothing else for them. for these 4 hours, these people are one with their team. the goal is unquestioned and the vision clear. this is church. this is church in its most basic, and pure form.

church shouldnt be all stuffy, religious and “proper”. church should be someplace we can go and be encouraged. someplace to encourage, to cheer, to cry when someone falls and to be there to help them up. its a place to go when we’ve fallen, for we know our teamates will be there for us.

church should be… church should be me telling you “go april! you CAN do this”.

church should be full of people reminding you of all the times God has shown up and shown off in your life. church should be getting in your face and rebuking doubt, reminding you of who Your Father is, where your strength lies, and who is under your feet.

church should be full of coaching, learning and amazing worship services, i mean um… halftime shows.

so you know what april?

welcome to church.

im you’re fan. you can do this. victory is yours because your coach, well…

He’s the best.