You are currently browsing Peej’s articles.
i saw your name just now. can we say ‘caught offguard’? and wow… ive absolutely no idea how to react.
what did i do?
what did i say?
you’re just, you left. youre gone.
part of me is desperate to find out what on earth i did. part of me wonders if it wasnt something i dont know about, but, just a cumulation of me not being the person i should have been.
but another part of me is quietly whispering to me… its telling me that you’ve repeatedly said i didnt do anything. that i hadnt screwed up. that i know nothing and that therefore its pointless for me to try to apologize.
everyone makes mistakes. and im sorry for those i made.
but im not going to apologize to you anymore. i want to not worry about what happened. i want to not freak out every time i see your name. life goes on. and ive got to go with it.
but i dont want too. i want to sit here. i want to tell you im scared. im worried. im hurt and im lost and im wondering…
im wondering why.
august evenings
bring subtle warnings to remember
to kiss the ones you love goodnight
bring subtle warnings to remember
to kiss the ones you love goodnight
you never know what temporal days may bring
laugh and love, live free and sing
when life is discord-
praise ye the Lord
im beginning to realize that our capacity for joy, our ability to expierence the happiness that living contains, our skill at seeing the good, the happy, the things to smile about in the everyday, is linked to the hell we’ve seen.
there are times when i dont think i could laugh at what i laugh at, had i not cried when i did. there are times when i sit back and realize i wouldnt be able to live, love and laugh as often as i do, i wouldnt be as thankful for what i have; if i wasnt forced to realize what could be, and at times was, lost.
we went to the texas state fair today. its a yearly tradition for my family to go at least once to the state fair. good food. fun car show. overall a great time. but something caught me, something made me pause.
we ended up watching one of those dog shows where they take the dogs through different skills. frisbee catching, pole-weaving, flat out speed, etc. we’d been last year to this show and it proved again to be a fun time.
i sat amazed throughout almost the entire show. not at how many frisbees were caught, or how high the dogs could jump, but at how rapt these four legged animals were with their owners, with their masters. the crowd of easily 2-3 thousand, the other dogs, the noise, the music, the announcer, none of it mattered. these dogs attention was unwaveringly focused on their masters. nothing else mattered. they litterally exploded out of the cages and their eyes didnt leave their masters.
and beyond that, they were having fun. they lived for what they were doing.
what hit me the hardests? the frisbees.
each dog did some amazing tricks catching frisbess thrown all over the arena. and each and every dog missed some frisbees…. but get this, they DID NOT CARE.
they didnt stop and apologize, they didnt lose focus, they didnt for one second wonder or fear or second guess the love their masters had for them. they didnt lose it, they didnt break down or stop trying. they kept going. they forgot about the dropped frisbee immediately for the next thing flowing from the hand of their master. they were living in the gaze of their masters and absolutely nothing else mattered.
it didnt matter if they dropped 1 frisbee, or all of them. this wasnt about the frisbee tricks, it wasnt about a job well done, it wasnt about the crowd, or the guy who just dropped his hamburger, this wasnt about the circumstances or surroundings, this wasnt about being better than the next dog. this was about the master. this was about the next chace they’d get to be in His arms, to feel His love and know that they were the only thing that mattered to him. this was about the master and only the master.
these four legged animals that cannot talk, cannot clean up after themselves, these smelly, slobery dogs were teaching me about life. about truly living. about not caring about their surroundings, about living in a time where every conceivable distraction is thrown at you, and yet your focus doesnt waver.
what world i would live in if i could only learn to live for the masters gaze. to live in all that He has for me, to forget the dropped firsbees, the messes left, the times i made a mistake or flat out disobeyed. who would i be if i truly dropped all pretenses and let myself rely on the truth that His love for me isnt based on catching firsbees? what impact would i have if i was freed to be me, to live for being with my master and to love every single moment of life? who would i be? how would i change? what would happen if i stopped crying over dropped frisbess, and simply began to live?
keep waiting
-stavesacre
i was far away from here, felt like a million miles
under unfamiliar skies
in more than one way far from dreams I’d dreamed
i’d seen the blinding light, there was hope but was there time
slow trigger starting line
and each day of waiting seemed eternity
under unfamiliar skies
in more than one way far from dreams I’d dreamed
i’d seen the blinding light, there was hope but was there time
slow trigger starting line
and each day of waiting seemed eternity
You never left my side
You never left my mind
so they will open up their mouths
but really who are they?
and soon enough they’ll fade away
only blind but soon they’ll have to see
fear like a cancer spreads
how many more will drop their eyes
lift their hands and wait to die
and how much time to spend to see who stands
but I think i know the way
i got a promise on the mind
and ill be looking for what’s mine
Sovereign stillness whispers trust in Me
in just a little while
theyll wish that they were silent
keep waiting
I’ll be right on time
keep waiting
I’ll be right on time
and when they try to take your eyes off of Me
remember
and when they try to take your eyes off of Me
remember Me
keep waiting
I’ll be right on time
keep waiting
I’ll be right on time
help me trust, help me wait. help me hear the sovereign stillness. and when they try to take my eyes off of You, help me remember. help me remember You.
You are more beautiful
than anyone ever
everyday Your the same
You never change
no never
than anyone ever
everyday Your the same
You never change
no never
and how could i ever deny
the love of my saviour
You are to me everything
all i need forever
how could You be so good to me?
there is no one like You
there has never ever been anyone
like You
everywhere You are there
earth or air, surrounding
im not alone the heavens sing along
my God Your so astounding
how could You be so good to me?
eternally, i believe
there is no one like You
there has never ever been anyone like You
im not alone
so sing along
your not alone
so sing along
there is no one like You
there has never ever been anyone like You
something struck me earlier this evening.
2005 is almost over with.
i know, its october on the calendar. that should be a clue that “hey, the year is drawing to a close”. what hit me harder, was the fact that life still feels like its on hold.
like im circling the airport, the sunset behind me, but there isnt an open runway. my landing gear isnt dropping. “something” is keeping me from the next thing.
part of me is pushing for the next thing. part of me is hungry. unsatisfied. unwilling to accept the “now” in favor of lusting after the “next”. its a void in my life. and i know its there.
but another part of me is quietly wondering if this is the “next”. if i should stop living in the hope of a next and start living in the real of the now.
maybe its because life isnt easy. and we humans dont like to intentionally put ourselves where it hurts. but it does. losing a best friend hurts. watching your sister break down into tears at the mere thought of eating a meal hurts. being totally helpless about both of those situations… it hurts.
and the part of me that is whispering quietly about the benefit of the “now”. is quickly being drowned out by the part of me that is screaming. screaming in frustration. screaming in anger. screaming in hate. screaming in pain. screaming in fear. screaming alone.
there is supposed to be a beauty in surrendering. in learning to let go. in letting loose. there is suposed to be a beauty in giving up and giving it over to our Creator.
im beginning to believe that this beauty has more in common with an ancient shipwreck nestled in the coral at the bottom of the sea, than the beauty youd see in your local mall. its exotic. its unusual. its a beauty brought of violence. a beauty birthed with tears. a beauty that doesnt come from pampering or prestiege, but one born from loss, heartache, pain.
the difference between this beauty and the one our world worships, the one you see plastered in magazines, on tv, billboards and desired by women everywhere, the difference between true beauty and this plastic beauty is that true beauty is earned… and it cannot die.
it doesnt need to be touched up. it cannot be reapplied. it doesnt fade, warp, change or lose its luster.
true beauty is born from a brokeness within. true beauty exudes a light that no darkness, no matter how powerful, can extinguish. true beauty is both terrifying and wonderful. true beauty is a process. its a journey. and its one that requires the willingness, each and every day to step up and answer questions that you dont want to be asked. it demands all you have and when you think you’ve given all you can, it shows you more that must be given.
true beauty is horribly beautiful.
and its what i live for. or rather, what i want to live for.
so if this is “now”. if it means i need to stop panting for the “next”. then so be it. im already to the conlusion that its beyond my own power to accomplish either goal. this, more or less, is just my confession that i cannot do it. i cannot create in myself, by myself the beauty i so hunger to see. the beauty i need.
and therein lies the key.
i need.
and i cannot fulfill the need.
are we left here on our own? can you feel when your last breath is gone? night is weighing heavy now. be quite and and wait for a voice that will say…
come awake. from sleep, arise. you were dead, become alive. wake up wake up. open your eyes. climb from your grave into the light.
bring us back to life
sorry everyone,
it seems I had an issue with the comments. that should be resloved now. thanks!
if you’re a regular reader to my blog you’ve noticed it going through some transformations. those changes have been reflective of my own life. of things changing. growing. dieing. blossiming.
im beginning to realize that just as much as life changes; our viewpoint, our ability to see, our eyes – so to speak – are opened more. and because of both of these things we see new things.
i am a firm believer that change begins in the small things. the unnoticed things, the things that most dont see. i believe that in paying attention to the small things, the overlooked things, the “im too busy to notice” things, we find life. and in doing so, in finding life, we find ourselves.
welcome to my life. the small things, the big things and everything in between. this isnt a diary so much as it is a part of who i am. an expression of the things that would go unsaid. this is me, playing with a thunderstorm.
if you could, pray for my family this weekend and all those in texas and louisianna. rita is headed there this weekend. id be there helpin them get ready but unfortunately, work has me in michigan for two weeks on a last minute business trip.
also, beebs – somehow in the transition to the new blog format, i lost a link to yours. that will be remidied. sorry!
thanks for the prayers!
although words just dont seem to be here tonite, i could not let this week in September pass by without saying something.
im not sure i have words right now. not for what this week represents. for how much, what seems lifetimes ago, life changed. the world changed. my world changed. and i started a journey that i never in my wildest dreams could have fathomed. life fell apart. and i was forced to pick up the pieces.
now i stand, four years later amazed at whats happened. holding fast to the break of day….
ill be honest, for the most part im too afraid to look for His hand in all this. in all thats transpired. im resistant to finding His over-arching will buried inside of the shadows of the past 4 years. im not wanting to believe that a loving God could have anything to do with all thats happened.
………
i’ve absolutely no idea how to close tonites post. so im not going to. not officially. but ill leave you with this…
a new song.
for a new time.
and by the way, welcome back to my life…
oh Lord, why did you forsake me
oh Lord, dont be far away
storm clouds gathering beside me
please Lord, dont look the other way
oh Lord, dont be far away
storm clouds gathering beside me
please Lord, dont look the other way
we are crooked souls
trying to stay up straight
dry eyes in the pouring rain
well
the shadow proves the sunshine
the shadow proves the sunshine
i miss you.
i know ive done everything possible in previous postings to not broach this subject. ive written so many things about dealing with life, about living, about having the rug ripped out from under you… ive intentionally written about everything else there is to write about. but at the end of the day, if im honest with myself; i do, i miss you.
im sorry i dont know how else to express to you what im feeling. “i miss you” hardly covers it. and i know that for the most part, if ive said anything on the blog, its only had to do with moving on. that is part of the truth. that is part of what im feeling, definitetly. but its not all of it. it is absolutely not a lie. but its not the whole truth.
the whole truth would include care, questions, wonderings and im sure some whys would be thrown in there. the whole truth would show you how much watching this expanse grow, hurts. it would express how; well, you said it yourself. maybe not in so many words, but your basic thought was how important our feelings were. for, if nothing else, they validated how much someone meant to us.
my point? im not sure totally. but you need to know, and i need to say, you’re still valuable. and saying goodbye hurts. and maybe in this case, those two things go hand in hand.
i dont know what the future has now. you and i were inseparable. and now, well. its not that way anymore. i dont what to do now. i honestly dont. i dont know if this is goodbye, or see you soon, or… i just dont know. i guess its whats next isnt it? its whats coming. and its where the roads are leading us. so bring it on.
i pray for you, for the roads we walk from here on out…. i pray that we may always discover. i am thankful for the God of all things new.
may God be with us. and may life be breathtaking.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 