You are currently browsing Peej’s articles.
i spent a significant portion of the last week worrying about things i honestly have no control over. and im only now realizing that i’ve been coaching my team at work, to not worry about the things in our profession that we have no control over.
i think we use the word worry, to cover a multitude of deeper questions that we ask ourselves, but rarely, if ever, get uttered out loud.
questions about why certain people get sick. or where the next car payment is going to come from. questions about why someone you love gets laid off, or why he left. how you’ll pay off that credit card, or will she actually get well.
if you’re like me, those questions immediately force us to look inward, we start to question our own worth. our own worthiness. and we question the power, the will of the One we believe set the planet in orbit.
those questions haunt. they keep us up at night. they gnaw on our souls and pick apart our peace. they destroy, bit by tiny bit, the fragile faith that lives inside of us.
when our focus fades from the One who set the stars in the sky, we lose sight of the beauty that is around us. we lose sight of the awe, the amazing, the beautiful and breathtaking. we lose the birdsong in the morning, the sun dappled canopy of trees and the crimson sunset in the evening. when we lose our focus; the challenges we face, the loneliness, the loss, the heartache, become overwhelming. we lose our sense of purpose, our sense of direction, and our reason for being.
when we lose our focus, when we lose sight of the Author of the story we’re living, our hearts grow calloused, and the ancient music flowing through our souls fades. we begin to drown in the very things we were told we would be victorious over. we struggle to breath. we fight for the things that should come easily, and we grasp at the things we’ve been asked to surrender.
when we lose sight of the One who calls the stars by name, we lose our very selves. we lose all of what matters in life.
we lose life.
admitting i need help, doesnt come easily. im stubborn, and probably proud.
ive walked a lot of this past decade alone. not that i didnt have friends and family, but i didnt let them in. i never showed weakness. i rarely let my emotions show. and when given the chance, i choke. i freeze. the questions strangle the words. and the questions tell me i am unworthy. that their friendship is conditional, that if they knew the real me, they’d leave. like my father left. that i am not worthy of the love they so freely offer. so i do what i ‘know’ is coming, and i cut off the relationship before it gets too deep.
and then i wonder, why the loneliness hurts so much.
—
‘Well, Sam!’ he said, ‘What about it? I am leaving the Shire as soon as ever I can – in fact I have made up my mind now not to even wait a day at Crickhollow, if it can be helped.’
‘Very good, sir!’
‘You still mean to come with me?’
‘I do.’
‘It is going to be dangerous, Sam. It is already dangerous. Most likely, neither of us will come back.’
‘If you don’t come back sir, then i shan’t, that’s certain,’ said Sam. ‘Don’t you leave him! they said to me. Leave him! I said. I never mean to. I am going with him, if he climbs to the Moon, and if any of those Black Riders try to stop him, they’ll have Sam Gamgee to reckon with, I said.
—
i’m learning that if i ever want to walk free of this pain, it means becoming reacquainted with my heart. it means allowing myself to feel again, even the things that hurt. it means digging deep into the reasons i feel so unworthy, and bringing them to the light.
it means being real with myself, and with those who call me friend.
we were born for community. for friendship. for being there. we were born to walk this life with others. after adam was created, God created (eve) to complete the story. as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. a cord of three strands is not easily broken.
to hope we get through this life unscathed is a foolish hope. but to hope that we see the beauty that surrounds us, that we hear the song that was written and sung by those who walked these paths before us, to hope that we hear the birds, see the sun dappled trees and the crimson tide of the sunset, to hope that we find beauty in unlikely places, and friends in unlikely people is a real hope. it is a wise hope. it is a hope birthed not in us, but in the Author writing this story.
we will be bruised, wounded, broken. but it needn’t be the end of our story. if we allow ourselves to refocus on the One who has never left our side, if we let go of the things we’ve grasped on to, and learn, again, to breath, we will get through it.
the roads we’re asked to walk may never be easy, they may even be dangerous. but they can be beautiful, if we can find the beauty in the brokenness. there is completion. there is healing, if we’d only believe that this, we, our story, is far from over.
the Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners
–Isaiah 61
mutemath – stall out
racing on a fault line
bracing for a landslide
conscious of everything getting harder
has the race goes underwater
i keep stalling out
i just cant keep up
there’s alarming doubt
am i good enough?
but You keep coming around
to convince me
its still far from over
we are still far
we are still far
we are still far
from over
God’s glory is on tour in the skies, God-craft on exhibit across the horizon. …their words aren’t heard, their voices aren’t recorded, but their silence fills the earth: unspoken truth is spoken everywhere.
-psalm 19
the more i learn, the more i am convinced that we live our lives blinded to the miraculous. that we live cocooned inside of our preconceived notions. notions that require us to be good enough, righteous enough, or holy enough to earn the love of this being we called God.
notions that have, for the large majority of our lives, defined us. they control our habits, tell us what to buy and how to dress. notions that say that “good christians dont ____“. notions that control, that we allow to control.
i think we had it right, growing up. when the biggest questions we ever asked was whose house we’d play at the next day. when gi joes, legos and starwars equaled life. when love wasnt something we questioned, or wondered about. when we knew we were loved. when we knew our value because we didnt know anything else.
i dont want to live inside of these notions. of believing that miracles are the result of something i have to do. that grace must be earned, that unconditional love is conditional. i dont want to live fenced inside of these false beliefs. these controlling pretenses.
and i think thats that He’s been after all along.
to get us to step outside of our barriers. to stop trying to earn what He’s already paid the price for. to believe, that this unconditional love, is unconditional.
and that whispered inside this silent fullness, exists something ancient. something we knew at one time, something that we know must still exist because our hearts still yearn for it. something that we know if only because we see the lack of it in our lives. we hear the echoes as it call to our souls. it calls for us to to believe that unspoken truth is spoken everywhere.
and that this truth is simple. it is ancient. and it is beautiful.
He will never let us go. ever.
fee – arms that hold the universe
you will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart…
– Jeremiah 29:13
“what more can be said, what greater case can be made than this: to find God, you must look with all your heart. to remain present to God, you must remain present to your heart. to hear His voice, you must listen with your heart. to love Him, you must love with all your heart. you cannot be the person God meant you to be, and you cannot live the life He meant you to live, unless you live from the heart.”
– John Eldredge
Waking the Dead
king of this heart – matt readman:
the last time i sat, and simply watched the world go by, i was more than a thousand miles from here. and, as im now realizing, facing some of the same challenges. and i grasped then, as i do now, that there is so much more going on here than i’ll probably ever understand. that there is more to the story than i allow myself to see.
i, like so many of us, had given up on the mythos that calls to our hearts. the mystery and myth that swirls through our favorite stories. i’d given up on adventure, on stories worth telling.
in so many ways, ive believed the lie that this life is all that there is. that face value, is real value.
and i am reminded tonight that there is more to the story than i see right now. that life isnt 9-5, pivot tables and time-sheets. im reminded that we were called to live life abundantly. and i am reminded that there exists one who’s very goal is to keep us from that life.
John Eldredge in Waking the Dead talks of this mythos. of realizing that there is more. he says
“of all the Eternal Truths we dont believe, this is the one we doubt most of all. our days are not extraordinary. they are filled with the mundane, with hassles mostly. and we? we are… a dime a dozen. nothing special really. probably a disappointment to God. but as CS Lewis wrote, “the value of… myth is that it takes all the things we know and restores them to the rich significance which has been hidden by the ‘veil of familiarity.'” you are not what you think you are. there is a glory to your life that your enemy fears, and he is hell-bent on destroying that glory before you act on it. this part of the answer will sound unbelievable at first; perhaps it will sound too good to be true; certainly, you will wonder if its true for you. but once you begin to see with those eyes, once you have begun to know it is true from the bottom of your heart, it will change everything.
the story of your life is the long and brutal assault on your heart by the one who knows what you could be and fears it.”
so as i sit, and the world is passing me by, i am realizing, again that starbucks, commuting, and this 2 dimensional world i so often chose to live in, isnt all there is.
i spent the majority of last week in Michigan on business. and throughout the trip, i kept mulling on the word adventure. i had prayed, before i left, that the trip would be a success and that i would find an adventure. the trip went well, and although the adventure i’d asked for did come, it wasnt at all what i had expected.
one comment my boss said last week, stuck with me. we were talking about hobbies, about how i love antiques and music, and about how he loves classic cars and 40’s big band. and he said that when he retired, he’d love to set up a dark room, go shooting, and develop his own photos.
he said it wasnt because he wanted to be a great photographer, or that he even enjoyed taking pictures. he said….
“sometimes, its not the picture that matters. sometimes is the process of developing it.”
sometimes its not the destination that matters, but the process of getting there.
sometimes, its not where one is headed, but that one travels. sometimes the goal isnt the destination, but about living life. and you… i will never live this life sitting still. i wont live it behind a computer screen, or inside my cocooned world of electronic gadgetry.
life is found when we risk something. and life is lived, when we get something wrong. when we think we know something, and we realize that we were completely incorrect.
and completely incomplete.
its in those moments, when another page of our story is written. and we look back upon the words we spoke, the messages we delivered, the way we loved, or didnt, and we learn. we learn who we are, and where we need to change. we learn about our lives, our hearts, our hurts, and the hurts of others.
its in those moments that we see ourselves for who we really are.
and its in those moments we see others for who they are.
(eve)- i once thought i knew who you were. i once thought i understood where i was, where this was headed. i realize now, that there may be things i’m never certain of.
that doesnt mean you’re not out there. life is mysterious, it is mythic, to be lived fully, and should be revered as such. as deep, wide, and all-consuming. it should be looked at as an adventure.
and if living in this adventure means being uncertain of more things than i am certain of, then so be it.
because it will be worth it. because following this story through to the end, because reading this opus, because getting lost in the myth, will be worth it.
because you, loving you, will be worth it.
so i will live in the adventure now, to be ready for that time. i will jump headlong into the story of my life. and when you appear, i will be ready.
future of forestry – set your sails
we live our lives trying to maintain balance. driven to play fair, all the while veiling our intent of protecting what we feel is rightfully ours.
we live balancing our own desires for self preservation and expansion, with the knowledge that we should play nice. we may, on occasion, look out for another, or step outside of our comfort zone. but we do so only when we know we are mere steps away from being in control. we only risk what doesnt matter. and we only give what we can live without.
we donate our old books, our used clothes, the shoes and tupperware we no longer need. but we keep the new, the best, for ourselves.
we dont give grace, we dont live out the realness of mercy. sure, we can when it doesnt cost, or when its something we no longer need. but ask for something we just obtained? step into and muddy our comfort zone? and we forget the grace we ourselves, were given.
take something we believe is rightfully ours, and see how little we truly understand this thing called grace.
back into our car and drive off, catch us doing something embarrassing and laugh, trip us up and make us stumble, and you’ll see what we’re made of.
topple our painstakingly created house of cards and you will not find grace. you will not find mercy. you will not find someone conscious of the grace they were given.
shatter our facade, and you will see us as we are. broken, wounded, hungry, scarred and scared. and in our own eyes, unworthy of the grace we have been shown. and in that perception, in that lack of belief, of trust in the grace given, we lash out. we defend, our turf, our selves, our self-worth.
you dont see grace, because we lost sight of it.
you dont see grace, because i lost sight of it.
—
the highest calling we will ever be given, isnt to preach to millions, or have our writings inspire the masses. it’s not to raise awareness of the poor or funds for the downtrodden.
it is to love, as Christ loved.
it is to show grace, as He showed grace.
it is to be real, and honest, and let people see us, for us. for the broken, wounded, hungry, scarred and scared people that we are. but it’s also to show them, that this isnt all of who we are.
that there is more.
that we’ve been shown grace.
that our wounds are healing. that are fears, are falling by the wayside.
that we answered a divine invitation, and our lives were never the same.
,,,,,,
future of forestry – divine invitation
in this divine invitation
we find Your embrace
and in our deep adoration
see the light of Your face
in this divine invitation
we all find the place
for our souls
where the longings were born long ago
tonight? tonight my heart is full. and tonight i am challenged.
tonight, i am reminded of things bigger than me. of dreams bigger than the life im currently living. tonight i am reminded that its not that we were called to be perfect, but that we were called to trust.
tonight, i am humbled. by the beauty i see in those close to me, and close to my heart.
tonight, i am reminded again, that life isnt meant to be lived with a focus on the now. but that life was meant to be lived looking forward, looking towards something. tonight, i am reminded that the calling we follow isnt to drown in the patterns and responsibilities of our jobs or slowly fade away in the busyness of the now, but to reflect the love of the One who created the very fabric of time.
tonight, i am reminded of hope.
i am reminded that we walk by faith, and not by sight.
so even when i dont see, i will believe.
that i am not alone. that this isnt all there is. that there is more. and that we, you and i, were called to live in the more. that we were called to passionately follow the God of passionate love. that we were called to see the sunrise, feel the warmth of the ocean breeze, stand in awe of the mountains and sit in silence under the desert sky.
that we were called to love, fiercely.
i will believe that there is a great and wonderful and beautiful story being written, that we are IN this story, and that we would see it as it is.
we will see the beauty, the hope, the greatness and wonder of each day, if only we would believe.
one sonic society – burn
i was thinking a few days ago. thinking about worship, and this thing called love. and i began to understand that part of my apprehension with love in general, is the same reason that there are certain things i just wont do in public.
i wont sing.
i can stand up in front of CEO’s, Presidents, VP’s, Directors, etc. and give a presentation. but sing? i wont even do that in the shower.
why?
because when i do something, i like doing it well. very, very well. and if i cannot do it well, then i do not want to try.
thats a dangerous way to live ones life. living that way means never trying something new. it means never experiencing the sheer joy of laughing at yourself. of making a mess as you try a new recipe. of learning to dance, and quickly realizing you have two left feet, all while making your date wish she’d worn steel toed boots.
its a dangerous way to lives ones life because we werent called to perfection, we were called to trust. and its in the simple obedience, it’s in the simple trust that our best, not the best, will be good enough. its in the trust that we can make a fool of ourself on the dance floor, or sing horribly off-key during karaoke, or cause food critics everywhere to cringe with our most recent creation, that we find life, and a life worth living.
we dont raise our children to believe that unless they’re the best, there is no use in trying. when we were growing up, our refrigerators were not covered in works from Picasso, Rembrandt, Degas or Monet. rather, they were covered with a childs expression of joy. finger paints, crayons, markers and probably the occasional spaghetti sauce stain.
to the trained art critic? junk.
to a parent? priceless.
if we held ourselves to such high expectations on the only relationship that truly matters, we would never approach Him. we would never find the grace and help that He promised, if we never step boldly into His presence. we would never know the intimacy in worship, or the real life saving of a real life Saviour. we would never know the creator of our Hearts, as the One who also holds them in His hands.
we would never understand how much He loved us, how much He loves us, if we never allow ourselves to come close.
and if we dont hold ourselves to such a level of perfection with God, why would we hold ourselves to that level of expectation with our friends and family? why would we avoid them if we cannot have our facade just so? why would we put up a front, when these are the very people who care for us? and we care for?
we dont want that. when we come down to the core of what we’re looking for in our relationships, we want to see the real in each other. we want to be us, and we want to see the real person on the other side of the table.
there is a beauty in the mess. there is grace in getting your toes stepped on. there is freedom, in living life the way we were created to live it.
messily.
at times, disastrously.
but all the time, fully.
future of forestry – this hour
This is the life
The life of huge and small
Forces blind or they guide you to shore
You’re alive and you pour your heart like you should
I know you’d step back and see if you could
Don’t whisper, don’t wait
Sing out this hour
Sing out this restless hour
Sing out, sing out, and let it go
Sing on this time
Sing on this lovely time
Sing on, sing on, and let it go
This is the life
Your soul is just what they seek
You feel the clash but you scarcely can see
Love is alive and is pouring down like a flood
I know you’d step back and see if you could
Don’t whisper, don’t wait
It’s your turn, it’s yours now
You are free, to capture your daylight
sometimes, its not the prayers we pray, but the prayers we hope to pray with all we are, that show us where our heart is, and where it is going.
hymn – brooke fraser
If to distant lands I scatter
If I sail to farthest seas
Would you find and firm and gather
‘Til I only dwell in Thee
If I flee from greenest pastures
Would you leave to look for me
Forfeit glory to come after
‘Til I only dwell in Thee
If my heart has one ambition
If my soul one goal to seek
This my solitary vision
‘Til I only dwell in Thee
sometimes the most important thing we can do in life, is the simplest. and sometimes the simplest things, are the hardest
future of forestry – close your eyes
Promise once it shut you out
You ask, “What was that all about now?”
You and I through rise and fall
We’ve seen the horizon through it all now
Close your eyes this time
‘Cause trust is all we have tonight
But trust will be forever
Safe your dreams will be
‘Cause trust will be the light tonight
So close your eyes this time
The house sits stale, it lets you roam
Inside it just don’t feel like home now
I promise hope will pull you out
For that’s what love is all about
Time will turn this place around
For the man you call Jesus was still a Son like you
Sons will spend their days searching hard for the things they are made of
Close your eyes this time
Trust will be the light tonight so close your eyes this time
Trust will be the light tonight so close your eyes
you promised that if we lay aside our life, and follow you, that we would find life. and that this life would be abundant.
you promised that the road wouldn’t be easy, but that you’d never leave us.
you promised that the stories we would write in our lives, would be stories of immense beauty, if only we’d give you the pen.
i struggle with that. with giving up, and letting you have control. i dont like trust. and its not that you’re not trustworthy, because you are. it’s that i’m afraid. afraid that if i let you in, let you see the dreams i hold so tightly to my heart, that they wont come true. and the risk of losing these dreams are almost not worth letting you in.
it’s living without the sun, too afraid to go outside. it’s standing in the eventide field, under the stars, yearning for the daylight and settling for the remnants of a day reflected in the moon. always settling for an imitation, a reflection of the thing that gives life. never throwing open the door, casting ones fears to the wind and running headlong into the beautiful daylight.
you said, that if we delight in you. if we find our pleasure in you, in who you are. in your beauty, your holiness, your plans and dreams, your precepts… if we find our life in you, then you would give us the desires of our heart.
i want you.
the life that you offer. for me. for those i love and care about. i want to be a man who emulates you. i want to be the moon, standing over someone else’s night, reflecting your light, life and love into their fields of darkness. i want to live like you lived. to love like you love.
because you loved first.
one sonic society – the greatness of our God
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 