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“the hardest thing in this world… is to live in it. be brave. live. for Me

my quote for 2003.

the hardest thing in this world is to live…
simply live.

and that -is my goal.

for this year…

to truly live.

youre right. we dont know how to fight it. we dont know when it’ll come. we cant run. cant hide. cant pretend its not the end, because it is. somethings always been there to try and destroy the world. we’ve beaten them back. but were not dealing with them anymore. we’re dealing with the reason they exist. evil, the strongest. the First.

im beyond tired. im beyond scared. im standing on the mouth of hell and its gonna to swallow me whole.

and it’ll choke on me.

we’re not ready?
they’re not ready.
they think were gonna wait for the end to come, ilke we always do.
im done waiting.

they want an apocalypse?
oh, we’ll give em one.
anyone else who wants to run
do it now.

cuz we just became an army.
we just declared war.

from now on, we wont just face our worst fears, we will seek them out.
we will find them and cut out there hearts one by one.
until the First shows itself for what it really is.
and ill kill it myself.

there is only one thing on this earth more powerful than evil
and thats us.
any questions?

Lord, may you find me a willing warrior. steadfastly focused and one-in-heart with You.

all i keep hearing… over and over again – is “final”. or any spin on that idea…
the end


i dont know why.

i dont know why i feel like ive lived the past few weeks on a very superficial level. shallow. what am i avoiding? maybe i am avoiding something. maybe its nothing tangible. maybe its that the ‘holiday season’ was marked as having officially begun yesterday. maybe its that im afraid that if i dig to any depth, that im going to uncover more. that more will come to light and another part of my soul will be lost.

maybe its that ive lost myself trying to find something to hide behind.

and maybe its just that nothing major has happened. and that ive forgotten what its like to live… and not have to fight for every breath. its scary. because, as much as i want to cling to the hope that this is finally coming to a close… its not. i cant cling to that hope…

my very being aches for the dream of closure… of the “end”. of the grand finale. but its not here yet…

“the hardest thing in this world… is to live in it. be brave. live. for Me.”

thats it… thats me… for tonite. if i could wrap this year into a nutshell, it would be contained in the wholeness of that quote.

im so trying, to live… and not for myself…. but for the one who brought me this far.

and all i want, is to drop to my knees and cry…

i know what it is they see in me
they see You…

i have very little for tonite. just a simple quote from a fictional world.

just a small life in the midst of this amazing galaxy.

just one searching heart – longing… to know the truth.

afraid of making mistakes… and of letting things go.

but knowing he cant continue holding on as hard as he is.

“It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we’d know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank… Without passion, we’d be truly dead.” “There’s moments in your life that make you, that set the course of who you’re gonna be. Sometimes they’re little, subtle moments. Sometimes… they’re not.”

“Bottom line is, even if you see ’em coming, you’re not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So what are we, helpless?



The big moments are gonna come. You can’t help that. It’s what you do afterwards that counts. That’s when you find out who you are. You’ll see what I mean.”


my quote to end the nite

a very long day.

and ya know what? i think im gonna let things rest here tonite. for now – i need to take off my running shoes and realize the race will be there tomorrow. even if all i see is the next few moments of blacktop – the race will still be there tomorrow.

so for this nite… and this moment…
and to those of you who have posted to my blog recently – ys and me – thank you. and goodnite

our lives will forever be defined by the choices we make. a life lived without choosing – a life without risk… is a life unlived.

i find myself tonite with my thoughts going in about 10,000 different directions. im very tired yet brutally awake…

emotions are – high – for some reason…

i guess in this life we will always have people whom we connect with…
people who we alike ourselves too….
heros, our role models, those we hope to be like… those who seemingly triumphed in horrid situations…
those who fight not only the demons of this life, but also the demons in their own heart…

those who will walk the road laid before them… do the tasks required… and allow themselves to be broken.
those who know they are called. know their utter inadequate of the calling on their life…

and they’re yet willing – to fail..

to be made a fool of…
to lose friends and loved ones…

those willing to be who they are called to be… those…

those destined to fulfill their calling.

they are the chosen ones.

ones who lay aside all else to press on for the mark of the Higher calling…

this is who i want to be. this is my passion… this is what my heart beats for…. i know now more than ever that very little in this life is permanent… and yet, for this life – its all we have. this is me

so – i am going to continue to fight my demons and the demons of this world… and keep walking.

im not sure what im saying in all this… except…

You changed my world
when You came to me
You drove a passion
in my soul down deep

Lord, to follow You in everything

I dont want to go somewhere
if i know that You’re not there
cuz i know that me without You
is a lie

And i dont wanna walk that road
be a million miles from home
cuz my heart needs to be where You are
so i dont wanna go

im not sure exactly what it is inside of myself im so afraid of.
falling in love? pain? letting down those who i do love?…..

Christ gave all He had for those He loved. there was not one thing He held back.
He lost it all. for the sake of the ones whom He loved with all His heart. and they didnt even understand it….
they couldnt figure out why He had to go.

there are some things in this life i will never understand.

the hardest part about this life…. is living.

i didnt realize how much i miss human contact… i miss my dad. i miss my mom. i miss her hugs.

the winter here’s cold, and bitter
it’s chilled us to the bone
we haven’t seen the sun for weeks
to long too far from home
I feel just like I’m sinking
and I claw for solid ground
I’m pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go

as i listen to these lyrics… the tears are falling freely…

i guess what i miss most of all… is seeing my mom and dad… together.

i never knew there was stuff inside of me that could hurt this much….

pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you’re in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

the winter heres cold and bitter,
its chilled us to the bone.
we havent seen the sun for weeks…
too long, too far from home.
i feel just like im sinking
and i claw for solid ground…
i pulled down by the undertow…
i never thought i could feel so low,
and oh, darkness, i feel like letting go.

thats it. nothing more.

it is strange. very very strange. the human heart that is. and the things it attaches itself to.i just finnished a conversation with a good friend of mine. we were discussing my interesting and rather odd connection to a tv show character. ive only seen the show a few times. and heck, id probably hear no end to the mocking of this. but who gives a crap. ive got no time to pay attention to mindless mocking. anyway…

the tv character? buffy – from buffy the vampire slayer.

odd… i know. and i dont understand why my heart breaks everytime i watch the show. i dont. but it does.

buffy… she is chosen to live in a world where she can be close to no one. where she looks and acts like a normal person, but because of forces beyond her control – shes forced to live as one destined to be different. one who… one who knows she has a tremendous destiny yet… she is one who walks it…. alone.

she doesnt understand why she is the way she is. she doesnt understand why she cares so much… or why it hurts so much. she doesnt understand why the one person she ever truly loved in her life was ripped from her grasp. she doesnt understand why she has to walk this road. and she doesnt understand why she has to face the demons she has to. she doesnt know…. and it tears her apart.

her destiny is unlike anyone else she knows. and she understands that much. she lives constantly knowing that at any moment her life could change instantly. knowing that those closest to her could be ripped away. she knows this because it is her reality. its the “cross” she has to bear. its the life shes been chosen to live.

strange huh? i gleaned this much off of a tv character ? maybe its not strange. maybe its because… in this world of instant everything. of the desire to be beautiful and ‘fit in’. of the overwhelming push from the media to be ‘popular’…. maybe in this world – buffy stands for those who know they will never “fit in”. she stands for those who live in such a way that – what you see is what you get. she has no more preconceived notions of who she is… or of whom she is supposed to be. or of her role in this life. she knows she will never be normal. any dreams she may have had have long since died. she knows she cant put anything before the road she has to walk. she has no strength to do anything but keep going. and in her heart of hearts – all she wants… all that keeps her awake at nite…. the only reason she keeps going… is that one perfect person… who she hopes… and prays… that she finds one day. in her heart of hearts… she longs to be loved and accepted solely for who she is.

maybe its so close to who i am its scary.

i dont know why im here. i dont know why ive been chosen to carry this specific cross. and ive no more dreams. ive the strength to put one more foot down. thats all. after that, hopefully another foot. but this is it. this is me. what you see – what you read – is what you get. ive no preconceived notions of who i am. no grandoise ideas of my role in this life. i have a destiny and its unlike any other. this is the road im destined to walk. this is the life i think im living. this is my gift… and my curse.

this – is me.


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