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i was challenged earlier today. challenged to find my _____ (whatever your need is) in the words of the Author of this story first. before i turn to friends, family, church leadership, or close associates. i was challenged today to find my solace, my comfort, who i am in the great I am. to turn to His words first, and trust Him, before anything else.
the funny thing is that i know so many of these words already. i know them by heart and can either recite them word for word, or give you a good idea of what’s being said. the funny thing is that i’ve said these words, prayed these words, believed and spoken these words over those i am close to. for friends, family and people i am passionate about.
i know these words as undeniable truth for my friends, for my family. words that say that by His stripes, you are healed and that this Author is the father to the fatherless. words that promise what our heart yearns for.
i know these words. and because of the love i have for my friends and family, believing these words for them is easy. i know the Authors heart because it is evident in the stories He wrote and in the stories He is writing. i know His heart breaks when the heart of someone i care about breaks. i know He feels it when his daughter, my friend, goes through a rough break-up. i know He aches when one of his children is shunned. i know how much He cares for them. i may not fully understand or grasp how much He cares, but i dont doubt it.
but i doubt those words when it comes to me. i doubt His love. His dreams. i doubt that He actually has a plan for me.
there are times when having the father i had growing up doesnt bother me. and there are times when it seems to be an insurmountable mountain in my way.
part of me knows deep inside, that there are things a boy is supposed to learn from his father. things that only a father can teach. the way in which a father is supposed to help boy discover who he is as a man. guide him through the difficult transition and into a better understanding of manhood. fathers were meant to initiate boys into men. they were supposed to show the boy that he has what it takes.
do i have what it takes?
maybe you’ve never asked yourself that question. maybe you’ve never had it haunt your thoughts and dreams. or maybe you’re like me and you understand this question intimately. maybe youre too familiar with asking yourself that as often as i do.
that, is my greatest fear. i dont know if i have what it takes. do i have what it takes to be a man? to call the girl? do i have what it takes to woo her and pursue her and show her how much she is truly worth? do i have what it takes to be the man i’m supposed to be?
that, is my greatest fear. not failing, my greatest fear isnt failing. but not having what it takes…. of not being a man.
if the challenge i was given this morning meant anything to me, if im to gain anything by the words that were so powerfully delivered, if i am to apply it to my life right now, then i need to find my ____ in the Author of this story. in His words, and in His truth. i need to find who i am, in His story and not the one i try to write.
i need to find me, in Him. i need to find that i have what it takes in the Father to the Fatherless.
i’m not usually one for writing an end of year wrap up or typing out a list of resolutions for the year about to dawn. but this is different. this year has been different. and as the chapter of life labeled 2010 readies itself to be written, tonight is just… different.
i dont know if i could put my finger on one reason, on one specific moment this year that is causing this. maybe its the fact that this new year means more than just another year. the world simultaneously enters a new year and a new decade, and on saturday i turn 30.
maybe its those things, but i dont think so.
i think this is based on the fact that im not who i was in 2008, and tomorrow, i wont be who i was in 2009.
2009. a year of change, shock, challenge, pain. new hello’s, and what will probably be last goodbyes. victories and failures. grace and mercy. beauty and life. and so much of all of those came in one week this december.
part of me hurts to see this chapter of my life close. part of me is looking back at my 20’s wondering what happened. wondering how on earth i ended up where i am right now.
but part of me is reminded of something else. part of me is remembering two very dear friends of mine who after each living their own stories of heartbreak and single parenthood, found each other. and how earlier this year, a beautiful blended family was created.
love. overcame. all.
and that gives me hope.
why? because it shows, proves to me that love is out there. that life exists on the other side of 29. that even in the darkest moments and loneliest nights, God isnt done. that He can be trusted, even when we dont understand. and it reminds me that there are people out there worth fighting for. that endless beauty exists. and that when you find someone worth fighting for, you fight for them with all you have.
2010, the year of trying new things. of taking risks. of giving out chainsaws and never looking back. the year, the year that….
love. overcomes. all.
i came home tonight and i kept telling myself that i am where i’m supposed to be. that im there for a reason. that this responsibility i feel really is that, responsibility. and not just some over developed sense of something like guilt. that i’ll be back in new york when the time is right. or i’ll pour my heart out to that amazing woman when everything is finally where it should be.
maybe tonight i need to realize that this wasnt promised to me. that i wasnt ever promised a path that would give me the white picket fence and 2.4 kids. maybe i wasnt promised an easy road. maybe im realizing that what my heart beats so longingly for, is something worth giving up what i’ve gained.
donald miller, in his book called Searching for God Knows What talks about adam and eve. he speaks of the world God created, a world devoid of death, decay, crime, pollution, hatred and fear; a world where sin was absent. he speaks of God creating the animals, the plants, the sky, the firmament, the sun, moon and stars, all culminating in what we commonly see as the pinnacle of creation – man. and amongst this perfection, surrounded by every need being met in abundance, God said to adam that it wasnt good for him to be alone.
adam was perfect. surrounded by perfection. created by a perfect God. and yet God makes it perfectly clear that it was not good for Adam to be alone.
if you were to ask me, i’d probably embellish the story a bit. id want to say that adam was created with a yearning inside of him. a yearning for something that he had not yet seen. an emptiness inside that longed to be filled.
the facet of this that donald miller brings to light is something ive read dozens of times, and always missed. in one verse, God states very clearly to adam that it isnt good for him to be alone. i believe God confirmed to adam that he was created with this longing. and yet in the very next verse, God has every created thing present itself to adam. God gives adam the task of naming each creature that filled the earth.
what we dont realize, is the timing. if you believe in the idea of creation, then you need to realize that the task given to adam was no small matter. this wasnt something adam completed in a few minutes or even a few days. Adam was given the responsibility of naming somewhere between 10 and 50 million creatures. if you split the difference and say 30 million creatures, at an average of 1000 creatures a day, 6 days a week, adam may have easily spent the next 10 decades naming these creatures.
it’s almost as if God told adam “you shouldnt be alone” and then proceeded to show adam every single creature on earth, and why it wouldnt be his match. why it wouldnt fill the need inside of adam to love in a way that he’d never known.
i wonder if adam felt the same way i sometimes do, if – after God confirms for him something he’s felt since he was created and after he spends countless days naming each animal – he began to question. question if there was that someone out there for him.
i wonder what is written between the lines of those two verses. what adams nights were like.
i know i serve a perfect God with a perfect plan. i’m not arguing that. i’m just wondering what adam went through.
after 100 years, adam finally completes his task. and God creates eve. flesh of his flesh and bone of his bone. i wonder if it took adam any time at all to realize that eve was wholly different. different in every way from everything he’d seen in his century of work. if perfection could have become more perfect, it did in eve.
so where am i going with this?
it’s you. and thats what i’m finally realizing. this is for you.
im not saying im your adam, but i do know beyond any doubt that you are an eve. you’re worth what adam went through. you’re worth the endless days of work, the refinement inside of adam that must have gone on. you’re worth the century of waiting adam went through. you’re the prize that adam finally realized was waiting for him. you are worth fighting for. you are worth the innumerable days and nights of waiting on this perfect God and His perfect timing.
it’s not me. and that’s the other half of what i’m finally realizing. that this is really for you.
i cannot sit here and tell you that i want to be your adam while knowing i fly 1700 miles away in less than two days. so this isnt about me.
this is about you. and my prayers that you’re encouraged. that you realize that what you’ve always known existed inside of you is something of endless beauty. that i know it must not be easy to be single and almost thirty. i know that. but please, hang on. wait for that man who will be your adam. who’s willing to follow the perfect voice of a perfect God and His perfect timing. that man who needs an eve to be on the other side of the task he’s been given.
you are an eve. always and forever. it’s not something you can change, you were born that way.
so please, dont give up. dont settle.
your adam is out there. and he’s fighting for you. and he needs you to be there, when his task is done.
i know, i know – i’ve slacked in my quest with thirty days of thankfulness. to be honest, it’s not because i’m not thankful. it’s not. some of it is forgetfulness on my part, and some of it is sheer willpower, or the lack thereof. either way, i’m not quiting. and i’m contemplating extending this to fourty days.
we’ll see:-).
i will tell you that as we draw so close to the end of this journey (as today is day 29), i know there is still a work to be done in me. i know that i’m far from complete and that the roads i’ve been asked to walk as are as much for me to be changed as they are for me to impact change.
today, i am thankful for
mistakes. for making them. and realizing that i’m making them while i’m doing it. i’m thankful that i live under Grace. and that even in the midst of stupid, self centered decisions, there is mercy. there may not be excuses, and i need to own up to the decisions i make, but there is mercy. thank God for mercy.
answered prayers. be it a 6 month review that puts a lot of my concerns to rest, or surgery on a loved one that went much better than it could have, i am thankful for answered prayers.
challenges. i dont know if i’ve mentioned that before, but i am thankful for challenges. although, when you’re walking through them, it’s not always something you look at and express thankfulness about:-). i’m currently reading who moved my cheese and it’s opening my eyes to the proper way to handle change.
kate. if you’ve not had the pleasure to know kate, you’re missing out. i remember the first time i met her; she was goofy, fun, vibrant, beautiful and full of life. not to mention the smart glasses…. those were what won me over:-). in the years i’ve been blessed to know her, she has challenged, blessed, inspired, encouraged and been a light to my life in more ways than i could possibly mention. our stories are somewhat similar. and knowing that there is someone out there who has walked some of the roads i too must walk…. well, sometimes it just means everything. i am thankful for her, and to her. and i am thrilled for her and her super lucky man:-).
worries. i’m not exactly thankful for my worries as much as i am thankful for the chances to learn, and relearn to trust in the One who has called me by His name. who has called me, called us all to not worry about our life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?
“Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.
family. because they simply rock.
second chances. i think that speaks for itself.
today i am thankful for answered prayers.
for big issues not being so big. for mercy and grace, and for people who let you fail. not because they want you to fail, but because they want you to try….
for friends new puppas (hello tanka!)
and for knowing that next steps will be needed.
most of all, today i am thankful just to be alive.
I cannot believe i’ve let this slip by for a whole week! I’ve not given up and i wont quit it though.
in no particular order, i am thankful for:
days off
i took thursday and friday off for some much needed refreshment. it was wonderful. i litterally did nothing on thursday. ive not done nothing, in so long. friday consisted of a trip to the zoo, a parking space that was majically appeared after we prayed for one, and lots of good times.
laptops
mobile computing. it’s great:-)
music
especially the newest stavesacre, God bless stavesacre
challenges
amazingly enough, i put this on here.
conversations with friends youve not spoken with in a year
talks with friends that remind you of who you are, of why you’re doing what you’re doing. that show you that it’s ok if your life looks more like the scragly, scrawny tree stubbornly clinging to the side of a cliff. refusing to let go and give up. talks with friends that remind you that its not always how pretty you flower, but how deep your roots go.
and that sometimes, the most beautiful thing in the world is to find a kindred spirit. a heart that is bruised and bloodied, that has been through battles, that has seen victory and defeat…. but refuses to let go and give up. reminders that it’s in finding those people that one sees how much beauty truly exists in life, in those around you, and in ones own self.
reminders of the promises made for me.
I know, i’ve said this one before, but it still fits. and i need to be reminded of it, every day.
i was going to sit down and type up a cheerful blog about how thankful i am for my friends. it was going to be short, sugary and for the most part, shallow. i’ve decided against that.
dont get me wrong, i am incredibly thankful for my friends. be they near, or far away… i am thankful for those who have allowed me to walk beside them on their journeys. and im am thankful for those who stuck by me on mine.
im blessed to know friends from all parts of the country and our world. new york, pennsylvania, idaho, tennessee, texas, phillipines, canada, china (at times:0)), etc. but if i was honest with you tonight, id say that the biggest challenge ive faced since landing in texas was making friends here. sure, i’ve always got invites from coworkers to hang out, get drinks, etc… but the friendships i desire dont revolve around baseball games and a beer. they revolve around life.
they grow from the siren song that burns in our hearts for a deeper relationship with the one they call the promise maker. the friendships i want stem from a heartfelt desire to find our place in life, and to dig our roots deeply into the soil we’re planted in.
so while i am tremendously thankful for knowing each and every friend i’ve met, i know there is still more to come. i know there are bridges to build, people to meet, smiles to share, and roads to walk. i am hungry to walk this road with someone i call a friend.
i’ve never been one to enjoy gray areas. i much prefer to take my time and gather as much information as possible before making decisions.
and risk taking? not a huge fan of either.
but im learning that it’s only when one takes risks, it’s only when ones armor becomes dented and broken, that we are given the chance to truly experience life. sometimes we take risks and the rewards are great. other times, we take risks and the results leave us to ponder how something so simple could go so incredibly wrong.
in both times, and in every time in between, He promises to be with us.
blessing the good, redeeming the bad.
never. leaving. us.
and for tonight, that is what i am thankful for. that even though i dont always see Him, even though sometimes His hands are hid, i’m thankful that He promised to never leave.
today, i am thankful for dreams.
and for gentle reminders that the dreams placed in my heart, arent lost.
is there a reason we’re not honest when someone asks how we’re doing? is there something inside of us that keeps us from simply being real, and telling that person exactly what is going on?
we live our lives so connected, so intertwined with others, and yet so insulated and separate from any sort of real relationship. we twitter, blog, facebook, myspace, text and bluetooth each other more so now than any time in history. yet, when we’re faced with someone who asks that question, we freeze… and more often than not, we ofter a pat answer. dishonest, insincere….
now i realize that if you’re walking by that coworker you met two days ago and they ask how you’re doing, it’s probably not the best time to tell them about having to rub aunt edna’s corns or that your dog had an accident that weekend. i realize that there are times when a smile and an “im good, thank you. how are you?” is just what is needed.
but i also know that we dont share. we dont honestly tell people what is going on in life.
maybe it’s because when we ask someone how they are doing, we honestly dont want to know. we dont want to know about their struggles, challenges, fears, failures, battles and tears. we dont want to know what’s going on beneath the surface.
we as a people have determined that life is better lived in the shallow end of the pool. we prefer the scene, to see and be seen. we prefer the temporal pleasantries of discussing the weather and our dogs, than more eternal subjects like pain, struggle, heartbreak and passion.
what would happen if someone made that choice, that choice to say farewell to the shoreline. to push off the beach, find the deep waters and dive? what would that person look like? how would they live their life if they determined that how people saw them, didnt matter? that playing in the shallow end wasnt enough?
the bible speaks of rivers of water flowing inside of us. inside us. rivers. not streams, creeks, brooks or tributaries.
rivers. inside of us.
thats what i want to see. when i meet someone, i want to be the type of person who isnt scared of looking into the deep places inside of who they are. i want to be someone who can see the heartache, the pain, the uglieness that exists inside of us all, and still love that person.
there is so much more to life that we chose to miss out on, when we chose to only see the shallow end.
i realize, that sometimes, we just need to hide. we simply need someone, someplace to go where we are safe. i realize that not every person out there will be open and honest about who they are, their challenges and fears. there will be many times where i wont be honest. where i’ll tell someone who is honestly asking how i am, that i’m fine…. i’ll offer a smile and pleasantries and ask how they are.
i may not be the type of person who can push off the shoreline and never look back. but im going to go deeper. someone once said you wont leave where you are, until you decide where you want to be. i may not know where i want to end up, but i know there is an amazing world i want to see. and i’ve got a second chance to do so.
for second chances, and for the rivers that exist in each one of us, i am thankful.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 