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sometimes all you need is a reminder from a friend.
thank you kate.
i should have said that earlier. i should have said that when i first heard your voicemail. im sorry i didnt. i guess, in some selfish way, by not acknowledging how much the voicemail meant to me, i could pretened that i didnt need it. that certain parts of life werent as rough.
i could pretened that i didnt really really want to hug you right then.
you’re a true friend. and im realizing the the people like you, like jenna and april dont come along very often. thank you kate. again and again and again. for being there. for letting me vent. for caring. you’re a beautiful woman with a breathtaking heart.
and you are loved.
i saw your name just now. can we say ‘caught offguard’? and wow… ive absolutely no idea how to react.
what did i do?
what did i say?
you’re just, you left. youre gone.
part of me is desperate to find out what on earth i did. part of me wonders if it wasnt something i dont know about, but, just a cumulation of me not being the person i should have been.
but another part of me is quietly whispering to me… its telling me that you’ve repeatedly said i didnt do anything. that i hadnt screwed up. that i know nothing and that therefore its pointless for me to try to apologize.
everyone makes mistakes. and im sorry for those i made.
but im not going to apologize to you anymore. i want to not worry about what happened. i want to not freak out every time i see your name. life goes on. and ive got to go with it.
but i dont want too. i want to sit here. i want to tell you im scared. im worried. im hurt and im lost and im wondering…
im wondering why.
august evenings
bring subtle warnings to remember
to kiss the ones you love goodnight
bring subtle warnings to remember
to kiss the ones you love goodnight
you never know what temporal days may bring
laugh and love, live free and sing
when life is discord-
praise ye the Lord
i miss you.
i know ive done everything possible in previous postings to not broach this subject. ive written so many things about dealing with life, about living, about having the rug ripped out from under you… ive intentionally written about everything else there is to write about. but at the end of the day, if im honest with myself; i do, i miss you.
im sorry i dont know how else to express to you what im feeling. “i miss you” hardly covers it. and i know that for the most part, if ive said anything on the blog, its only had to do with moving on. that is part of the truth. that is part of what im feeling, definitetly. but its not all of it. it is absolutely not a lie. but its not the whole truth.
the whole truth would include care, questions, wonderings and im sure some whys would be thrown in there. the whole truth would show you how much watching this expanse grow, hurts. it would express how; well, you said it yourself. maybe not in so many words, but your basic thought was how important our feelings were. for, if nothing else, they validated how much someone meant to us.
my point? im not sure totally. but you need to know, and i need to say, you’re still valuable. and saying goodbye hurts. and maybe in this case, those two things go hand in hand.
i dont know what the future has now. you and i were inseparable. and now, well. its not that way anymore. i dont what to do now. i honestly dont. i dont know if this is goodbye, or see you soon, or… i just dont know. i guess its whats next isnt it? its whats coming. and its where the roads are leading us. so bring it on.
i pray for you, for the roads we walk from here on out…. i pray that we may always discover. i am thankful for the God of all things new.
may God be with us. and may life be breathtaking.
hahahahahahaha
nk8 was right.last nite, i was unable to find the words i wanted. tonite may be no different. but at least for tonite, i have something. and nk8 helped to put words to the picture in my mind.
it is a hole.
a big, giant, gaping hole in the center of my life. my thoughts. my heart.
me.
a hole in the center of who i am.
and im beginning to realize that – just like nk8 said – it may never leave.
im slowly just beginning to learn to adapt. to walk around it.
so i sit at the end of the day. in a way, the end of a very long weekend.
i know i mentioned the major things that happened… wisdom teeth, dad coming, dad being here, dad leaving.
anyway, its interesting how much a few weeks can change ones life.
today… if my memory serves me correctly is my parents anniversary. or… would that be “was” my parents anniversary.
im not sure if ive got the dates right… but yeah. its this month anyway.
on another note, there is one person specifically that i need to thank.
my bestest friend was with me through all of this weekend. she drove me to the oral surgeons… drove to wegmans… dealt with my pain filled grunts and the frustrations of the novacaine wearing off way to early..
she reminded me to take my meds, and made sure i had enough ice packs, gauze, chicken soup, pudding and ice cream. more than was i could have asked for actually.
and ya know what? that only scratches the surface..
she’s been the reason – and in a lot of situations over the past 2 years – the only reason i made it through a lot of things.
i dont thank her enough for the friend she has been.
for the reflection of Christ she has shown.
for the love she has poured out.
or for the selflessness she has expressed in putting her own wants and desires aside to follow the will of her Father.
i know, without any shadow of doubt, that a good part of who i am today – is because of what she has been in my life.
skipper…. for whenever you read this – may it bring joy to your heart knowing your life has forever impacted mine.
may you rest under the incredible peace of His grace.
and may you soar on the wings of His love for you.
i love you.
i think, for the nite tonite… i will just leave with a quote i read today.
it seems to fit.
in all honesty it could just be one of those points in a friendship where u just have to let someone hurt u and trust that your friendship will (or already has) allowed u the safety of doing the same
Proverbs 27:5-6
Better is open rebuke than hidden love.
A wounds of a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
I hope ive been the type of person that allowed my friends the right to wound me… Im only making this connection as i write – but without trust, our friends can not honestly look into our lives and say and do the thigns that will ultimately do us good.
without trust, our friends can not wound us.
for the longest time, i lived in a world where i trusted almost no one.
and consequently, ive made decisions over the past 2 years that im not proud of. decisions that impacted me as a person. and quite possibly, my future. ive made decisions i will forever have to live with.
there was no one speaking into my life, no one with the authority, the place the trust, to wound me when i needed to be wounded.
and although i can point the finger at many people i feel dropped the ball, ultimately, it is solely my fault.
so now i stand before you…. not sure if ive wounded friends i care about deeply. certain however, that if i have – that the wounds were not out of love, but out of a betrayl of the trust they placed in me.
and not just a trust between 2 friends… but a sacred, holy trust that was established long before my walk in this earth.
when trust is betrayed, the next step may not be love… it may, in all honesty, be rebuke.
once that line is crossed, once that trust is betrayed…. the wounds are no longer trustworthy. they are destructive.
hillary – thank youcourtney – im prayin for you
hey everyone. i just added a link for Courtney… check it out here. hehe, according to her, i have my own saga now! woohoo! stop by and say hi!
oh yeah, btw Court, im a guy:-) not a “sister”. but thanks for the comment still 🙂
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 