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today, i realize i need to communicate my thankfulness for at least two things. i missed posting yesterday and need to make up for it.
the next few weeks/months are probably going to be very busy. and stressful. and maybe you’re like me, you already feel maxed and dont know exactly how you’re going to make it through.
and maybe, if you’re like me, that was one of the first things on your mind this morning.
and maybe, if you’re like me, the sight of a rainbow in the sky on your way to work spoke of more than just the principle of the prism. maybe it spoke of a promise made long ago. and a promise kept. maybe it spoke of the promise maker, the same promise maker who promised to never leave us or forsake us. the same promise maker who promised to walk through the fire and flood with us.
the same promise maker who said that we are more than conquerors.
i hope it reminded you of the same thing it reminded me of.
because today, i am thankful for rainbows…. and promises.
today
i am thankful
for grace.
today wasnt by any means a ‘rough’ day. i’ve faced and lived through much worse. and maybe the day would have gone the exact same way had i not ever noticed His hand, His timing that allowed me to change the tire, drop the car (and sister) off at the tire repair shop, and get home only 10 minutes before the AC repair guys showed up. maybe id still be sitting here tonight chalking everything up to coincidence….
but it wasnt coincidence. it wasnt providence or fate or chance….
it was His hand, guiding today. guiding our steps, and blessing us through the midst of changing tires in 90 degree heat.
so for today, for day two, i am thankful for His guidance, for His hands so evident in our lives.
and my prayer, would be to trust Him more, when His hands are not as evident.
Every year as the weather cools and the leaves turn color, i promise myself that this will be the year. This will be the year i start and complete something i’ve wanted to do for some time. That being, 30 days of posts about one thing and only one thing: thankfulness. or more directly, the things i am thankful for.
Thanksgiving is months away and the only color the leaves are turning in Texas is brown. but im going to start my 30 days today. i honestly am not sure why. but here goes:-)
day 1
i am thankful for how much He loves us.
i know i don’t recognize it as much as i should. and i know that if i did, my life would be eternally changed. maybe in some small way, starting out with Christ as my focus will guide the next thirty days into something eye openning. because honestly, thats what i want. i want to be so utterly blown away by a revelation of the greatness and love of Christ that my life is forever changed.
im learning that the boulevards we walk are often paved by the pieces of the dreams we’re forced to leave behind.
im learning that the paths we’re asked to take arent always the ones we would have chosen. and so often, far from those that we expected to be on.
im learning that this thing called grace covers everything. and that it is for the now.
I am the worst of all things here,
my crooked, black, and lying heart still spits its bitter fear.
And each and every sparrow,
You see them flutter to the ground before they die,
So please God don’t forget me.
who am i to withhold grace from someone? what is it inside of me that allows me to determine someone elses worth? who gave me the gavel and declared me judge of the world?
if its true, if what this amazing book says is true, then im not the judge. and beyond that, im not worthy of the role. because the moment i pointed out someone elses faults, my own would stand up to accuse me.
who am i? what am i? im no one. and im in need of grace. daily.
why is the simplest thing about life, the hardest to learn? why is it that i believe i can deserve grace and mercy, yet others are somehow unworthy of the grace that i need?
i know, its been forever since ive posted. and i could talk about how busy work has kept me. or how crazy other parts of life are. i could go into stories and details, but honestly, i’d just be skirting the truth.
that in some ways, ive been running. trying to pretend that everything is ok. when in reality, parts of who i am know that not everything is ok. and maybe thats what this is all about. coming to the realization (again) that i need grace. that i’m human, an utterly capable of failure.
that honestly, i’m still scared. that there are days i feel trapped, and that there are days i feel utterly alive. that at 29, i dont know how to get get from where i am, to where i want to be.
that sometimes responsibility and dreams seem to be directly opposed to each other. and that staying true to one, while keeping the others alive… isnt easy.
when 2009 comes to an end, what will i have stood for? what will have changed inside of me because of the choices i’ve made, and the choices im making? what will have changed in my sphere of influence? will i stand for what i know to be right? even when it means standing up and saying i was wrong?
will i take the road less travelled by and forge my own path? will i hold tightly to the dreams He has given me? or will they simply slip away into the nothingness of mediocrity?
….
honestly, i dont know the answers to those questions. i could tell you what i want them to be. i could tell you what i would want to say on december 31, 2009. but it’s my actions now, my deeds and choices today and tomorrow, that will ultimately write the answers to those questions.
it’s up to me. the choice is mine.
i wasnt ever promised to have the path laid out for me. i was simply told that i wouldnt walk it alone.
so be it.
The 56 signers of the Declaration of Independence proved by their every deed that they made no idle boast when they composed the most magnificent curtain line in history. “And for the support of this Declaration with a firm reliance on the protection of divine providence, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor.”
Paul Harvey
Paul Harvey – We Mutually Pledge
(listen – please)
i spent a portion of today at central market. we needed fruit, and everyone knows central market carries the best.
to be honest, i’d forgotten it was Fathers day until halfway through picking plums. and it was then that i saw her. she wasnt what the world would call gorgeous. she didnt have the body of a model or the face of a cover-girl…. but she was beautiful. you could tell there was something behind her eyes. something she was desperately trying to hide, and yet at the same time, spilled over into who she was.
i fought with myself for some time. wondering if i should say anything. all i wanted to to was let her know that i thought, that someone thought she was beautiful. dont get me wrong, i didnt want her name, or number… and before you ask, i checked – there was no ring.
then something completely unexpected happened. he walked up to her. with their kid.
no ring.
no rings.
and a kid.
my thoughts changed. my attitude changed. what i wanted to say changed.
she had someone in her life who should have been telling her she was beautiful, that she was worth fighting for, that she was amazing and wonderful and that every day that he got to spend with her was breathtaking. she had that someone already there…. and there wasnt a ring.
i wanted to walk up to him and tell him to man-up. to quit having the best of both worlds and show her you loved her by giving her your life.
that kid needs to know you love her. and that you’ll fight for her and that she’s amazing and wonderful and that you were thankful for every day you woke up next to her. that kid needs to know his father is a man. a real man. unafraid of marriage, of love, of giving his all.
she needs to know that you’re a man, a real man. that you’re unafraid of marriage, of commitment, of love, of giving her you’re all. she’s most obviously given you everything….
she had so obviously given her life to him…. all i wanted to do was to tell him to give his life to her.
—–
i hope i never become that person. i hope i never allow myself to slip into the ether of the in-between. i hope and pray that if i ever find that special someone, that she knows beyond any shadow of a doubt that i love her. that i’m terrified of commitment but that my fear wont stop me. i hope she’s certain that she is worthy of my fight, of all i can give… that she is wonderful and beautiful and that being around her takes my breath away.
i hope that if i’m ever given the chance to be a father, to find out what it means to truly love someone with all i have, that on fathers day someone will see me in central market, and they will see our rings.
there are times when you simply find yourself at the end of who you are. and if you’re honest with yourself, the questions you ask arent exactly soup questions. the answers are never easy to find. and if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll dig into those questions.
i think thats where i find myself. so full of questions. clueless. and wondering if the One i chose to follow really has all the answers.
dont get me wrong, im not questioning my faith. im questioning me.
do i have what it takes? can i face this head-on and come out victorious? will i stand up for myself? and the one question that no one can answer but me…. am i a man? have i grown into the man i want to be? if my father were a man worth emulating, would i make him proud? or would he be ashamed of who i am?
in this crazy world we live in, we seem to gravitate toward things that make us feel safe. and when we find those things, we cling to them. even beyond their usefulness, we still chose to cling to them. ever fearing that if we let go and cast off from the thing that offers security, we will drown.
we choose to never see what’s beyond the horizon, or just over that hill… or even meet the people next door, simply because of what we cling to.
maybe its an attitude. or a belief. or, maybe it’s the walls you constructed around your heart. maybe its the ingrained belief that people, all people, will eventually abandon you.
maybe you’ve got very good reasons for the walls you’ve built. you’ve got reasons, and the scars to prove them. maybe you’ve resigned yourself to keeping people at arms length because you feel that if anyone ever got close enough to see how damaged you really were…. you’d fall apart.
and maybe, thats exactly what you want. you want someone to peek in, see the damage and… still. love. you.
you want to fall apart. and let someone else pickup the pieces. simply because you dont know how much longer you can go on, simply holding things together. maybe you go to bed wondering how you carry on. maybe you’ve felt that helpless. and felt that alone. if that’s you, i hope you realize you’re not alone.
because i’m there too.
and i’ve got to believe that life doesnt end when you reach that point, but that it is just the beginning. so im holding on. and i hope you do too.
———————-
so where does this leave us?
just because you feel lost, doesnt mean you are. and just because you may feel utterly alone, doesnt mean you are.
this One i chose to follow holds the entirety of the oceans in His hands. and if His hands are that big, then i know He’s holding me. and He’s holding you, too.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 