You are currently browsing the category archive for the ‘God’ category.
life will never satisfy. not in and of itself.
im realizing that no pursuit, project, pay raise or job change, no promotion or position will ever truly meet the yearning one feels. meet the yearning i feel.
someone challenged me recently to get real. it wasnt so much a direct challenge, as it was the way she lives her life. the depth of honesty she was offering. it was beautiful. and terrifying. isnt that the way with true beauty though? it is terrifying.
we dont know what to do with true beauty when we come across it. we dont know how to respond. it’s so rare that for most people, we shy away when we actually catch a glimpse of it. it forces us to realize that there is so. much. more. and we’ve only seen the smallest part of the surface.
it shows us reckless love. and reckless love, is exactly what we all crave.
true beauty shows us that it exists. that once upon a time, 2000 years ago, One man died, to allow us to experience that beautiful, terrifying, reckless love.
—
im single, 28. and yes, i work hard in making myself an attractive guy. i work hard, i’m sucessful…. i work out, eat right, and all those things that a 28 year old is supposed to do to be attractive to the opposite sex.
and as hard as i try, to uphold my ideals of what a man is, of what i should be… all the facades and masks that i pretend make me who i am….
none of it matters. its a lie. the whitewash over the walls.
reckless love. ruins all those who come in contact with it. we realize how desperate we are. and how much we, i need that love.
the truth is, i needed that reckless love just as much as anyone else. im no different from the ex-con, the murder, or the rapist. and lovely or not, attractive or not, if it wasnt for that once upon a time, 2000 years ago…. i wouldnt be here.
you want reality? thats about as real as i can get. i’m a big nobody that a huge Somebody loved with a reckless love. and although ive run from him hundreds of times… although ive at times, spat in His face, He still loves me.
even though i don’t understand it, and more often then not, dont believe it. He does. He loves me. and that is who i am. a nobody. loved by a Somebody. and if thats all i’ve got. then that is enough.
and i will be satisfied.
sometimes we’re walking above the waves. and other times, we simply fight to keep our head above water.
either way, right now? this is me
its a scary moment when the veil is pulled back, and we’re allowed to gape at the sheer depravity that can live inside our own souls.
when we realize, even if only a fraction, of the blackness that can live inside a ‘good’ person, we realize how desperate of a people… no, wait. I learn how desperate i am.
how i am literally… i am nothing.
without Christ, i am nothing, and would be nothing.
and more so now than ever, i need Him. all of Him.
we will never know the depths of the Love of Christ until we allow ourselves to peer into the depths of the blackness inside of us. its terrifying. like the slightest bump would knock me over the edge, and i’d drown in the black. but its in seeing that, that we see how much we need Him. its not that i needed Him more now, today, than i did yesterday… i’m just more aware of it.
of how much i need grace. and of how, without Him – i am nothing
Lord, my words fail to speak of what im feeling. of how much i know i need You. and of how much im crying out for You. for Your grace, for Your touch, for You.
come.
come and change, own, lead, guide, heal, correct, be God in my life. again.
we so often overlook the things in life that are most important, the very reasons we walk this earth. if you…. no, if i would stop for just a moment, i’d see them. people crying out for help, for hope. or maybe just some dogfood.
now you may look at this picture and laugh, or find it stupid. it broke my heart. and spurned me into action.
i cannot do it all. but i can do something. and i will.
i was born to laugh
i learned to laugh through my tears
i was born to love
i’m gonna learn to love without fear
pour me a glass of wine
talk deep into the night
who knows
what we’ll find
intuition, deja vu
the Holy Ghost haunting you
whatever you’ve got
i dont mind
i was born to laugh
i learned to laugh through my tears
i was born to love
im gonna learn to love without fear
put your elbows on the table
i’ll listen long as i am able
there is nowhere
Id rather be
secret fears, the supernatural
thank God for this new laughter
thank God, the jokes on me
cos i was born to laugh
i learned to laugh through my tears
and i was born to love
im gonna learn to love without fear
we’ve seen the landfill rainbow
we’ve seen the junkyard love
baby its no place for you and me
i was born to laugh
i learned to laugh through my tears
and i was born to love
im gonna learn to love without fear
I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are.
so much changes, and sometimes it still seems like so much stays the same. the only way i can describe it, is that im realizing that ive been living in a black and white world. and only now are my eyes opening. and im finally seeing this amazing, beautiful thing called ‘color’.
im stuck between two extremes. on the one hand, what i know. home. safety. and on the other? life. abundant, beautiful, breathtaking life, love and color.
It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened?
i think im finally coming to some idea of what the future may hold. of where im going to be. of what the next part of my life will look like. for so long i’ve put everything on hold. part of it was for good reasons, others was simply out of my own fears.
But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.
so much changes, and yet so much stays the same. im not the same person i was just a few weeks ago. i know im not. things have changed. I have changed. and im not happy here anymore. i want room. space. a place to breath. this part of my story is starting to draw to a close. the next page is turning.
so often, we run from the things that we dont like. we strain and strive for the things that make us comfortable. and when were not comfortable, everyone knows. we fight for our rights, for whats ours. and somehow, in the cacophony of voices screaming for what they want, we lose sight of what is most important.
we lose sight of our reason for being here. of hope. of love. we lose sight of the things that are truly worth fighting for. we lose sight of those we love, of the injustices in the world, and the path we were given to tread.
life was never meant to be easy. because anything easily gotten has no value. life was meant to have battles. it was meant to have risk. we are supposed to know how valuable life is. and we’re supposed to live accordingly.
i’m not promising that i’ll never feel lost. because i will.
i just know this
i hear it. its in the pre-dawn song of the birds, in the roar of the wind and the flash of the lightning. its there. you hear it to.
life is calling.
and i’m answering the call.
Frodo: I can’t do this, Sam.
Sam: I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened?
But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.
Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why.
But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?
Sam: That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo… and it’s worth fighting for.
racing
on a fault line
bracing
for a landslide
conscious
of every move getting harder
has the race gone
underwater?
i keep stalling out
i just cant keep up
there is alarming doubt
am i good enough?
but you keep coming around
to convince me
its still far from over
from over
we are still far
we are still far
we are still far
from over
Mutemath
to demand grace, forgiveness, and mercy… and not extend it to those who need it as much as i do? who am i to hold others past failings and shortcomings against them? mine were not held against me.
mercy is completely unfair, and yet it eternally levels the playing field. we all need grace, we all need mercy. and its only when we realize how much we’ve been forgiven, how dark the black in our soul is, that we realize we’re just like everyone else.
mercy reminds us, of the love of a Father. for you – His child…. and for them. His children.
mercy allows us to be real. and even if its for the first time in… as long as i can remember, its a breath of fresh air. a promise of what is to come. of what Faith is based on…. and of what life was supposed to be all about.
mercy allows us to see ourselves, the way our Father does.
so much has changed in such a short period of time. i’m not the same person i was even a week ago. and i may not be there yet. i may have only caught the briefest glimpse of this thing called grace…. but im not stopping.
the idea of fatherhood mystifies me. i dont understand it. not in the way that, at 28, i’d want to.
it’s foreign. its weird. its something i never grew up with and am therefore lost on how to quantify it. ronald miller described it as owning a dragon, something he’d never had. something i dont think i had.
we were designed to walk this path with a father figure. with someone who had walked it before us. who could pass down their wisdom and the wisdom they received from their fathers, and the wisdom their fathers received from their fathers….
someone who knew the pitfalls and the potholes, where to see the beauty in the midst of the cracked concrete. where to find the music, the worship, in the midst of the asphalt and blacktop. someone who knows that in the pain of growing, there is life… and knows how to make that life shine.
we were never meant to walk this path alone. sometimes though, thats exactly how it feels.
a father is supposed to be there. to be the one we run to, when we skin our knee or have our heart broken. they’re supposed to offer guidance, wisdom and common sense.
a father is supposed to be there.
—
i feel broken. incomplete. like im missing some major key, some vital piece of this puzzle that is life. a piece that everyone else got. that im so far behind in the game, that even attempting to play would be a wasted endeavor.
if i was honest tonight, id say that i dont feel i fit. i dont have any close friends down here. none. and that, for the most part is my fault.
my life revolves around work. and i can pretend that im happy with that. i can hide the pain under the effort, the reports and pivot tables, the spreadsheets and conference calls. but its all ive got.
im alone, in the 5th largest metropolitan area in the us. and im looking for my own place. somehow, those to seem to be complete opposites.
—
somewhere inside of me, is a voice that whispers
surrender
it’s a voice that reminds me of a young man who was abandoned to the call. who worshiped like no one else was around. and who was close to the heartbeat of his Heavenly Father.
that seems so long ago. and so much has changed.
i grew up.
and part of me wants to pack my bags (so to speak) and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. turn my back on this Heavenly Father figure and just step out on my own.
because i blame Him. for this. for the pain. the hurt. for what my mom and sisters went through. and for what their going through now. i blame Him for my own fathers shortcomings.
how can i surrender to that? to that call? how can i say that it doesnt matter? it does. it matter. doesnt it?
and the funny thing is, i wouldnt be here if it wasnt for Him. if it wasnt for His grace, mercy and provision… i wouldnt be breathing.
i am who i am today, because He loves me. even when i cannot admit it to myself. its the truth.
its not very easy to start a post about this subject. much less a conversation with anyone. but its still something that beats at the very core of my being.
romance. or more accurately, love.
i watched the Truman show today, and i realized something. i realized that there is this quiet yearning in my being for what Truman had. someone to fight for.
there is this deep knowing that there is something, some… one worth fighting for. this knowing that a battle isnt a bad thing, in fact, its a very good thing. fighting for something only increases ones understanding of the value of what you’re fighting for.
i want someone to love. to fight for.
there is this knowing inside of me. thats more true than the lies i hear, and those i tell myself. that is deeper than the pain of history, and past experiences. there is this knowing that speaks volumes in the silence. this knowing that says that some things are worth the risk.
some… one. is worth loving with all i am.
is worth looking like a complete idiot for.
is worth the risk of the biggest rejection of ones life.
is worth the pain, the hurt and the fear that comes from looking at this person, and knowing that to love them they way they need to be loved, one needs to face their own demons.
yes, there is risk, and the possibility of falling flat on ones face. and i could be totally wrong. but sometimes, you’ve just got to do something
there are dances to be danced. memories to be made. a life, together, to be lived.
….
my fear? is that i’ll never be enough. that i’ll never be good enough, or strong enough, or stable enough… to offer that love to someone. that
‘i don’t care of the earth crumbles under my feet i. will. still. love. you.’
love.
the simplicity and complexity of the Christian is that we’re nothing without His unconditional love. we’re empty, broken, void of good. that without Him, and His love – we are nothing.
and its in those moments, watching the moon disappear behind the clouds. watching the sunset… or the stars on a brisk winter night. its in those moments when we feel our smallest, that we realize how much we need that unconditional love.
and how we yearn to give it away.
how we are designed to live this life with others. in close fellowship.
we’re a people of second chances. we’re a people of mistakes, brokenness, and failure. and yet through all that, Christ still sees something in us that He loves. unconditionally.
beyond the desire for romance, i want that gift. to see people as He does. with eyes of unconditional love. with eyes that see beyond the sin, the pain, the brokenness… and see the value of what He placed in them.
….
its how i want some… one, to see me.
and its how i want to see them.
dear Lord, make it so.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 