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only one thing.just quit trying… if you’re not fighting with your all… then doing it halfway is a waste of time…
my thoughts… for tonite – and yes… im preaching to myself.
thats my hearts cry. i want to be known in heaven as one who jumps in with both feet… and doesnt ever look back.
in all im called to do, i want to give my all…
Lord, that is my prayer…
it seems that if one looks back on his life and recalls times of victory… and seasons of failure… he can learn things.
i think thats where i find myself this afternoon.
i had a really good week at work. first in a while. and beyond that, a lot of the pressure i was putting on myself to preform has begun to dissapate. thank God….
its interesting to realize tho, that in our times of greatest victory, we are the most vulnerable to attack. it seems that – for me personally – if im not walking through the fire every moment, then during those easier moments, i am most failure prone.
fire forces us closer to the One we follow. when things arent as hot… i sometimes tend to enjoy my ability to run and be free… a lil too much.
i dunno… just what im learning today i guess.
that about sums up tonite.i was mentioned in nannykates blog… and i think im gonna post my comment to her blog from a few days ago…
simply because im preaching to myself….
“after walking through the fire and being burned beyond recognition, you may have less than you started with. much less. incredibly less than you began your journey with… but what you have now is real – and now that it’s stood the test of the flames, you know – it’s real.”
and the truth thing again, from the unlikely source of sherlock holmes
“….when you have eliminated all which is impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth…..”
so ive gotta ask myself… in all thats failed, in all thats been eliminated, what does remain? ill tell you what remains.
His love for me.
His plan for my life.
His mercry, new every morning.
His anointing and blessing upon my every moment on this planet…
and most importantly… what remains?
Him.
as unlikely, as improbable… He still is there…
im finding myself at a loss for words
and the funny thing is, its ok.
the last thing i need
is to be heard
but to hear – what You would say
….when He had finished, Much-Afraid lifted her face towrd the High Places which were now quite invisible and spoke quietly through the midst. “my Lord, behold me- here i am, in the place Thou didst send me to- doing the thing Thou didst tell me to do, for where Thou diest, will i die, and there will i be bured: the Lord do so to me, and more also, if aught but death part thee and me”
i want to hear you better
i want to follow you closer
and i want to want these things more
here i am to worship
here i am to bow down
here i am to say that Your my God
if doubt and fatiuth walk hand in hand, then i am definetly leaning towards the doubt side today….
we’re told… that our standing with God has nothing to do with our abilities… and everything to do with His unending love for us.
we’re told… that our lives are nothing without Him… and everything with Him.
we’re told… that if we give it our best and let Him handle the rest… that He will bring good out of it.
we’re told… that a worker is worth his wages….
we’re told so much – and all i can do is ask
where is it? where is the fulfilment of what we’ve been told?
i had a meeting with my boss today – as you probably can tell, it didnt go all that well.
i sit here wondering, questioning… what else can i do? what else can i give? how much harder can i try?
if this road we walk is indeed something unknown. and if each nite is a canvas. a -gift- so to speak. then tonite, i paint with my tears…
our lives will forever be defined by the choices we make. a life lived without choosing – a life without risk… is a life unlived.
i find myself tonite with my thoughts going in about 10,000 different directions. im very tired yet brutally awake…
emotions are – high – for some reason…
i guess in this life we will always have people whom we connect with…
people who we alike ourselves too….
heros, our role models, those we hope to be like… those who seemingly triumphed in horrid situations…
those who fight not only the demons of this life, but also the demons in their own heart…
those who will walk the road laid before them… do the tasks required… and allow themselves to be broken.
those who know they are called. know their utter inadequate of the calling on their life…
and they’re yet willing – to fail..
to be made a fool of…
to lose friends and loved ones…
those willing to be who they are called to be… those…
those destined to fulfill their calling.
they are the chosen ones.
ones who lay aside all else to press on for the mark of the Higher calling…
this is who i want to be. this is my passion… this is what my heart beats for…. i know now more than ever that very little in this life is permanent… and yet, for this life – its all we have. this is me
so – i am going to continue to fight my demons and the demons of this world… and keep walking.
im not sure what im saying in all this… except…
You changed my world
when You came to me
You drove a passion
in my soul down deep
Lord, to follow You in everything
I dont want to go somewhere
if i know that You’re not there
cuz i know that me without You
is a lie
And i dont wanna walk that road
be a million miles from home
cuz my heart needs to be where You are
so i dont wanna go
i love you… but i dont know if i trust you.
my quote to end the nite.
vauge i know.
you can ask for more… but i probably wont give it.
joshua was given hundreds of square miles as his inheiritance..
as Gods chosen people…
and one mistake…. one moment of doing a “good” thing – instead of the “God” thing…
led to a loss. a loss of what was rightfully his. as loss that his people have felt for generations.
may my actions now and forever be “God” actions… and not just “good” actions.
and for some reason – they’re always piping a radio station quietly into the lobby….
and this song was playing – most of the words… seemd poignant…
(note: lyrics slightly edited)
while i just heard
the news today
it seems my life
is gonna change
i close my eyes
begin to pray….
then all these tears
stream down my face….
all the times ive heard this song, and i never once read anything deeper into these lyrics….
im connecting with this song on a brand new level.
the songwriter was, amongst other things – terrified.
now, yes – these are the joyus cries of a soon-to-be new father.
but they’re also, the cries of a man who knows he is
utterly incompetent and unequipped
unprepared and underqualified
completely inadequate… for the task set before him.
and so he cries… cries out to his Maker… for help.
i had an entire blog all typed out, and one mistake on the keypad and bam… its all gone.
so here i am… left with a blank page…
a new page.. a page untouched by todays blemishes…
something clean..something pure…
like the day that has just begun…
anyway, my thoughts for nite…
if its true that this life we live is a road… then sooner or later, if you fight hard enough… and forge your own path… you will come to… you’ll come to your edge.
the place in your life where you just know you’ve gotta make a decision… and the decision will forever impact who you will be… as a person, in your life… and those who know you and call you friend.
thats me. thats now. thats my life. this – is my edge
a new day
the sun is shining
seems I’m closer to finding
that life is more than where we are
no way that I am TURNING
as long as the sun is burning
now it seems that all I want is you
so – for this moment in time… for this place in the road im called to walk… ive made a decision, and now – its time to “go public” so to speak. to make my ‘statement’.
my prayer.
my hearts cry…
its simple really….
Lord… i am utterly lost without You. ive never been more aware that i can not do this on my own. that i can not walk this road… under my own strenght. Father, its simple. i need You. i need You in all i am. come, take control. take my unbelief. take my fear. burn me with Your eyes and see into who i am really am. take everything away that isnt You. lord, i need You. come, Father – lead me and i will follow.
I try to make my way to you
but still I feel so lost
I don’t know what else I can do
cause I’ve seen it all
it was never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you
dont give up on me yet…. dont forget who i am… i know im not there yet, but dont let me stay here alone.
Lord, i am yours. ive done all i could, forgive my faults and lead me on. ill go where you lead and ill do what you want, just take me with you. i cant stand being away from who you are.
im gonna fight. im gonna continue on in this road im on and Lord, if im wrong, please show me. and even beyond that, help me to trust you for all things. all things……
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