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everything by lifehouse has been one of those songs that even 7 years after i first heard it, is still amazing.
well, check out this video. it’s a human-drama set to everything. i dont know who did it, but its worth watching. very worth watching.
there is hope.
a boy years to know that he is prized…
without this bedrock of affirmation, this core of assurance, a man will move unsteadily through the rest of his life, trying to prove his worth and earn belovedness through performance or achievement, through sex or in a thousand other ways. quite often he doesnt know this is his search. he simply finds himself uncertain in some core place inside, ruled by fears and the opinions of others, yearning for someone to notice him. he longs for comfort, and it makes him uneasy because at thirty-seven or fifty-one shouldnt he be beyond that now? a young place in his heart is yearning for something he never received.
-the way of the wild heart
i dont know where you’re leading me God. and for the first time in a long time, i feel a familiar stirring in my heart. i so want to hope. i so want to know freedom again. i so want to run into all that you have for me.
beyond that, i want to feel safe, in your arms.
i want to know, beyond all doubt, that i can be safe in your arms. that i can run to you. i know intimately what it feels like, to be the prodigal son… and feel so unworthy of the Fathers House… and for so long, ive not allowed you to come to me.
God i never learned how to be a son. i never knew what it meant. i need you to show me…
find me in the river
find me on my knees
ive walked against the water
now im waiting if you please
we’ve longed to see the roses
but never felt the thorns
and bought our pretty crowns
but never paid the price
find me in the river
find me there
find me on my knees with my soul laid bare
even though Youre gone
and im cracked and dry
find me in the river
im waiting here
find me in the river
find me on my knees
ive walked against the water
now im waiting if you please
we didnt count on suffering
we didnt count on pain
but if the blessings in the valley
then in the river i will wait
find me in the river
-delirious
Lord you have my heart
and i will search for yours
Jesus take my life and lead me on
Father, i need to see you. i need to hear you. and i need your direction. life is so much more precious than i treat it. and i need your help to act in a way worthy of how much you’ve given me. i need to know what to do.
(now playing: anberlin/cable car/cities)
my grandparents, in so many ways, are heroes to me. now, my moms parents are far from perfect, dont get me wrong… but they’re still together. and they have been for a long time.
each afternoon, they go down to the local cafe and sit, people watch, and enjoy coffee.
its amazing, but im slowly realizing that that is just what i want. its where i want to end up. still in love, still enjoying coffee, 50+ years after ‘i do’.
while back home a few weeks ago, i walked into a grocery store and stepped aside for an elderly man and woman. obviously married, and probably oblivious to most of the world around them… but something rang true when i saw that. something in that moment, echoed a cry from my heart…. i want that. i want to grow old, in love.
i’m not sure where i’m headed tonight; other than to say that this part of who i am, i had forsaken. if i was honest, id have to tell you that there were times where i contemplated not ever finding that ‘someone’. where i could honestly see myself living the rest of my days single.
i dont have a lot to give. not yet. im still very much walking out from under the destruction of my parents divorce, and my fathers mistakes.
most men feel sentenced by their fathers in three ways. we feel sentenced by the wound, by what we got from them in answer to our deepest question (do i have what it takes?). we feel sentenced by the fact that there is now no one to lead us on in our need for masculine initiation. and we feel sentenced somehow to a bond we feel with our fathers – their sins, their failures, what they were as men. it feels like the hand we have been dealt. as if we might, with effort, make it a little father than he, but we will always be his son.
the way of the wild heart
-john eldridge
there are still parts of who i am entangled in the mess that john describes in this book. its amazing, but i still consider myself my fathers son. and when someone mentions his shortcomings, his failures, his sins, i hurt. and i dont know why……
sometimes, its in our silence that our heart speaks the loudest. sometimes its not the presence of a great orator, or the abundance of words that communicates what our hearts are feeling… sometimes its just the ‘being there’, the presence of something we know is beyond us.
sometimes, its in the moments of quiet when we realize the beauty around us. we realize the grace, the passion, the greatness in the things, the people, we’ve always known. we simply see them in new light.
there will come a time, when my heart will be ready. when i’ll risk it all, put my everything on the line and fall in love. im not there yet. im not. im not the type of man who could say ‘i do’, and say it again 50+ years from now over a cup of coffee.
but i want to be. i so want to be.
life is calling.
me.
and for the first time in a long time, im beginning to listen.
i dont know what the future holds; or 6 months from now, what it will look like… but i know that change is coming. i can sense it.
my office moved over the weekend. my sisters leave in 2 weeks. and my future seems unsure. no, let me rephrase that. i know my future is sure. it is. im just beginning to open my eyes to what is coming.
—-
i sit here before you, and i am still alive. i am still breathing. 6 years after the world fell apart and i am still here.
ive got so much i want to write, so much i want to share, so much that is pressing on my heart… but for probably the 4th time in as many nights, i just dont have the words.
i will say this much; in my previous post, i talked about finding life. i’m realizing – im not done yet. life isnt through with me, and i sure as heck am not through with life.
yes, there are still doors in my heart that need to be opened. paths of forgiveness, of grace, and of utter brokenness that need to be walked. there is still restoration needed, and there is still a cry for hope.
—–
i wonder if the disciples felt it. i wonder if they heard the distant rumbles, the indiscernible calling of something more… of life. just outside of their grasp, just over the horizon. i wonder if they just knew there was something more. something that they day-in day-out wasn’t fulfilling.i believe they did. i believe they were looking for what was next, and when Life asked them to follow… there was no reason to look back. because they had made their decision long ago. they followed…. and the world changed.
i’m sure there will be challenges. and there will be mistakes. and many more ups and downs than i care to imagine, but its precisely those moments that remind me that i am still alive. it is the frustrations at work, the longer commute, the dirty dishes sitting in the sink… it is the day-in day-out circumstances that remind me that life is meant to be more. that there is still more out there, that life is out there. and i will find it.
because now, i am looking.
you have walked so deep a canyon
deep a canyon now
and in the end you know that you’ve been found
been found
heaven sure fell hard upon you
hard upon you now
and in the end you know that you’ve been found
you’re found
oohhh, you belong now
ohhhh, you are free
so open wide the arms you’re given
you’re too alive to just stand still
open wide the heart as you breath in
you’re too alive to just stay here
you wondered how your searching heart
your searching heart would roam
coming to the place that you call home
you’re home
oohhh, you belong now
ohhhh, you are free
so open wide the arms you’re given
you’re too alive to just stand still
open wide the heart as you breath in
you’re too alive to just stay here
you’re shaken up
awaken
you gotta live
you gotta love
so open wide the arms you’re given
you’re too alive to just stand still
open wide the heart as you breath in
you’re too alive to just stay here
Future of Forestry
‘Open Wide’
twilight
you’d think that after having spent a week back home, reconnecting, healing, and finding freedom, i’d have so many words that i wouldnt know where to start. in all honesty, im not there. i dont have words. im simply… thankful.
im learning that moments of hope come at the most unexpected times. and im learning that the winds of change, and the storms of life are often times, one in the same.
and ive begun to realize that the old adage, we dont know what we’ve got until its gone is true. we dont. we so often dont realize the true value of what is in our lives, until it is gone.
we live in such a fast-paced world, that we often miss what we have.
and its only when we no longer have the ability to reach out and hug a friend, or meet them for coffee, that we realize how precious they are. that we realize how important, vital, and beautiful friendship is.
its then that we realize that the people placed in our lives must be there for a purpose. that this isn’t an accident. that these people, for better or for worse, are destined to be in our life. that they were designed to cross the roads we are on.
friends are there through thick and thin. through ups and downs. through victory, and failure. friends are the people whos names appear over and over again in our prayers, thoughts, and hearts.
the more i live, the more i realize that it is in these people that we find gifts beyond measure, that we find hope, that we find inspiration. that we find, in its most rare and pure form, life.
our friends are rainbows in our lives. God ordained reminders of His promises to us.
promises that we’re not fighting through this storm, to simply drown. promises that life will get better, that we have a hope and a future. promises that this is worth it.
our friends remind us that life is worth living, and that even when we dont always see it, that this life is beautiful, simply because they are in it.
……
maybe your one of those who is blessed to live close enough to those you call friends, those called to walk alongside you, those you have been called to walk alongside, to see them on a regular basis. maybe you can meet them for coffee, or a night of throwing a frisbee on the beach.
if you do; the next time you order your americano, or see one of them pull off an amazing frisbee catch, make sure you let them know that they are without a doubt, the most amazing people in the world. and that you’re eternally grateful for having them in your life.
…..
jenna, wendy, jen, april and mattie; thank you – for making this life so beautiful. i am more thankful for each of you than words could ever express. you challenge me, call me to live a more holy life, and offer me hope….thank you all, so much.
thank you, each of you, you bring life.
fathers mystify me. they do.
i spent some time with mine today. its not always easy. we have our good days, and we have our not so good days.
ive learned a lot from him. i have. and as much as we have our issues, and as much as we’ll never have a real father/son relationship, i have learned things from him that i value.
ive learned the value of hard work. i cant really credit anyone else with showing me a hard work ethic. i cant say it was done perfectly, but hey… i work my tail off. and im thankful for that.
i also learned the value of a job well done. and of seeing the skill and passion that goes into things most other people either take for granted, or simply miss. ive helped to build houses, run plumbing, build window frames… and sweep the garage, a lot. and when i see something constructed well, even if its nothing more than a barn, i see the passion and sweat that went into it. and im thankful to see that.
……
i wont lie to you. my father and i never had a normal relationship. i can remember hating him when i was a child. i can remember seething when he’d embarrass me in front of my friends.
and somehow i remember that this was supposed to be ‘normal’. that growing up this way was what every other kid was doing. that we were all supposed to hate our fathers, and that embarrassment was normal.
that having a father who returned his Christmas presents because they were ‘too expensive” was what everyone else did in early January. that stories of abuse would surface many years later. that not wanting to grow up and be ‘just like dad’ was what every 12 year old did.
can you believe that i probably was in my mid-20s before i began to realize that maybe, just maybe, not everyone grew up like i did? that not everyone had a dad they couldnt stand? and to be honest, in my early 20s, i hated him. passionately. the only reason i talked with him during that time of my life was because i was afraid of what he’d do if i didnt. either to himself, or to my family. now? i still think that… though not as much.
so where am i going with all this? good question. i will be looking for an apartment sometime late this summer. my office is moving and my commute will probably not be tons of fun. and besides, its time. i need to. and i mentioned this to my dad. his response?
he wanted me to move in with him. into his 1 bedroom apartment. yes, ONE BEDROOM. you see, he’s getting involved in this insurance business. he’s going to need a computer. and he knows nothing about computers. so, for
“3-6 months, i can have you 2-3 nights a week for about an hour. that way, i wont have to call you with computer questions”.
oh… and of course, i can
“take the pressure of rent off of his shoulders”.
…..
i think im still realizing that not everyones father is this way. that not everyone grew up like i did.
if you havent figured it out yet, im not your typical 27 year old. there are parts of me that i dont understand. parts of who a man is supposed to be that escape me.
id love to say that at 27, im ready for marriage. that i feel the foundation i have is strong enough to be a man who can hold a marriage up… who could, someday, have a family. i cant say that.
im still looking for purpose. for the foundation that i so want.
there were so many things i missed. so many instances, moments in time where manhood was supposed to be passed on to me, that never happened. so many ways that i feel like im faking it.
maybe thats it… im faking. because i dont know how to do this the way it was supposed to be done.
…..
i may live the rest of my life with questions unanswered. i may never find the completion, the fullness, the firm foundation im looking for… i may never find the complete meaning to the questions i have…
i would never pray the childhood i had on anyone. but when i look at the damaged parts of my life, the parts that he was supposed to build up, invest in and grow… somehow, i find meaning.
in the pieces, in the pain, there is meaning. there is hope. and i pray that i can bring that hope to others who havent yet found it.
the broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonite
maybe it cant stop tomorrow, from stealing all my time
i am here still waiting, i still have my doubts
i am damaged at best, like you’ve already figured out
im falling apart, im barely breathing
with a broken heart, thats still bleeding
in the pain, there is healing
in your name, i find meaning
so im holding on, im holding on
im holding on, im barely holding on to you
the broken locks were a warning, you got inside my head
i tried my best to be guarded, im an open book instead
i still see your reflection, inside of my eyes
that are looking for purpose, they’re still looking for life
im falling apart, im barely breathing
with a broken heart, thats still bleeding
in the pain, is there healing
in your name, i find meaning
so im holding on, im holding on
im holding on, im barely holding on to you
im haning on, another day
just to see what you will throw my way
and im hangin on, to the words you say
you said that i
will be ok
the broken lights on the freeway, left me here alone
i may have lost my way now, havent forgotten my way home
broken
lifehouse
there are so may ways that my relationship with God has been impacted by my relationship with my father. i cannot deny that, and in all honesty, thats what this entire post is dedicated to. thats what it all boils down to.
we all enter this life helpless, and in tremendous need. the lucky ones have those needs met; physically, emotionally, and spiritually. there are others though, who fend for themselves. who have to find the solutions to the problems they face. solutions that, so many others were given.
they carry the scars, the burdens of what was lost. and in so many ways, they still need rescue.
someOne once said that He’d restore the years that the ‘locust had eaten’. He promised to restore what was lost. and to be honest, i cant see how He can restore this. how he can look at a generation of people just like me, and stand by that promise.
but if He can… then i’ll let Him.
how long did i tread water? how long did i hold on to the floating remains of my life? the few pieces of the boat that had been my entire existence? how hard did i kick? how many days were spent searching for any sign of land? how many nights did i cry myself to sleep?
before i found her. before i found someone else.. someone who had fought as i had. who had, at one time, clung to her past as an act of simply trying to stay afloat. someone who watched her life explode and sink…and in an instant, found herself miles from shore, and from help.
she made it. she made it to shore… and she didnt run from the water. she knew there were others like her, others, like me… who didnt know which way to swim… or where the shore was.
so she did the only thing she could. she shoved off the shore, and with a ship now hewn by scars and healed wounds, she lived her life on the water. looking for other survivors. others who wouldnt have made it without her guidance. without her encouragement. without her love. without her telling them that she’d been there. that she knew the way to the shore… and that they’d make it.
kate, thank you.
for not giving up. for making it to the shore. and thank you, for coming back for me.
you may never understand how much it meant, to know someone else had survived what i was going through. who made it. who found strength in pain, who found that shore, found life, and brought hope to those who may not have made it.thank you.
for telling me, in so many ways, that everything would be all right.
how long have i been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the oceans shapeless form
waters getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head
if i could just see you
everything would be alright
if id see you
this darkness would turn to light
and i will walk on water
and you will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into your eyes
and know everything will be alright
and know everything is alright
I know you didnt bring me out here to drown
so why am i ten feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cos im so used to living underneath the surface
if i could just see you
everything would be alright
if id see you
this darkness would turn to light
and i will walk on water
and you will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into your eyes
i know everything will be alright
i know everything is alright
lifehouse
-storm
it seems we humans enjoy living life with willful ignorance. if its true, if ignorance really is bliss, then we strive for bliss with every fiber of our being.
we live life like there were no consequences. we love, never truly showing that tomorrow, the ones we love could be gone. we spend like the job will always be there. we live, like tomorrow will always come.
when we lack our own stability, we create it wherever we can find it.
and it takes bravery and courage to stop. to begin to ask the hard questions. to change the way we look at life. it takes bravery to tell yourself that your job may not be there tomorrow… that you really need to talk to your roommate about their substance abuse…. that we shouldn’t take advantage today, of what may be gone tomorrow.
so many of us are blessed to punch a clock. to work our 8-5 and know our paycheck will be waiting. to know that the same amount will always be deposited in our checking account. we have our set of responsibilities and as long as they are completed by 5pm on Friday; the weekend, and the paycheck are ours.
Christs first choices never had that. they never enjoyed that sense of security. they lived and breathed the seeming randomness of the sea. they could never bet on what they’d bring home. they’d never know if it would be a big payday, or if their family would go hungry…they worked and toiled with all they had and there was no guarantee.
they lived life without a security blanket.
maybe God was trying to tell us something. maybe He was trying to tell us that in this fallen world, life could change in an instant. that the people we know and love could be gone in the blink of an eye. that our 8-5 could be outsourced or downsized. that life was meant to be lived because there was no guarantee outside of Him.
they never had stability and yet, they still got up every morning. they could never find a firm foundation on their work and yet, they risked their lives every day. they had families, friends, community. and eventually, thet found their foundation in the only rock that would never move from beneath them.
im guilty too.
ive lived the past 27 years going from mini-crisis to mini-crisis. as soon as God dealt with one, or i stopped freaking out about it, something new would rise up. some new wave would threaten my oh so precious nets. the boat would rock, id get splashed…
and id realize with a *gasp* that i was in a tiny little boat on a world covered by water. id realize my life was puny, tiny, and of little consequence… and id scramble… id check my rigging, my nets, the boats course. id double and tripple check…. all in the vain attempt at keeping all the balls in the air. driven by the fear of coming back to port, a failure.
ive lived the past 27 years, in so many ways, simply running around my little boat. so afraid that when id come back to port, id come back empty. id come back, a failure.
and all this time, ive missed the One, walking on the waves.
there is no promise in this life…. even for followers of the Master Fisherman. loved ones are still torn from us, decades before they should have been. jobs are lost, friendships fail… life, even with the Saviour, can be breathtakingly painful.
He never promised an easy ride, but he did promise to be with us. no matter what. He promised to never leave us, to never leave me.
and its in those arms, that promise, that hope… that i must find my foundation. that i must plant my life, and build my future upon.
because its in those arms, that life can be breathtakingly beautiful.
p.s.
go listen to mutemath, track 13.
I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
And wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nail that still remains
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
Battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain,
And wash my feet and cleanse my pride
Take the selfish, take the weak,
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
My sin-soaked heart – make it yours
Take my world all apart,
Take it now, take it now
And serve the ones that I despise
Speak the words I can’t deny
Watch the world I used to love
Fall to dust and blow away
I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
And wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nail that still remains
Steal my heart and take the pain
Take the selfish, take the weak
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
Take my world apart
Take my world apart
And I pray, and I pray, and I pray
Take my world apart
Worlds apart
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 