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grace

July 29, 2008 in God, Hope, Life | by Peej | Leave a comment

when you come to the end of your rope, when you realize that all you have left is all that has been since the beginning; you realize that all you have left, is all that you need.

my grace is sufficient….

we will never truly understand those words until they are put to test in our lives. until our hearts ache, until our actions betray our beliefs, until our wounds bleed and until our world changes.

my grace is sufficient….

when that moment comes, and everything else we rely on is gone, we must reach out to Him. to lean on His grace. and to learn that

my grace is sufficient….

just three hours

July 12, 2008 in Hope, Life, Love | by Peej | 3 comments

someday. hopefully… someday soon.

http://www.news-gazette.com/news…

i will remember

June 26, 2008 in God, Hope, Life, Love | by Peej | 2 comments

part of me wants to run and hide and not say whats on my heart…. but my heart wont let me. and for tonight, i think i’ll let my heart win.

im realizing that so much this thing called love is far removed from romantic dinners, evenings at the movies, or coffee and conversation…. and so much closer to a broken, imperfect, blemished, failure of a human…. asking for someone to love him or her.

i’m not trying to be down on myself here… but if i’m honest, thats what i am. and actually, thats what you are. broken. pieces of our experiences woven together, held in place… by grace.

–

what do i want out of a relationship? do i want kids? what kind of house? do i want off white or pure white napkins at the reception? none of it matters…

my memories wont be filled with the bouquet she threw, or the china we picked out. my memories will be filled with her scent and the way the morning sun makes her hair sparkle.

my memories will have nothing to do with the minivan, or the house we live in, the jobs we have or how successful i am.

but with her eyes and her smile. and how her eyes glow when she smiles. that she loves tomatoes in her salad and will happily eat mine, because i don’t. that she hates the toilet paper coming from the underside of the roll…

and that she is beautiful, even when she is certain she isn’t.

and the fact that she loves me. and that i love her.

these are the things i will remember

–

i dont know who you are… but i’m here. broken, imperfect, blemished…. and in so many ways, a failure of a man. im pieces, held together by grace.

but i will let you eat my tomatoes.

–

love is walking on water, while the storm rages all around. and its knowing that if you begin to fall, someone will be there to catch you.

greatness

June 7, 2008 in Friends, God, Hope, Life, Love, Romance | by Peej | Leave a comment

there are moments in life when we know that something bigger than us, has reached out and in some way, changed our lives. moments when we know that our little lives have been brushed by a beauty we do not understand. with something beyond what we currently know. and although we dont understand it, we instinctively respect and honor it.

maybe it was the first time you saw a couple really in love… and even though it escaped your 10 year old minds ability to comprehend, you knew it was special. and somehow, you knew that someday, you would want that too.

or maybe it was a glimpse into someones future. someone who’s life you’d only have a small part of, but you just knew that this life would be great.

maybe it was at a concert, and hearing a then-unknown artist bare their soul on the stage, you just knew that this time next year, success would rain down upon this person.

whatever it was, you knew you had been touched by greatness. and even if you couldnt comprehend all of it, you knew it was wonderful. you knew it was bigger than you ever could hope to be, and you knew that just being there…. was something to be cherished.

nearly 9 years ago, i was touched by such a greatness. and even though i didnt know how long this person would be in my life, or where it would lead, i knew it was special. and i knew that i’d been given a gift, something… someone to cherish. even if only for a time.

and its this person, this time in history, this reason that i write tonight.

because in a little more than 2 months…. this person gets married.

—

late one night almost 9 years ago, when you rounded the corner in the mall as we were both Christmas shopping, i knew i had stumbled into greatness. into something beyond my comprehension. and even though i didnt fully comprehend it at the time, and probably dont now, i knew it was to be cherished. i knew you were to be cherished.

we all have our roles to play in the lives of those we know and love. and as life goes on, our roles change…. people come, and people go.

it wasnt long after that moment in the mall, that i found myself giving, surrendering you back to your Heavenly Father. i knew you weren’t mine to have. and i knew, i just absolutely knew, that i was only there as a steward. that my calling, my role, was to love and support.

i cannot say i was near perfect, but i knew that you were being saved for the man of your dreams. and i am so incredibly blessed, honored and thankful to know that you’ve found him.

i’m sorry i may not make your wedding, my sisters graduation is the same weekend. but please know i’ll be there in spirit. and the tears that fall will be tears of joy.

why? because i was brushed by greatness… and i am better for it.

someday, i hope to find what you have, and write a story of my own… but for now, jenna marie – go! find out what this thing called love is all about. make babies, throw pots, paint, travel, see the world and live your life to the absolute fullest. because you are destined to do just that. you are destined to greatness.

home

May 23, 2008 in God, Hope, Life, Love, The Soundtrack | by Peej | Leave a comment

i just came from seeing the Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian.

and i cannot give up. if anything, thats what i walked away from. i dont care if it kills me to find it, there is something worth fighting for.

i was chosen to walk this path. to live, here, now. and i dont know why. because it all honesty, it hurts. but ive come to far. ive followed this path for too long. going back isnt whats next. its not.

there is someone. out there. who i was supposed to meet. to fall for. and to spend the rest of my life with. and i cannot promise a ton, but i promise to love you with every fiber of who i am. i promise to apologize when im wrong. i promise to puruse, and to fight for you. and i pray to be humble enough to be the man i need to be.

and although i feel so out of place, so much like im searching for that place to call home….

im going to cry out. and hope and pray that my heavenly father hears me. because i cannot do this anymore. not alone. not like this. i dont want to be alone.

i’m crying out… and im not going to give up. please, show me the way. show me the path. show me where i fit, where i can find home.

not every post leaves me in tears, but this one did. because i dont know how else to say it. i need You.

This Is Home
-Switchfoot

I’ve got my memories
They’re always
Inside of me
But I can’t go back
Back to how it was
I believe now
I’ve come too far
No I can’t go back
Back to how it was
Created for a place
I’ve never known

Chorus:
This is home
Now I’m finally
Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I’ve been searching
For a place of my own
Now I’ve found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home

Belief over misery
I’ve seen the enemy
And I won’t go back
Back to how it was
And I got my heart
Set on
What happens next
I got my eyes wide
It’s not over yet
We are miracles
And we’re not alone

(Chorus)

And now after all
My searching
After all my questions
I’m gonna call it home
I got a brand new mindset
I can finally see
The sunset
I’m gonna call it home

(Chorus)

Now I know
Yeah, this is home

I’ve come too far
Now I won’t go back
This is home

show me the path

May 22, 2008 in God, Life | by Peej | Leave a comment

life will never satisfy. not in and of itself.

im realizing that no pursuit, project, pay raise or job change, no promotion or position will ever truly meet the yearning one feels. meet the yearning i feel.

someone challenged me recently to get real. it wasnt so much a direct challenge, as it was the way she lives her life. the depth of honesty she was offering. it was beautiful. and terrifying. isnt that the way with true beauty though? it is terrifying.

we dont know what to do with true beauty when we come across it. we dont know how to respond. it’s so rare that for most people, we shy away when we actually catch a glimpse of it. it forces us to realize that there is so. much. more. and we’ve only seen the smallest part of the surface.

it shows us reckless love. and reckless love, is exactly what we all crave.

true beauty shows us that it exists. that once upon a time, 2000 years ago, One man died, to allow us to experience that beautiful, terrifying, reckless love.

—

im single, 28. and yes, i work hard in making myself an attractive guy. i work hard, i’m sucessful…. i work out, eat right, and all those things that a 28 year old is supposed to do to be attractive to the opposite sex.

and as hard as i try, to uphold my ideals of what a man is, of what i should be… all the facades and masks that i pretend make me who i am….

none of it matters. its a lie. the whitewash over the walls.

reckless love. ruins all those who come in contact with it. we realize how desperate we are. and how much we, i need that love.

the truth is, i needed that reckless love just as much as anyone else. im no different from the ex-con, the murder, or the rapist. and lovely or not, attractive or not, if it wasnt for that once upon a time, 2000 years ago…. i wouldnt be here.

you want reality? thats about as real as i can get. i’m a big nobody that a huge Somebody loved with a reckless love. and although ive run from him hundreds of times… although ive at times, spat in His face, He still loves me.

even though i don’t understand it, and more often then not, dont believe it. He does. He loves me. and that is who i am. a nobody. loved by a Somebody. and if thats all i’ve got. then that is enough.

and i will be satisfied.

everything

May 11, 2008 in Hope, Life, The Soundtrack | by Peej | Leave a comment

i’m slowly coming to the realization that loneliness is one of the worst feelings one can grapple with. it attacks the very core of who we are, the very substance that we yearn to hold on to, to believe about ourselves. that being; that we are lovely, lovable, and worth fighting for.

abandonment.

its terrifying.

and i still struggle with its effects. with the feeling that i wasn’t worth enough for others to stick around. that i was somehow unclean, broken. or just not valuable.

i dont even like typing those words out. because it goes against everything i believe about myself. but it speaks volumes about my heart. and, who i am when no one is looking.

and to be honest, i dont know who that is.

….

growing up, for a boy, was supposed to be full of moments in time where he progresses to the next level. moments where he is closer to becoming that man that he is destined to be. the first time he pounds a nail without bending it. the first time he feels the heft of a double barrel shotgun. his first campout, or ball game. his first girlfriend, and his first broken heart. the first time he stands up for what is right and it really really costs him.

these moments, marked by destiny, were designed to usher him into the man he is to become. but these moments will shatter him if the guidance isnt there. if the presence of an older male isnt there to lead, and tell him he’s doing well.

its during those times we find out what being a man is all about. we glimpse the life we’re destined to live. we learn sacrifice, we learn to fight, and we learn that there are people in our lives worth fighting for.

we were meant to see our dads loving on our moms. to see him stand up for what was right, even when it hurt. and to see him rush to our aid when we needed him.

seeing these things help paint the picture in the boys eyes of who a man is supposed to be. of what makes a man, a man. it rewires his DNA. it tells him whats possible. and it affirms him.

….

i say i dont know who i am, because honestly, i dont.

i dont know what makes me a man. i dont feel like one.

i want to know where he was. and why i was so damaged that he wasnt there. what did i do? how could i have been so bad that you weren’t there?

i learned a lot from him. i learned how to be distant. and not let anyone in. i learned how to not love a woman. and how not to raise my kids. i learned how horribly one person can destroy others lives. and i learned that the scars from abuse is something that one will always carry with them.

i have to believe that there was a reason. that there is some good that can come of this. that somewhere out there, is the affirmation i need. the promise that, yes, i’m becoming the man i want to be. that there is someone out there worth fighting for. worthing giving my all. worth throwing it all away just to be with them.

im holding onto the promises that i’ve heard.

i’m hanging on
to the words You say
You said that i will
be ok

in my opinion, there is no harder battle that a boy will face, than to distance himself from his fathers shadow. for his father was supposed to be the one person on earth that he wanted to be like. when that is broken? nothing. else. works.

because we lose our ability to trust. and that breaks everything.

i know you didnt
bring me our here to drown
so why am i ten feet under
and upside down?

barley surviving
has become my purpose
cos im so used to living
underneath the surface

if i could just see you
everything would be alright
if i would see you
this darkness would turn to light

and i will walk on water
and you will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into Your eyes

i know everything will be alright

sometimes

May 10, 2008 in God, Hope, Life, The Soundtrack | by Peej | Leave a comment

sometimes we’re walking above the waves. and other times, we simply fight to keep our head above water.

either way, right now? this is me

maybe just some dogfood

April 21, 2008 in God, Hope, Life | by Peej | Leave a comment

we so often overlook the things in life that are most important, the very reasons we walk this earth. if you…. no, if i would stop for just a moment, i’d see them. people crying out for help, for hope. or maybe just some dogfood.

now you may look at this picture and laugh, or find it stupid. it broke my heart. and spurned me into action.

i cannot do it all. but i can do something. and i will.