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i think i said that just a little while ago.last month to be exact? i think ill repost that. just to be clear.
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i havent given up….
its a funny thing, isnt it. romance that is. at the very moment when you’ve given up on ever finding it…
it simply walks into your life like it was always there.
i’d be careful if i was you, or you may miss it. for you see, romance can form in unexpected places… and in unexpected persons.
i say all that to simply say this…
i havent given up. not yet.
i choose to believe that there is someone out there…
someone who, when she speaks… my world stops turning. when she looks at me, i realize my world is a much smaller place… because i see my future in her eyes… someone who makes me want to be a better man…
i havent given up…. not yet.
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so maybe my post was on the right topic, just somewhat off center as to whom it was for.
either way… congrats to beebs and mr. italiano. one week officially at 2 am saturday morning.
now the question thats been haunting me all week this week has had to do with romance.
for those of you who know me. for the past year and a half ive written off a ‘significant other’ so much so that i was almost anti-romance. and wouldnt ya know…. somethings just gotta go and change. i dont honestly know what it is that has changed. but it has. something inside me…. maybe its not changing. maybe… maybe the yearnings in my heart for a ‘special someone’ are just slowly beginning to reawaken with the light of day. maybe its….oh who knows. its 2 am almost and im more than exhausted.
and sleep just wont come.
im afraid its real.
im afraid its not.
im afraid its what i think it is.
and im afraid that its just my pathetic attempt to keep myself from getting hurt again….
im not sure what to think…
its a double edge sword.
i would like to post tonite.
to pour out my soul… to bare it all and just be real…
but tonite…
tonite i cant.
because honestly, for the first time in my life…. im beginning to question my feelings.
im beginning to wonder if what im feeling is real.
and if so, is it right?
all i know is that ive never felt this way before. and its terrifying.
so, for tonite… i leave you with this.
Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting. And though unwanted, unbidden. it will stir. open its jaws and howl. it speaks to us… guides us… passion rules us all. and we obey. what other choice do we have? passion is the source of our finest moments. the joy of love… the clarity of hatred… and the ecstasy of grief. it hurts sometimes more than we can bear. if we could live without passion, maybe we’d know some kind of peace. but we would be hollow. empty rooms, shuttered and dark… without passion, we’d be truly dead.”
maybe its the realization that life will always keep going. even when our life falls apart. the world doesnt stop. maybe its just the determination to put that one foot in front of the next… and just continue to keep going.
hope isnt a beautiful uplifting thing… its the decision to breath through water-filled lungs.
i made the decision long ago…. to allow myself to expierence feelings fully.
whether it was joy or pain… completion or loneliness… whatever it is, i choose to feel… to live… fully.
and i make that statement again.
this life i think im living will never again be normal. but i choose to live it fully.
july 19, 2003… a date that will forever be burned in my memory.
welcome to the war….
this is it. the end of the weekend fast approches. 20 minutes from now sunday evening will end… and monday morning will begin.
and the only thing i can feel right now is an amazing sense of “wow”….
and an overwhelming feeling of “whats next”.
ya know what else? i realized something today while talking with a good friend of mine.
i realized that our preceptions are almost always wrong.
you will never truly be able to know someone until you see them the way He does.
sometime very very soon…. i will need to apologize to a few people for clinging to a preception.
sometime very soon, this will need to be said….
victory doesnt come to those who neccessarily fight the hardest.or those with the most zeal.
or even those with the largest army….
victory comes to those….
who realize the battle is bigger than they are.
victory belongs to the quiet survivors
the things we remember most in this life… regaring the ones we care about more than anything…
wont be their actions.
or the words they speak.
it wont be the gifts given….
or special times shared.
more and more im realizing, that the things we will remember most vividly… will be when they let the silence speak for them.
it may be that they simply stand silently with you, knowing words wont change anything, as you watch your family disintegrate.
it may be that they support you through silent love and emotionally being there, when your world falls apart….
or it may simply be that the silence… was caused by them not being there.
i firmly believe that you dont truly know someone until you’ve expierenced there silence…
because in the silence… the truth begins to scream.
it seems, to me anyway, that i will never cease to be amazed at how quickly life can change.even today – something i thought was pretty much solid, in the life of a friend… is now, suddenly… gone.
and someone i care about deeply – is now thrown into the midst of the unknown…
unknown. it seems to be the word of today.
its the very escence of who i am right now…
im standing on the edge.
waiting for something to happen….
be ready… for soon, it will be
time to fly….
in response to the above question….*
the answer is no.
or, more clearly
no, not yet.
but i will be.
(when this blog was titled “am i who i want to be?”)
“Bottom line is, even if you see them coming, you’re never ready for big moments. No one asked for their life to change, not really, but it does. So what are we helpless, puppets? No, the big moments are going to come, you can’t help that. It’s what you do afterwards that counts. That’s when you find out who you really are. You’ll see what I mean.”
-whistler
its coming.
i dont know when.
i dont know what…
but war is coming.
it takes more courage to suffer than to die….
bring it on.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 