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im going to leave tonites post title-less. for now anyway.
but in honor of an anniversary id rather not remember, im going to re-blog this message i originally posted back on may 29 2002. the day im reference below would have been memorial day 2002.
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rest. it comes to those who ask for it. if they do what it takes to step into it. no deep thoughts. no earth-shattering revelations. newsflash tho i have a reason to live. a few of them actually. 24 hours ago i was reminded of them. 48 hours ago… i was about to give up. but i have a reason. 2 of them actually. they live in ft. worth and they’re slightly younger and more beautiful than i am. well… slightly younger and much more beautiful. they are the reason i keep going. they are the ‘pot at the end of the rainbow’. they are the reason i continue on in this life i think im living….. they are my sisters and i love them incredibly.
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you see… memorial day 2002 was basically at the very peak of my emotional turmoil.
i had come home from a christian gathering feeling completely alone. completely isolated. and completely un-worthy.
depression has many faces. and there is no doubt in my mind that -at one time- my face was counted among those.
you need to understand that ive sat here. and the space between the last line i just typed, and this one here… although short… has taken me nearly 15 minutes.
simply because of what im pondering. because of the raw emotion. because of how scared i am now – of how close it was then.
one year ago memorial day, i had plans laid out to commit suicide.
there, i said it.
it would have been simple really. i had two options, either slit my wrists in the tub, or a simple 6 story free-fall from my parking garage.
shocked? i am. and ive had a year to comprehend the honest fact that i was that low. its scary. ‘scary’ doesn’t even seem to be a big enough word. it doesn’t convey the depth of emotion i feel. its almost as if its feelings to deep for words.
for once upon a fateful nite 1 year ago, my little sister called me from 1700 miles away. and she never could have known that the simple communication we shared, saved my life. she never knew that the words we shared brought me back to life. she could never know that within that conversation were the things i was dying to hear.
she showed me i was needed. that i had a purpose in life. and that i had a reason, 2 of them actually, to live.
now maybe, in the course of my post tonite, ive shaken your world a little bit. well then, good. maybe it will make you stop and take stock of your friendships and realize that life isnt forever. and that, in a moment… it can change. and in a moment… it can be taken away.
im not where i used to be. praise God. im not that person anymore.
i used to think it could never happen to me, now i know it could happen to anyone.
be thankful for each day and live it to its fullest.
because, in all honesty, there are no promises that this life i think im living will continue on tomorrow.
here is to today.
and to lives being changed by grace.
amen and amen.
its been – what seems like – forever. hasn’t it?since i last was able to blog anything of signifigance.
change is coming. i dont know what else to say.
but its coming.
and im either going to be ready…
or im going to be run over.
either way – change is coming.
i miss my family… so much.
here is to amazing weekends and the smell of clean clothes.
to youth group car washes and walkin around with $319 in your pocket.
to trips to starbucks and dinners at dp’s.
to surprises, ikea, and lifehouse.
to margeritas, smirnoff ice and sage.
to fabric softner and friends that love us.
to new beginings, new homes, and an uncertain future.
here is to life. to its ups and downs. to the joys and pain.
may all the days we spend on this earth be spent truly living.
sometimes its the subtle things that catch us off guard. sometimes we dont even realize we’ve been “caught”. it takes a heart that has slowed somewhat, from the business of the day, to notice that indeed – it is no longer free but has been caught by surprise. thats me for tonite… somewhat caught off guard. by the scent of fabric softener.you see, i was surprised this weekend by my friend skip. she threw me in a car on friday and off we drove.
now you have to understand that my thoughts on the weekend were going to be nothing more than maybe an hour or two drive time. we left @ 6:15pm. 12:45am saturday we arrived in virginia. and we visited skips best friend k8 (who is my friend to, but we met through skip) so anyway…
i was under the impression that the trip, and seeing kate were the surprise for the weekend. boy was i wrong. saturday afternoon found me off to baltimore for an Ikea store. woohoo!! and after… downtown baltimore for an intimate evening with lifehouse. all surprises. all wonderful.
i guess i brought all this up for two reasons. the first being to simply state how awesome it is to be loved. not for anything you’ve done… or anything you try to be…but just for who you are.
and secondly, to just express some of the ways i changed.
because of the awesome-ness of the weekend, i called in to work and took monday off as well. so we did laundry… and i just pulled a t-shirt from my suitcase. it smelled like fabric softener. i havent used fabric softener in 18 months or more. my mom used to. i miss that smell…
ok, so im not sure how that shows any changes in my life… but believe me. i have changed. permanently. and im constantly continuing to change.
and until things settle down…
im hanging on every word You say
and even if You dont wanna speak tonite
thats all right, all right with me
cos i want nothing more than to sit outside heavens door
and listen to Your breathing.
this weekend would be, at the least, incomplete without a blog to end tonite. and i can hear you saying “but its monday, the weekend is already over”. ill hold back on going into detail about this weekend… suffice to say that it was a wonderful time. i was reminded how this life is simply our chance to be the best friends we can to those who love us. and this was shown in vivid reality to me throughout this weekend.so, to pookie – all my love. all my thanks. you made this weekend. and you made this weekend happen. thank you so much for showing me what it means to truly love and accept someone. ::hug::
and to k8. thank you so much for being a friend, and beyond that, being someone who has walked where i am now trodding… and has survived. you’re a lighthouse in the storm of my life. never underestimate how much impact you will have. thank you.
tonites blog is short. and so is the time between now, and when i head to bed.
nite all.
there are memories i will always keep with me.
and there are memories so burned into who i am, that id gladly give anything to be able to forget them…its interesting isnt it, how the ones we hate the most are the ones with the most clarity.
why cant the good times come shining through our memories anymore….
carry my pain
carry the hurt
my head is spinnin
and im drowning in this rain.
shoulder my burden
and lighten my load
most of all please…
walk with me on this road
or so it may seem.im learning that reality may be somewhat different than the above statement.
im learning that people will very rarely ever change… anything. ever. human beings are inheirently creatures of habbit. and unless they are forced to change, like cattle herded from one field to the next… they wont.
humans are stubborn… it would seem, that they would rather stay in there safe little pasture – and choose to die of starvation – than to ::gasp:: face the threatening unknown of change and actually move to a pasture that holds the hope of food most promisingly.
very rarely will you find someone who will actually accept change gladly. and more rare still, are those individuals who will actually seek out change. wether to better themselves, or for the sake of a relationship….
and im learning, that those are the people that you consider friends. those are the people you invite into your deepest secrets. they are the ones who know most about you, even if you see them only on rare occasions. they are the ones who, when you look 10 years into the future, you know that even if you’re thousands of miles apart – you will still be in contact, if only because you know that the person on the other end of that line, will change with you… no matter what life throws your way.
people have learned that there is safety in numbers. and they will constantly cling to one another for support, for safety and for a feeling of ‘belonging’ to something. which is well, good and fine… unless life, or the Good Shepherd, is calling you to change.
for you see, the road of one who choses to change, is a lonely road. there is no denying that. because im walking on it.
i no longer fit into the “mold” of cattle anymore. i used to, i did. i used to have a normal family. live in a normal house. have a normal job in a normal suburb of a normal city. i – was one in a heard. not anymore. my family? fractured. forever. my lineage? destroyed. my house? sold. my job? gone.
and the looks on the faces of those who choose to not change… will forever be painfully burned into my memory as the faces of those who didnt know how to love.
for you see,
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails
love always protects. and to protect someone, you must be where they are. if you are not? than your love is only a good feeling… with no power.
ultimately, love means allowing someone to change. be it by there choice, or because the world they lived in was turned on end… love means allowing them to be real, and allowing them to change.
walking this path, im learning that ive only scratched the surface on love. i know ive got some wrongs that im keeping record of, and im struggling to let go.
but for now. and, for ever – i will always choose to change.
two words that seem to encompass much, much more than the sum of their parts.its what i yearn for.
its what, on some days, my heart beats for.
im trying to understand the -on some occasions- overwhelming desire for acceptance. for someone, anyone, to tell me im doing a good job. a “pat on the back”, or small words of praise. an accolade…
but then i realize, again-for the first time, that the things ive faced down… the demons i continually fight, the battle that rages on inside of my life… will never be battles that i can put on a resume. chances are, my boss will never say to me
“pj, good job on holding yourself together today while at work. its good to know you can shelve your personal life and feelings for the sake of the company”.
my victories, be they few, wont ever be shouted from rooftops, they’ll never grant me access to a ‘millionaires club’. and, quite honestly, wont ever make for a good conversation pice…
my only hope is that through it all, its working in me something of greater value.
to tell the truth, i dont know if thats my ‘only hope’ or just, the only thing i can cling too…
i dont know. what i do know is that im scared about what im capable of doing for acceptance. not somethin stupid, i mean – i know living for human acceptance is a fruitless and stress filled pursuit… but the joy that i feel, be it momentarily, when my boss compliments me – is amazing…. and that is what scares me. i dont want to live the rest of my life… this year… this week… today… or tomorrow… living for accolades from people who dont really matter…
im scared that im so fragile, and so reliant on those brief moments of joy that the rest of my moments are wasted working towards an fleeting and unfulfilling prize…
i want the quality of my work, and the knowing that i gave my all, to be the joys i live off of.
i want…
what i want… is to hear from my parents, that they’re proud of me…
it seems that no matter how many times i tell myself that ive fully realized what has taken place in my family… i havent.i spent the majority of today trying to ‘work’ simply forget the crap surrounding me. it was as if i was hit, suddenly, in the gut, with another “level” of realization.
and all of a sudden, my world stopped… again.
fast forward a few short hours and the night found myself standing 6 floors up on the roof of the parking garage. watching the city lights.
in my year of city living, i dont normally expierence fog very often, but tonite was unique. the fog was very very low. from where i was – 6 floors up – just looking across the street was somewhat obscured by the low hanging clouds. and the highrise buildings that are my neighbors? all but had dissappeard. but something else spoke to me up there…
a still, small voice…
that im trying to hold on to.
you see, just as those giant, imovable buildings were where they always were… even though i could not see them… in the same way, through the fog of grief, pain and hurt im walking through right now… there is a giant, imovable God who – though i may not see Him…
He is still there.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 