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sometimes its the overabundance of words that cause us to lose what we were truly feeling….
well, its over. the day i was both anticipating and dreading.now, i understand that above all else, Christmas day is the day we’re supposed to remember and focus on the birth of our Saviour – Jesus Christ. and i made sure i did that.
its just, i mean – come on. no one wants to spend Christmas day away from home. and i know ive much to be thankful for…
no matter how you look at it, when all was said and done – it was just another day. the sun rose, the sun set. people went about their business. it was one day in the 365 of this soon-to-end year. just another day. and thats how i ended up looking at it. im begining to realize that this life is somewhat easier to handle when taken a day at a time. im not giving up on my dreams for the future… but sometimes its just easier to look at today as the challenge…. the moutain to climb or obstacle to overcome. its the battle that you will face. its today. and today… today, i think i can handle. tomorrow… the future? i know im completely inadequate to handle… but today. today we can get through.
so, without going into details, that – was my Christmas. just another day…. its come and gone and life innevitably will go on.
my family (mom + sisters) had Christmas nite dinner at…. dennys.
dennys. yeah, that just fills me with the warmth and joy of the holiday season. tons and tons. im just oozing with cynicism… i mean, holiday spirit. really.
anyway, i think this concludes my first post Christmas day blog. im going to leave you with a song
gold and silver
stavesacre
You slipped from my arms, I knew you had to go. Such a heavy heart, who could hope to hold. And I know where you’re going, and that’s the hardest part. No matter where tonight ends, you won’t escape your broken heart.
Stay a while
Helpless for the words, and it tightens up the air. It’s not what you deserve, it’s not for lack of care. Inside of me is screaming out, I’m praying for my prayers. Distracting and unworthy of each and every burning tear
Seems insincere
Do I see God in all of this? maybe all along… It’s just that we’re so small, and simply not as strong. Strong like wings of silver, and feathers made of gold. To carry heavy hearts, to cover all our helpless souls.
To cover all of us
Under wings of Gold and Silver sometimes we have to hide. For shelter from this bitter winter at least tonight.
(If it were mine to give I’d give you your own time. Turn it back or forward whatever you decide)
Stay a while
so i talked to my dad today… not at all an unusual event. it happens pretty often. few times a week typically.this time was different. a subtle difference. or, i should say, initially, i hardly noticed it. it came across masked in subtlety.
he asked me this seemingly harmless question,
“i saw a cd holder for your car while i was at the mall today. i had to stop for some errands and i happened to see it. how are you doin on keeping cds in your car?”
and my immediate response, formed due to the number of times my car has been broken into, went something like this.
“i dont keep anything in my car. not where i park. its not safe.”
and the the subtle feeling that i totally overlooked something.
i overlooked the fact that this is my dad. and that Christmas is right around the corner. and that i cant imagine how hard it is for him to try and Christmas shop for His family. knowing that – quite posisbly – his presents will either be returned un opened, or simply thrown out.
i hurt for him. i hurt because he’s my dad. my father. and ive hardly seen him in more than a year. you could probably count the hours ive seen him total using only your hands…. i hurt, because i cant imagine what he’s going through.
i hurt…. because i see so much of myself…. in him
ive tried so hard to forget all about Christmas being one week away…. ive desperately tried to focus on work… fun… anything.
i didnt ask to know how it felt to know our family would be ‘celebrating’ Christmas in three seperate places…
my dad is trying so hard. soooo hard. and its like nothing is paying off…. i respect him so much for putting forth all this effort. for trying with all he has to make things better. he’s giving his all… and he wont even see his family for christmas.
at least ive got both extended families within driving distance, so i wont be utterly alone on Christmas… he doesnt even have that.
what ever happend to forgiveness? what ever happened to grace? where is the mercy in this?
ill be home for Christmas. you can plan on me. please have snow and mistletoe and presents under the tree. Christmas Eve will find me will the love-light gleams. ill be home for Christmas. if only in my dreams.
His mercy is new every morning….1 hour 45 minutes from now -today will be the past.
and tomorrow will be the present.
and His grace… His mercy and His love will fall afresh.
Lord, may your mercy find me….
i thought that after the year i had…. it would take some big huge thing to bring me to the place of being speechless..surprisingly… it wasnt big. it wasnt something earth shattering…
in fact, in the whole scheme of things – it was quite small
mark – the music manager of the place i used to work…. his final day at my former employers was today.
it stopped me… made me realize – again… that very few things last forever…
all i keep hearing… over and over again – is “final”. or any spin on that idea…
the end
last…
etc.
i dont know why.
i dont know why i feel like ive lived the past few weeks on a very superficial level. shallow. what am i avoiding? maybe i am avoiding something. maybe its nothing tangible. maybe its that the ‘holiday season’ was marked as having officially begun yesterday. maybe its that im afraid that if i dig to any depth, that im going to uncover more. that more will come to light and another part of my soul will be lost.
maybe its that ive lost myself trying to find something to hide behind.
and maybe its just that nothing major has happened. and that ive forgotten what its like to live… and not have to fight for every breath. its scary. because, as much as i want to cling to the hope that this is finally coming to a close… its not. i cant cling to that hope…
my very being aches for the dream of closure… of the “end”. of the grand finale. but its not here yet…
“the hardest thing in this world… is to live in it. be brave. live. for Me.”
thats it… thats me… for tonite. if i could wrap this year into a nutshell, it would be contained in the wholeness of that quote.
im so trying, to live… and not for myself…. but for the one who brought me this far.
and all i want, is to drop to my knees and cry…
i know what it is they see in me
they see You…
i have very little for tonite. just a simple quote from a fictional world.
just a small life in the midst of this amazing galaxy.
just one searching heart – longing… to know the truth.
afraid of making mistakes… and of letting things go.
but knowing he cant continue holding on as hard as he is.
its a phrase we use so often. a phrase that carrys very little weight in today’s society. a phrase that we throw around almost as much as “love”.did you know that the word “thank” is a verb? interesting thought. its a word that demands action. a word that carrys with it in its very essence the weight of responsibilty. it requires us to do something. even if all we do is express it…
im not sure why exactly im on the whole thing of ‘thankfulness’. as i sit and look over the past year or so… im beginning to learn to be thankful for certain things. for friends through thick and thin. for mercy and grace that was new everymorning. for the ability to slowly begin to see His hand in all that happened… or at least, learning to trust that He never left. even when it seemed like it did.
learning to be thankful for things that are still with me… and for the things that are no longer. things ive lost, or that have moved on. things ive move past or that are no longer aroud. to be thankful for people, places and things that a year ago wouldnt have mattered.
my life has irrevocably changed in ways i will never fully comprehend. there may not be a silver lining on every cloud… but im slowly beginning to see some of the rainbow through the storm
right now? im thankful that tomorrow is friday. im thankful for the mercy and grace of a loving God who’s brought me this far… and wont give up on me. even when i do.
i may not be much to look at. and when it all comes down to it, i may not have anything to offer… but all i am – and all i will ever become is because of Him. and for that, im learning to be thankful.
Could we with ink the ocean fill, And were the skies of parchment made, Were every stalk on earth a quill, And every man a scribe by trade, To write the love of God above, Would drain the oceans dry. Nor could the scroll contain the whole, Though stretched from sky to sky.–
as i see it, we humans are both blessed and cursed with an ability that very few, if any other beings posses. that being – the ability to learn from others mistakes.
the blessing side makes the development of indepth and intricate processes and machines something that is possible. it offers us the chance to better ourselves. it gives us the ability to always have a goal beyond what has currently been accomplished.
the curse is that it bears with it a massive responsibility. if we are given the gift, then we must take it in its fullness. responsibility and all. or, we can choose to leave it behind and walk this road completely blind.
in the case of my parents… especially my father, im learning how insanely huge he did mess up. and im terrified of the results of my actions because i either chose to ignore, or was never made aware of my fathers failures. im only 22, and yet sometiems i feel much older. i look back over the past 5-7 years and im so scared of the mistakes ive made. mistakes i didnt know were mistakes… things i was already weakend against simply because my father lived that way…
mistaktes i have made. mistakes that no matter what -in the end- i will have to face the consequences. mistakes… failures, that now bear my name. mistakes that can profoundly impact the rest of my life…
mistakes that ultimately, i have been forgiven of.
im learning about grace. im learning about mercy. im learning -again- that life can change instantly. im learning that ive been called to a higher level than even that of my parents. they’ve been placed in my life so i could learn what to do, and what not to do. it is my responsiblity. it is my calling… this is who i am. and this is what i must do.
i am scarred. i am scared. but with Him, i will overcome.
im 22 years old. and this is my life.
only one thing.just quit trying… if you’re not fighting with your all… then doing it halfway is a waste of time…
my thoughts… for tonite – and yes… im preaching to myself.
thats my hearts cry. i want to be known in heaven as one who jumps in with both feet… and doesnt ever look back.
in all im called to do, i want to give my all…
Lord, that is my prayer…
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 