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i want to crawl into his lap and lay there – no need to fear. no agendas. no work. no responsiblities. just God and me. im tired and i want to… i want to stop fighting for just a moment and rest… get a glimpse of what im fighting for… i want to drop my shield. lay down my guard and feel safe. i want to walk into His presence and never leave. i want to be held. i want…. i need… to cry.its a dumb analogy. but it fits. i feel like a warrior thrust into a battle he didnt start… and i feel ready to collapse.
tomorrow? work. war. battle.
this life i think im living keeps going…
so here i go.
if one statement could describe the years of my adolesence. it was this show.
to say i was captured by it is an understatement. the show enraptured me.
i dont know why. but i connected with kevin on a level i find very rarely.
my point? its interesting how the topic of the wonder years came up. my last post dealt with the “one”. “who” ever she will be. and this post? the wonder years. a show about a boy growing up – next door to the girl… the young lady… the woman of his dreams.
a show that ends with them going seperate ways. i cried. the final episdoe… i honestly cried. i knew a part of me was gone. the brief moments i was allowed a peak into the ficitonal life of that group of people… was gone.
maybe thats pathetic… its interesting how reality can mimic life…
i dunno… just thinkin i guess.
if ive learned one thing from the past 8 months…. its this.
some chances. some oppurtunities. some moments… only come but once. you have the chance, a moment, a split second to grab it – and then its gone. what you do in those few brief moments of actual life… determine how the rest of your days are lived. you’re decisions in those moments – those defining moments – pave the way for the rest of the life you think your living…..
i guess i said all that to simply say this…. i dont want to miss falling in love.
im 22. im single. and i dont know if having done what ive done the past 22 years was worth it all. i had chances… oppurtunities… moments… that came but once. and i passed on many of them. i dont know if i was right in that.
second guessing yourself never gets you anywhere… so im gonna head to bed now. and try not to think. i will leave you again with the quote from last nite.
if you didnt guess, it is from the wonder years.
“All our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope… …all the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there’s someone perfect… …who might be searching for us. ”
im begining to wonder now… is there someone…. that single perfect person… whos actually looking for someone like me? to say its hard to believe it is an understatement.
i live this life one day at a time. and i hope and pray that thoses few times when true life touches this reality… those brief flashes of heaven… those -once in a life time- moments… i pray i wont miss them.
its odd really, because this question has never dogged me so much. ever. i wish i knew what kept drawing me back to it.
what is this question?
the one i find myself thinking about more than mt. dew? more than starbucks?
in all honesty – the question is one word. with major ramifications.
“who”
who is it that i will be waking up next to for the rest of my life? whos feet am i going to get the privilege of rubbing every nite when we relax on the couch? who is going to be there for me when my life falls apart? and who will be the one who gives me the precious gift of their trust when their life comes crashing down? who will be the gift that i get to spend the rest of my life with?
“who”
and oh my stinkin – if i knew why i kept thinking about this. i dont want to think about it. the thought of a serious relationship scares the heck outta me. litterally. i have commitment issues and i KNOW i do. ive got no problems announcing it. i know im no where near ready for an earth-moving relationship like that. i know im not anywhere near in the place where i could be any one of the things that she would need.
but i cant stop thinking about it.
not about any person i know.
but about “her”. whomever she may be.
ive dreamed at least once about “her” in the past week. which – for me – is incredible. i only remember at most maybe 3-4 dreams a year. i dont know “who” she is. and that isnt whats bothering me.
its that i cant stop thinking about her…. thats what bothers me.
well – i wont change anything tonite.
so i leave you with a quote from the tv show that most impacted my teen years –
“All our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope… …all the while wondering if somewhere… somehow… there’s someone perfect… …who might be searching for us.”
and this life i think im living continues…. as for me? time for bed.
goodnite
“the winter heres cold and bitter,
its chilled us to the bone.
we havent seen the sun for weeks…
too long, too far from home.
i feel just like im sinking
and i claw for solid ground…
i pulled down by the undertow…
i never thought i could feel so low,
and oh, darkness, i feel like letting go.”
thats it. nothing more.
right here. this is the time when i miss them the most.
-nite
statement of the nite?
i miss my family.
so much.
so so much…..
it is strange. very very strange. the human heart that is. and the things it attaches itself to.i just finnished a conversation with a good friend of mine. we were discussing my interesting and rather odd connection to a tv show character. ive only seen the show a few times. and heck, id probably hear no end to the mocking of this. but who gives a crap. ive got no time to pay attention to mindless mocking. anyway…
the tv character? buffy – from buffy the vampire slayer.
odd… i know. and i dont understand why my heart breaks everytime i watch the show. i dont. but it does.
buffy… she is chosen to live in a world where she can be close to no one. where she looks and acts like a normal person, but because of forces beyond her control – shes forced to live as one destined to be different. one who… one who knows she has a tremendous destiny yet… she is one who walks it…. alone.
she doesnt understand why she is the way she is. she doesnt understand why she cares so much… or why it hurts so much. she doesnt understand why the one person she ever truly loved in her life was ripped from her grasp. she doesnt understand why she has to walk this road. and she doesnt understand why she has to face the demons she has to. she doesnt know…. and it tears her apart.
her destiny is unlike anyone else she knows. and she understands that much. she lives constantly knowing that at any moment her life could change instantly. knowing that those closest to her could be ripped away. she knows this because it is her reality. its the “cross” she has to bear. its the life shes been chosen to live.
strange huh? i gleaned this much off of a tv character ? maybe its not strange. maybe its because… in this world of instant everything. of the desire to be beautiful and ‘fit in’. of the overwhelming push from the media to be ‘popular’…. maybe in this world – buffy stands for those who know they will never “fit in”. she stands for those who live in such a way that – what you see is what you get. she has no more preconceived notions of who she is… or of whom she is supposed to be. or of her role in this life. she knows she will never be normal. any dreams she may have had have long since died. she knows she cant put anything before the road she has to walk. she has no strength to do anything but keep going. and in her heart of hearts – all she wants… all that keeps her awake at nite…. the only reason she keeps going… is that one perfect person… who she hopes… and prays… that she finds one day. in her heart of hearts… she longs to be loved and accepted solely for who she is.
maybe its so close to who i am its scary.
i dont know why im here. i dont know why ive been chosen to carry this specific cross. and ive no more dreams. ive the strength to put one more foot down. thats all. after that, hopefully another foot. but this is it. this is me. what you see – what you read – is what you get. ive no preconceived notions of who i am. no grandoise ideas of my role in this life. i have a destiny and its unlike any other. this is the road im destined to walk. this is the life i think im living. this is my gift… and my curse.
this – is me.
like returning home to a meal that doesnt come from a box…. or meeting that long-lost friend in the mall one day…
or the many other ways that you realize your special…
ok… new thought proccess
new matrix trailer
gasp
http://www.thematrix.com
i guess i find myself standing at the edge. and honestly, i dont know if it is THE edge… if its AN edge or even if im supposed to be standing next to it. ive lived the last 8 months of my life under constant stress. and all of a sudden – some of the weight is gone and the sun is actually begining to shine. and i honestly dont know what to do now. im almost expecting my world to come crashing down around me all over again.im cautious to the point of fear at being optimistic. i dunno. i guess im just not used to this. not used to having life be pseudo-normal.
i dont have much for you tonite. i guess im just learning that this life i think im living is a definite rollercoaster ride. right now? i cant see anything. i dont know where im going. and i dont know what to do.
for months my life revolved around simple survival. and now its slowly changing. the fight to survive is still there – but ive got to start dealing. and learning. and loving. and honestly… hopefully… trusting.
ok. i could go on. but i should sleep.
goodnite
my quote for the nite. an all encompassing statement.
im exhausted. mentally, physically and emotionaly and i just want a break.
i sent out an email just moments ago requesting to have monday nites free from the ministry i volunteer for at my church.
i also am trying to figure out how to get out of DJing a friends wedding.
i just dont want to.
i quit. i have had enough and something has to give. i need the break and i need it now.
ive got absolutely nothing more to give. i am drained on all levels possible. and this just cant continue…
now what? ive got no clue. but im callin it quits… for the time being anyway.
for right now – the unneccesary in this life i think im living is on hold.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 