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Earlier this week I received an email from a friend that shook me.
We’ve known each other for years and simply fell out of touch. We only reconnected a few weeks ago and as I read her email, my heart broke.
Although I glimpsed only a shadow of what she had fought through, the pain and heartache she endured, I could see clearly that something had changed. There was something new, something that didn’t exist the last time she and I talked.
There was deep hope.
There was this rare, amazing beauty.
There was a strength in her words, tempered steel behind her eyes and in her voice, and a profound confidence in her heart and her God that was beautiful, matchless, and radiant.
And in that, I began to hear the echoes of an ageless truth.
God restores.
As I read and reread the email, I could see it. I could see restoration was there, healing was there. Through the pain and the hell she fought through, the plan was always restoration. Restoration of her heart, of her life and the life of her son.
I will always question why we have to face the battles we do, why horrible things happen to amazing people and why God sometimes seems so distant. But in each battle and in spite of the many questions, I am beginning to see the same truth. The heart of a Father, her Father broken far beyond anything I could ever understand. And through the breaking of His heart, love flows.
A perfect love from a perfect God loving an imperfect person perfectly.
And in that love, restoration. The plan was and is always restoration.
.
Hillsong United – Take Heart
Our God Reigns by Delirious just started and I’m stuck, unmoving beyond today’s devotional from John Eldredge:
Every woman is in some way searching for or running from her beauty and every man is looking for or avoiding his strength. Why? In some deep place within, we remember what we were made to be, we carry with us the memory of gods, image-bearers walking in the Garden. So why do we flee our essence? As hard as it may be for us to see our sin, it is far harder still for us to remember our glory. The pain of the memory of our former glory is so excruciating, we would rather stay in the pigsty than return to our true home. We are like Gomer, wife of the prophet Hosea, who preferred to live in an adulterous affair rather than be restored to her true love.
We are the ones to be Fought Over, Captured and Rescued, Pursued. It seems remarkable, incredible, too good to be true. There really is something desirable within me, something the King of the universe has moved heaven and earth to get….
If your heart skipped a beat, if your soul ached when you read Johns devotional, then you are like me. You know there is more. And whether you are running away from your strength or beauty or towards it, you know it is there.
Could it be that we carry in our hearts the essence of our Creator? Is it possible that as creation, something of beauty exists inside of us?
We are the ones to be fought over. You and I. Prized so much, valued so highly, worth enough to be fought for and over, precious enough to be pursued. You and I, our hearts are valued, valuable, worthy of love. And if they are worthy of love then they must be capable of loving in ways we’ve not yet understood.
So go forward, run after your strength, your beauty. Stumble towards the you that you can be, that you need to be. Learn about your heart, this amazing love, and never be the same.
I sat in traffic Tuesday for a sum total of 2 hours and 20 minutes. That’s a lot of time to think. Especially when you’re sitting at one particularly slow intersection for more than 10 minutes.
I could have gotten frustrated at the situation, at the driver next to me who didn’t understand that “right turn only” meant, turn right. I could have gotten upset at the fact that he then proceeded to cut me off, only to go under the speed limit. I had to fight hard against anger when I realized that Google maps wasn’t correct, and the road I wanted didn’t continue under the highway, but stopped short and started again on the other side.
I sat, and fumed.
Somewhere between 2 and 4 mph, I realized something. I realized that I seem to expect traffic to be light, other drivers to pay attention, lights to turn in my favor and an easiness to accompany me on each trip. When I get in my car my understanding of life disappears, and I expect everything to flow smoothly. I expect ease, when I don’t see it in my life.
Sitting, unmoving, surrounded by hundreds of other commuters all trying to get home, it hit me.
Sometimes in life I’m victorious on the wings of eagles. Sometimes I’m winning, on top of the world and unable to fall. Sometimes you hop on the highway and cruise home like traffic didn’t exist. Other times, you wonder why you got out of bed. Other times, you mess up at work, you offend a loved one. You, I…. fail.
As I sat there, waiting for my turn at the intersection, I understood. This is life.
It is imperfect. I am imperfect. We fall into the trap of thinking that we can control the traffic, and when we realize we cannot, we get frustrated. The crazy thing is, we try it all over again the next day. We think we can make things perfect, and we never will.
Life hasn’t been easy, and we were never promised it would be. Sometimes we will need to fight, to push through the chaos surrounding us, trust the One who is writing the story we’re in, and keep going. Yes, sometimes the road is wide open before us, the sun is shining and all is well in the world. Other times though the road is hard, painful and bathed in tears.
Yes, at times we may look like idiots. We may have to back-up the wrong way down a one-way, we may have to change lanes at the last minute, or jump a curb. We may not always get to chose the roads we’re on, the detours we’re forced to take or the chaos we may have to fight through. But we are promised we do not walk this path alone. And we are promised that we will find things worthy of fighting for. And we were promised, that eventually, we would make it home.
ive been thinking lately, about being thankful.
for the things i have, and in some ways, for the things i dont have.
so many of my friends, people my age, have already settled down. they have a wife, kid(s), dog. they’re already rockin’ the white picket fence american dream. and while part of me wants that, yearns for the evident completeness they’ve found, part of me hungers for something more.
john eldredge describes that unsettledness, that desire for something more as the call of God for us to follow Him. john says “According to the part of the story God has allowed us to see, the Haunting we sense is His calling us forth on a journey.”
i wont begin to pretend i know what this journey is or where it will lead. but i am realizing that it’s not something i’m waiting to start. it’s something i have already begun. and thats something you need to realize too.
this, right here, this moment in time, is part of journey.
st. augustine said that the world is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page.
you are already on your journey. as am i.
and im suddenly realizing that part of me was waiting for something to happen. for someone to come along and give me permission to live life, to chase after my dreams.
i was waiting for something that will never happen.
and if this is true, that right now, im living my story…. if its true that the first pages have been turned, and that the book is already dog-eared, then i need to do everything i can, right now, to live life fully. to explore, fight, become a better me.
i need to learn to love. to walk through the fires before me. to face fears, to dance. i need to learn not just to tread water, but sail.
i need to learn to be thankful for where i am and for where i am going.
yes, eventually, i want what my friends have. i want to look into the eyes of my beloved, my betrothed, my bride, my (eve) and see our stories intertwining as one. i want to see our futures, together. i want to see hope, abundant life, and love ive not known reflected back in those eyes.
i want to see two books, two stories, two, becoming one.
and even if on the horizon of our future lie gray skies full with the promise of storms, i will look forward to the rain, to the thunder, to the tempest. because one day, i wont be sailing alone.
hillsong united – aftermath
what would you do, how differently would you look at life, would you live life if you knew that your heart was the treasure of the kingdom?
thats the question ive been struggling with.
the bible is rather clear about the value of our hearts. Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that’s where life starts proclaims proverbs 4.
all too often, when i read the bible, or when its preached, its done so with a word of caution. a warning. something to heed. it’s almost like we take every verse as a stern thou shalt not! and when we read about this God of abundant life, it never makes sense. we never see it. it never comes to fruition. so we chalk it up to something we have to trudge through ‘by faith’, and we give up on that beautiful life we were meant to live.
but what if that verse wasnt a warning. what if that verse wasnt meant to chastise or correct? but to tell us, show us the value of our hearts? what if the intent was to show us where that abundant life starts?
john eldredge in waking the dead says: “caring for our own hearts isnt selfishness; it’s how we begin to love.
yes, we care for our hearts for the sake of others. does that sound like a contradiction? not at all. what will you bring to others if your heart is empty, dried up, pinned down? love is the point. and you cant love without your heart, and you cant love well unless your heart is well.
when it comes to the whole subject of loving others, you must know this: how you handle your own heart is how you will handle theirs.
and
“what more can be said, what greater case could be made than this: to find God, you must look with all your heart. to remain present to God, you must remain present to your heart. to hear His voice, you must listen with your heart. to love Him, you must love with all your heart. you cannot be the person God meant you to be, and you cannot live the life He meant you to live, unless you live from the heart.”
wow.
what if that verse wasnt meant as a warning? but as a promise? as a road sign? what if its there to tell us that the abundant life He promised, is available? and that its tied to the dreams that were etched on our hearts before we were born?
what if that life is out there? if only we’d take care of our hearts? would i realize that the life i want to see is there? inside of me? and that if i cared for my heart, listened to it, lived from it, that this life would flow out? that id see my dreams come true? would you?
would you realize that life is there? inside of you? etched into your heart by the perfect One? would you realize that there is a reason your heart beats for antiques? or art? or music? or engineering? or dancing? or fashion? or photography? or woodworking?
what if we didnt give up on our dreams? but instead chose to dust them off, pry open the pages of stories long since forgotten and begin to read, again, the words that are etched on our hearts? what then?
what would our lives look like? how would life be different? how much more abundant would life be, if i honestly believed that my heart was a treasure? that abundant life was out there, was available for me?
would it be real? would this abundant life be real? would you see it if you looked at me?
i dont have the answers. but i’m going to challenge myself to find out.
because i believe there is a bigger story out there, bigger than im living. and these echoes we heart in our hearts, the yearning for something more, the ache deep inside that tells us we are not yet complete, they are all telling us that there is more. that we were destined for more. and that our path to this life, begins within our hearts.
your heart was created. by the Creator. with purpose and beauty. a destiny all its own. and you will only find that destiny, that fullness, by following the calling placed on your Heart by the one who traded His life for yours.
so follow Him. find your heart. and live from it.
future of forestry – sanctitatis
i hate being alone.
no, its not that, because i cherish time away from the world.
i am afraid of ending up alone. and i think, if we were all honest with ourselves, we all struggle with this fear.
and if we were to think about it, if we were to really think about it, i think we’d begin to understand that its not being alone that we fear. it is that we fear we’re not worthy of being pursued. that there is nothing desirable inside of us. we do not fear being alone, but what being alone tells us.
that we’re not worthy. that we dont belong, dont fit. that somehow we didnt pass the test. that the sum of our parts didnt add up to a high enough value.
we fear not being loveable more than we fear not being loved.
and that fear hits home.
we cover it, we do our best to hide it. some of us throw ourselves into a hobby, work, our careers, kids or current significant other. we look for answers to that doubt, that fear, in everything and anything we can control.
it’s almost like we were born with a deep-seated knowing that there was, is, something valuable inside of us. something precious. something deserving of love. its like we know, even if we refuse to admit it, that our hearts are valuable. that they are precious, unique and achingly beautiful. its like we understand that there is something of value, rare and matchless, inside of each of us.
and that knowing, because of our past experiences and past wounds leads us to fear ever letting it be seen. so we cover it. and we look for the fulfillment our heart longs for, in the people, jobs and things we surround ourselves with.
and we are never fulfilled.
we were never meant to fill the desire of our heart, to love in a way and be loved in a way we’ve never known, with a career, a relationship, or a hobby. our hearts were designed, created, for something great. to love unconditionally and be loved unconditionally. to be free. to create and love and make music, paint, throw pottery and dance.
our hearts were created for us to find life. true, abundant, beautiful life.
and when we hide our hearts, when past experiences, mistakes, pain, disappointment and fear cause us to lock our hearts away, we become shells of the lives we were meant to live. we become puppets. life becomes a routine, empty, stale unfulfillable.
we need to be reminded of how we were created.
we need to be reminded that we were not created to find our fullness in things, or people. but in a real relationship with the One who sculpted our hearts and knows their scars, better than we ever could.
we need to be reminded that we were destined to live, to find life fully. and to be shining examples of a heart fully alive.
so i challenge you, as i challenge myself, to slow down, to ask the hard questions, to feel the aches that our hearts hide, to fight through them. to learn from our mistakes….
and find ourselves running back home.
to let ourselves, our hearts feel. to be real, honest living people and not the shells we’ve come to believe equal life.
we are not promised that it will be easy. but we are promised that if we hang on and dont quit, that if we follow the One who has created our hearts, then we will find that life, that true, real, pure, brilliant life.
we will get there, we will know life.
and it will be beautiful.
Future of Forestry – Slow Your Breath Down
if you leave I’ll still be close to you
when all your fears rain down
I’ll take you back a thousand times again
I’ll take you as My own
I will sing you songs of innocence
till the light of morning comes
till the rays of golden honey cover you
in the sweetness of the dawn
but you’re always on the run
i turned 31 earlier this month. the day after we celebrated a new year and new decade.
amidst the celebrations of the new year, the goodbye’s to the old, the birthday wishes and cards, something never stopped whispering to me. never stopped making its presence known.
in years past, i’ve always tried to write something about the passing of one year and the birth of another. to somehow close out the past 365 days, and greet the first few days of the coming year. this year was different, and honestly i’m not sure why yet.
i stopped today at a gas station to use the restroom. (i know, bear with me). and as i washed my hands my eyes were drawn to the sign we’ve seen in restrooms everywhere, employees must wash hands. i am thankful for those signs, dont get me wrong. but as i stood there, something occurred to me. that sign, those words, are meaningless, if the employees of that establishment dont honor those words with their obedience.
wow.
our health, the safety of our food products, and quite possibly our very lives are dependent on a little sign stuck in the restroom of our favorite restaurants, grocery stores, coffee shops and gas stations. and it’s not the words, for they carry no power, no might, no strength to provide safety or health. it’s in the obedience to those words, that safety is had. that our meals are healthy. that life is good.
im realizing today that it’s not our words that have power, but its the power we give those words, over us and over others, that really matter.
throughout our lives we will have words of blessing spoken over us. and we will also have words designed to wound and tear, thrown at us from every side. and its not the words themselves that matter, but the value we ascribe to those words. when a complete stranger hurls curses, you brush it off. but if a close friend was to do so, the wound would be deep because we give more value to the words of a friend than those from a random passerby.
i wounded a friend friday night. not intentionally. but i did. i hate typing those words. not because i dont like admitting my mistakes, although i dont. but because i hate wounding those i love. i hate when my words, my actions, or lack thereof tell someone i care for deeply that i think less of them, or that i dont care about them. i hate it, because when i’ve wounded someone, it means i could have blessed them. i could have spoken words that brought life, affirmed, and blessed.
so maybe in a way this is me saying goodbye to 2010 and hello to 2011. maybe this is me welcoming 31. and maybe this is me saying i’m sorry in the best way i know how. because the person, the woman i wounded is an amazing creature.
in 2011, i want my words to mean something. i want to my life to lay bare the words that are imprinted on my heart. i want those i love to never question their value. this year, i want my life to point to something bigger than me, something larger than the 9-5, the 2 day weekends and countless cups of coffee.
that little sign in the restroom isnt just a little sign. it’s a marker. it’s an announcement to all who read it that this establishment values its patrons, their health and well being.
you and i? we may only be a passerby, or we may be the close friend. no matter the situation, we will have moments to leave our imprint on those we come in contact with. in 2011, i pray the imprints i leave behind whisper of more, point to freedom, and remind those around me that love waits for them.
Future of Forestry – Speak to Me Gently
you hear it too. you sense it. especially at this time of year. when you slow down, if you let yourself slow down. you can hear it. echoes of something ancient. something wonderful. something that we know is missing, even if we dont know what it is.
its the call to more. to something more than shopping, more than wrapping and more than the exchanging of gifts. if you allowed yourself the time to feel it, to truly hear it, you’d hear it while you wrapped. while you shopped. and especially when you exchanged gifts.
what we miss, what i miss, is the reason for all this effort; for the time spent looking for just the right gift and for the hours spent wrapping presents in something that will only be torn and discarded. in our rush to find that perfect gift, to wrap the present just so we forget that we are incomplete. we forget that tomorrow isn’t just the celebration of a quaint story, but that it’s the celebration of the birth of a King. of the One destined to bring peace. of the One who holds our destinies in His hands.
you were created with the knowing, the understanding deep inside of your being that you were incomplete, that there is more. you were created to hear that call. to instinctively know it. your heart was tuned to resonate when the call sounds.
tomorrow, when you hear that call, be reminded that a loving God sent His only Son to die for our incompleteness. for our failures. for our screw-ups, mistakes and depravity. tomorrow be reminded that One came, lived a sinless life because we had no hope of doing so, and died a horrible death so we wouldnt have to. tomorrow, remember that we are not alone. that God-with-us has come. tomorrow, when you hear that call. pause. give yourself time to respond.
tomorrow, we remember that He came to bring life. abundant life. tomorrow, we remember that there is hope. tomorrow, mercy is new. tomorrow, you are no longer alone. you are no longer incomplete. tomorrow, more begins. your story is not over. the more is here. you were and are called for more. your life is sacred. you were created with a purpose. and the destiny He holds for you is beautiful.
tomorrow is an invitation. an invitation into the life you are being called into. the life of more. tomorrow, when you hear the call, the invitation, respond.
and never look back.
Future of Forestry – The Earth Stood Still
if you’re anything like me, the word “whole” wouldn’t be one you would use to describe yourself. not your real self. not the you that you don’t let others see. the you that you are when you’re alone. the you that only the closest friends know is there, that you probably wouldn’t be associated with the word “whole”.
more than likely that you is damaged. broken. scarred. and if you’re like most people you’re afraid to actually let that you, be seen. you worry it’s unlovable. ugly. lacking in anything good or beautiful.
you’ve bought into the belief that that you, isnt valuable.
all you see are the scars, the stains of past mistakes, the brokenness and missing pieces.
and the holidays, are especially hard. surrounded by family. by friends who seem to have it all together, you wonder if you’ll ever get to a place where you can breathe easy. where you dont walk around waiting for the other shoe to drop. for someone to lift your shoddily constructed facade and see the real, broken you, that hides underneath.
i’m realizing that this world was never designed to function in brokenness. that we were never meant to live our lives putting on masks, hiding our real selves. not when every stain is an opportunity for redemption. or when every broken piece, a chance for restoration. not when every unlovable part, was covered by unconditional love. and not when One can see through the facade, and love the real you.
Christ’s love makes the church whole.
(eph 5:26)
whole.
His love. makes the church, me, whole.
it’s not instant. i know that. my story is a testament to that. it’s a process. but as we chose to uncover each peace of the real us, that process begins.
He sees you. just as you are. broken, stained. pieces missing, ugly and unlovable. and He loves you.
i know. because He loves me too.
future of forestry – the earth stood still:
a teenage girl and her soon-to-be
a simple trip far as they could see
the sky was clear and the hour serene
but did they know what the night would bring?
lonely hearts strewn across the land
they’d been waiting long for a healing hand
my heart was there and i felt the chill
when Love came down and the earth stood still
when Love came down and the earth stood still
shepherds stood under starry skies
tasting grace that would change their lives
the angels trembled and the demons did too
for they knew very well what pure grace would do
the hope of the world in a baby boy
i remember him well like i was there that night
my heart was there and i felt the chill
when Love came down and the earth stood still
i keep coming back to this song. to how much my heart aches to be written, fully, into the story being told around me.
i get so frustrated throughout the day by the very things that, in an eternal perspective, will never matter. things that carry very little weight, that hold no long-term value or purpose.
and although i started this post a few weeks ago, i’m wondering if it’s turning into an answer to yesterdays post.
because i know, down deep, that belief isnt enough. i know, i think we all know at some level that sometimes there are no shortcuts. sometimes the mountain is there not to be moved, or for us to go around, but for us to learn to climb. sometimes we must go through the storm simply because some lessons cannot be learned any other way.
it’s those times, we learn what trust really is.
and its in those times, that our stories are written. stories worth reading. stories worth retelling. stories worthy of the calling that has never left our lives.
One Sonic Society – Burn
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 