Category Archive

if i disappeared tomorrow, what would i leave behind?  what legacy would carry on beyond just me?  would people tell stories?  would my life be worthy of remembering?

im slowly realizing that each day im alive, i’m gifted with the blessing of a blank canvas, a brush, and a pallet of colors to chose from.  and each day, im faced with the challenge and responsibility of painting how the day will go.  how i will chose to act, and react.  how i will speak, and how i will listen.

what colors do i paint with?  what colors do i chose to use?

what memory will be left when im gone?  what will people remember about me?

im realizing that my lack of deep relationships here in texas directly impacts the depth and passion with which my colors will come through.  there is no deeper a blue, or vibrant a red, no more alive a green than what comes from mixing your colors with those of someone you care for.

friendship breeds color, and the vibrant brightness of life.

when im gone, i want people to look at my paintings and know that i lived a full life.  i want them to see the green of the hills in Ireland, the gray skies of a Scottish morning, the deep blue of Australia’s coral reefs.  i want them to know that the red of my love burned deep, for my saviour, and for my wife.

paintings like that, colors as rich as the experiences this life can offer, dont come overnight.  they’re birthed each day, when you wake up.  when i wake up.  colors like that come from risk.  from allowing yourself to be real.  to be a friend, even when you’re afraid.  colors like that are born from the real, gritty experiences that can be found only by living life fully.

if i want colors that rich, then the blackness of my nights will be that much darker.  the deep blue pain will be that much more sharp.  the gray of loneliness will be that much more real.

life in so many ways is an all or nothing ordeal.  many times, you will not be able to pick and chose the experiences you walk through.  if you chose to live life to its fullest, it will be breathtaking, it will be filled with love.  but you will also feel pain and you will know intimately, the sting of betrayal, and the heartbreak of loss.

i cannot help but feel that when Christ called his first disciples, that deep in their soul, they knew that this calling, this question to follow the One they’d only just met, they knew that His offer carried with it the weight of a life fully lived.  a life filled with the brightest colors this world could offer, but also the darkest nights they would ever experience.

and here we are, 2000 years later still standing in awe of the lives they lived.

i want that.

i’ll take the dark nights, the deep blue of pain and the aching gray of loneliness.  i’ll take those because i’m listening to His call.  and i’m choosing to follow.

My Heart / Your Home – Christy Nockels

i found myself stumbling down memory lane.   not so much memories of what was, but of what could have been.  had decisions been different.  had i been someone in a different place, a different time, many years ago.

and i found myself wondering if she would have been mine.  would we, could we have wound up together?

i’m not obsessing.  im not.  because i havent thought of this person in some time.  but she popped up on my facebook.  and i remembered how sweet her spirit was, how honest and sensitive her heart was.  and i wondered.

my heart broke as the realization came that more than likely, she had in some ways, abandoned her faith.  she had found her solace, in a man.  and although i am thrilled for her.  i hurt too. because of what she may be missing.  and because in so many ways, i am just like her.

how often do i settle for less than His best?  or concede things i should fight for?

would i have fought for her?

when i meet the her im supposed to meet, will i fight for her?  will i fight to keep her safe?  to protect her honor and valor?  to defend her relationship with the Author of this story?  will i be a man who protects and cherishes her heart?  or will i be a point of concession?  a footnote in the story?

love confuses me in so many ways.  but i believe that’s a good thing.  there is a supposed to be mystery, suspension.  something there that doesnt quite make sense but is beautiful and breathtaking and terrifying all at once.  love is supposed to rip you open and completely destroy what you thought was true.  love is supposed to change everything.  its was created to be the pinnacle of this story that we live.

someday, i hope i find it.  but beyond that, whomever you are out there, i pray that i will be man enough to be more than just a footnote in your story.  i pray my love for you, and for the Author of our stories, will be strong enough…. to love you for you.

there are moments in life when we know that something bigger than us, has reached out and in some way, changed our lives. moments when we know that our little lives have been brushed by a beauty we do not understand. with something beyond what we currently know. and although we dont understand it, we instinctively respect and honor it.

maybe it was the first time you saw a couple really in love… and even though it escaped your 10 year old minds ability to comprehend, you knew it was special. and somehow, you knew that someday, you would want that too.

or maybe it was a glimpse into someones future. someone who’s life you’d only have a small part of, but you just knew that this life would be great.

maybe it was at a concert, and hearing a then-unknown artist bare their soul on the stage, you just knew that this time next year, success would rain down upon this person.

whatever it was, you knew you had been touched by greatness. and even if you couldnt comprehend all of it, you knew it was wonderful. you knew it was bigger than you ever could hope to be, and you knew that just being there…. was something to be cherished.

nearly 9 years ago, i was touched by such a greatness. and even though i didnt know how long this person would be in my life, or where it would lead, i knew it was special. and i knew that i’d been given a gift, something… someone to cherish. even if only for a time.

and its this person, this time in history, this reason that i write tonight.

because in a little more than 2 months…. this person gets married.

—

late one night almost 9 years ago, when you rounded the corner in the mall as we were both Christmas shopping, i knew i had stumbled into greatness. into something beyond my comprehension. and even though i didnt fully comprehend it at the time, and probably dont now, i knew it was to be cherished. i knew you were to be cherished.

we all have our roles to play in the lives of those we know and love. and as life goes on, our roles change…. people come, and people go.

it wasnt long after that moment in the mall, that i found myself giving, surrendering you back to your Heavenly Father. i knew you weren’t mine to have. and i knew, i just absolutely knew, that i was only there as a steward. that my calling, my role, was to love and support.

i cannot say i was near perfect, but i knew that you were being saved for the man of your dreams. and i am so incredibly blessed, honored and thankful to know that you’ve found him.

i’m sorry i may not make your wedding, my sisters graduation is the same weekend. but please know i’ll be there in spirit. and the tears that fall will be tears of joy.

why? because i was brushed by greatness… and i am better for it.

someday, i hope to find what you have, and write a story of my own… but for now, jenna marie – go! find out what this thing called love is all about. make babies, throw pots, paint, travel, see the world and live your life to the absolute fullest. because you are destined to do just that. you are destined to greatness.