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i could say so much tonite. but im not going to. im simply going to leave you with what i want my hearts cry to be.
in simple terms –
let me know You love me
let me know Your touch
let me know that You’re near me
and let that be enough
danny chambers-
you alone
so many distractions
that pull me away
too many attractions
that lead me astray
but you come to my senses Lord
and call me Your friend
and im back in Your arms again
You alone are all i need
for You hold my destiny
You alone are all i need, oh Lord
in You alone, i am complete
ive set my affections completely on You
there’s no more rejection
and no more abuse
You melt my defenses Lord
and call me Your friend
and im back in Your arms again
and im back in Your arms again……
You alone are all i need
for You hold my destiny
You alone are all i need, oh Lord
in You alone i am complete
im sitting here @ a friends house right now. in the middle of baking some cookies…and yeah, i just completely destroyed her mixer.
that seems to parrellel my life just a lil too close. sometimes it just seems like no matter what i do, i fail. or, im simply not good enough. im trying. so hard……
looks like rain
fell off the horse again
and i curse the selfish pride that came before
feels like rain
this melancoly mood im in
and i watch the empty glass thats slamming on the floor
sweet Jesus hold us when we’re hurting
and lost, let us find Your way
because we all feel the pain
we’re all waiting for the day
while the hear and now keeps draggin on
and we all hide away, under canopies of grace
to keep us on the rainy days
they will keep us on the rainy days….
looks like rain
i cant find my faith again
and im sure i had it not along ago
looks like rain
falling sideways with the wind
and somehow still believing…
i am not alone.
sweet Jesus hold us when we’re hurting
and lost, let us find Your way.
because we all feel the pain
we’re all waiting for the day
while the hear and now keeps draggin on
and we all hide away, under canopies of grace
to keep us on the rainy days
they will keep us on the rainy days….
currently playing: Hans Zimmers
“Armageddon: Closing Theme”
something came to me just a moment ago.
it wasn’t because of any deep though patterns of my own creation. it wasn’t because ive been sitting here for the past hour pondering the meaning of life… its simply because… ive spent the last year pondering the meaning of life. and ive in no way figured it out yet…
however… listening to this song… the passion… the power. the overwhelming urge invoked to just stand up and give your all.
to something… anything….
somethin just kinda clicked…..
our lives – should be a symphony to our Lord…
something passionate. something powerful. something that invokes others to stand up give their all for something… for anything…
for Him.
well, its over. the day i was both anticipating and dreading.now, i understand that above all else, Christmas day is the day we’re supposed to remember and focus on the birth of our Saviour – Jesus Christ. and i made sure i did that.
its just, i mean – come on. no one wants to spend Christmas day away from home. and i know ive much to be thankful for…
no matter how you look at it, when all was said and done – it was just another day. the sun rose, the sun set. people went about their business. it was one day in the 365 of this soon-to-end year. just another day. and thats how i ended up looking at it. im begining to realize that this life is somewhat easier to handle when taken a day at a time. im not giving up on my dreams for the future… but sometimes its just easier to look at today as the challenge…. the moutain to climb or obstacle to overcome. its the battle that you will face. its today. and today… today, i think i can handle. tomorrow… the future? i know im completely inadequate to handle… but today. today we can get through.
so, without going into details, that – was my Christmas. just another day…. its come and gone and life innevitably will go on.
my family (mom + sisters) had Christmas nite dinner at…. dennys.
dennys. yeah, that just fills me with the warmth and joy of the holiday season. tons and tons. im just oozing with cynicism… i mean, holiday spirit. really.
anyway, i think this concludes my first post Christmas day blog. im going to leave you with a song
gold and silver
stavesacre
You slipped from my arms, I knew you had to go. Such a heavy heart, who could hope to hold. And I know where you’re going, and that’s the hardest part. No matter where tonight ends, you won’t escape your broken heart.
Stay a while
Helpless for the words, and it tightens up the air. It’s not what you deserve, it’s not for lack of care. Inside of me is screaming out, I’m praying for my prayers. Distracting and unworthy of each and every burning tear
Seems insincere
Do I see God in all of this? maybe all along… It’s just that we’re so small, and simply not as strong. Strong like wings of silver, and feathers made of gold. To carry heavy hearts, to cover all our helpless souls.
To cover all of us
Under wings of Gold and Silver sometimes we have to hide. For shelter from this bitter winter at least tonight.
(If it were mine to give I’d give you your own time. Turn it back or forward whatever you decide)
Stay a while
so i talked to my dad today… not at all an unusual event. it happens pretty often. few times a week typically.this time was different. a subtle difference. or, i should say, initially, i hardly noticed it. it came across masked in subtlety.
he asked me this seemingly harmless question,
“i saw a cd holder for your car while i was at the mall today. i had to stop for some errands and i happened to see it. how are you doin on keeping cds in your car?”
and my immediate response, formed due to the number of times my car has been broken into, went something like this.
“i dont keep anything in my car. not where i park. its not safe.”
and the the subtle feeling that i totally overlooked something.
i overlooked the fact that this is my dad. and that Christmas is right around the corner. and that i cant imagine how hard it is for him to try and Christmas shop for His family. knowing that – quite posisbly – his presents will either be returned un opened, or simply thrown out.
i hurt for him. i hurt because he’s my dad. my father. and ive hardly seen him in more than a year. you could probably count the hours ive seen him total using only your hands…. i hurt, because i cant imagine what he’s going through.
i hurt…. because i see so much of myself…. in him
ive tried so hard to forget all about Christmas being one week away…. ive desperately tried to focus on work… fun… anything.
i didnt ask to know how it felt to know our family would be ‘celebrating’ Christmas in three seperate places…
my dad is trying so hard. soooo hard. and its like nothing is paying off…. i respect him so much for putting forth all this effort. for trying with all he has to make things better. he’s giving his all… and he wont even see his family for christmas.
at least ive got both extended families within driving distance, so i wont be utterly alone on Christmas… he doesnt even have that.
what ever happend to forgiveness? what ever happened to grace? where is the mercy in this?
ill be home for Christmas. you can plan on me. please have snow and mistletoe and presents under the tree. Christmas Eve will find me will the love-light gleams. ill be home for Christmas. if only in my dreams.
on a sidenote – i have heard the future of music…
the group? evanscence
the song? bring me to life
cd drops in early 2k3. listen for it now on progressive stations…
when did i get here?
when did i fall?
and how did i end up backed up against this wall?
im trying to find You… ive looked everywhere
im beginning to wonder if You’re even there.
im told i would hear You if id just quiet down…
and im tryin so hard to keep my knees on the ground…
would You please come and be with me…
its a phrase we use so often. a phrase that carrys very little weight in today’s society. a phrase that we throw around almost as much as “love”.did you know that the word “thank” is a verb? interesting thought. its a word that demands action. a word that carrys with it in its very essence the weight of responsibilty. it requires us to do something. even if all we do is express it…
im not sure why exactly im on the whole thing of ‘thankfulness’. as i sit and look over the past year or so… im beginning to learn to be thankful for certain things. for friends through thick and thin. for mercy and grace that was new everymorning. for the ability to slowly begin to see His hand in all that happened… or at least, learning to trust that He never left. even when it seemed like it did.
learning to be thankful for things that are still with me… and for the things that are no longer. things ive lost, or that have moved on. things ive move past or that are no longer aroud. to be thankful for people, places and things that a year ago wouldnt have mattered.
my life has irrevocably changed in ways i will never fully comprehend. there may not be a silver lining on every cloud… but im slowly beginning to see some of the rainbow through the storm
right now? im thankful that tomorrow is friday. im thankful for the mercy and grace of a loving God who’s brought me this far… and wont give up on me. even when i do.
i may not be much to look at. and when it all comes down to it, i may not have anything to offer… but all i am – and all i will ever become is because of Him. and for that, im learning to be thankful.
Could we with ink the ocean fill, And were the skies of parchment made, Were every stalk on earth a quill, And every man a scribe by trade, To write the love of God above, Would drain the oceans dry. Nor could the scroll contain the whole, Though stretched from sky to sky.–
our lives will forever be defined by the choices we make. a life lived without choosing – a life without risk… is a life unlived.
i find myself tonite with my thoughts going in about 10,000 different directions. im very tired yet brutally awake…
emotions are – high – for some reason…
i guess in this life we will always have people whom we connect with…
people who we alike ourselves too….
heros, our role models, those we hope to be like… those who seemingly triumphed in horrid situations…
those who fight not only the demons of this life, but also the demons in their own heart…
those who will walk the road laid before them… do the tasks required… and allow themselves to be broken.
those who know they are called. know their utter inadequate of the calling on their life…
and they’re yet willing – to fail..
to be made a fool of…
to lose friends and loved ones…
those willing to be who they are called to be… those…
those destined to fulfill their calling.
they are the chosen ones.
ones who lay aside all else to press on for the mark of the Higher calling…
this is who i want to be. this is my passion… this is what my heart beats for…. i know now more than ever that very little in this life is permanent… and yet, for this life – its all we have. this is me
so – i am going to continue to fight my demons and the demons of this world… and keep walking.
im not sure what im saying in all this… except…
You changed my world
when You came to me
You drove a passion
in my soul down deep
Lord, to follow You in everything
I dont want to go somewhere
if i know that You’re not there
cuz i know that me without You
is a lie
And i dont wanna walk that road
be a million miles from home
cuz my heart needs to be where You are
so i dont wanna go
and for some reason – they’re always piping a radio station quietly into the lobby….
and this song was playing – most of the words… seemd poignant…
(note: lyrics slightly edited)
while i just heard
the news today
it seems my life
is gonna change
i close my eyes
begin to pray….
then all these tears
stream down my face….
all the times ive heard this song, and i never once read anything deeper into these lyrics….
im connecting with this song on a brand new level.
the songwriter was, amongst other things – terrified.
now, yes – these are the joyus cries of a soon-to-be new father.
but they’re also, the cries of a man who knows he is
utterly incompetent and unequipped
unprepared and underqualified
completely inadequate… for the task set before him.
and so he cries… cries out to his Maker… for help.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 