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is there a reason we’re not honest when someone asks how we’re doing? is there something inside of us that keeps us from simply being real, and telling that person exactly what is going on?
we live our lives so connected, so intertwined with others, and yet so insulated and separate from any sort of real relationship. we twitter, blog, facebook, myspace, text and bluetooth each other more so now than any time in history. yet, when we’re faced with someone who asks that question, we freeze… and more often than not, we ofter a pat answer. dishonest, insincere….
now i realize that if you’re walking by that coworker you met two days ago and they ask how you’re doing, it’s probably not the best time to tell them about having to rub aunt edna’s corns or that your dog had an accident that weekend. i realize that there are times when a smile and an “im good, thank you. how are you?” is just what is needed.
but i also know that we dont share. we dont honestly tell people what is going on in life.
maybe it’s because when we ask someone how they are doing, we honestly dont want to know. we dont want to know about their struggles, challenges, fears, failures, battles and tears. we dont want to know what’s going on beneath the surface.
we as a people have determined that life is better lived in the shallow end of the pool. we prefer the scene, to see and be seen. we prefer the temporal pleasantries of discussing the weather and our dogs, than more eternal subjects like pain, struggle, heartbreak and passion.
what would happen if someone made that choice, that choice to say farewell to the shoreline. to push off the beach, find the deep waters and dive? what would that person look like? how would they live their life if they determined that how people saw them, didnt matter? that playing in the shallow end wasnt enough?
the bible speaks of rivers of water flowing inside of us. inside us. rivers. not streams, creeks, brooks or tributaries.
rivers. inside of us.
thats what i want to see. when i meet someone, i want to be the type of person who isnt scared of looking into the deep places inside of who they are. i want to be someone who can see the heartache, the pain, the uglieness that exists inside of us all, and still love that person.
there is so much more to life that we chose to miss out on, when we chose to only see the shallow end.
i realize, that sometimes, we just need to hide. we simply need someone, someplace to go where we are safe. i realize that not every person out there will be open and honest about who they are, their challenges and fears. there will be many times where i wont be honest. where i’ll tell someone who is honestly asking how i am, that i’m fine…. i’ll offer a smile and pleasantries and ask how they are.
i may not be the type of person who can push off the shoreline and never look back. but im going to go deeper. someone once said you wont leave where you are, until you decide where you want to be. i may not know where i want to end up, but i know there is an amazing world i want to see. and i’ve got a second chance to do so.
for second chances, and for the rivers that exist in each one of us, i am thankful.
Every year as the weather cools and the leaves turn color, i promise myself that this will be the year. This will be the year i start and complete something i’ve wanted to do for some time. That being, 30 days of posts about one thing and only one thing: thankfulness. or more directly, the things i am thankful for.
Thanksgiving is months away and the only color the leaves are turning in Texas is brown. but im going to start my 30 days today. i honestly am not sure why. but here goes:-)
day 1
i am thankful for how much He loves us.
i know i don’t recognize it as much as i should. and i know that if i did, my life would be eternally changed. maybe in some small way, starting out with Christ as my focus will guide the next thirty days into something eye openning. because honestly, thats what i want. i want to be so utterly blown away by a revelation of the greatness and love of Christ that my life is forever changed.
im learning that the boulevards we walk are often paved by the pieces of the dreams we’re forced to leave behind.
im learning that the paths we’re asked to take arent always the ones we would have chosen. and so often, far from those that we expected to be on.
im learning that this thing called grace covers everything. and that it is for the now.
I am the worst of all things here,
my crooked, black, and lying heart still spits its bitter fear.
And each and every sparrow,
You see them flutter to the ground before they die,
So please God don’t forget me.
who am i to withhold grace from someone? what is it inside of me that allows me to determine someone elses worth? who gave me the gavel and declared me judge of the world?
if its true, if what this amazing book says is true, then im not the judge. and beyond that, im not worthy of the role. because the moment i pointed out someone elses faults, my own would stand up to accuse me.
who am i? what am i? im no one. and im in need of grace. daily.
why is the simplest thing about life, the hardest to learn? why is it that i believe i can deserve grace and mercy, yet others are somehow unworthy of the grace that i need?
i know, its been forever since ive posted. and i could talk about how busy work has kept me. or how crazy other parts of life are. i could go into stories and details, but honestly, i’d just be skirting the truth.
that in some ways, ive been running. trying to pretend that everything is ok. when in reality, parts of who i am know that not everything is ok. and maybe thats what this is all about. coming to the realization (again) that i need grace. that i’m human, an utterly capable of failure.
that honestly, i’m still scared. that there are days i feel trapped, and that there are days i feel utterly alive. that at 29, i dont know how to get get from where i am, to where i want to be.
that sometimes responsibility and dreams seem to be directly opposed to each other. and that staying true to one, while keeping the others alive… isnt easy.
when 2009 comes to an end, what will i have stood for? what will have changed inside of me because of the choices i’ve made, and the choices im making? what will have changed in my sphere of influence? will i stand for what i know to be right? even when it means standing up and saying i was wrong?
will i take the road less travelled by and forge my own path? will i hold tightly to the dreams He has given me? or will they simply slip away into the nothingness of mediocrity?
….
honestly, i dont know the answers to those questions. i could tell you what i want them to be. i could tell you what i would want to say on december 31, 2009. but it’s my actions now, my deeds and choices today and tomorrow, that will ultimately write the answers to those questions.
it’s up to me. the choice is mine.
i wasnt ever promised to have the path laid out for me. i was simply told that i wouldnt walk it alone.
so be it.
there are times when you simply find yourself at the end of who you are. and if you’re honest with yourself, the questions you ask arent exactly soup questions. the answers are never easy to find. and if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll dig into those questions.
i think thats where i find myself. so full of questions. clueless. and wondering if the One i chose to follow really has all the answers.
dont get me wrong, im not questioning my faith. im questioning me.
do i have what it takes? can i face this head-on and come out victorious? will i stand up for myself? and the one question that no one can answer but me…. am i a man? have i grown into the man i want to be? if my father were a man worth emulating, would i make him proud? or would he be ashamed of who i am?
in this crazy world we live in, we seem to gravitate toward things that make us feel safe. and when we find those things, we cling to them. even beyond their usefulness, we still chose to cling to them. ever fearing that if we let go and cast off from the thing that offers security, we will drown.
we choose to never see what’s beyond the horizon, or just over that hill… or even meet the people next door, simply because of what we cling to.
maybe its an attitude. or a belief. or, maybe it’s the walls you constructed around your heart. maybe its the ingrained belief that people, all people, will eventually abandon you.
maybe you’ve got very good reasons for the walls you’ve built. you’ve got reasons, and the scars to prove them. maybe you’ve resigned yourself to keeping people at arms length because you feel that if anyone ever got close enough to see how damaged you really were…. you’d fall apart.
and maybe, thats exactly what you want. you want someone to peek in, see the damage and… still. love. you.
you want to fall apart. and let someone else pickup the pieces. simply because you dont know how much longer you can go on, simply holding things together. maybe you go to bed wondering how you carry on. maybe you’ve felt that helpless. and felt that alone. if that’s you, i hope you realize you’re not alone.
because i’m there too.
and i’ve got to believe that life doesnt end when you reach that point, but that it is just the beginning. so im holding on. and i hope you do too.
———————-
so where does this leave us?
just because you feel lost, doesnt mean you are. and just because you may feel utterly alone, doesnt mean you are.
this One i chose to follow holds the entirety of the oceans in His hands. and if His hands are that big, then i know He’s holding me. and He’s holding you, too.
sometimes it can only be said in a song
i sat today and listened. i listened to my grandfather and grandmother. i listened to 55 years of marriage. to a lifetime filled with 6 kids, well over a dozen grand-kids and a overflowing with memories. i listened as my grandfather told me about their honeymoon, and how in the middle of florida they stopped at a roadside orange stand and had the best, fresh-squeezed orange juice they’d ever tasted. about how they bought oranges; a dozen for $0.20.
and more importantly, i listened as he told me that 40 years to the day later, they stopped at that same orange stand, and shared a glass of orange juice.
that was 15 years ago.
i listened to stories of living life. and sat in awe as i realized that my nearly 80 year old grandfather and 70something grandmother drove from New York to Texas to spend time with their daughter and grand-kids. i listened as their stories and memories, both old and new, echoed in my heart. i listened as what they said sank deeply into who i am and stirred even more so, desires and dreams that have long lain dormant.
how would you live if you knew that the memories of a lifetime, a lifetime spent with the one you love, could soon be gone? how would you live if you knew that your time on this earth was shorter than it was when you were 29? would you take the time to listen? to learn? to feel and hurt and love like you always wished you could? would you go out on limb more often than you played it safe? would you, if only for a moment, stop focusing on your five year plan and focus the next five minutes on those you loved?
i’m not advocating living life like your last day on earth is tomorrow, but i know that i spend too much time fearing and preparing for the future. i know i’ve missed opportunities. to go out on a limb, to say i love you, to look like a fool.
maybe i’m realizing that i need to go out on that limb, and tell that person i’ve been thinking about that well, i’m thinking about them. maybe this burning deep inside is a call to go deeper, to pray harder and to fall more so into these arms of grace. maybe i’m learning that living life on a limb, so to speak, is exactly how we’re called to live. we’re called to live as He did. we we’re called to live life on a limb, trusting that if we make a mistake or a wrong decision, that His everlasting arms of Grace will catch us.
we were called to dance as david did. unashamed even if the world thought we were nuts.
so where does this leave me?
not where i want to be. because without His strength, i will never be able to puncture this bubble i’ve so adapted myself to living in. i’ll never go out on the limbs i need to go out on. i’ll never experience the thrill of seeing life from the tops of the trees, and the utter gratitude of feeling His arms catch me when (not if) i fall.
40 years from now, will you have your orange stand moment? will you stand with the one you love, full of memories made, and expectant of memories waiting to be made? will you be able to stand and know intimately the catch of your Saviour? will you have the stories to pass on to your grand-kids? will you look on expectantly at another 15, 20 or even thirty years?
will i?
so maybe this morning i’m remembering what this season represents. maybe im realizing that even though i know the resurrection story backwards and forwards, i am still in need of its reality in my life every day.
the one i call Saviour lived His life loving those who came across His path. He lived His life walking the road, the destiny His Father had chosen for Him. He lived His life to the fullest, and countless generations since then have found the courage to do so, by remembering the life He lived and the impact He had on this earth. i need that courage, that passion, that determination to love like i should, to climb the tree and be considered a fool.
trusting doesnt come easy for me. and if i were honest, id say that praying prayers of surrender and trust, come even harder. i find it hard to reconcile my own experiences with a loving, faithful God who catches those who fall. i find it hard to understand why it feels like i wasnt caught. like i slammed into the ground more times than i can count and why i feel like i’m not somewhere in the tree learning to climb higher, but that i’m on the ground miles from tree i should be climbing.
there was a time when i could let things like this go, that i could just trust and when something didnt add up, i could trust my Saviour to have my best in mind. i could trust His nail scarred hands to keep me.
i know, that when i look back on this time, i’ll realize that He did indeed catch me, and that even though i feel utterly alone, im not. i’ll realize that this is some part of His grand scheme. and that this is birthing in me something deeper than i currently realize.
but ya know what God? i dont see that right now. and i could sure use some light.
the pain will come
with the morning sun
will the night betray the day
blistered skin
withered from within
scratch to shed this shell away
will you know my name
or will i hang my head in shame
will someone take this tired skin
that i’ve been dying in
will someone hold me to the light
and if I die tonight
then take this broken man
and wrap me tight within
this brand new skin
watch me fly
freedom like wings and i will use them
freedom like wings and i will spread them wide
watch me fly…
freedom my wings…
freedom my wings…
and rise
one day my ashes will return to earthly slumber
spread far and wide across the desert and the sea
until then i will live each day in awe and wonder
look forward to each sunrise
at what point does one cross the line from playing it safe to walking off the field? at what point does being careful transform into sitting in the stands? at what point does being responsible equate a crutch? where did we, as a people, learn this fear of doing the wrong thing? where did I learn this fear? since when did i trade living life, for sitting in the bleachers?
Erwin McManus said…
for too may of us, because we fear failure, we are afraid to try. sometimes we live vicariously through the lives of others. instead of being life voyagers, we become life voyeurs. i think it’s one of the reasons we entertain ourselves to death. we find our romance in You’ve Got Mail and we fight our battles through William Wallace and Maximus Aurelius. And there might as well be a glass screen between real life and us because the closest we get to fulfilling our life’s dream is watching them. we’ve accepted our place, our lot in life, as sideliners.
i’ve spent the better part of the past few weeks pouring over internet adds for apartments. ive visited some, called others… and always, always… im finding something wrong with them. and im coming to the conclusion that the apartment isnt necessarily wrong. i am.
i’m blessed enough to be able to afford a nice place. so thats not the issue. the issue is me. its that im afraid of failing. of not finding the ‘right’ apartment. its wanting the path before me to be highlighted and marked prior to stepping out the door. its my refusal to live in the joy of the moment and in the walk of faith.
its crippling. and it needs to stop.
part of it is my fear of how things went last time. and that if i somehow screw up now, the past will simply repeat.
…..
i know i cannot continue to live this way.
people still talk about the lives of those they emulate. william wallace, maximus aurelius, the spartans… all evoke emotion, passion and visions of glory in those who know their stories. people tell and retell their stories because of exactly that truth. they lived lives full of stories worth telling. they did not live safe lives. these were not safe men. they lived, fought, loved, gave, won and lost with all they had.
i dont like life as a sideliner. i dont. because here, on the sidelines, i’m useless. yes, my clothes are clean, i smell good and i’m healthy. out there on the field, i’ll get dirty. on the field, there will be days where i’ll not smell nice. and i promise you, i will get hurt. but at this point, the call is too loud. i crave the adventure. so i’ll take the scraped knees, the cuts and the grass stains and the sprains and twists and possible breaks. i’ll take the bruised ego and the very real possibility of falling flat of my face. i’ll take those risks because standing here on the sidelines means never living the life i want. loving the way i want. painting the pictures i want to see. hearing the music i want to hear.
i’ll take those risks because standing here on the sidelines, living life vicariously through others, drowing the love that burns inside of me, and swallowing the dreams that keep my heart alive will eventually destroy me. i’ll be a nice looking, good smelling, healthy shell of a human being. i’ll be dead on the inside.
and i refuse to live that life.
there is a woman out there. a woman who i am destined to love. and i will not be a safe man. when i find her, i will love her with a love that has been tried through the fire, a love that was won with scars and pain and stories worth telling. i will love her with all i am and each end every day, when i close my eyes, i will know i loved with everything i had. because i will not live a quiet safe existence.
i will live a life full of stories that are worthy of being told.
i’m not saying i’m ready, or have prepared as i should have. but i think its time.
maybe… its actually beyond time.
part of me is terrified that i’ve missed it. that i spent so much time living life vicariously through others, through my hero’s…. that i’ve missed my chance. that the things i want to see, the life i want to live… that it’s passed.
what i do know, is that i’m changing. the things that satisfied at one time, no longer do. and that, honestly, i’m lonely. i ache for closeness. for the knowing smile of a friend. the tangible presence of someone you know wont judge.
i’ve spent a large portion of the past 5 years emotionally on my own. carrying weights i never meant to pick up. and now, i’m wondering, how much longer.
so maybe this isnt me so much saying that it’s time… maybe this is me knowing that ive played my hand.
maybe i’m hearing the voice. the voice that called me to this place in time nearly 5 years ago. maybe im hearing it call me to something new. and maybe this is the small beginning.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 