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my everything

July 30, 2003 in The Soundtrack | by Peej | Leave a comment

Lord im tired
so tired from walking
and Lord im so alone
and Lord the dark is creepin in
its creepin up
to swallow me

I think ill stop and rest here awhile

and this is all i can say right now
and this is all that i can give
and this is all that i can say right now
and this is all that i can give
thats my everything.

oh did You see my crying
oh and did You hear me call Your name?
and wasnt it You i gave my heart to?
wish You’d remember where You set it down

and this is all, oh its all i can say right now
i know its not much.
this is all that i can give
thats my everything.

i didnt notice You were standing here
i didnt know that that was You Holding me
I didnt notice You were crying too
i didnt know that that was You washing my feet

this is all, this is all that i can say
i know its not much
this is all that i can give
yeah, its my everything

this is it

July 29, 2003 in Life, Love | by Peej | Leave a comment

i cant begin to describe how much ive changed.

ive dropped things i didnt think i was carrying….

just earlier this evening i decided to write off soda from my diet completely.

i know, its a stupid example, but if you knew me, you’d know it was big.

i know im scared. more so now, than i was 6 months ago. i dont understand whats happening in my heart. and i know… i just know, something big is coming. and its coming fast.

change is coming.

i have this nagging thought that soon, im going to have to take a leap… and launch myself into the unknown.

I swear ive no idea where what im feeling is coming from.

this is it.

this is soooo gonna be it.

the line is coming. a choice will have to be made.

i dont know where, i dont know how… i dont even know what the choice is going to be, but its coming.

the leap – is coming…..

welcome to the beginning of the unknown.

dont hold back

July 28, 2003 in Buffy, Friends, Life, Love | by Peej | Leave a comment

change.

it is coming.

in actuallity…it is here.

here is to embracing changes.

to uncovering diamonds that you simply never saw among the coals…

and to risk.

to risking it all. to putting it all out on the line. to being 100% gut level real.

to saying –

take it or leave it. this is me. ive got nothing more to offer. but i can promise to love you with all i am.

to those who are saying that already – i say continue to press on…

and to those, like myself, finding themselves on the brink of change…. my hearts cry… my passion… is this.

dont hold back.

who knew?

July 27, 2003 in Life | by Peej | Leave a comment

change will forever be the one constant in our life. its our responses to change which determines the type of people we are, and the type of relationships we have. change will always come. and, most times, we will not be able to control much of it.. but to those who determine in there hearts to truly live…change is not something to fear and run from….

change is to be embraced.

im not sure where i fit in all of that aside from saying that yeah… im going through change.

its scary.

but i wouldnt have it any other way…

for you see, i know the One who is ultimately in control of the change…

all the worlds a stage….

July 27, 2003 in Friends, God, Life | by Peej | Leave a comment

so im going to launch tonites posting without a title. however, i have this feeling that a title will be found as i wind my way through my thoughts.of which, ive only two.

have you ever been having a conversation with someone and only realized something… or only had something hit you – when you hear it come out of your own mouth?

i did.

tonite.

wow.

i dont know what to think right now. and im no where near sure if anything is even ‘right’.

but i will say

wow.

and…. to end the nite….

in each moment of life… in each, scene in this great play…. we’re given a specific role. some of us may at times be the star of the show… at other times, we may play supporting roles. in other scenes, we may be nothing more than background and filler… or even props… and then there are the times when we’re called to be nothing more than the guy who sweeps up the auditorium after the show…

in each scene of my life, i want to be where im supposed to be…in the role im supposed to be doing. be that star, tree, or janitor…. i do not care…i simply want to be right where im destined to be.

and as the curtain closes on tonite, may you find rest for your souls under His wings… and in His peace.

(nannyk8 – call me?)

romance is in the air isnt it?

July 26, 2003 in Life, Love | by Peej | Leave a comment

i think i said that just a little while ago.last month to be exact? i think ill repost that. just to be clear.

——–
i havent given up….

its a funny thing, isnt it. romance that is. at the very moment when you’ve given up on ever finding it…
it simply walks into your life like it was always there.

i’d be careful if i was you, or you may miss it. for you see, romance can form in unexpected places… and in unexpected persons.

i say all that to simply say this…

i havent given up. not yet.

i choose to believe that there is someone out there…

someone who, when she speaks… my world stops turning. when she looks at me, i realize my world is a much smaller place… because i see my future in her eyes… someone who makes me want to be a better man…

i havent given up…. not yet.
———–

so maybe my post was on the right topic, just somewhat off center as to whom it was for.
either way… congrats to beebs and mr. italiano. one week officially at 2 am saturday morning.

now the question thats been haunting me all week this week has had to do with romance.

for those of you who know me. for the past year and a half ive written off a ‘significant other’ so much so that i was almost anti-romance. and wouldnt ya know…. somethings just gotta go and change. i dont honestly know what it is that has changed. but it has. something inside me…. maybe its not changing. maybe… maybe the yearnings in my heart for a ‘special someone’ are just slowly beginning to reawaken with the light of day. maybe its….oh who knows. its 2 am almost and im more than exhausted.

and sleep just wont come.

* * * **

July 23, 2003 in Life, Love | by Peej | Leave a comment

im afraid its real.
im afraid its not.
im afraid its what i think it is.
and im afraid that its just my pathetic attempt to keep myself from getting hurt again….

im not sure what to think…

its a double edge sword.

girls are weird

July 22, 2003 in Love | by Peej | Leave a comment

aac6202: girls are weird pj
aac6202: dont move on yet

the most true phrase ive heard all nite long.

so yeah. they are weird.

and no, im not gonna move on.

not yet.

passion…

July 22, 2003 in Buffy, Life | by Peej | 1 comment

i would like to post tonite.
to pour out my soul… to bare it all and just be real…

but tonite…

tonite i cant.

because honestly, for the first time in my life…. im beginning to question my feelings.

im beginning to wonder if what im feeling is real.

and if so, is it right?

all i know is that ive never felt this way before. and its terrifying.

so, for tonite… i leave you with this.

Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting. And though unwanted, unbidden. it will stir. open its jaws and howl. it speaks to us… guides us… passion rules us all. and we obey. what other choice do we have? passion is the source of our finest moments. the joy of love… the clarity of hatred… and the ecstasy of grief. it hurts sometimes more than we can bear. if we could live without passion, maybe we’d know some kind of peace. but we would be hollow. empty rooms, shuttered and dark… without passion, we’d be truly dead.”

fire

July 21, 2003 in Friends, God, Life | by Peej | Leave a comment

maybe its the realization that life will always keep going. even when our life falls apart. the world doesnt stop. maybe its just the determination to put that one foot in front of the next… and just continue to keep going.

hope isnt a beautiful uplifting thing… its the decision to breath through water-filled lungs.

i made the decision long ago…. to allow myself to expierence feelings fully.
whether it was joy or pain… completion or loneliness… whatever it is, i choose to feel… to live… fully.

and i make that statement again.

this life i think im living will never again be normal. but i choose to live it fully.

july 19, 2003… a date that will forever be burned in my memory.

welcome to the war….