FindingTheCourageToDream.com

bottom line

October 21, 2002 in Buffy, Life | by Peej | Leave a comment

“Bottom line is, even if you see ’em coming, you’re not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So what are we, helpless?

Puppets?

No.

The big moments are gonna come. You can’t help that. It’s what you do afterwards that counts. That’s when you find out who you are. You’ll see what I mean.”

-Whistler

my quote to end the nite

a very long day.

and ya know what? i think im gonna let things rest here tonite. for now – i need to take off my running shoes and realize the race will be there tomorrow. even if all i see is the next few moments of blacktop – the race will still be there tomorrow.

so for this nite… and this moment…
and to those of you who have posted to my blog recently – ys and me – thank you. and goodnite

this night…

October 16, 2002 in Life | by Peej | Leave a comment

this night is a canvas. blank and empty. im no good with paints, my colors never match, and i’ve never created a “work of art”. i have no skill to create anything beautiful… all i have is this canvas, it will only be with me tonite. so i will do my best. its not for you, its not even for me. this night is a gift.

wherever You are…

October 14, 2002 in Buffy, God, Life, The Soundtrack | by Peej | Leave a comment

our lives will forever be defined by the choices we make. a life lived without choosing – a life without risk… is a life unlived.

i find myself tonite with my thoughts going in about 10,000 different directions. im very tired yet brutally awake…

emotions are – high – for some reason…

i guess in this life we will always have people whom we connect with…
people who we alike ourselves too….
heros, our role models, those we hope to be like… those who seemingly triumphed in horrid situations…
those who fight not only the demons of this life, but also the demons in their own heart…

those who will walk the road laid before them… do the tasks required… and allow themselves to be broken.
those who know they are called. know their utter inadequate of the calling on their life…

and they’re yet willing – to fail..

to be made a fool of…
to lose friends and loved ones…

those willing to be who they are called to be… those…

those destined to fulfill their calling.

they are the chosen ones.

ones who lay aside all else to press on for the mark of the Higher calling…

this is who i want to be. this is my passion… this is what my heart beats for…. i know now more than ever that very little in this life is permanent… and yet, for this life – its all we have. this is me

so – i am going to continue to fight my demons and the demons of this world… and keep walking.

im not sure what im saying in all this… except…

You changed my world
when You came to me
You drove a passion
in my soul down deep

Lord, to follow You in everything

I dont want to go somewhere
if i know that You’re not there
cuz i know that me without You
is a lie

And i dont wanna walk that road
be a million miles from home
cuz my heart needs to be where You are
so i dont wanna go

thank you

October 13, 2002 in Friends, Life | by Peej | Leave a comment

this life, no matter what we do… will always continually give us choices to make.

earlier tonite i walked into a consequence of choices ive made…

and i learned something about myself.

i accepted what had happened. i accepted the circumstance, the consequence of my choice…. and im allowing myself to deal with it.
i may not be able to accept it with joy yet… but im growing. im changing. im not who i was yesterday and i wont be the same tomorrow.

ive said it before, and ill say it again…
i may not like the road i am on… but im learning even more so, that its not the destination…
its the journey. tomorrow… is important… but most important – is now…

so to those of you who impact me… who i consider friends. who love me for who i am…
and to those i trust….

thank you…
for being now

you’ll never fully understand how much it means to me

my actions

October 10, 2002 in God, Life | by Peej | Leave a comment

i love you… but i dont know if i trust you.

my quote to end the nite.
vauge i know.
you can ask for more… but i probably wont give it.

joshua was given hundreds of square miles as his inheiritance..
as Gods chosen people…

and one mistake…. one moment of doing a “good” thing – instead of the “God” thing…

led to a loss. a loss of what was rightfully his. as loss that his people have felt for generations.

may my actions now and forever be “God” actions… and not just “good” actions.

relevant

October 4, 2002 in Life | by Peej | Leave a comment

If you are convincingly told that you are precious and valued, enough to open yourself to believe such a possibility, and are not treated that way, then slowly the ache of betrayal grows. These very same words that thrilled your heart before become hollow and bitter, falling flat because there is no substance behind them. True commitment, true devotion would not allow such a thing to happen. Sadly, the brokenness left by betrayal is more common than one would hope for.

my relevant thoughts for the nite…

came walkin into my apartment building at 10pm tonite…

October 3, 2002 in God, Life, The Soundtrack | by Peej | Leave a comment

and for some reason – they’re always piping a radio station quietly into the lobby….
and this song was playing – most of the words… seemd poignant…
(note: lyrics slightly edited)

while i just heard
the news today
it seems my life
is gonna change
i close my eyes
begin to pray….
then all these tears
stream down my face….

all the times ive heard this song, and i never once read anything deeper into these lyrics….
im connecting with this song on a brand new level.

the songwriter was, amongst other things – terrified.

now, yes – these are the joyus cries of a soon-to-be new father.

but they’re also, the cries of a man who knows he is
utterly incompetent and unequipped
unprepared and underqualified
completely inadequate… for the task set before him.

and so he cries… cries out to his Maker… for help.

random update

October 2, 2002 in Friends | by Peej | Leave a comment

nothing much tonite, its off to bed in just a few
11pm… wow:-) someone should be proud.
on a small sidenote… someone commented back on sept. 26 – they only signed as “me”… id love to know more about this mysterious person…

i guess ill just have to stay tuned.

as for the rest of this life i think im living….
let me thank nannyk8 and pookie for their support through this time…
nannyk8 – thanks for the emails and comments… ill reply. i promise
pookie – you rock. thank you. for everything.

ok, nite for now.

surprises

September 30, 2002 in Life, The Booklist | by Peej | Leave a comment

i know i probably should be mature enough to not be surprised by this….
i know ive probably learned enough about this thing we call “life” to be aware enough to not be caught off guard…
i know i shouldnt be sitting in stunned silence…
i know… but i still am.

i sit here. blown away, bewildered, convuluted, stunned into silence….
my life has changed… again. all over again. in a moment.
in a moment my day went from ‘ok’… to ‘oh my god’.

…an excerpt from Hinds Feet on High Places….

“…she had been down into egypt and had looked upon the grinding-stones, the wheel, and the furnace, and knew that they symbolized an expierence which she herself must pass through. Somehow, incredible as it was, she, Much-Afraid, had been enabled to accept the knowledge and to acquiesce in it, and she knew within herself that with that acceptance a gulf had opened between herself and her past life, even between her past self; a gulf which could never again be closed….”

for weeks now ive had this sense, that “it” wasn’t done yet, that the burning wreckage of my ‘family unit’ hadn’t crashed landed yet. and, i was right. it seems that before it slams permanently into the earth, it may have some flammable cargo still waiting to explode. today, something huge blew up. and whats worse, the repercussions haven’t even been felt. yet.

welcome – to the begining of the end….

its funny isnt it

September 29, 2002 in God, Life, The Soundtrack | by Peej | Leave a comment

i had an entire blog all typed out, and one mistake on the keypad and bam… its all gone.
so here i am… left with a blank page…

a new page.. a page untouched by todays blemishes…
something clean..something pure…
like the day that has just begun…

anyway, my thoughts for nite…

if its true that this life we live is a road… then sooner or later, if you fight hard enough… and forge your own path… you will come to… you’ll come to your edge.
the place in your life where you just know you’ve gotta make a decision… and the decision will forever impact who you will be… as a person, in your life… and those who know you and call you friend.

thats me. thats now. thats my life. this – is my edge

a new day
the sun is shining
seems I’m closer to finding
that life is more than where we are
no way that I am TURNING
as long as the sun is burning
now it seems that all I want is you

so – for this moment in time… for this place in the road im called to walk… ive made a decision, and now – its time to “go public” so to speak. to make my ‘statement’.
my prayer.
my hearts cry…

its simple really….

Lord… i am utterly lost without You. ive never been more aware that i can not do this on my own. that i can not walk this road… under my own strenght. Father, its simple. i need You. i need You in all i am. come, take control. take my unbelief. take my fear. burn me with Your eyes and see into who i am really am. take everything away that isnt You. lord, i need You. come, Father – lead me and i will follow.

I try to make my way to you
but still I feel so lost
I don’t know what else I can do
cause I’ve seen it all
it was never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you

dont give up on me yet…. dont forget who i am… i know im not there yet, but dont let me stay here alone.

Lord, i am yours. ive done all i could, forgive my faults and lead me on. ill go where you lead and ill do what you want, just take me with you. i cant stand being away from who you are.

im gonna fight. im gonna continue on in this road im on and Lord, if im wrong, please show me. and even beyond that, help me to trust you for all things. all things……