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its finally happened. the paperwork has been filled out. all that is needed now is a trip to the courthouse. my parents divorce is only days away.
its been 5 years to get to this point. and now that its almost here, i have no idea how to feel. to be honest, im not even sure ‘if’ i feel. i feel numb. and in more situations than just this one.
i mean, come on, this is huge. isnt it? or at this point, is it a non-event? is this parsley on the dinner plate; the ‘final touch’ but basically pointless?
i know, its good to have it on paper, legally. but wow, i dont feel anything.
i wrote the following back in july 2006, while on vacation in florida. i was dealing with a lot of different thoughts and emotions and i felt… i hurt. and i wrote. and this was what came out.
july 2006
more than a thousand miles from the place i call home, and less than a thousand feet from the atlantic ocean. welcome to my vacation. im about halfway through my time here in florida. the weather has been beautiful. hot, but unlike texas, a constant breeze. and the nice thing is that it actually cools off in the evening. I have had a productive few days; ive made friends with the local wildlife (that being, we now have 2 or 3 families of ducks that come right up to the sliding glass door on our deck looking for breakfast / lunch / dinner / snack), ive learned that playing chicken with waves when the tide is coming in all but guarantees that you will lose and ive driven all over I95 and can tell you quite a bit about it.
and on a different level, at dinner today i realized that im not as infatuated with “fun” and “doing things” as i once was.
maybe its because of how long its been since i spent more than a few hours with those i consider close friends. with people from NY. but im realizing something the longer im here. i dont want fun. i honestly dont. id give up all the fun of this week for 2 hours, 2 solid hours of uninterrupted, unhindered, open, honest communication. id love to just be honest and real with someone, anyone. id love to meet someone here other than the cute but non-communicative feathered natives. i mean; they honk, and they’re very adapt at letting you know exactly what they want, but they dont make the best beach walking companions.
maybe its me, maybe im simply sabotaging my own chances of having exactly what i want. maybe im…. afraid of speaking up and saying, “you know what, i really dont want to spend the day walking around outlet malls” and “no, im not ok. im not ok with life. im not ok. i miss my sister. i hurt. my god i hurt. and i just want to stop hurting”.
maybe im simply realizing that im angry. angry at God for the past two, heck… 5 years. angry at the loss. at the take-your-breath-away feelings of loss and abandonment. maybe im realizing that i cannot continue to be angry, to be hurt; but that i must start asking the hard questions. i need to realize that wounds cannot heal until they are felt. i cannot experience the life i want until i experience the life i have. until i let myself feel the hurt, the pain, the abandonment, the questions of why. the screaming that is ablaze inside of me cannot be quenched. no amount of retail therapy or quiet sessions on the beach, no amount of good times or hanging out with those i consider friends will put out the fire that is fueled by hurts that go beyond emotion and scar the very fabric of our beings. soul hurts are the hardest to heal, because for some reason we humans believe firmly that they are things we should never talk about.
im dying to talk. i guess thats what im getting at. im dying for someone to simply say they care. i dont have any idea where to go with these feelings. and im lost as to how to handle them.
maybe thats where having a father figure comes in handy. i mean, im 26 years old and im slowly coming to the conclusion that if you have a father figure in your life for only one period, it would be between 18 and 25. those are, for me anyway, the times when who i was began to fade and the man i am to be, started to form. and im sitting here now and i can honestly tell you i have no idea what it means to be a man. none. period.
im lost. and that thought scares me more than anything. i have NO idea how to act around a woman. now, dont get me wrong, i can treat a lady right and i can be the gentleman…. but im 26, and im single.
i dont know how to handle the overwhelming feelings of utter incapability to be who i am supposed to be. a breadwinner, the head of a household, maybe even a father of my own one day. and yet, on that same token, i cannot imagine bringing kids into the picture. i dont have a clue on how to be a father, so why would i want to bring children into the picture?
im realizing that i dont even know how to judge my own growth.
im reading “to own a dragon” by donald miller right now. its his reflections on growing up without a father figure. i only picked it up yesterday and its already moved me to tears. i see myself in his writings. its scary.
don talks about a special he saw on the national geographic channel a few years ago. a documentary on elephants. 20 orphaned elephants that were rescued and brought to a wildlife preserve. he spoke of watching these adolescent males enter into well, puberty. and how during this one time in puberty (that mind you, is supposed to only last for a few days) an elephant in the wild separates himself from his mother and begins to seek out an older, more mature male elephant. when found, these two become almost inseparable. the elder male teaching the younger the finer points about being an elephant; how to handle the pressures, feelings, strengths and weaknesses that elephants inherently have. and the younger elephant offering protection to the older male.
its during this time in an elephants life that elephant children die, and the elephant adult is born.
unfortunately, the adolescent males that the documentary followed were unable to find elder males to help shape, mold and guide them. this led to a period of ‘sexual frustration’ which was only supposed to last a few days turning into a much longer ordeal. these physically adult males were lost. they had no idea how to handle the stresses, pressures and feelings which burned inside of them…. and it led to outbursts which i did not realize happened in nature.
these young elephants would amble up beside an unsuspecting rhinoceros at a water hole and with no warning would plunge their tusks into the rhino, pinning it beneath the water until it drowned.
they were that frustrated. and that lost.
i am that frustrated. and that lost.
maybe youre one of the lucky ones who grew up in an intact home. who never had to feel the sting of being left behind, of losing all you hold dear. maybe you dont know what it means to have the closest person to you walk away, walk out of your life and never look back. if you are, consider yourself lucky.
there has been this ache, following me. overflowing into everything ive done the past few days. and the thing is, ive no idea where it is coming from or how to handle it.
im on vaction. and i cannot get over this. i dont even know what “this” is. im just, lost. and hurting. so much.
and i want to go home.
can you believe that? im on vacation, and i dont fly out for another 3 days…. but all i can think about is how desperately i want to go home. my god there must be something wrong with me.
maybe i had this idea of how this vacation was going to go. maybe i had too many hopes and dreams of refreshing, of revitalization, of renewing and re-energizing. maybe what i wanted, and what was supposed to happen on this trip dont line up. im not actually sure.
but i do know that i should be able to say that im wishing i handnt spent the money. that i could be working right now and doing something productive with my time.
would someone please tell me what is wrong with me?
———-
i almost feel like i need to post a disclaimer, and say that florida was amazing. because it was. it absolutely was. its 300+ photos of one of the best weeks in my life. it was 8 days with people i love more than life itself. the trip would have been worth 10x what i spent. i dont regret going in the least. heck, im already planning for 2007.
but sometimes even in the midst of paradise we need to deal with the dark areas of the soul. and by writing the above, i was doing just that.
life is not only watching the moon rise over the ocean… its also the fight to simply reach the shore.
what i wrote may not be fully correct, or right. but you know what? it came out of who i am. it came out of the moments, the places inside of my heart that are still beating. it was honesty. and im afraid that im losing that. that im somehow losing the ability to feel things deeply.
i want more of that. i want honesty. i want moments without make believe.
at this point? id rather simply be real and be absolutely wrong; id rather expose the dirt in my heart and simply be real, be the me that i am, than be right and be fake… and die on the inside.
i hunger for the storm. i hunger for the moments when i cant help but rely on someOne else to save. i dont want to be self sufficient.i almost feel like im drowing in this abyss of normalacy. and i dont want that. i dont.
i used believe in
some kind of feeling
that could change everything i thought i knew
but that door has closed
and my heart feels like its frozen
if You hear me
i cant feel You
there are times in our lives when we are dealt more emotions than we know how to handle. than we know what to do with or are capable of understanding and working through. its during those times when i find myself writing the most. and posting the least.
there is beauty to be found in the hardest times in life. a beauty that is unnoticed, unacknowledged any other time.
this beauty is found in times of loss. of realizing that this world and all it contains, is infinitely larger than we are. its beauty found only in the realization that we’re not in control. and that no matter how hard we try, or how good we are, we never will be in control.
there is a beauty here, an amazing grace to be found, a glistening newness that comes when we; with tears streaming down our face drop to our knees and whisper our surrender. our acknowledgement that we cannot do this. that we are not in control and that we will never be good enough.
the thing is, its only when we’ve seen this in our own lives, when we’ve dropped to our knees and surrendered… that we are given the gift of seeing it in the lives of others.
im realizing that its in those moments of surrender that we find the strands of real life. you may find these moments during a quiet night on the beach, or in the glaring reality of losing someone you loved. you may see this depth in someone you know, and see it in the for the first time… or you may recognize it in the eyes of a complete stranger.
whatever you do, wherever you see it, in your own life or in the eyes of someone else; embrace it. love it.
i must believe that life is worth living, that those moments of painful surrender bring true life. and i want that. so badly.
i dont exactly know where this is headed. other than to say ive come across to many coincidences for this to be well, coincidence.
its september 10th. its been 5 years since the world shook. since my world began to crumble. and the road to texas started to form. 5 years of so many changes. of so much pain, and so much learning.
and to tell you the truth, in some ways, i miss the pain. the searing heat of knowing you were changing. of knowing that you had to survive. of knowing that this was it, this was your defining moment. this was the time in your life when you became the next phase of whoever you were going to be.
god knows i want that again. i want to move into whatever it is i am supposed to be. i want to feel the heat of the fire, see the dead in me burn in the flames, and see new growth rise from the ashes.
i want to lose sleep, be uncomfortable, look weird, act strange and be thought of as a freak from “normal” christians.
i want more of God. and i want to want Him even more. i dont want the highlight of my week to be something ‘fun’. i want encounters. i want revival, regeneration. i want passion and fire and hope and dreams and words of prophecy. i want life changing fire in my soul. and i want to want this more.
::deep sigh::
i spent a portion of today cleaning up the blog. beginning with the archives (oldest first) and working my way towards the present i hope to categorize, and in some cases repair the titles of my old postings. im not making any content changes. just cleaning up. sometime long ago i unfortunately lost the titles to a number of my postings from 2003-2004. its a bummer, but its actually blessing me as i know have to reread posts ive not read in years to try and title them again.
which brings me to my next point. lipstick. well, lipgloss to be more precise.
i found your lipstick earlier this week. covergirl 014b. “hint of pink”. it was in the pocket of a sportcoat ive not worn in a long time. one of the last times i wore it, i was at the country club, for a company dinner. with you.
maybe im seeing something here were there isnt anything other than random coincidences. but i felt the need to say something to you. heck, i dont even know if you read my blog anymore. but either way…
i miss you. i know, im shocked too. i honestly am. and im not saying “lets start talking” or anything like that, im simply admitting that you were a tremendous blessing in my life. a wonderful friend and yes, i do miss you.
i hope you’ve found happiness. i hope you’re learning daily how amazing the love of the Father is towards you. and i hope above all else, that you’re eyes remain steadfast on the One who will never leave you or forsake you. you deserve the best that this life has. and i pray you receive it.
september 11 is 4 minutes away. and for a lot of the nation, it will be a day of remembrance. a day full of moments of silence, of remembering and mourning for those lost. i can still remember what i ordered for lunch that day. and beyond that, i remember those whom i had lunch with.
may this week remind us that there is a time to remember and a time to mourn. and that death can come for anyone at anytime. but most importantly, may we be reminded of the things, the people both past and present, that made us alive. may we be reminded that there is still hope, that the One is still one the throne and may we always remember that life will rise from the ashes.
ever have one of those moments where you know you have something brewing inside of you and you just cant get it out? just not yet?
this is one of those moments.
—-
there are times in our lives when we are sure of only weaknesses. when all we know is the utter failure we brought upon ourselves. and during those times we cry out and pray, we hope and dream of a time when the “rest of our lives” finally arrives and we can move beyond the bleak gray-ness of knowing nothing but our own failures, faults and shortcomings.
but then we get to the otherside. and if we dont hold close to that feeling of inadequacy, we lose our way. we lose the dreams that were burned so deeply into our core during the times when all we could do was dream. we get caught up, distracted in the day to day. the job. the menial work that fills the time between moments of real life. our dreams are brushed aside by meetings, deadlines, excel spreadsheets and venti white mochas.
we lose the clarity we had in the storm. we lose ourselves in our own security.
i hear this voice inside of me. crying out. i know that this voice is screaming for all its worth, but i only hear a whisper. and that scares me. its crying out for me to continue to push into real life. to lay aside the spreadsheets and deadlines, and even if just for a moment… dream. daring me to open my eyes and imagine that there is more to this life than matching sox and nice dress pants. more than getting to work on time and annual reviews.
this voice is calling me to remember the dark times. to remember the times when all we had were dreams. when life was hard, it hurt to breathe and all you wanted was to get through this hell, all you wanted was to see the light at the end of a tunnel.
its calling me to remember something i dont want to remember. that it was during those times, those times when your heart simply hurts… that you’re most alive. because its at those times that you havent the strength to put up any fight. you cannot hold up a facade, you cannot pretend everything is ok, you cannot get lost in formulas, spreadsheets or the joys of the 8 to 5. its during those times, when all you can do is survive, that you realize God is all He says He is.
and you walk away from that realization terrified. you promise to never forget that He is infinitely huge and you are infinitesimally small. He is everything and you are nothing. you promise to always remember that.
this voice is asking me to remember what ive forgotten. that there is more to this life. that there is more to my life. that there is a calling on me that cannot be revoked. and if it takes all i am, i need to see that fulfilled. if it means losing all i have, to find who i am supposed to be. then so be it
and i will live…
and know some destiny
still waits for me
i know i promised more from my weekend. and i guess this is going to be my attempt at doing just that.
there were so many things i could mention. so many instances of His hand moving, moments where clarity was obvious, where kairos was an understatement. moments where His love was evident and His truth was made clear…
moments i laughed, moments i felt joy, moments i felt pain the sadness of loss. moments of making new memories, and moments of -for the first time- allowing myself to feel the pain of remembering.
moments of fellowship, of grace, and of seeing my friends in a whole new light. moments of true life were scattered throughout the weekend.
but there is one specific moment i want to focus on. and for most of you, it may not matter, but it does for me.
as my head hit the pillow saturday night, happily crashing in the spare bedroom of a friends parents house, a prayer escaped my lips.
“lord, my mom deserves a house like this. a house to call a home. a house she can decorate, put up knick-knacks and have an office. a house she can paint, and renovate, and decorate and make her own. a house she deserves. lord, please help us find the place you want us to call home….”
and something hit me. thats what He wants for us. thats His desire for the hearts of His children.
that we’d allow Him to come in, decorate, renovate and put up knick knacks. that we’d allow Him to make our hearts, His home. and thats what i want. so badly.
i sit here with tears in my eyes. knowing full well that 6 months ago i would have never admitted some of this. but it is what i want.
i want to hear His voice clearly. i want to see His thumbprint in the areas of my heart where i know none exists. i want to be the type of person who can offer his heart to this One who promises to make it only better.
and i want to be able to provide a house for my mom. a house to put up decorations, pictures and knick-knacks. a house my mom can call home.
and i want to have a heart, and a home, that one day maybe someone else will share. with me. for the rest of our lives.
when battle lines become unclear
and the waging war is all i hear
Lord sustain me with Your voice
and the choice to walk in truth
to see the Lord, the promised land
where in those sins pearly gates look bland
and what was once a pearl now sand
that blows away, in light of Him
that i might see this day
this waging war
might go away and be no more
that i might see His face
and hear Him say
Son, welcome home
the war is over
thank you all, for an amazing weekend. 🙂 i will post more later. but for now, thank you.
im in london!
ontario, not england:) however, this does me im within driving distance of home. so NY may see me this weekend. interested in gettin together? myspace/cell it!
i cant force it. as much as i want to, what i want to see accomplished in my life will take time.
no poetry God, just me. asking for brokeness. i want a heart that beats hard after You, so break it. if that is what it is going to take, to make it one that follows You.
‘Be quiet. Put your hand on your chest. Feel your beating heart. You are alive. ……….live.’ – David Crowder
i came back from florida (AWESOME time) less than a week ago. and i will be travelling internationally for work on tuesday. i’ll be in london ontario for anywhere from 2-6 weeks:)
yeah. im exhausted. and scared.
i want so much for the changes that began in me to continue. to grow. to come to the place of completion in every area of my life. i want a new heart. i want a soft heart. i want a heart that cries when He cries, sees what He sees and loves the way He loves.
ill admit it, i have no clue how to be the man i’ve been called to be. there is no handbook for a 20something male without a father. there isnt. it doesnt exist. and for so long i used that as an excuse. something to hide behind instead of something to overcome. well, this is me. i do not know what the next step is. and i have absolutely no idea what the final product is going to look like. and honestly, i am not even sure of the ultimate goal.
but i am going to fight with all i am to find out.
Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.”
-mary anne radmacher
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 