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“ones worst enemy is someone who has nothing to lose”
i used to think that this statement was one created to bring dread. meant to almost warn us about meeting someone with nothing to lose. as if they’d become our worst enemy. now im realizing something different.
im realizing that Christ fought for us. He lost everything. and He had to, to be able to fight and walk out the victor. He laid down everything, knowing full well that there was no guarentee of victory in every situation. knowing that not all those He went to battle for, would return His love. and yet He went anyway.
im realizing that one of the highest possible callings on a mans life, is to be called to love a woman. and im realizing that part of this calling, will be the need to fight. to fight for her. to protect her. in every way.
maybe im being premature in even mentioning that this has been stirring in my heart. but i know, that in so many ways, change has begun. and whatever happens, i do not want to stop changing. and should the call come, i want to be ready. ready to fight.
my prayer, should the call ever come, would be that i am found worthy. and until that time, that my heart would not get in the way of laying down at the foot of the Cross, whomever this person is.
someone once said that it was worth it, to know our Maker. and if it takes losing all i am and all i could ever be, to get to the point i need to be; to be capable of being called, then so be it.
i dont want to live in fear anymore.
not if it means i cannot love, and be loved in return.
and if that means feeling the hurts ive refused to feel, and walking the roads ive not wanted to walk… if that means that i need to confront the chasms in my own heart/soul, then so be it.
i need love. and i need to love.
there are times in our lives when we must face inner demons. when we must look the pain we hide, underneath the well placed veneers of self assurance and happieness, directly in its face. its during those times when our facades are ripped away and who we really are, the unlovely, ugly us is laid bare. we wake up one morning to realizie the depth of what we’re dealing with, and the blackness we see inside us, shocks us.
its at those times when all pretense of what life is supposed to be is left behind. and we learn that we either fight or fail. its all or nothing. not to be cliche-ish, but its do or die time. literally. we either face the blackness inside, or we slowly die freefalling into it.
sometimes this dealing means airing our dirty laundry, and letting others see that life in our little world is nowhere near perfect. that no, life isnt great and you’re scarred, and scared. and all you want to know is that it really is, one day, going to be ok.
and other times, this dealing will find you alone. encircled by the wonder of creation. the warmth of the ocean breeze, the cool of the sand and the crashing waves. and we slowly realize that this creation we so often overlook is the very message by which this One is telling us things are going to be ok. the sand, the surf, the breeze. they are constant. they are change.
their very consistency is based on the fact that they cannot stop changing. they exist in a state of constant change, of constant flux. they will never rest, they will never be still, they exist because and by the very forces that command them to change.
and in the midst of this change, we realize that the lives of the followers of the One will almost always reflect this constant. change. we will never be exactly who we are destined to be. all our hopes, fears and dreams; if from the One we follow, will always be bigger than us. and if we step up and follow the call, we will forever live our lives in this constant. change.
and if thats the case, then so be it.
for the surf, the sand, the breeze may constantly be changing, but remove just one of the three – and the ability of constant change – stops. the breeze creates the surf which in turn changes the sand. the sand gives the surf its voice, without the sand, there would be no noticable waves, and the sounds inside the ocean would be silenced.
im waxing poetic, but you get the idea.
they must coexist in constant change.
the past few days have been rough for me. and to those in my life whom that may have impacted, i do apologize. contstant change is not an easy place to be. but most importantly, i need to thank you.
thank you for being my surf, my sand and my breeze.
its funny, how the cages that, in the past, were the confines our enemies trapped us in, become the sanctuary we run to during the hard times. as if somehow, we buy in to what our enemies said about us. we identified with it. it became a part of who we were and, for protection, we adopted it as a safe haven.
we trade the worth we see in ourselves for the rags that others see. we trade experiencing His amazing presence for standing on the sidelines. we exchange real life, for a masquerade. and when someone steps up, brings a light, sees the beauty that hides beneath our rags, and tries to help us see it too… the light brings pain.
pain of lost memories, of dreams we’ve long since given up on. pain of past hopes and, and expectations. we realize how much we traded, and lost, when we took up these rags. we realize how long we ‘d gone since we had truly experienced life. and that realization hurts. and for some of us, instead of biting the bullet and allowing these filthy rags to fall away, we hide. we run back to our cages and we hide in fear. fear of being exposed, of allowing other to see the beauty within because we dont truly know if it is really beautiful.
some of us have forgotten what true beauty looks like. we’ve lost that feeling of running up into the Fathers arms and simply feeling safe.
……
ive realized something over the past few days. i know, the fact that we humans are creatures of habit should not surprise me. it shouldnt come as a shock that we have a need to be able to rely on something. that for a lot of us, we need something we can count on, something that we know wont change, something… a foundation of sorts, to build our lives upon. our very existence is often founded on these things.
i realized a few days ago that i rely on being unhappy. not that happiness is everything in life. but the realization came as a shock to me. im afraid of being happy. i really am. im afraid of pushing towards, pursuing all that God has for me because i dont want to finally get where i want to be, where im happy, only to have the carpet pulled from beneath my feet. only to feel the paralyzing fear of freefalling. to know intimately, the pain of losing everything you care about, all over again. id rather “not care” if it meant “not losing” what i care(d) for.
its why im single. its why im not even PURSUING a relationship of any consequence. somewhere along the lines ive come to the conclusion that its better to live in a dull ache that to; maybe, possibly experience true joy and happiness, only to lose it all and feel the heartbreak of losing everything you care about all over again.
id rather live lonely, than hurt that much again.
its an honest fact. its not “right”. i know that. its not proper or correct or good for me or even what God wants for me. im not saying any of those things. i know its not a good thing. i do. but for me, for right now, its where i am at.
and that scares me. because, for most of the time, im totally ok with it. i am. and i know that feeling this way isnt healthy.
the thing is, i can back it up. i can logically and calmly list my reasons on why living this way is better. i can tell you that its safer to protect what you have than to risk it on the “chance” of something better. that its better to live with the numbing effects of loneliness than it is to put yourself out there, and hope in something that you cant control. that being, the love of another.
i could list a thousand reasons why living as i am is the best possible way to live. and you wouldnt be able to prove me wrong.
……
for some of us (we’ll call this category A) who have looked fear in the face and walked away the victor; our hopes, dreams, existence, our very lives rely and are built upon the foundations of our faith. for others (category B), who may still be fighting the battle within, who may still be staving off fear and putting up a brave front, we’ve struggle daily to base our lives on the never changing attributes of the God we worship.
i’ve said it before and ill say it again. change is first seen in the small things. i may not be in category A yet. i may not define myself by how my Saviour sees me. i may not be the me i want to be, yet.
but im trying.
part of this, this life, is simply finding the courage to dream. and as a small step towards that goal, changes had to be made.
https://sirpjtheknight.wordpress.com/
my new blog.
the old is gone
the new has come.
it was time for a change. so here i am. new site. new(ish) blog.
im a firm believer that change begins, in a lot of ways, in the small things. some of mankinds greatest disasters could have been stopped had someone simply stopped and realized something small, was going wrong.
and mankinds greatest achievements, all had their starting point in the mind of a dreamer.
now, i know this isnt exactly walking on the moon. or winning gold at the olympics. but in some small way, this is my first step.
change is
here.
new update
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-pip
its amazing.
how much this hurts.
honestly. and im not sure why. maybe its because ive simply ignored this part of my life for so long. ive been, ‘unhonest’ with myself. ive simply brushed this under the rug for so long.
simply trying to forget. trying to move on. trying to pretend that the lump under the carpet kept growing. rearraging furniture to cover it.
…..
what is wrong with me? why is it so hard here to fit in? what about me, makes living in texas a so ‘non-fit’. its like trying to squeeze into pants you wore in 6th grade. or wearing someone elses broken-in shoes. it just doesnt work.
i can pretend, and for so long… thats what ive been doing. pretending. throwing myself into work. throwing myself into everything i possibly can to simply forget, ignore and distract myself from the growing ache inside of me.
12 hours at work on monday. why? well – it was needed. but its not like i had anything specific to rush home too. i didnt have plans to go out. you know, or a date. coffee. a trip to staples. anything.
ive met people. of course. but you know what i realized? i dont want friends to ‘go hang out with’. i want gut level honesty, i want passion, i want love, i want to laugh and dance and cry and hurt and be real.
i want love. more than anything else…
i. want. love.
for so long, ive felt like a blind man in the land of the seeing. a slave in the land of the free. a freak, in the land of the norm.
and for so long ive fought that off. trust me… when the weekend comes and you’ve really got nothing planned but cleaning, you learn to find things to clean. you’d be amazed how much one can clean, when all ones energies are focused on running towards cleaning and running from the void in your life.
i know that a lot of this has to do with my misaligned focus. i know that ive spent a good part of this most recent past running. from my pain. from hurt. from God.
ive been running from the very one who promises me the very thing i crave. the very substance that i need. the very blood that flows through the veins of real, gut level life. im running from a God who is love.
i must be certifiable. crazy. a complete wacko. and an utter failure in this love thing.
and im absolutely terrified of letting ANYONE get close. that includes you, God. it does. im absolutely terrified of letting you get close. of letting you see the real me. of dropping my barriers, of losing the smile and just being honest with you. im afraid that if i do, if i climb over the walls surrounding my heart, that ill simply be hurt again. that You’ll see how scarred and filthy my heart is… and you’ll leave.
i hate the fact that my ability to trust is directly linked to my personal expierences. i hate that i wont allow myself to trust because of what ive gone through.
im drowing… in a pool…. inches from safety. im simply terrified of getting out of the pool, onto dry land, and letting down my guard.
i can control whats in the pool. i, im “safe” here. and if it means i die treading water, then so be it. because at least im “safe”. right? i mean, im safe. arent i?
for the longest time ive always believed that if im lonely, than i am the one to blame. that i’m either unworthy, or not doing something right. and maybe, in some respects, part of that is the truth.
ive battled even mentioning it for months… if not more than a year. but i cant go on pretending anymore.
here i am.
fort worth texas.
and i am desperately lonely.
i wrote this post weeks ago. and i knew that, for a time anyway, i needed to sit on it. but a conversation i had earlier today has brought this back to the forefront of my thoughts. so for now…
things wont go away until we bring them into the light. so this is me. bringing a portion of my life into the light of day.
im not sure how to feel. honestly. i dont know. i miss you. and getting that email from you, wow. correspondence. i was amazed. but now, i simply do not know how to feel.
i remember when i opened up my email, and i saw your name. the first time in the better part of a year since i’d heard from you. and part of me was happy. part of me was absolutely thrilled. part of me would have been ecstatic had the wholeness of the email simply contained
“i had toast today”.
and nothing else.
part of me would have been satisfied. and part of me was.
but you left a lot of questions unanswered. questions im obviously not asking you, because im posting them here. questions i doubt ill get answers to. and honestly, thats ok. i dont post for answers. i dont. i post simply because these things wont go away before i get them out.
i wont be able to walk away completely until i am completely honest with myself. and with you. and tell you flat out; that what you did, walking away
hurt. like. hell.
i know. i know you had your reasons. and part of me absolutely knows that it was for the best. you dont have to defend yourself because i will not attack you. aside from all this, all the drama, the pain, the reasons and whatever else, aside from all that – you are still you. a daughter of the King. beautiful. a precious person in His sight. and you deserve better than to be attacked.
you made your decisions because you had to. as i did mine. i may never fully understand your thinking and logic and the desires behind your actions, but the bottom line is, i dont need to. i dont need to know why. or get answers to the what-ifs. those questions may always exist if/when i let my mind wander down memory lane. but at least by being real and getting this out, it will help to ease the burden of carrying them.
because, to be honest, i dont want to question anymore. i want to move on. i dont hate you. but i dont want to know you anymore. you walked away. you said you had to. and you did. and thats ok.
but now, now its my turn. i dont want to know you anymore. and im sorry to say that. i want to want to know you. i want to desire to still be friends. honestly, i do. but in reality, i dont.
maybe that will change. and maybe im wrong for feeling that way. but the one thing i wont do is lie to you. this friendship was birthed on the foundation of honesty and openess. so, for right now, for this very second in time, this is me. being about as honest and as open as i can get.
i miss you still.
but i need to say…
goodbye
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 