You are currently browsing Peej’s articles.
so i talked to my dad today… not at all an unusual event. it happens pretty often. few times a week typically.this time was different. a subtle difference. or, i should say, initially, i hardly noticed it. it came across masked in subtlety.
he asked me this seemingly harmless question,
“i saw a cd holder for your car while i was at the mall today. i had to stop for some errands and i happened to see it. how are you doin on keeping cds in your car?”
and my immediate response, formed due to the number of times my car has been broken into, went something like this.
“i dont keep anything in my car. not where i park. its not safe.”
and the the subtle feeling that i totally overlooked something.
i overlooked the fact that this is my dad. and that Christmas is right around the corner. and that i cant imagine how hard it is for him to try and Christmas shop for His family. knowing that – quite posisbly – his presents will either be returned un opened, or simply thrown out.
i hurt for him. i hurt because he’s my dad. my father. and ive hardly seen him in more than a year. you could probably count the hours ive seen him total using only your hands…. i hurt, because i cant imagine what he’s going through.
i hurt…. because i see so much of myself…. in him
ive tried so hard to forget all about Christmas being one week away…. ive desperately tried to focus on work… fun… anything.
i didnt ask to know how it felt to know our family would be ‘celebrating’ Christmas in three seperate places…
my dad is trying so hard. soooo hard. and its like nothing is paying off…. i respect him so much for putting forth all this effort. for trying with all he has to make things better. he’s giving his all… and he wont even see his family for christmas.
at least ive got both extended families within driving distance, so i wont be utterly alone on Christmas… he doesnt even have that.
what ever happend to forgiveness? what ever happened to grace? where is the mercy in this?
ill be home for Christmas. you can plan on me. please have snow and mistletoe and presents under the tree. Christmas Eve will find me will the love-light gleams. ill be home for Christmas. if only in my dreams.
youre right. we dont know how to fight it. we dont know when it’ll come. we cant run. cant hide. cant pretend its not the end, because it is. somethings always been there to try and destroy the world. we’ve beaten them back. but were not dealing with them anymore. we’re dealing with the reason they exist. evil, the strongest. the First.
im beyond tired. im beyond scared. im standing on the mouth of hell and its gonna to swallow me whole.
and it’ll choke on me.
we’re not ready?
they’re not ready.
they think were gonna wait for the end to come, ilke we always do.
im done waiting.
they want an apocalypse?
oh, we’ll give em one.
anyone else who wants to run
do it now.
cuz we just became an army.
we just declared war.
from now on, we wont just face our worst fears, we will seek them out.
we will find them and cut out there hearts one by one.
until the First shows itself for what it really is.
and ill kill it myself.
there is only one thing on this earth more powerful than evil
and thats us.
any questions?
Lord, may you find me a willing warrior. steadfastly focused and one-in-heart with You.
amen.
His mercy is new every morning….1 hour 45 minutes from now -today will be the past.
and tomorrow will be the present.
and His grace… His mercy and His love will fall afresh.
Lord, may your mercy find me….
i thought that after the year i had…. it would take some big huge thing to bring me to the place of being speechless..surprisingly… it wasnt big. it wasnt something earth shattering…
in fact, in the whole scheme of things – it was quite small
mark – the music manager of the place i used to work…. his final day at my former employers was today.
it stopped me… made me realize – again… that very few things last forever…
on a sidenote – i have heard the future of music…
the group? evanscence
the song? bring me to life
cd drops in early 2k3. listen for it now on progressive stations…
when did i get here?
when did i fall?
and how did i end up backed up against this wall?
im trying to find You… ive looked everywhere
im beginning to wonder if You’re even there.
im told i would hear You if id just quiet down…
and im tryin so hard to keep my knees on the ground…
would You please come and be with me…
all i keep hearing… over and over again – is “final”. or any spin on that idea…
the end
last…
etc.
i dont know why.
i dont know why i feel like ive lived the past few weeks on a very superficial level. shallow. what am i avoiding? maybe i am avoiding something. maybe its nothing tangible. maybe its that the ‘holiday season’ was marked as having officially begun yesterday. maybe its that im afraid that if i dig to any depth, that im going to uncover more. that more will come to light and another part of my soul will be lost.
maybe its that ive lost myself trying to find something to hide behind.
and maybe its just that nothing major has happened. and that ive forgotten what its like to live… and not have to fight for every breath. its scary. because, as much as i want to cling to the hope that this is finally coming to a close… its not. i cant cling to that hope…
my very being aches for the dream of closure… of the “end”. of the grand finale. but its not here yet…
“the hardest thing in this world… is to live in it. be brave. live. for Me.”
thats it… thats me… for tonite. if i could wrap this year into a nutshell, it would be contained in the wholeness of that quote.
im so trying, to live… and not for myself…. but for the one who brought me this far.
and all i want, is to drop to my knees and cry…
i know what it is they see in me
they see You…
i have very little for tonite. just a simple quote from a fictional world.
just a small life in the midst of this amazing galaxy.
just one searching heart – longing… to know the truth.
afraid of making mistakes… and of letting things go.
but knowing he cant continue holding on as hard as he is.
thats it. in a nutshell. for this portion of today anyway… thats what im feeling. conflicted. confused. hurt. lost. searching.its nto even 2pm. and im so…. broken…
it hurts so much to see her. i miss her so much. and yet…
did you hear that? did you? i miss you. i feel sooo many conflicting things about this situation. so much hurt, and yet im still consumed with the desire to love you and always provide for you the very best i can…
most times, im capabale of understanding what im feeling even when it makes verly little sense…. all i typically need is some time to think things through…
this… this is different. this strips me of my defenses and lays me bare for the whole world to see. this rips away the bandages, the comfort zones, the ‘protective barriers’ i enact and errect to shield me from more pain… this rips open old scares and this leaves me defenseless… utterly naked and unprotected…
if it matters, i dont like feeling this way. i dont like being ripped apart. i dont enjoy it… not one bit.
but yet, i wonder… look at what Christ had to endure so that Gods love could be poured out upon us…
He endured all that – for Loves sake.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
its a phrase we use so often. a phrase that carrys very little weight in today’s society. a phrase that we throw around almost as much as “love”.did you know that the word “thank” is a verb? interesting thought. its a word that demands action. a word that carrys with it in its very essence the weight of responsibilty. it requires us to do something. even if all we do is express it…
im not sure why exactly im on the whole thing of ‘thankfulness’. as i sit and look over the past year or so… im beginning to learn to be thankful for certain things. for friends through thick and thin. for mercy and grace that was new everymorning. for the ability to slowly begin to see His hand in all that happened… or at least, learning to trust that He never left. even when it seemed like it did.
learning to be thankful for things that are still with me… and for the things that are no longer. things ive lost, or that have moved on. things ive move past or that are no longer aroud. to be thankful for people, places and things that a year ago wouldnt have mattered.
my life has irrevocably changed in ways i will never fully comprehend. there may not be a silver lining on every cloud… but im slowly beginning to see some of the rainbow through the storm
right now? im thankful that tomorrow is friday. im thankful for the mercy and grace of a loving God who’s brought me this far… and wont give up on me. even when i do.
i may not be much to look at. and when it all comes down to it, i may not have anything to offer… but all i am – and all i will ever become is because of Him. and for that, im learning to be thankful.
Could we with ink the ocean fill, And were the skies of parchment made, Were every stalk on earth a quill, And every man a scribe by trade, To write the love of God above, Would drain the oceans dry. Nor could the scroll contain the whole, Though stretched from sky to sky.–
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 