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and sometimes it takes nearly losing your wings for you to realize how precious this life is…
and how precious are the rare butterflies that you’re blessed to see….
thank you.
sometimes you’ve got to let go of your rights… to realize how wrong you’ve been.sometimes you’ve got to let everything go… to realize how precious are the things you’ve been given.
sometimes you need someone to be there… and sometimes, no one is.
i miss kate. i miss seeing her posts on my blog. i miss knowing that there is SOMEONE else out there who’s lived through what im walking through…
ive been a fool. ive harboured feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger and pain for the past 2.5 years. and i was wrong. im sorry. to the person who im adressing right now… i owe you an enourmous apology. my own feelings kept me from being the type of friend you needed during some of the worst storms of your life. i realize that now. and i am sorry. so sorry.
dont leave….
ok, ill admit it. its not easy. in fact, it sometimes takes every ounce of who i am to reach out and extend my trust… my willingness to be open… my desire to love… and be loved. its exhausting actually..
dont leave….
im trying so hard to decipher the part of “me” that is greedy and screams “its all about me” and the part of “me” that just honestly says…. “ive lost enough. honestly, ive lost everyone… and i dont want to lose anymore”
dont leave….
im not strong. i know that. ive tried for so long to simply walk this path alone. and ive realized i cant.
dont leave….
i dont know what i did to cause this. im trying to understand. im trying to learn from whatever mistakes i made to bring this all to pass.
dont leave….
but you know what? what ive worked so hard for these past 2 and a half years… ive tried to forget you…. ive tried to stop missing you. ive tried to logically do something to stop feeling the ache when you left. and the tears falling now, testify to the fact that im a complete failure.
dont lea… wait – its ok. you can leave. God be with you.
this is it. i didnt know i needed to come to this place… and of all days – today… but you’re not mine to protect. you are your own person. and beyond that, you’ve got your own life to live. so go, live it fully. may the memories of times we spent together bring you joy… and the knowing that wherever you go, you deserve to be treated like a princess… like a daughter of the King.
i pray He brings into your life people who will support you… be with you through thick and thin. people who will let you be you and love you completely and unconditionally. i pray He brings people into your life who make you happy… and ultimately, complete you.
its no longer the fact that “i miss you” or i want you back in my life…. those things dont matter… and in all honesty, they never did… i should have surrendered those feelings – and you – long ago.
am i afraid of you leaving my life? yes… but fear and freedom will never coexist.
so go. take flight in this world and never look back. and im sorry, for ever being someone who boxed you in.
you’re worthy of all the love anyone could ever pour into you… and i pray you find that.
be free.
every now and then, one must recognize someone who has spoken words into there life…. and simply say thank you.
thank you for the words below. thank you for the friendship.
raw emotions are a rare and coveted thing. thank you for the brutal honesty of your heart… showing the rest of us, that our hearts haven’t really been beating at all….. so many of us have not really been living, understanding, accepting, fighting, acknowledging the fight that life is worth… thank you for the simplistic truth of living a life that is truly felt and experienced to the fullest…… isn’t that why Christ said that he came? that we might have life abundantly. congratulations to you, for not letting go and taking the wild chance at living life abundantly. see, so many have misunderstood abundantly for “easy” or “perfect w/ no hardships”…. thank you for having the grace to find out what “life abundantly” truly is, thank you for your courage… thank you for showing me.
what kind of world do we live in when the most relevant people in our lives are those few souls scattered throughout the land of entertainment who – due to a staff of good writers and producers – actually exude a persona that relates to me?i realized something tonite… with the help of a friend.
its not the trust that i miss (although thats a huge part)… its not the closeness (again – a big part)… its not even the caesar salad…
its the bond. the bond with my family. my mom and dad… my sisters… close friends.
it’s being able to pick their tomatoes cause u know they don’t like em in their salad
its looking at them when they walk in a room and knowing every dertail of how their day went by how they looked at you.
its looking into there eyes and knowing you can see the very depth of who they are… and knowing they see you too.
its knowing that someone, somewhere, in this crazy world actually thinks you’re valuable… and…
it’s belonging in someone’s life so much……… that their life is a mirror of yours even though you’re doing something totally different.
and if they were stuck on a desert island for the rest of their life… and they could only bring one person… maybe… just maybe, they’d pick you.
its knowing that you matter to someone.
maybe its true that some battles are meant to be fought alone.
im trying with all i am to reconnect my life with those i feel could be good friends. and im wondering if my efforts are worth anything. maybe my hope… my dream of having a group of people who love me for me… is nothign mroe than just that… a dream.
im sorry to be such a downer. i am.
im just trying so hard.
im trying to forgive. im trying to let go of the past and embrace people… friends… in the now.
all i want is to have this huge weight lifted from my chest.
my life will never again be normal. and i can deal with that. i guess what im wondering is… once i say what ive got to say…
will they be able to handle it?
will putting my entire life on the line and just being gut-level real and honest with this group of people that, for a time, i hated… will it pay offf? will it be worth it?
hate. strong word isnt it. but i know of no other that would fit. suddenly, the world i lived in was a lot bigger and scarrier and it seemed that they couldnt handle it. and just like that, i was no longer relevant.
im sorry that my parents are getting divorced. im sorry that im so cynical and at times – spiteful.
there are times when i dont like myself at all. and this is one of them.
im trying. so hard. to be a friend. im trying with everything in me and im beginning to ask, if its worth it.
The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can’t have them.
for days now, ive just had this sense that change was coming.
i dont know how. or where its coming from. but its the very rythmn of my heart right now.
my relationships with those closest to me are changing. have changed.
whats important to me is changing.
its all been over the past 2 weeks or so.
i dont know what to think about it. or much less what to feel.
change and frustration seeminly walk hand in hand.
arg! i cant blog ANYTHING.
so stinkin much going on inside and i cant put it down on paper… or, blog rather.
oh well.
goodnite for now.
here is to amazing weekends and the smell of clean clothes.
to youth group car washes and walkin around with $319 in your pocket.
to trips to starbucks and dinners at dp’s.
to surprises, ikea, and lifehouse.
to margeritas, smirnoff ice and sage.
to fabric softner and friends that love us.
to new beginings, new homes, and an uncertain future.
here is to life. to its ups and downs. to the joys and pain.
may all the days we spend on this earth be spent truly living.
sometimes its the subtle things that catch us off guard. sometimes we dont even realize we’ve been “caught”. it takes a heart that has slowed somewhat, from the business of the day, to notice that indeed – it is no longer free but has been caught by surprise. thats me for tonite… somewhat caught off guard. by the scent of fabric softener.you see, i was surprised this weekend by my friend skip. she threw me in a car on friday and off we drove.
now you have to understand that my thoughts on the weekend were going to be nothing more than maybe an hour or two drive time. we left @ 6:15pm. 12:45am saturday we arrived in virginia. and we visited skips best friend k8 (who is my friend to, but we met through skip) so anyway…
i was under the impression that the trip, and seeing kate were the surprise for the weekend. boy was i wrong. saturday afternoon found me off to baltimore for an Ikea store. woohoo!! and after… downtown baltimore for an intimate evening with lifehouse. all surprises. all wonderful.
i guess i brought all this up for two reasons. the first being to simply state how awesome it is to be loved. not for anything you’ve done… or anything you try to be…but just for who you are.
and secondly, to just express some of the ways i changed.
because of the awesome-ness of the weekend, i called in to work and took monday off as well. so we did laundry… and i just pulled a t-shirt from my suitcase. it smelled like fabric softener. i havent used fabric softener in 18 months or more. my mom used to. i miss that smell…
ok, so im not sure how that shows any changes in my life… but believe me. i have changed. permanently. and im constantly continuing to change.
and until things settle down…
im hanging on every word You say
and even if You dont wanna speak tonite
thats all right, all right with me
cos i want nothing more than to sit outside heavens door
and listen to Your breathing.
this weekend would be, at the least, incomplete without a blog to end tonite. and i can hear you saying “but its monday, the weekend is already over”. ill hold back on going into detail about this weekend… suffice to say that it was a wonderful time. i was reminded how this life is simply our chance to be the best friends we can to those who love us. and this was shown in vivid reality to me throughout this weekend.so, to pookie – all my love. all my thanks. you made this weekend. and you made this weekend happen. thank you so much for showing me what it means to truly love and accept someone. ::hug::
and to k8. thank you so much for being a friend, and beyond that, being someone who has walked where i am now trodding… and has survived. you’re a lighthouse in the storm of my life. never underestimate how much impact you will have. thank you.
tonites blog is short. and so is the time between now, and when i head to bed.
nite all.
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