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sometimes it can only be said in a song
i sat today and listened. i listened to my grandfather and grandmother. i listened to 55 years of marriage. to a lifetime filled with 6 kids, well over a dozen grand-kids and a overflowing with memories. i listened as my grandfather told me about their honeymoon, and how in the middle of florida they stopped at a roadside orange stand and had the best, fresh-squeezed orange juice they’d ever tasted. about how they bought oranges; a dozen for $0.20.
and more importantly, i listened as he told me that 40 years to the day later, they stopped at that same orange stand, and shared a glass of orange juice.
that was 15 years ago.
i listened to stories of living life. and sat in awe as i realized that my nearly 80 year old grandfather and 70something grandmother drove from New York to Texas to spend time with their daughter and grand-kids. i listened as their stories and memories, both old and new, echoed in my heart. i listened as what they said sank deeply into who i am and stirred even more so, desires and dreams that have long lain dormant.
how would you live if you knew that the memories of a lifetime, a lifetime spent with the one you love, could soon be gone? how would you live if you knew that your time on this earth was shorter than it was when you were 29? would you take the time to listen? to learn? to feel and hurt and love like you always wished you could? would you go out on limb more often than you played it safe? would you, if only for a moment, stop focusing on your five year plan and focus the next five minutes on those you loved?
i’m not advocating living life like your last day on earth is tomorrow, but i know that i spend too much time fearing and preparing for the future. i know i’ve missed opportunities. to go out on a limb, to say i love you, to look like a fool.
maybe i’m realizing that i need to go out on that limb, and tell that person i’ve been thinking about that well, i’m thinking about them. maybe this burning deep inside is a call to go deeper, to pray harder and to fall more so into these arms of grace. maybe i’m learning that living life on a limb, so to speak, is exactly how we’re called to live. we’re called to live as He did. we we’re called to live life on a limb, trusting that if we make a mistake or a wrong decision, that His everlasting arms of Grace will catch us.
we were called to dance as david did. unashamed even if the world thought we were nuts.
so where does this leave me?
not where i want to be. because without His strength, i will never be able to puncture this bubble i’ve so adapted myself to living in. i’ll never go out on the limbs i need to go out on. i’ll never experience the thrill of seeing life from the tops of the trees, and the utter gratitude of feeling His arms catch me when (not if) i fall.
40 years from now, will you have your orange stand moment? will you stand with the one you love, full of memories made, and expectant of memories waiting to be made? will you be able to stand and know intimately the catch of your Saviour? will you have the stories to pass on to your grand-kids? will you look on expectantly at another 15, 20 or even thirty years?
will i?
so maybe this morning i’m remembering what this season represents. maybe im realizing that even though i know the resurrection story backwards and forwards, i am still in need of its reality in my life every day.
the one i call Saviour lived His life loving those who came across His path. He lived His life walking the road, the destiny His Father had chosen for Him. He lived His life to the fullest, and countless generations since then have found the courage to do so, by remembering the life He lived and the impact He had on this earth. i need that courage, that passion, that determination to love like i should, to climb the tree and be considered a fool.
trusting doesnt come easy for me. and if i were honest, id say that praying prayers of surrender and trust, come even harder. i find it hard to reconcile my own experiences with a loving, faithful God who catches those who fall. i find it hard to understand why it feels like i wasnt caught. like i slammed into the ground more times than i can count and why i feel like i’m not somewhere in the tree learning to climb higher, but that i’m on the ground miles from tree i should be climbing.
there was a time when i could let things like this go, that i could just trust and when something didnt add up, i could trust my Saviour to have my best in mind. i could trust His nail scarred hands to keep me.
i know, that when i look back on this time, i’ll realize that He did indeed catch me, and that even though i feel utterly alone, im not. i’ll realize that this is some part of His grand scheme. and that this is birthing in me something deeper than i currently realize.
but ya know what God? i dont see that right now. and i could sure use some light.
the pain will come
with the morning sun
will the night betray the day
blistered skin
withered from within
scratch to shed this shell away
will you know my name
or will i hang my head in shame
will someone take this tired skin
that i’ve been dying in
will someone hold me to the light
and if I die tonight
then take this broken man
and wrap me tight within
this brand new skin
watch me fly
freedom like wings and i will use them
freedom like wings and i will spread them wide
watch me fly…
freedom my wings…
freedom my wings…
and rise
one day my ashes will return to earthly slumber
spread far and wide across the desert and the sea
until then i will live each day in awe and wonder
look forward to each sunrise
at what point does one cross the line from playing it safe to walking off the field? at what point does being careful transform into sitting in the stands? at what point does being responsible equate a crutch? where did we, as a people, learn this fear of doing the wrong thing? where did I learn this fear? since when did i trade living life, for sitting in the bleachers?
Erwin McManus said…
for too may of us, because we fear failure, we are afraid to try. sometimes we live vicariously through the lives of others. instead of being life voyagers, we become life voyeurs. i think it’s one of the reasons we entertain ourselves to death. we find our romance in You’ve Got Mail and we fight our battles through William Wallace and Maximus Aurelius. And there might as well be a glass screen between real life and us because the closest we get to fulfilling our life’s dream is watching them. we’ve accepted our place, our lot in life, as sideliners.
i’ve spent the better part of the past few weeks pouring over internet adds for apartments. ive visited some, called others… and always, always… im finding something wrong with them. and im coming to the conclusion that the apartment isnt necessarily wrong. i am.
i’m blessed enough to be able to afford a nice place. so thats not the issue. the issue is me. its that im afraid of failing. of not finding the ‘right’ apartment. its wanting the path before me to be highlighted and marked prior to stepping out the door. its my refusal to live in the joy of the moment and in the walk of faith.
its crippling. and it needs to stop.
part of it is my fear of how things went last time. and that if i somehow screw up now, the past will simply repeat.
…..
i know i cannot continue to live this way.
people still talk about the lives of those they emulate. william wallace, maximus aurelius, the spartans… all evoke emotion, passion and visions of glory in those who know their stories. people tell and retell their stories because of exactly that truth. they lived lives full of stories worth telling. they did not live safe lives. these were not safe men. they lived, fought, loved, gave, won and lost with all they had.
i dont like life as a sideliner. i dont. because here, on the sidelines, i’m useless. yes, my clothes are clean, i smell good and i’m healthy. out there on the field, i’ll get dirty. on the field, there will be days where i’ll not smell nice. and i promise you, i will get hurt. but at this point, the call is too loud. i crave the adventure. so i’ll take the scraped knees, the cuts and the grass stains and the sprains and twists and possible breaks. i’ll take the bruised ego and the very real possibility of falling flat of my face. i’ll take those risks because standing here on the sidelines means never living the life i want. loving the way i want. painting the pictures i want to see. hearing the music i want to hear.
i’ll take those risks because standing here on the sidelines, living life vicariously through others, drowing the love that burns inside of me, and swallowing the dreams that keep my heart alive will eventually destroy me. i’ll be a nice looking, good smelling, healthy shell of a human being. i’ll be dead on the inside.
and i refuse to live that life.
there is a woman out there. a woman who i am destined to love. and i will not be a safe man. when i find her, i will love her with a love that has been tried through the fire, a love that was won with scars and pain and stories worth telling. i will love her with all i am and each end every day, when i close my eyes, i will know i loved with everything i had. because i will not live a quiet safe existence.
i will live a life full of stories that are worthy of being told.
(as a follow up to my post yesterday)
on the way home today, i realized something. i realized that i take too much for granted. i realized, again, that i allow myself to get too wrapped up in the things that are temporal. and i so easily lose sight of the eternal.
on my way home thursday, i passed the scene of an accident that, had it happened only seconds later, may have involved me. as i saw in the obits sunday that the 20 year old driver was killed…. i should have realized then.
yes, maybe it is time. maybe what’s next is right around the corner. but right now, i needed to be reminded of what’s important. that i have so much to be thankful for. a loving family, friends who care, a job, good health and a roof over my head. and a saviour who promises to never leave.
i’m alive. and i’m going to live like it.
i’m not saying i’m ready, or have prepared as i should have. but i think its time.
maybe… its actually beyond time.
part of me is terrified that i’ve missed it. that i spent so much time living life vicariously through others, through my hero’s…. that i’ve missed my chance. that the things i want to see, the life i want to live… that it’s passed.
what i do know, is that i’m changing. the things that satisfied at one time, no longer do. and that, honestly, i’m lonely. i ache for closeness. for the knowing smile of a friend. the tangible presence of someone you know wont judge.
i’ve spent a large portion of the past 5 years emotionally on my own. carrying weights i never meant to pick up. and now, i’m wondering, how much longer.
so maybe this isnt me so much saying that it’s time… maybe this is me knowing that ive played my hand.
maybe i’m hearing the voice. the voice that called me to this place in time nearly 5 years ago. maybe im hearing it call me to something new. and maybe this is the small beginning.
have you ever just stood outside and watched a thunderstorm roll in? smelled the change in the atmosphere? you almost sense that the earth knows that something violent, powerful and ultimately cleansing is coming. something of supreme beauty, and ultimately, danger.
have you ever stood outside and felt the first drops, promising the torrents that will come?
have you ever stood there and felt the temperature plunge? watched the trees as their peaceful slumber is interrupted and they’re transformed from sleeping beauties into a writhing mass of leaves, branches and wind?
thunderstorms in texas are unlike any storms you’ll find on earth. jade green clouds, a brisk vibrancy on the wind; the atmosphere itself is almost electric. its like all the earth stands still in anticipation.
and a thunderstorm at night? it can leave you breathless.
i’ve had the benefit of driving through some of the craziest storms we’ve had down here. and although i find them awesome, make no mistake that the damage they can cause, and the tornado’s they can spawn are nothing to be romanced. they are dangerous, period.
thunderstorms are a part of life, and in as much as they are dangerous, they are beautiful. they provide light where there was none.
and if you can imagine standing at the top of a precipice, the sun long set… watching a storm roll in. when it finally arrives, for the briefest of moments, the darkness of night that swallows you whole is pushed away. lightning flashes. and for that moment in time, you can see. you can see where you are, what’s next, and if you’re high enough, what’s to come.
sometimes, we’re blessed with those moments of vivid clarity for our own lives. moments when, in the midst of the storm, lightning flashes. and for that nanosecond, everything is bright. and in some small way, you’re given peace. you realize that the world, the mountain youre on, or the valley you’re in, are much larger than you are. you realize that this storm roiling over your head is beyond your capability to control. you realize how small you are, and how awesome it is to be alive during this time.
even more rare, is when the storm flashes… and we’re not given a glimpse of our lives, but the life of someone else. in that moment, the darkness is pushed back and we see how amazing their life is. we see what’s already passed, and what is to come. we see their future. the rolling green hills and the mountains that will need climbing.
in that kairos moment, we’re given a glimpse into the life of someone else. a glimpse into how the King views this person. not just as she is, but as she can be, as she will be. and if we allow ourselves, we accept the burden of knowing. and of praying. and of supporting this person. even if it means from afar.
because we realize that we weren’t given this gift of vision, to consume on ourselves. we realize, i realize… that with this glimpse comes the challenge of praying for her. and trusting that the King who granted such a wonderful glimpse…. will keep her safe. because in that split second, something was communicated to us that no amount of words could communicate. value. you realize that she’s the alluvial diamond. that this flash of daylight was a glimpse into her future. into something that is beyond me. beyond my capability to understand…. both dangerous, and beautiful. breathtakingly beautiful.
i realize how much these glimpses mean. because they are roadsigns, gifts from the King, and a sign that i’m not lost. yes, the storm may be intense, this valley may be deep, or the mountain may seem unclimbable….
but above the storm exists One who looks down… and controls all.
we we’re born with a knowing that there was more to life than a 9-5 job. it’s in lifes storms that we discover what that calling really is.
it’s a calling of hope, of passion, of sacrifice and pain and heartache. it’s a calling to live a dangerous life. and a life filled with a beauty beyond our wildest dreams.
so it is in His hands that i place her future. just because i was given the gift of lightning doesnt mean i’m to intrude. it only means that she’s climbing a mountain, or facing a valley… and she needs someone to pray for her. so i will.
….somehow we all know that to play it safe is to lose the game
-Erwin Raphael McManus
there are days that flash by.
work, eat, sleep, repeat.
we tend to convince ourselves that this life, this wash, rinse, repeat existence is life. that working hard, and enjoying the benefits thereof, are all that life offers.
if we’re not careful, and if we insulate ourselves enough, months if not years will fly by cocooned in this existence. and suddenly you’re in your thirties with a wife, 2.5 kids, a white picket fence, and you realized you insulated yourself into never living life. you never chose the hard things, you never pulled back the satin finish to see what was underneath. you never cried out for the healing of the hurts you wish were never there. you never asked… wept, that your heart would break, for what breaks His.
you never gave your all, and as a result… life will never give you everything. you’ll have a safe, content existence.
i dont want that existence.
then there are days that give you pause. and remind you that there are still hurts that need healing. that i’m not perfect. that this grace i so oft lose sight of, is what keeps me. what holds my head above water. what has made me who i am.
there are days you catch sight of….. one whom at one time meant something to you. and your gut reaction betrays the lie you’ve been telling yourself. that you’re ok. that you dont still hurt. maybe its a parent, or an ex girlfriend or boyfriend. maybe its the betrayal suffered at the hands of the closest of friends. whatever it is, however deep the pain, if we dont want that insulated life, we must force ourselves to pull back the satin finish. and see the ugly stains beneath.
we must face our hurts, our pains… if we want to live more than just a safe existence.
i have tough questions i need to face. and the fact that i excel at avoiding them, is a skill i wish i’d never obtained. but i this quiet Voice, is telling me that this is it. that this is the time. that there wont be another moment like the one i have now.
i must face my hurts, my pains, if i want to live more than just a safe existence. if i want to love my future wife with my all. if i want to serve, work, give, worship and love with all i am…. then i must open all of who i am to the One who can heal.
i spent the majority of this week in Denver on business. and as much as the trip was a professional blessing, i found myself thinking of things completely un-work related.
i was at a company sponsored dinner last night. and as the wine flowed, and conversation came easy to those around me, something caught my attention…
i sat there, and i stared. it was simple really, it wasnt anything miraculous or breathtaking to anyone but me. it didnt cause the earth to stand still. there was no voice from heaven or angelic choir. it was the hand of my coworker. holding a wineglass. it was her left hand. and there was a beautiful ring on her finger.
and in a moment, everything around me faded away. i was transported. i wasnt at dinner surrounded by coworkers. i was lost a world beyond my physical location. wondering… wondering whose hand would sit across the table from me, every night for the rest of my life. whose ring would glitter in the dim light of the italian restaurant… whose hand would mindlessly caress her wineglass.
i wondered if i’d ever find her. and if she wonders the same thing.
later that evening… a certain someone popped into my head. and, well. i realized this:
you? you are beautiful. and its not just a physical beauty. it isnt. it emanates from who you are. from your spirit. you glow. and it makes all of who you are, beautiful.
you? you are worthy to be chased. you are worth fighting for. you are worth losing everything in life to obtain. you are the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. you are worth waiting for. and worth dreaming about.
you may not see it yet, not as clearly as you will. you may not even believe it’s there, but it is. its inside you. a gift from your Creator. specific to you, and for you. and it makes you beautiful.
and even if i’m never the one to chase you, even if im not the one who sits across from you, filled with joy because you wear my ring. even if i never get the chance to tell you in person, you are worthy of pursuing. and if there was a line to stand in, i’d camp outside to be first.
you’re worthy of love. of fighting for.
you are beautiful.
how quickly things can change, and in a moment, what could have been an exercise in grace and patience easily becomes a moment of failure.
life is fickle, short, and ever changing.
this is what im learning. and honestly, its what i want to remember all throughout 2009. i surprised myself that i didnt post an end of 2008/welcome 2009 blog. looking back, maybe i needed to be reminded of this. of the need that i have, of the need we all have, for grace.
maybe i needed to be reminded that im no better than the next person. that in view of eternity, standing under the vast expanse of stars…. that i am small. and insignificant. and that its only because of the One who chose me, that i am who i am.
i realized again today that my need for grace is no less than those around me. that those who’s problems cause me problems, are no worse off than i am.
i learned again today, that i need Him. that no matter the season of the soul i may be in, i am nothing without Him.
maybe this is my theme for 2009. that i am small, that left to my own devices, i will fail. that this life isnt about me, but its about the story, its about the path i’ve been asked to walk. and more than anything, its about grace. freely offered, to all.
—–
i wrote the above early this year. and for some reason i didnt think it was time to post it. well, it is now.
because 2009 has been hard. full of questions and uncertainty. and im sure, like so many others, worry for the future.
maybe your company is days from bankruptcy…. maybe you realized how close death can be from striking someone you care for immensely. maybe someone else wont make their rent payment…. or the place filled with so many memories goes up for auction in less than 2 months…
maybe its all of the above.
maybe its learning that this whole trust thing, requires that we find ourselves in places where we simply… cannot.
because thats me, right now. i cannot effect change in any of these areas. not in and of myself.
it’s only in having to trust, do we find that our Saviour is trustworthy. and its only when we really are helpless, that we finally understand what it means to hold on.
so i’ll stand. and i’ll trust. and with all i am, i will hold on to grace, to the promise of tomorrow…. and to the One who promised to never let me go.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 