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life. changes.
it happens. and most times, there is little we can do about it.
but you know what? im going to be ok.
i am.
somewhere between the end
and the point where we begin
theres a fire burning brightly
thats found its way to dim
when the feelings gone
shine on shine on
and onto something new
its long and overdue
I will remember you
shine on shine on
and let the other see
you’ve got your victory
will you remember Me?
I was with you in the valley
and up upon that hill
so take just one more step in front of you
for I am with you still
you still
and your not alone
shine on shine on
and onto something new
its long and overdue
I will remember you
shine on shine on
and let the others see
you’ve got your victory
will you remember Me?
can you see my hands are open?
im am waiting just ahead
and you think you needed it all now
but you needed Me instead
shine on…
somewhere between the end
and the point where we begin…
needtobreathe
-shine on
the more i live, the more i realize that we – as humans – need to cling. to things, ideals, people, things, memories, dreams, places, hopes and even… fears.
they’re the things that (we think anyway) make us, us. they are the things we believe make us who we are. we pull our identity, our very lives – the way we respond to people, our attitudes, beliefs and choices – all come from these things.
the ‘things’, if we buy into it, make us who we are.
and if one of those things breaks, or is damaged, or changes, or disappears… or suddenly we see it for what it really is, our lives are thrown into turmoil.
im not sure where im going with this tonite, its just been something ive been thinking about. i guess maybe im realizing all the things im holding onto. and im not holding just to hold, oh no. im clinging.
im identifying with these things. with these beliefs, systems, defense mechanisms, walls, hurts, pains and ideals. im identifying more with these stupid things than i am with the Saviour of my soul, the creator of all good things.
why? why on earth would i do this? simple. things are (usually) reliable. if i spin a pillar or stavesacre cd, i know its gonna rock. if i put the key in the ignition, the car starts. if eat junk instead of a salad, it feels and tastes better.
the list goes on.
the point is, these things offer a predefined and predetermined ending. you know the ending from the beginning. and isnt that mans original sin anyway? to know the end from the beginning? to be like God? funny how its mutated into something so… innocuous.
and the things arent really the issue. because i could remove some of those things. and in the past, i have. but the things arent where my focus should be. the issue, for me anyway is to be honest – fear.
im afraid to dream. im afraid to hope. im afraid to live beyond the four walls that ive so tightly constructed for myself. i wasn’t raised in an enviroment where i was encouraged to dream. did i? did i dream? oh heck yeah. i did. but in the absence of encouragement, ones dreams fade.
i could blame any number of things for where i find myself. but the bottom line is, i chose to listen to fear. i was afraid. afraid that my dreams wouldnt come true. that i wasnt worthy enough to even pursue them. i cling to the things i know offer a predetermined course of action and ending, because it feels safe.
i was talking with sister #2 on the phone last weekend. and before we have to go our seperate ways, i always ask her how i can pray. and she asks me the same. my answer? and ive no idea where it came from… i asked her to pray that i may have the courage to dream again.
woah.
me, dreaming? you mean at 26 this isnt all life has to offer? you mean that i can still hope? that He isnt done with me yet? that this existence that, in so many ways simply sucks any hope out of me, isnt everything?
in a word… yes.
im going to find it. i dont even know if i will find it. but im going to search. i dont want to feel empty anymore. i dont want to just live the responsible, safe life. i dont want to be the one guy at work with a perfect attendance record if it means i dont have a life.
i want to answer the call. i want to drop the things that ive used so long to define who i am and begin to see those things transformed into things that bring Him glory. that point others to the Saviour i profess. that…. that cant help but be lights for who He is. for His renown.
i want to lie prostrate in His presence surrounded by like minded people. i want to worship till it hurts. i want all nite praise sessions and accountability. i want mentorship and i want to grow.
i want to follow the One with abandon. i want to drop all that i am and cling to all He is. i want to hear my dreams in His voice, to see my future in His eyes and to see my life in His hands.
i want to live. i want to dream.
and i want to live my dreams.
have you ever wanted something so badly that the desire nearly drives you insane?
i think thats where i find myself tonight. but the thing is, im not sure what im looking for. i dont know what i want, i just know i want it. does that make any sense? or am i just going crazy? probably a little bit of both…
i used to think that i had some level of control. that i had some power over things… but ive forgotten how quickly things can change. and its in those moments of change that we realize that we’re not in control.
the brave ones accept the change. they accept the reality that they’re not in control. and that this little piece of control they thought they had, well… they give it up. they learn, accept and understand the truth about that little piece of their life. and they move on.
the cowards scramble for control. they reel in shock. they turn a blind eye, turn to distractions (drugs, alcohol, sex,) anything to numb the shock. and the moment they can grasp that level of control back, they do so. or at least, the moment they can re-create their imagined sense of control, they do. and the walls they build up to protect this control are built on the crumbled ruins of many previous attempts.
the brave in me wants to accpet the change. it wants to accept the reality that i am, in no way shape or form, in control. the brave in me wants to give up that little piece of control. it wants to learn, accept and understand the truth. the brave in me wants to move on.
i want to move on. desperately.
but i dont know how. or maybe its not so much knowing how, maybe its the battle between the brave in me, and the coward in me.
but cowards never changed the world. cowards were never the first to see the sunrise from the top of some great mountain. cowards didnt turn the tide of the battle. cowards never saw the pacific ocean… from the surface of the moon.
cowards never fall in love. they never have the guts to – put themselves on the line and truly say how the feel about someone. they dont take the risk of being shot down. they dont swim in the deep end so to speak, they never go underwater or see how long they can hold their breath. they never come up gasping for life giving air. so they continue breathing easy, but they never have their breath taken away.
i dont want to live that way. i want to risk my breath. i want to have times where its hard to breathe even if its because of pain. if it means ill be truly alive, and even if it means ive gotta fight for it. id dont want to breathe easy anymore…
i want to be gasping for air.
a month is probably one of the longest times ive gone between postings. and to be honest, im not sure i have one specific reason why its taken me this long to come back here. then again, most things in life that we remember aren’t singular things… they’re culminations of places, events, actions and people. so maybe thats what brings me back, or has kept me away.
ive always tried to be honest on my blog. ive never been one to give a running account of my daily activities.
“dear diary, i went to walmart and got toothpaste today”
“dear diary, i have to go to work tomorrow”
“dear diary, today I was pompous and my sister was crazy.” “today, we were kidnapped by hill folk never to be seen again. It was the best day ever.”
the whole diary thing never cut it for me. this hasnt been about the things i do, its been about who i am. who ive been and who i am becoming. this blog has been a reflection of me. and recently, ive been lonely.
God, id do almost anything for some good friends down here. i cant even begin to describe how much ive avoided posting, because i knew that id have to be honest, and that being honest would be saying that i was lonely. and i was too proud to admit that i was lonely.
but i am. i am lonely.
i could go into details about how im trying. how ive been invited out, and asked out, by coworkers. how last sunday night found me with a new group of christians my age. how im looking for a church. ive tried out churches. but thats not honestly where i want to go.
—
i made spaghetti today. and i realized, standing in front of the stove, about to immerse some unsuspecting pasta into the boiling water, how my life is very much like a piece of spaghetti.
because its only when exposed to intense heat that a piece of spaghetti will bend, and not break. it will move and commune and intermix with those around it. take the heat away and you’ve got a stiff, unmoving, unwilling, brittle, useless piece of baked grain.
the times i look back on fondly. the people, friendships that i miss the most, were those born out of adversity. those that were birthed in fire.
they say practice makes perfect. that there is a song worth singing. they say that all our trying, our pain, our strength poured out… they say it’ll be worth it. they say that there are people, things, places and expierences worth walking through this. they say that this life is worth living.
and thats what i want. i want a life worth living. i want the heat. i want the pain if it means i can expierence the joy.
so if this is practice, if this is my time in the studio. if this is where i hone my skills so to speak, then bring it on. because a time is coming when my life will come into accord with those around me. with the friends, relationships, church that He has for me. and when the great conductor begins… you will hear the orchestra.
let the rain
life is fleeting… and i need You. i need You to be the center of my life, the place i fix my eyes. i need You.
of Your presence
hear the cry of a hungry heart, and come. come in close. speak to me. be with me. invade all i am and have all i want to be. come in closer. come in close and break my stony heart. come closer to me. hear the cry, see the hunger, God please come!
fall on me
i need You.
more than anything, anyone or being anywhere…
i need You.
there are times… many times in the bible when Gods chosen were brought to a place of tears, a place of questioning, a place where doubts, fears and uncertainties were all that swirled around there feet.
and its in those self same times that God reconfirmed His plan, rebirthed the vision in their lives and reiginited the passion that they needed.
you may not have all the answers, but you know who does. and thats enough.
……
you know, i think we’ve got this whole “church” idea all wrong.
im sitting here tonite, watching the superbowl. seeing what 60 maybe 70,000 screaming people who paid up to $50,000 PER SEAT to watch grown men chase a ball around a field looks like.
and these people, these fans, these worshippers are pouring their love, their adoration, their all into this game. they’re cheering when things go their way, and crying when their team cries. their lives revolve around this. there is nothing else for them. for these 4 hours, these people are one with their team. the goal is unquestioned and the vision clear. this is church. this is church in its most basic, and pure form.
church shouldnt be all stuffy, religious and “proper”. church should be someplace we can go and be encouraged. someplace to encourage, to cheer, to cry when someone falls and to be there to help them up. its a place to go when we’ve fallen, for we know our teamates will be there for us.
church should be… church should be me telling you “go april! you CAN do this”.
church should be full of people reminding you of all the times God has shown up and shown off in your life. church should be getting in your face and rebuking doubt, reminding you of who Your Father is, where your strength lies, and who is under your feet.
church should be full of coaching, learning and amazing worship services, i mean um… halftime shows.
so you know what april?
welcome to church.
im you’re fan. you can do this. victory is yours because your coach, well…
He’s the best.
so the question still remains. whats next? its nearly been two years since i got to texas. can you believe that? two years. and in some ways ive flourished, and in others, im lost wandering the land of always winter.
ive found myself, feeling very lost at times. wondering what im supposed to be doing. why i am here. where the ‘connections’ are that i seem to be missing.
april talked in her blog about the blessing her brother was coming into. the connections he had made. he was finding his place. discovering who he is. i yearn for that.
not to long ago someone said that without a vision, we die. i think it is especially true for guys. we need a goal. a vision to hold the randomness of our lives together. without a goal… without a goal we lose ourselves. we lose our ability to look up, to look beyond ourselves. and we begin to wonder if all we see around us really is all that there is.
its scary when you start to ask those questions. but if youre brave, you allow yourself to face them. althought i must say, i dont always like the answers. answers that tell me i live much of my life in fear. fear of not being good enough. of losing my job. of being the wrong person. of saying the wrong thing. of being unloved.
now i can stand here and point to specific times in my life when each of those fears were birthed. i can tell you how i logically attacked each one. how i developed very intricate strategies and defenses in dealing with them… but honestly, none of it matters.
im hungry. so desperately hungry. hungry for a church to call home. hungry for worship like bethel. to sit behind a sound board again. im hungry for a friend to just be with. hungry for the phone to ring with an invite for some coffee. its the desire to be wanted. to feel valued. to find hope in what one can offer.
we’re all born with the desire to love and be loved. we’re all born with dreams woven deeply into the very core of who we are. and when we allow ourselves to be the most real, those cries are what we hear. cries to worship. calls to dream again.
playing with a thunderstorm, the name of this blog. the name comes from the Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. in the part of the book where Aslan has just sacraficed himself to save the prodigal son, the two daughters of eve find Aslans body lying on the stone sacrificial table…. and, well, i’ll let you read it.
the stone table was broken into two pieces by a great crack that ran down it from end to end; and there was no Aslan.“oh oh oh!” cried the two girls, rushing back to the table. “oh its too bad” sobbed lucy; “they might have left the body alone.” “who’s done it?” cried susan. “what does it mean? is it more majic?”
“Yes!” said a great voice behind their backs. “It is more majic.” they turned around. there, shining in the sunrise, larger than they had seen him before, shaking his mane (for it had apparently grown again) stood Aslan himself.
“oh Aslan!” cried both of the children, staring up at him, aslmost as much frightened as they were glad. “aren’t you dead then, dear Aslan?” said lucy.
“Not now” said Aslan.
“you’re not-not a-?” asked susan in a shaky voice. she couldnt bring herslef to say the word ghost. Aslan stooped his golden head and licked her forehead. the warmth of his breath and a rich sort of smell that seemed to hang about his hair came all over her.
“do I look it?” he said.
“oh, you’re real, you’re real! oh Aslan!” cried lucy, and both girls flung themselves upon him and covered him with kisses. “but what does it all mean?” asked susan when they were somewhat calmer.
“it means,” said Aslan, “that though the Witch knew the Deep majic, there is a majic deeper still which she did not know. her knowledge goes back only to the dawn of time. but if she could have looked a little further back, into the stillness and darkness before Time dawned, she would have read there a different incantation. she would have known then when a willing victim who had commited no treachery was killed in a traitors stead, the table would crack and death itself would start working backwards. and now-“
“oh yes, now?” said lucy, jumping up and clapping her hands.
“oh, children,” said the Lion, “i feel my strength coming back to me. oh, children, catch me if you can!”
He stood for a second, His eyes very bright, His limbs quivering, lashing himself with his tail. then he made a leap high over their heads and landed on the other side of the table. laughing, though she didnt know why, lucy scrambled over it to reach him. Aslan leaped again. a mad chase began. round and round the hilltop he led them, now hopelessly out of their reach, now letting them almost catch his tail, now diving between them, now tossing them in the air with his huge and beautifully velveted paws and catching them again, and now stopping unexpectedly so that all three of them rolled over together in a happy laughing heap of fur and arms and legs. it was such a romp as no one has ever had except in Nanria; and wether it was more like playing with a thunderstorm or playing with a kitten lucy could never make up her mind….
so, the rest of the story remains to be written.
im going to dream.
im going to be someone.
im going to find my place.
and i will overcome.
i must admit that ive not spent as much time reviewing this past year as i have in previous new years posts. im sure there will be time to focus on what has happend, what is happening and what is coming, but for now… for now i think it best to list what i am thankful for.
so, 25 things in 2005 (that im thankful for)
in no particular order
the family
the job
the dog 🙂
radom IMs from rose that totally make my day
messages from jenna that challenge me
new friends
saying goodbye to old friends
mercy
grace
words of peace and of hope from april
sisters 🙂 (ok so i said family already, sue me)
Christmas!
walks in the park
trips to the zoo
starbucks
hot coffee in the morning
hot coffee in the morning that i didnt have to make
80 degrees on new years
i changed
God didnt
things learned
books read, and reading
music!
prayer
here is to 2006, to the dreamers whos dreams are slowly reawakening. to the call that resounds from the depths of our hearts. here is to…. here is to continuing to experience His presence, respond to His love, and answer the call.
(fire 2006? who knows.)
all i know is that its time to dream again
i almost always stay up past midnight. most nights its just the unintentional drive to stay awake until im exhausted, but tonight; tonight was different.
tonight was intentional. tonight…. today actually, we celebrate. our dear Saviours birth.
In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to his own town to register.
So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.
And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”
Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.”
When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.” So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.
may we rest tonight in the company of angels, in the joy of shepherds and in the determination of wise men. may our hearts be again opended to the reality of Christs birth, the simplicity of salvation and the joy that this season brings. may our hearts, our minds and our spirits be filled with His, and with all of who He is.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 