You are currently browsing the category archive for the ‘God’ category.
there are times in life when all we know and relied on is seemingly ripped from beneath us. things you thought were forever suddenly dissapear and we’re left reeling. it may be a parents divorce, or the death of a close friend or relative…. whatever caused it, its not a nice feeling.
even when circumstances reveal themselves to be differnet than what they appeared… the emotional damage may already be done. and the recovery from that can take time.
i hope that tonite, if you find yourself stunned from something you thought would always be there, you can find hope in the fact that you’re not the only one. you’re not alone. and that sometimes these times serve to remind us that maybe, just maybe we turned our attention from our first love.
its in those times when we either run to someone… or to someOne. its in those times we can see whats truly in our heart. our ability, or stark inablity to love unconditionally. our ability or inabilty to continue to trust, to have faith, to hope when our hope has been attacked, and our hearts wounded.
to remain thankful even in the difficult times.
oh Lord, please light the fire
that once burned bright and clear
replace that lamp of my first love
that burns with holy fear
that once burned bright and clear
replace that lamp of my first love
that burns with holy fear
oh Lord, You’re beautiful
Your face is all i seek
and when Your eyes
are on this child
Your grace abounds in me
sometimes, in our most selfish, if we take just one moment to stop… we realize the depths of depravity we can sink to. and we realize again how much we have to be thankful for.
there have been many changes over recent weeks. some i knew were coming, others caught me offguard. some are good, some have left me reeling and hurting. some were tremendous blessings, others may be blessings in disguise.
but in that, there is a peace. there is a knowing that no matter what changes. no matter the rugs that are ripped from below our feet… no amout of pain or heartache. in the midst of mist, the mist of questions that are unanswered… there is a peace.
a peace in knowing that im not alone through all this. that there is a reedemer. one whos is constantly looking for me. looking out for my best. even when all i can seem to do is find what i want. this one still holds out hope that ill come around and follow what is truly best for me.
nannykate asked me to update my blog. because its been quite a while. i know it has hun. and im sorry. so much has changed even recently, i honestly dont know where to begin. but its so good to hear from you. and i guess you’re part of the reason im blogging right now.
you’ve had more than you fair share of pain. you’re still young and you’ve been through so much. and yet you continue to chose to live. you wake up next to the man you love. you… you live.
and that inspires me.
seeing 7 astronauts entrust there lives to a small white capsule as they hurl themselves into the unknown of space inspires me.
i was listening on the way to work this morning to the countdown for the shuttle… and as they were broadcasting the radio communications from mission control, one of the controllers said something odd…
negative return
discovery had reached the point of negative return. as i quickly learned, that point during liftoff is when; due to speed and altitude, even if something was to go wrong, there is no turning back for the men and women on board.
that was the point of no turning back.
and from inside of me… that rang true.
ive not spent enough time of late listening to that voice. the voice that whipsers that there is more. that there is still sunlight to be felt on my face. that the dust that clouds will disappear. that life is more than this. and that reaching that point of no return, and moving beyond it… is when we truly will expierence life.
imagine it… less than 600 people have ever been in space. less than 600. thats one in 10 million people. less than 600 people have ever reached the point of negative return…
its a risky and dangerous point. there are no guarentess after that point. no promises of safety, or of a safe return (i.e. challenger, columbia). yet they pressed on. they expierenced something that most everyone never will.
they lived.
if you were to ask me if, even after all ive seen, would i be willing to press through negative return… id answer no.
and im ashamed of that.
im sitting here asking myself what happened to the joy? to the excitement of the Christian walk? what happened? where did i leave it? when did i stop pressing forward and become content with the mundane? when did i trade a life of take up your cross and follow me… for the life of take up your day planner and go to work…
what happened to the boy who wanted to see the dead raised? who had dreams and desires of becoming a pastor? what happened?
…..
life will continually make us face moments of negative return. and most of them will never be anywhere near as large as the ones that 7 crew members faced earlier today. most of them will be small and seemingly insignificant. most of them will be easy for us to overlook. they will seem to be small annoyances that snap us out of our mundane lives. they will be the things that will make us late for work, or look weird at school… they will be the times when we chose to swallow who we truly are for the we that we want others to see. they will very rarely be events. they will almost always be somethign we can forget about. but each time we chose to back down, to live a life below the one we are called to live… we take one step farther from our goal of the ultimate negative return. we chip away a little bit more of that dream that keeps the core of who we are, the real us, alive.
these 7 men and women made hundreds of yes decisions when they were preparing for this mission. they answered the call to follow those dreams long ago. and only today were those dreams fulfilled.
deep inside of us is the holy roar that crys out to each of us to break away from the pack. to step into nothingness…..
and maybe… just maybe… just like the astronauts, we will hear the holy roar, the call for something more and learn to fly.
God bless our crew….
sometimes in the midst of the mundane, of the day to day we forget how much we truly have. and sometimes, its during those times that heaven speaks. and we realize things.
things like: your attitude sucks.
and mine has over the past few weeks. ive spent a good portion of my free time stewing over things i wasnt able to do. i was using the term “missing” things, but in all reality, it wasnt truly that. it was more just being slightly miserable.
and as i was washing my car today, that thought came to me. and with it, the desire for change. now, i can tell you right now that this in no way is a sudden 180, oh heck no, im way to cynical for that. but it is a step in the right direction.
today is day 1. day 1 of 30 days. 30 days, 30 posts, 30 things to be thankful for.
thats my goal. who knows, maybe ill start some wacky blog tradition and be a hero. or something. anyway.
#1: i am thankful for my car. yes i know, somewhat shallow. but in all honesty i am very thankful for it. she is still beautiful, drives great and is almost paid off! woohoo! and besides, i was washing my car when this all came to me.
ok, day 1 is done.
now its your turn.
Lord, help me to retrain my eyes to see how much Youve done for me. awaken me again to the beauty of grace, the simplicity of trust and the wonder of You. thank You for You.
God is in control.
and be it in the big or small ways we realize and see that… i think that for this time, this is what i should be learning.
i could post more, but for now, this is enough.
so ive spent the last few months constantly worrying. fretting non-stop that ive made or will make some massive mistake. some end-of-the-world, game over thanks for playing, bang bang your dead mistake.
fear sucks.
i know, deep thoughts for this evening huh? welcome to me drowing in the depth of a parking lot puddle. but thats fear in a nutshel isnt it? a parking lot puddle. dirty. murky. so filthy its almost opaque…. but if you took that step and just put your freakin foot down you’d realize it was only centimeters deep…
and suddenly the parking lot seems a lot less intimidating. suddely, the things you’ve been fearing dont seem as overwhelmingly powerful. suddely you realize how much bigger the God who lives in you is compared to this measly, filthy collection of scum.
you take that step and suddenly your world changes. suddenly your point of view, your perspective changes. and your breath is taken away. and you realize that life may be littered with puddles. some bigger than others… some deeper than others. but thats just it… they’re freakin puddles.
ever see a dedicated runner out when its raining? they’re not dodging puddles. they’re not trying to sidestep the very byproducts of the world existing around them… they have a goal in place. their gate is steady. their eyes are fixed on the prize. now dont misunderstand, they are very aware of their surroundings… but they are focused not on their surroundings, but on where the surroundings point to.
puddles come from rain. and rain, from the rainmaker.
and if there is a rain maker, and if its true He loves me as much as He says He does, and if my steps are as ordered as He promises them to be, and if His plans for me are for good and not evil, for hope, and for an expected end… then who am i to let some dirty puddles stand between me and this rainmaking God?
Lord, you’ve given me these words. these words have not come from me. because right now, i dont feel this way. right now im still afraid. im still afraid of puddles. of messing up. of not measuring up. please help me to realize that your Son did all the measuring up that ill ever need. help me to rest in that…
and run to You.
i know, it has been a long time since ive really poured myself into this blog. ive had so many things to talk about. so many things in me that im realizing, that im afraid of, that i dont want to see, that i want to pretend dont exist.
to put it simply… i am afraid to hope.
that phrase, afraid to hope, came to me earlier today right before dinner. Mom bought each of us kids two books. two of her favorites. and honestly, my first reaction was one of fear.
it was a blessing to me. and i knew that. i concsiously knew it was meant to be a blessing. i knew that. it was something nice my mom wanted to do for me. it was, as she put it, a mushy moment. and i was scared.
im afraid to take anything that ill get emotionally involved in. im afraid to open up, to hope. to offer any part of my self as vulnerable to anyone. simply because i, simply because i dont want to lose anything else.
its a really sad and pathetic thought process. it was however, born out of the need to cope. now, its a chain thats drowning me in a sea of hopelessness.
i lost so much, that having anything that could be lost, simply terrifies me. i dont want to lose my family again. i dont want my past personal failures to determine my future. i dont want to lose my family again. i dont. i honestly, truly do not.
i lived 3 years apart from them. i did it. and i proved to myself that it could be done. and now that im back, i dont want to be apart again. at least, not under negative circumstances.
i want to hope. i honestly do. living in a hopeless existence is living in death. but im a very analytical thinker. and i want guarantees. i want promises. i want to know ill be ok. i want to know my family will be ok.
why do i still feel the same
though everything has changed
the pain it cost
now i feel lost
inside of my own name
though everything has changed
the pain it cost
now i feel lost
inside of my own name
but i keep running
i am running
i keep living for the day that im with You
that im with You
the past has left its stain
and i have felt ashamed
ill seize the day
if you take away
the chains of yesterday
and i keep running
i am running
i keep living for the day that im with You
and i am waiting
i am waiting
i keep waiting for the day that im with You
new day the sun is shining
seems im closer to finding
that life is more than what we hide
no way that i am turning
as along as the sun is burning
now it seems that all i want is you
to fear hope, is truly, to fear all that life can be. to fear hope is to remove all chances of being wounded, to remove all opportunity for hurt, to keep at arms length all that may damage or crush ones soul.
to fear hope, is truly, to fear all that life can offer. to fear hope is to remove all chances of being in love, to remove all opportunity for joy, to keep at arms length all that may bring completion, blessings and honest compassion that may help heal ones soul.
to fear hope, is truly to fear all that life is.
i dont want to live life like this.
dont give up on me yet
dont forget who i am
i know im not there yet
but dont let me stand here alone
dont forget who i am
i know im not there yet
but dont let me stand here alone
this day all i want is you
there is no one else
who can take your place
ive seen enough
and its never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you
take me away
take me away
ive got nothing left to say
just take me away
someone once said that there is love in the red letters. and i believe that the best thing i can do right now, is close with those selfsame letters.
bless the Lord, o my soul: and all that is within me, bless His holy name. bless the Lord o my soul and forget not all His benefits. who forgives all your iniquities, who heals all your diseases. who redeemeth your life from destruction, who crowns you wit lovingkindness and mercies, who satisfies your mouth with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagles.
the Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and plenteous in mercy. He has not dealt with us after our sins, nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. for as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is His mercy toward them that fear Him. as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
but the mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting upon them that fear Him, and his righteousness unot childrens children….
bless the Lord all His works in all places of is dominion, bless the Lord o my soul.
where did this come from?
in so many ways, im just stagnant.
its as if i chose to fracture my spiritual growth in segements. ill focus on one area… or specific areas, and completely ignore others.
im realizing that tonite.
im also realizing that time flies by. and that the most mundane moments in life, are sometimes the most precious.
so as i sit here, contemplating decisions that will undoubtedly impact the rest of my life, and the lives of those i care about the most… my initial reaction is to try and reason all this out. figure out how i can make this happen so that all parties involved have the best chances for happiness. but i realize it is an excercise in futility.
i guess what i want to say tonite, is this…
man cannot live… no matter how hard he tries… without sunshine. i love the sunshine. my sunshine.
and my prayer tonite,
Lord, help me to run to you. Help me fall back in love with You. and help me to surrender everything to Your hands.
God is bigger than the air i breath
the world we live in
God will save the day
and all will say
My Glorious
My Glorious
so this week will ultimately force me to face my fears…. or, do what ive realized ive been doing for the past 2 years. which is, to run from them.
i must let my apartment people know wether or not i wish to renew my lease for another year by march 15. next week monday. the choice on the other side of things… is moving down to be with my family. both options have definite high points. and there isnt any option that i dont want.
i talked with my mom tonite. and i – faced my fear – and asked if she would hate me if i chose, or thought that i should remain in new york for another year…. she said of course she wouldnt hate me. and abruptly ended the conversation.
my heart wants to think that its because the thought of me staying here another year is painful. even if it is the best thing for me. but what my heart tells me… is that im running the risk of the fate my father faced. banishment.
i know, its innane to think that way. ive not done the heinous things my father has. but when it all comes down to it, what i hear… what i see… is that my dad didnt do what mom wanted. so dad left. and never is allowed back.
so yeah. that, would be one of the most overwhelming fears ive carried the past two years. and i know that i carry pieces of it into other aspects of my life. friendships. relationships. work relationships. my work ethic. the fact that i keep my apartment immaculately clean.
its as if im somehow trying to reverse the course of the past 2 years by simply being the best me i can be. like i can somehow turn back time. and if i was just a better person, if i just listened more, if i just loved my sisters more, if i just… if i hadnt failed… then they would come back.
they would come back. we would be a family. and the world would be good.
but thats it isnt it? the fear i face? did i fail? could i have done something, anything… to have stopped what happened before it started?
ive spent the last 2 years here in new york litterally running from situations, people and memories that would force me to consider these fears. and where has it gotten me? no where. absolutely no where.
so now with less than a week to go, im forcing myself to look these fears square in the face. i need to do this. or im simply doomed to repeat the last two years.
i look back, and i see all the chances i never took, all the risks i never accepted… and all that i have to show for my paranoia? unhealed scars.
but that doenst answer the question does it? where is home? will i ever measure up for what i feel my mom needs? am i supposed to be in new york? am i supposed to be in texas? what is my role?
i dont really know how to close this post. because i wasnt honestly sure how it was going to turn out. so ill just let it go here. and wish you all a good nite.
i wanted to post an adendum to last nites blog.
new mornings bring new peace. and new oppurtunities.
and new persepectives.
now, yes. i still want to go home. but im also realizing how much i should be thankful for. ive got a job. an apartment and a car that runs. and on top of that, a family that loves me and would do anything in their power to bring me home.
so all in all – although it sucks to be so far away…. and although i still want to go home….
God is good.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 