You are currently browsing the category archive for the ‘God’ category.
save me….
we live our lives desperately yearning for the next distraction. searching, trying, clinging to the next thing that helps us lose focus of the depravity of our lives. we fight with all we have, against all we know to be truth, to simply lose ourselves in something that only hurts us in the end.
and it is in the end that we realize… that we were never the only ones were wounded.
what we need is not safety from our enemies…
its salvation from ourselves.
wake me up inside
wake me up inside
call my name and save me from myself
this is something i ended up writing a week ago or so. and the pain with which i right it…. with which pen leaves impression on paper… is overwhelming.
so ill leave you with it.
introspective… in retrospect.
you grow up thinking that you’ll be the big brother who will always be there. swim meets. first dates. prom nites. and stupid boyfriends.
i wasnt that kind of brother.
i wasnt there.
and now she’s engaged.
she’s engaged and ive not even met my soon to be brother in law.
i want to go home.
i want to spend whatever time my sisters have thats actual “growing up” time… with them.
sometimes it takes your life being jarred in a manner you didnt think would happen… for you to begin to look internally… and see how much things have changed.
ive spent 2 years up here on my own. and i suddenly realized late saturday nite that ive proved to myself that i can make it on my own. i did it. i am my own man.
and i miss my mom. so much.
its been more than a year since ive seen her.
what happened? where did the time go? and why wasnt i there?
how can i call myself a big brother… when i wasnt there. was it really just my own greed… wanting my own way that kept me up here?
its amazing isnt it? she’s grown up.
and im not there.
why?
so im not sure why im deciding to post tonite.
ive been thinkin just a little bit about a question someone i care for asked me a few days ago.
why do we have winter?
now understand, tthis question was posed during a period of subzero windchills… (minus 30 tomorrow)
i ended up speaking with someone else earlier this week about a cello we had gotten a chance to listen to. a 300 year old, $40,000 cello. and we ended up talking about the Stradivarius Violins. about how pure and beautiful they sound…
and how, they just figured out why these specific violins outshine all others.
its the wood.
the wood they’re made with was taken from the tree line of a mountain region. the trees at this altitude were the first ones to fight through the cold ground and actually thrive… just a few feet higher in altitude and all plant life stops.
this is where the wood came from.
and it was because of the insane winters, the gale force winds, the blazing heat from the sun…. the overall harsh living conditions, that created a wood that was more dense than anything out there. the very cellular structure of the wood was different than that of violins made from the same type of trees from less intimidating evrioments.
this wood, in the hands of a master, becomes something of beauty. something that now is valued in the millions of dollars. something that was more than the simple sum of its parts.
so to answer the question…
our winters force our roots to go deep. we either fight through what we’re going through… or we die.
if we choose to fight, we’re forever changed. and one step closer to being something beautiful…
when played, in the Masters hand.
so im sitting here to post… not because ive anything pressing on my mind or heart, but simply because im beginning to think that my blog – and the world of faithful readers out there – were feeling akin to the ignored friend. well, please… know you’re not.
dawn, im sorry ive not been online and able to talk more. i miss ya:-)
courtney, thank you so much for my Christmas card. it made my holiday lots brighter!
skip, thank you for your support, friendship, and the dvds. you’re yovey!
so the holidays are over. is it wrong of me to say im actually thankful? im not sure.
Christmas was ok, spent the morning of on the phone with my family while they opened gifts. then it was off to my moms side for a late afternoon thing. spent that evening with skip. all in all a good day.
spent the 26th at my dads side for a few hours. ended up losing it and just balling in the parking lot of Sams club later that day.
you see, my dog angel… who is now… wow, 11 years old… resides at my grandparents farm now (dads side). she (angel) is the only immediate family i have within a 1000 miles. and it had been months since id been out there to visit. of course she still knows me… happily said hi. she loves it there. its like a 500 acre retirement home for dogs.
seeing angel…. all the memories… wow.
after my dads side, and hangin with the dog… i ended up in the parking lot of sams club. balling my eyes out on skips shoulder. i miss my family. i miss my dog.
my sister said that this Christmas was the first time in 2 years that mom actually had a smile on her face when she woke up that morning.
they actually had a christmas dinner. no dennys this year.
and honestly, those two things right there… are simply put… the best two gifts i received this year.
they say you can see God in the little things in life. they say He works in mysterious ways sometimes. i think, that for this anyway… they are right.
its amazing isnt it. as i sit here, i am literally staring directly at the keyboard. watching as my fingers put together something that i hope has at least one thread of cohesive thought.
26 simple letters.
its all were ever given in this life.
our greatest accomplishments… our worst failures…
all will be conveyed, shared, remembered, and forgotten using naught but these 26 simple letters.
so maybe as i sit here and watch my fingers… maybe im allowing myself to learn something.
maybe this season isnt so much about each individual aspect. maybe its not specifically the Christmas cookies, or caroling, or eggnog or presents under a sparkling, colorful tree… its not giving, receiving or any of the other things we do that make this season so special…
its not one specific thing. the spirit of Christmas doesnt reside in cookies, or presents or eggnog… the spirit of Christmas is in each of us. and to the extent we allow ourselves to love, and be loved… is the extent at which we see the spirit of Christmas.
as of right now, 9 days, 55 minutes is all we have till Christmas.
and all we have to communicate our love to those lucky enough to receive it, is 26 simple letters.
my prayer for tonite?
simply this.
that i make the most of both
i prayed a simple prayer last nite.
one of surrender… and one… for love.
i am litterally nothing without His love in my life. keeping me alive and keeping me sane.
im realizing that it is His love that allows me to be civil, to in fact love, those that i held things against for a long time. and im realizing that if i dont allow His love to continually reside in my life – in the core of who i am – that those old hurts, wounds… grudegs… come back.
faith, hope and love.
but the greatest of these
is love
within the past 4 days, my plans for christmas have changed probably as many times.
first, i wasnt headed down to texas for the holidays…
then, i was.
then i wasnt so sure…
then it was january
now were looking at february or march
i dont know. i just dont know anymore.
Take this blindfold off of me
I’m walking but I cannot see
Mysteries fly at my feet
The answers come with no relief
tonite, my prayer… is one that i feel ive forgotten how to pray. its a simple prayer. a prayer of surrender.
Take this blindfold off of me
I’m crawling, grabbing, breathing for the way I can see
Hold me, take me, run with me, I know you’ll ignite
A battered flame that once was bright
my cry tonite
be my hiding place…..
When you live by grace with God, its not a matter of making yourself obey His commands to the letter; its simply living with the promise that you cant and its all right.
read the article here.
i dont think tonite will have me pouring my heart out…
tonite, i choose simplicity.
the simplicity of sin.
the simplicity of grace.
and the knowing, that the latter far outweighs the former. now, then, and for always.
thank You, for Grace.
and its looking more and more like ill end up coming very close to the year mark.
the last time i saw my mom was january 13, 2003. and chances are, i may not be going down there until the second or third week in january 2004.
1 whole year.
have you ever looked back on something, and – realizing that you actually completed it – are caught off guard because you honestly wish you didnt know what you now are aware of? you wish that you didnt know that you could handle what was thrown your way?
ive been in ny now, on my own more or less (thank you God for being with me) for more than 2 years. and im suddenly being hit with something i wasnt expecting…
its not regret. dont get me wrong, id give anything to see my mom for christmas. absolutely anything…. but its not regret. im beginning to feel the burden of being the ‘man’ in the family.
i guess i shouldnt be surprised by this feeling. but honestly, i am. i mean, its been more than 2 years since dad left. ya think i would have run into this much earlier.
why now?
because….
its official. sarah (sister #1) has a boyfriend. not just a “boyfriend”. this would constitute her very first ‘adult’ relationship. and i cant give the obligatory “touch her and ill rip your eyes out of the back of your head, cook them, and feed them to you” speach to the lucky guy.
and bethany is having car issues. its weird. i realize i know next to nothing about fixing cars… i mean, i can change the oil, check fluid levels, change a tire… etc… but im not there.
and thats the thing.
these are the moments where DAD is supposed to be nothing more than a phone call away. that way, no matter what happens… flat tire, bad date… whatever… they would be ok. because dad would be there.
but he’s not.
and neither am i.
should i be? does anyone happen to know what role i should be playing right now?
seems to be a question im asking myself a lot right now. and for more reasons, more situations, than just the family.
anyway, to bring to a close my opening thoughts…
maybe life is more than the sum of our expierences. im hoping that thats the case.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 