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if you’re anything like me, the word “whole” wouldn’t be one you would use to describe yourself. not your real self. not the you that you don’t let others see. the you that you are when you’re alone. the you that only the closest friends know is there, that you probably wouldn’t be associated with the word “whole”.
more than likely that you is damaged. broken. scarred. and if you’re like most people you’re afraid to actually let that you, be seen. you worry it’s unlovable. ugly. lacking in anything good or beautiful.
you’ve bought into the belief that that you, isnt valuable.
all you see are the scars, the stains of past mistakes, the brokenness and missing pieces.
and the holidays, are especially hard. surrounded by family. by friends who seem to have it all together, you wonder if you’ll ever get to a place where you can breathe easy. where you dont walk around waiting for the other shoe to drop. for someone to lift your shoddily constructed facade and see the real, broken you, that hides underneath.
i’m realizing that this world was never designed to function in brokenness. that we were never meant to live our lives putting on masks, hiding our real selves. not when every stain is an opportunity for redemption. or when every broken piece, a chance for restoration. not when every unlovable part, was covered by unconditional love. and not when One can see through the facade, and love the real you.
Christ’s love makes the church whole.
(eph 5:26)
whole.
His love. makes the church, me, whole.
it’s not instant. i know that. my story is a testament to that. it’s a process. but as we chose to uncover each peace of the real us, that process begins.
He sees you. just as you are. broken, stained. pieces missing, ugly and unlovable. and He loves you.
i know. because He loves me too.
future of forestry – the earth stood still:
a teenage girl and her soon-to-be
a simple trip far as they could see
the sky was clear and the hour serene
but did they know what the night would bring?
lonely hearts strewn across the land
they’d been waiting long for a healing hand
my heart was there and i felt the chill
when Love came down and the earth stood still
when Love came down and the earth stood still
shepherds stood under starry skies
tasting grace that would change their lives
the angels trembled and the demons did too
for they knew very well what pure grace would do
the hope of the world in a baby boy
i remember him well like i was there that night
my heart was there and i felt the chill
when Love came down and the earth stood still
i keep coming back to this song. to how much my heart aches to be written, fully, into the story being told around me.
i get so frustrated throughout the day by the very things that, in an eternal perspective, will never matter. things that carry very little weight, that hold no long-term value or purpose.
and although i started this post a few weeks ago, i’m wondering if it’s turning into an answer to yesterdays post.
because i know, down deep, that belief isnt enough. i know, i think we all know at some level that sometimes there are no shortcuts. sometimes the mountain is there not to be moved, or for us to go around, but for us to learn to climb. sometimes we must go through the storm simply because some lessons cannot be learned any other way.
it’s those times, we learn what trust really is.
and its in those times, that our stories are written. stories worth reading. stories worth retelling. stories worthy of the calling that has never left our lives.
One Sonic Society – Burn
how often has it been said that someone walked within their destiny? that they found exactly what they were called to do, and did it? history records those people as few and far between. washington, lincoln, luther. they found their destiny, saw it through to the finish and the world was never the same.
the more i live, the more i believe this is a rare quality. that we, as humanity, has settled for good enough. that we’ve given up on the possible and the potential, for the present and the popular. that we’ve given up on our dreams to chase after the things that the world says we should want.
that we’re supposed to want the 3.7 kids, dog and white picket fence. that 2500sq ft and a 2 car garage is the dream we should all have.
i think that’s settling. i think that’s buying into the hype of the world we live in.
dont misunderstand me – i would love those things. i would love to provide a beautiful house to a beautiful woman. i would love to give something like that, to someone like that. but this ‘dream’ is not about blessing anyone. its not about who you helped yesterday, or that those closest to you may need your help right now… its about how big your flat panel hd tv is. it’s about what year your car is.
—-
we were created with purpose. with destiny woven into the very core of our being. we were created to know and understand at a very basic level that we are temporal beings. that life on this earth isnt everything. that the 70-90ish years we spend on this planet are but a whisper in the stories told throughout history.
tonight, i am asking a tough question. its one i dont like to think about, much less bring into the blogosphere.
tonight, i am wondering if there is destiny left for me. if there is still a story to be told. if there is still purpose, still dreams to be dreamt, and if those dreams, will one day be reality.
its not that i doubt, in my mind, that there are still stories to be told, and dreams to be chased after. but in my heart? i doubt. i question. i wonder if the chance has come and gone.
tonight, i face my own doubts. and i wonder, question if i still have what it takes. if i ever had what it took. i question if ive made the right decisions. if decisions i made years ago were the right ones. and tonight, i regret some decisions i cannot unmake.
there was a time in my life where i rarely questioned the calling i felt. where i thought i knew what i was supposed to be, who i was supposed to be. when i thought i knew what a man looked like. tonight, thats all been replaced with shades of gray.
i guess, what it really comes down to, is if i still believe. if i still can hold onto the simple truth that there is still hope. maybe tonight i need to realize that i’m not surrounded by shades of gray, but by shades of grace.
and that these are good questions to ask, because they make me face the dark areas inside of my heart.
because the heart, is the key thing.
if we were created with destiny in the very fiber of who we are, then it’s our hearts that know this. its our hearts that whisper these truths in the most inopportune times. its these whispers we try to drown in busyness, in work, in more. more stuff, more money, more time, more effort.
its almost as if we know, deep in who we are, that our hearts are central to our lives. and yet, when our hearts whisper to us that we were meant for more, it scares us. and we do all we can to hide from that. we do what we can to pretend its not there. that freshly painted picket fences and a 2011 car in the garage somehow complete us.
all the while, our hearts know better.
so tonight, i’m listening. im listening to the whispers of my heart, and in those, i’m hearing the echo’s of the heart of the Creator. of the great story teller.
and although i wont pretend my doubts are gone, i have hope.
and i still beli(eve).
brooke fraser – orphans, kingdoms
One Sonic Society – Walk With Me
and sometimes the revelations come at the oddest of times, and because of the oddest of reasons.
we all do it. we all work hard, hoping to be good enough. praying that this little extra bit that we didnt give yesterday, that the increase in effort or time, the extra energy spent, the attention focused, that all our efforts and striving would bring us success, peace and rest.
its a hard lesson to learn, that we’ll never, in our own strength, enter into that rest. enter into the joy, the peace, that we know exists if only because our souls remember a time when they existed surrounded by it.
its a hard lesson, realizing, and allowing ourselves to fully grasp that we will never be good enough. that we are not, right this very moment, good enough.
some of us, myself included, when faced with the reality of that awakening, do everything we can to pretend its not there. we work hard, we strive more, we sleep less and give everything we have to be just that little bit….. better.
that little bit. that will catch that girls attention. or will make you less invisible.
that little bit that will make you lovable. beautiful. wanted.
that little bit which will complete the puzzle of your heart.
that will complete the map, show you the way, and lift the fog which veils your destiny.
that little piece, which never fits.
so we try it again. we start the whole cycle over. we work even harder, sleep even less, love us less but buy more. we bend to others wills, sacrificing our own dreams at the altars of desires of those we barely know.
all for the hope that we’ll be loved. we’ll find peace. we’ll find that rest. we’ll be lovable. successful. wanted. worthy of fighting for.
i realized. just now. that ive been fighting for all the wrong reasons. ive been fighting to find that place of peace. that piece that fits and makes the world a better place. that piece that unveils the mystery, that blows the fog away and reveals the path in which i should walk. that one thing that changes everything. that makes life beautiful. that would make me beautiful lovable, wanted.
i realized, just now that ive been working towards something i will never be able to have or control. ive been working, striving, sleeping little, all for the acceptance of those who surround me. friends, coworkers, church members, in all honesty, it doesnt matter who it was.
what matters is that ive not yet found that piece. what matters is that monday morning is hours away, and the pressure i exert on myself, to perform, to win people over, to get them to ‘like’ me…. is powerful.
its powerful because i give it power.
its powerful because i believe that its in acceptance of others, is joy. and hope. and peace. and rest. and the knowledge that i am lovable, wanted, and worthy to be fought for.
i believe all that when there was One who, 2000 years ago, proved all that. when there was One who fought for me. who showed me i was lovable. who offers peace, and rest, and joy, and strength, and….
the missing piece.
i can plan, and strive. i can work ceaselessly. i can do everything i possibly can to fill the void that exists in the center of who i am. but the honest truth, the truth that we all must come to realize…. that i must come to realize, is that it will never be enough.
is that i am not enough. and i never will be. but He is. and He always will be.
and it’s in that realization, not that i’ll never be enough, but that He is enough, its in realizing that He is the missing piece, the one who created the hole in our souls, the one who planted in us the knowing that we were once surrounded by joy and peace, its in realizing that He is it, He is that joy and peace, that we find what we’re looking for.
it’s in that realization, that we see our true value, that we see we are beautiful, lovable, wanted, fought for.
in Your presence, Lord
there is joy, there is joy
in Your presence, Lord
there is life that never ends
One Sonic Society – Walk With Me
author of the world, walk with me
rule of the earth, walk with me
calmer of the storm, walk with me
healer of my heart, walk with me
how i need You
how i need You
oh Jesus
walk with me
light for every step, walk with me
giver of each breath, walk with me
how i need You
how i need You
oh Jesus
walk with me
how i love You
how i love You
oh Jesus
walk with me
in Your presence, Lord
there is peace, there is rest
in Your presence, Lord
there is life that never ends
in Your presence, Lord
there is joy, there is joy
in Your presence, Lord
there is life that never ends
there is something powerful about watching the rescue effort finally come to fruition. something that calls deeply to our souls, that whispers “this is right”.
it’s like we are born knowing that we were meant to rescue, and worthy of rescue. and when a story of this magnitude, when men move mountains to save a few lives, we see flashes of our Fathers love or us.
for it is in these moments, these moments of rescue, that our true calling, our destiny is most clear.
He came to seek and save that which was lost. and He has asked us to do the same.
one sonic society – our God will come
i spent a significant portion of the last week worrying about things i honestly have no control over. and im only now realizing that i’ve been coaching my team at work, to not worry about the things in our profession that we have no control over.
i think we use the word worry, to cover a multitude of deeper questions that we ask ourselves, but rarely, if ever, get uttered out loud.
questions about why certain people get sick. or where the next car payment is going to come from. questions about why someone you love gets laid off, or why he left. how you’ll pay off that credit card, or will she actually get well.
if you’re like me, those questions immediately force us to look inward, we start to question our own worth. our own worthiness. and we question the power, the will of the One we believe set the planet in orbit.
those questions haunt. they keep us up at night. they gnaw on our souls and pick apart our peace. they destroy, bit by tiny bit, the fragile faith that lives inside of us.
when our focus fades from the One who set the stars in the sky, we lose sight of the beauty that is around us. we lose sight of the awe, the amazing, the beautiful and breathtaking. we lose the birdsong in the morning, the sun dappled canopy of trees and the crimson sunset in the evening. when we lose our focus; the challenges we face, the loneliness, the loss, the heartache, become overwhelming. we lose our sense of purpose, our sense of direction, and our reason for being.
when we lose our focus, when we lose sight of the Author of the story we’re living, our hearts grow calloused, and the ancient music flowing through our souls fades. we begin to drown in the very things we were told we would be victorious over. we struggle to breath. we fight for the things that should come easily, and we grasp at the things we’ve been asked to surrender.
when we lose sight of the One who calls the stars by name, we lose our very selves. we lose all of what matters in life.
we lose life.
admitting i need help, doesnt come easily. im stubborn, and probably proud.
ive walked a lot of this past decade alone. not that i didnt have friends and family, but i didnt let them in. i never showed weakness. i rarely let my emotions show. and when given the chance, i choke. i freeze. the questions strangle the words. and the questions tell me i am unworthy. that their friendship is conditional, that if they knew the real me, they’d leave. like my father left. that i am not worthy of the love they so freely offer. so i do what i ‘know’ is coming, and i cut off the relationship before it gets too deep.
and then i wonder, why the loneliness hurts so much.
—
‘Well, Sam!’ he said, ‘What about it? I am leaving the Shire as soon as ever I can – in fact I have made up my mind now not to even wait a day at Crickhollow, if it can be helped.’
‘Very good, sir!’
‘You still mean to come with me?’
‘I do.’
‘It is going to be dangerous, Sam. It is already dangerous. Most likely, neither of us will come back.’
‘If you don’t come back sir, then i shan’t, that’s certain,’ said Sam. ‘Don’t you leave him! they said to me. Leave him! I said. I never mean to. I am going with him, if he climbs to the Moon, and if any of those Black Riders try to stop him, they’ll have Sam Gamgee to reckon with, I said.
—
i’m learning that if i ever want to walk free of this pain, it means becoming reacquainted with my heart. it means allowing myself to feel again, even the things that hurt. it means digging deep into the reasons i feel so unworthy, and bringing them to the light.
it means being real with myself, and with those who call me friend.
we were born for community. for friendship. for being there. we were born to walk this life with others. after adam was created, God created (eve) to complete the story. as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. a cord of three strands is not easily broken.
to hope we get through this life unscathed is a foolish hope. but to hope that we see the beauty that surrounds us, that we hear the song that was written and sung by those who walked these paths before us, to hope that we hear the birds, see the sun dappled trees and the crimson tide of the sunset, to hope that we find beauty in unlikely places, and friends in unlikely people is a real hope. it is a wise hope. it is a hope birthed not in us, but in the Author writing this story.
we will be bruised, wounded, broken. but it needn’t be the end of our story. if we allow ourselves to refocus on the One who has never left our side, if we let go of the things we’ve grasped on to, and learn, again, to breath, we will get through it.
the roads we’re asked to walk may never be easy, they may even be dangerous. but they can be beautiful, if we can find the beauty in the brokenness. there is completion. there is healing, if we’d only believe that this, we, our story, is far from over.
the Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners
–Isaiah 61
mutemath – stall out
racing on a fault line
bracing for a landslide
conscious of everything getting harder
has the race goes underwater
i keep stalling out
i just cant keep up
there’s alarming doubt
am i good enough?
but You keep coming around
to convince me
its still far from over
we are still far
we are still far
we are still far
from over
God’s glory is on tour in the skies, God-craft on exhibit across the horizon. …their words aren’t heard, their voices aren’t recorded, but their silence fills the earth: unspoken truth is spoken everywhere.
-psalm 19
the more i learn, the more i am convinced that we live our lives blinded to the miraculous. that we live cocooned inside of our preconceived notions. notions that require us to be good enough, righteous enough, or holy enough to earn the love of this being we called God.
notions that have, for the large majority of our lives, defined us. they control our habits, tell us what to buy and how to dress. notions that say that “good christians dont ____“. notions that control, that we allow to control.
i think we had it right, growing up. when the biggest questions we ever asked was whose house we’d play at the next day. when gi joes, legos and starwars equaled life. when love wasnt something we questioned, or wondered about. when we knew we were loved. when we knew our value because we didnt know anything else.
i dont want to live inside of these notions. of believing that miracles are the result of something i have to do. that grace must be earned, that unconditional love is conditional. i dont want to live fenced inside of these false beliefs. these controlling pretenses.
and i think thats that He’s been after all along.
to get us to step outside of our barriers. to stop trying to earn what He’s already paid the price for. to believe, that this unconditional love, is unconditional.
and that whispered inside this silent fullness, exists something ancient. something we knew at one time, something that we know must still exist because our hearts still yearn for it. something that we know if only because we see the lack of it in our lives. we hear the echoes as it call to our souls. it calls for us to to believe that unspoken truth is spoken everywhere.
and that this truth is simple. it is ancient. and it is beautiful.
He will never let us go. ever.
fee – arms that hold the universe
you will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart…
– Jeremiah 29:13
“what more can be said, what greater case can be made than this: to find God, you must look with all your heart. to remain present to God, you must remain present to your heart. to hear His voice, you must listen with your heart. to love Him, you must love with all your heart. you cannot be the person God meant you to be, and you cannot live the life He meant you to live, unless you live from the heart.”
– John Eldredge
Waking the Dead
king of this heart – matt readman:
the last time i sat, and simply watched the world go by, i was more than a thousand miles from here. and, as im now realizing, facing some of the same challenges. and i grasped then, as i do now, that there is so much more going on here than i’ll probably ever understand. that there is more to the story than i allow myself to see.
i, like so many of us, had given up on the mythos that calls to our hearts. the mystery and myth that swirls through our favorite stories. i’d given up on adventure, on stories worth telling.
in so many ways, ive believed the lie that this life is all that there is. that face value, is real value.
and i am reminded tonight that there is more to the story than i see right now. that life isnt 9-5, pivot tables and time-sheets. im reminded that we were called to live life abundantly. and i am reminded that there exists one who’s very goal is to keep us from that life.
John Eldredge in Waking the Dead talks of this mythos. of realizing that there is more. he says
“of all the Eternal Truths we dont believe, this is the one we doubt most of all. our days are not extraordinary. they are filled with the mundane, with hassles mostly. and we? we are… a dime a dozen. nothing special really. probably a disappointment to God. but as CS Lewis wrote, “the value of… myth is that it takes all the things we know and restores them to the rich significance which has been hidden by the ‘veil of familiarity.'” you are not what you think you are. there is a glory to your life that your enemy fears, and he is hell-bent on destroying that glory before you act on it. this part of the answer will sound unbelievable at first; perhaps it will sound too good to be true; certainly, you will wonder if its true for you. but once you begin to see with those eyes, once you have begun to know it is true from the bottom of your heart, it will change everything.
the story of your life is the long and brutal assault on your heart by the one who knows what you could be and fears it.”
so as i sit, and the world is passing me by, i am realizing, again that starbucks, commuting, and this 2 dimensional world i so often chose to live in, isnt all there is.
i spent the majority of last week in Michigan on business. and throughout the trip, i kept mulling on the word adventure. i had prayed, before i left, that the trip would be a success and that i would find an adventure. the trip went well, and although the adventure i’d asked for did come, it wasnt at all what i had expected.
one comment my boss said last week, stuck with me. we were talking about hobbies, about how i love antiques and music, and about how he loves classic cars and 40’s big band. and he said that when he retired, he’d love to set up a dark room, go shooting, and develop his own photos.
he said it wasnt because he wanted to be a great photographer, or that he even enjoyed taking pictures. he said….
“sometimes, its not the picture that matters. sometimes is the process of developing it.”
sometimes its not the destination that matters, but the process of getting there.
sometimes, its not where one is headed, but that one travels. sometimes the goal isnt the destination, but about living life. and you… i will never live this life sitting still. i wont live it behind a computer screen, or inside my cocooned world of electronic gadgetry.
life is found when we risk something. and life is lived, when we get something wrong. when we think we know something, and we realize that we were completely incorrect.
and completely incomplete.
its in those moments, when another page of our story is written. and we look back upon the words we spoke, the messages we delivered, the way we loved, or didnt, and we learn. we learn who we are, and where we need to change. we learn about our lives, our hearts, our hurts, and the hurts of others.
its in those moments that we see ourselves for who we really are.
and its in those moments we see others for who they are.
(eve)- i once thought i knew who you were. i once thought i understood where i was, where this was headed. i realize now, that there may be things i’m never certain of.
that doesnt mean you’re not out there. life is mysterious, it is mythic, to be lived fully, and should be revered as such. as deep, wide, and all-consuming. it should be looked at as an adventure.
and if living in this adventure means being uncertain of more things than i am certain of, then so be it.
because it will be worth it. because following this story through to the end, because reading this opus, because getting lost in the myth, will be worth it.
because you, loving you, will be worth it.
so i will live in the adventure now, to be ready for that time. i will jump headlong into the story of my life. and when you appear, i will be ready.
future of forestry – set your sails
we live our lives trying to maintain balance. driven to play fair, all the while veiling our intent of protecting what we feel is rightfully ours.
we live balancing our own desires for self preservation and expansion, with the knowledge that we should play nice. we may, on occasion, look out for another, or step outside of our comfort zone. but we do so only when we know we are mere steps away from being in control. we only risk what doesnt matter. and we only give what we can live without.
we donate our old books, our used clothes, the shoes and tupperware we no longer need. but we keep the new, the best, for ourselves.
we dont give grace, we dont live out the realness of mercy. sure, we can when it doesnt cost, or when its something we no longer need. but ask for something we just obtained? step into and muddy our comfort zone? and we forget the grace we ourselves, were given.
take something we believe is rightfully ours, and see how little we truly understand this thing called grace.
back into our car and drive off, catch us doing something embarrassing and laugh, trip us up and make us stumble, and you’ll see what we’re made of.
topple our painstakingly created house of cards and you will not find grace. you will not find mercy. you will not find someone conscious of the grace they were given.
shatter our facade, and you will see us as we are. broken, wounded, hungry, scarred and scared. and in our own eyes, unworthy of the grace we have been shown. and in that perception, in that lack of belief, of trust in the grace given, we lash out. we defend, our turf, our selves, our self-worth.
you dont see grace, because we lost sight of it.
you dont see grace, because i lost sight of it.
—
the highest calling we will ever be given, isnt to preach to millions, or have our writings inspire the masses. it’s not to raise awareness of the poor or funds for the downtrodden.
it is to love, as Christ loved.
it is to show grace, as He showed grace.
it is to be real, and honest, and let people see us, for us. for the broken, wounded, hungry, scarred and scared people that we are. but it’s also to show them, that this isnt all of who we are.
that there is more.
that we’ve been shown grace.
that our wounds are healing. that are fears, are falling by the wayside.
that we answered a divine invitation, and our lives were never the same.
,,,,,,
future of forestry – divine invitation
in this divine invitation
we find Your embrace
and in our deep adoration
see the light of Your face
in this divine invitation
we all find the place
for our souls
where the longings were born long ago
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 