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I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are.
so much changes, and sometimes it still seems like so much stays the same. the only way i can describe it, is that im realizing that ive been living in a black and white world. and only now are my eyes opening. and im finally seeing this amazing, beautiful thing called ‘color’.
im stuck between two extremes. on the one hand, what i know. home. safety. and on the other? life. abundant, beautiful, breathtaking life, love and color.
It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened?
i think im finally coming to some idea of what the future may hold. of where im going to be. of what the next part of my life will look like. for so long i’ve put everything on hold. part of it was for good reasons, others was simply out of my own fears.
But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.
so much changes, and yet so much stays the same. im not the same person i was just a few weeks ago. i know im not. things have changed. I have changed. and im not happy here anymore. i want room. space. a place to breath. this part of my story is starting to draw to a close. the next page is turning.
so often, we run from the things that we dont like. we strain and strive for the things that make us comfortable. and when were not comfortable, everyone knows. we fight for our rights, for whats ours. and somehow, in the cacophony of voices screaming for what they want, we lose sight of what is most important.
we lose sight of our reason for being here. of hope. of love. we lose sight of the things that are truly worth fighting for. we lose sight of those we love, of the injustices in the world, and the path we were given to tread.
life was never meant to be easy. because anything easily gotten has no value. life was meant to have battles. it was meant to have risk. we are supposed to know how valuable life is. and we’re supposed to live accordingly.
i’m not promising that i’ll never feel lost. because i will.
i just know this
i hear it. its in the pre-dawn song of the birds, in the roar of the wind and the flash of the lightning. its there. you hear it to.
life is calling.
and i’m answering the call.
Frodo: I can’t do this, Sam.
Sam: I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened?
But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.
Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why.
But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?
Sam: That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo… and it’s worth fighting for.
racing
on a fault line
bracing
for a landslide
conscious
of every move getting harder
has the race gone
underwater?
i keep stalling out
i just cant keep up
there is alarming doubt
am i good enough?
but you keep coming around
to convince me
its still far from over
from over
we are still far
we are still far
we are still far
from over
Mutemath
to demand grace, forgiveness, and mercy… and not extend it to those who need it as much as i do? who am i to hold others past failings and shortcomings against them? mine were not held against me.
mercy is completely unfair, and yet it eternally levels the playing field. we all need grace, we all need mercy. and its only when we realize how much we’ve been forgiven, how dark the black in our soul is, that we realize we’re just like everyone else.
mercy reminds us, of the love of a Father. for you – His child…. and for them. His children.
mercy allows us to be real. and even if its for the first time in… as long as i can remember, its a breath of fresh air. a promise of what is to come. of what Faith is based on…. and of what life was supposed to be all about.
mercy allows us to see ourselves, the way our Father does.
so much has changed in such a short period of time. i’m not the same person i was even a week ago. and i may not be there yet. i may have only caught the briefest glimpse of this thing called grace…. but im not stopping.
the idea of fatherhood mystifies me. i dont understand it. not in the way that, at 28, i’d want to.
it’s foreign. its weird. its something i never grew up with and am therefore lost on how to quantify it. ronald miller described it as owning a dragon, something he’d never had. something i dont think i had.
we were designed to walk this path with a father figure. with someone who had walked it before us. who could pass down their wisdom and the wisdom they received from their fathers, and the wisdom their fathers received from their fathers….
someone who knew the pitfalls and the potholes, where to see the beauty in the midst of the cracked concrete. where to find the music, the worship, in the midst of the asphalt and blacktop. someone who knows that in the pain of growing, there is life… and knows how to make that life shine.
we were never meant to walk this path alone. sometimes though, thats exactly how it feels.
a father is supposed to be there. to be the one we run to, when we skin our knee or have our heart broken. they’re supposed to offer guidance, wisdom and common sense.
a father is supposed to be there.
—
i feel broken. incomplete. like im missing some major key, some vital piece of this puzzle that is life. a piece that everyone else got. that im so far behind in the game, that even attempting to play would be a wasted endeavor.
if i was honest tonight, id say that i dont feel i fit. i dont have any close friends down here. none. and that, for the most part is my fault.
my life revolves around work. and i can pretend that im happy with that. i can hide the pain under the effort, the reports and pivot tables, the spreadsheets and conference calls. but its all ive got.
im alone, in the 5th largest metropolitan area in the us. and im looking for my own place. somehow, those to seem to be complete opposites.
—
somewhere inside of me, is a voice that whispers
surrender
it’s a voice that reminds me of a young man who was abandoned to the call. who worshiped like no one else was around. and who was close to the heartbeat of his Heavenly Father.
that seems so long ago. and so much has changed.
i grew up.
and part of me wants to pack my bags (so to speak) and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. turn my back on this Heavenly Father figure and just step out on my own.
because i blame Him. for this. for the pain. the hurt. for what my mom and sisters went through. and for what their going through now. i blame Him for my own fathers shortcomings.
how can i surrender to that? to that call? how can i say that it doesnt matter? it does. it matter. doesnt it?
and the funny thing is, i wouldnt be here if it wasnt for Him. if it wasnt for His grace, mercy and provision… i wouldnt be breathing.
i am who i am today, because He loves me. even when i cannot admit it to myself. its the truth.
its not very easy to start a post about this subject. much less a conversation with anyone. but its still something that beats at the very core of my being.
romance. or more accurately, love.
i watched the Truman show today, and i realized something. i realized that there is this quiet yearning in my being for what Truman had. someone to fight for.
there is this deep knowing that there is something, some… one worth fighting for. this knowing that a battle isnt a bad thing, in fact, its a very good thing. fighting for something only increases ones understanding of the value of what you’re fighting for.
i want someone to love. to fight for.
there is this knowing inside of me. thats more true than the lies i hear, and those i tell myself. that is deeper than the pain of history, and past experiences. there is this knowing that speaks volumes in the silence. this knowing that says that some things are worth the risk.
some… one. is worth loving with all i am.
is worth looking like a complete idiot for.
is worth the risk of the biggest rejection of ones life.
is worth the pain, the hurt and the fear that comes from looking at this person, and knowing that to love them they way they need to be loved, one needs to face their own demons.
yes, there is risk, and the possibility of falling flat on ones face. and i could be totally wrong. but sometimes, you’ve just got to do something
there are dances to be danced. memories to be made. a life, together, to be lived.
….
my fear? is that i’ll never be enough. that i’ll never be good enough, or strong enough, or stable enough… to offer that love to someone. that
‘i don’t care of the earth crumbles under my feet i. will. still. love. you.’
love.
the simplicity and complexity of the Christian is that we’re nothing without His unconditional love. we’re empty, broken, void of good. that without Him, and His love – we are nothing.
and its in those moments, watching the moon disappear behind the clouds. watching the sunset… or the stars on a brisk winter night. its in those moments when we feel our smallest, that we realize how much we need that unconditional love.
and how we yearn to give it away.
how we are designed to live this life with others. in close fellowship.
we’re a people of second chances. we’re a people of mistakes, brokenness, and failure. and yet through all that, Christ still sees something in us that He loves. unconditionally.
beyond the desire for romance, i want that gift. to see people as He does. with eyes of unconditional love. with eyes that see beyond the sin, the pain, the brokenness… and see the value of what He placed in them.
….
its how i want some… one, to see me.
and its how i want to see them.
dear Lord, make it so.
now playing: to rescue me – the choir
the Israelites journey to their land of promise was full of danger. and im not trying to be dramatic here, but it was. starvation, more powerful and better equipped armies, taking what was probably millions of people through a desert, each one of those could have decimated the nation of israel. but they made it.
and God commanded them to not forget that which they came through. to tell it to their children. to tell their story.
for so long i always thought it was to remember the greatness of the God they served. i’m learning that this may not have been the case. at least, not entirely.
God wanted to remind His children of their story. of where they came from. he wanted to remind them who they were, before.
now that they were free, they would have forgotten that they were captured. now that they had homes, jobs and success, they would have forgotten that they were once broken, lost, homeless…. slaves.
he wanted to remind them of who they were…. so they wouldnt forget His love. how far He went to free them, to provide for them, and to bring them to Himself.
he wanted them to know that their story mattered. not only to them, but to those who would follow.
their story of rescue, redemption, provision, healing…
…..
so now i sit, sipping some tea. the choir playing. and i realize how much like the Israelites i truly am.
its easier for me to pretend that my story isnt what it is. that i didnt need rescuing, that im not still in need of redemption. and that, if left to my own will… i’d end up captive.
my freedom didnt come from me. and as hard as it is to my arrogant, ignorant and blissfully prideful self, its the truth.
my story matters. because it was when i was broken, homeless, captive. a slave. when i was a slave, He came for me.
and when i forget that, when i chose to pretend i didnt need saving… i end up lost.
i realize that a house, success, a job, family, they’re all amazing and wonderful things. but when you lose that view of life, that point of view that comes when one is driven to their knees in need, when you lose that point of view, the value of all those wonderful things fades. we lose what they are truly worth when we lose where we came from.
ive been wrong. i lost that point of view. and somewhere along the lines, i traded trust, for a sense of self capability. ive done my best to convince myself that im ok. that i can handle it. and that im ok doing this alone.
Father, i need to trust you. i know i do. i want my heartbeat to echo yours. i want to be driven to my knees again. i want my heart to break when yours does. i need rescue.
read this.
the value of who we are as a people, as a nation, lies not in our foreign policy, not in our wars, or refusal to enter them, not in the strength or weakness of our dollar. the value of this country does not lie in our tax code, caucuses, or stances on immigration.
the value of who we are as a people, as a country lie in ourselves. in each of us. if we chose to be a people of honor, then our country will be a country of honor. if we chose to be a people of strength, then we will be a strong country. if we chose to be unbending in defense of those less fortunate, then our country will respond to crises – both internally and externally – and defend what is right.
the future of this country does not lie with politicians, or with who the republican nomination goes to. the future of this country will never be decided by those profiled on the 11pm news.
the future of this country is you and i. if we are people of honor, if we stand unwaveringly for what is right, if we defend the defenseless and believe in things like faith, hope and love… then this country will be great… because its people will be great.
the call to greatness lies inside of each of us. its not something we chose to have. its not something that we can simply turn off. it is there. placed in us.
it is our response to that call. to that yearning desire inside our hearts that determine our destiny. it is our response to that call that makes us who we are.
.-.-.-.-.
i honestly didnt plan to write any of the above. it just kind of came out. but it came from my heart.
i know im not great. im no where near great. but i want to be. i hear the calling. the promise of rain heard in the rumble of far off thunder.
david heard the same call. his years spent tending sheep were not punishment. they were not banishment for something he had done. he had not been forgotten. no… this was something more. this was something more because david was called.
the time spent as a shepherd was davids training ground. this was his time to find out what he was made of, to be refined, and to realize the call on his life for greatness.
david listened to the call, embraced the wilderness and the lessons it taught, and in doing so…. changed history. he was what some call one of the greatest kings ever to walk this earth. just, a defender of the weak, righteous… and a friend of God.
i dont know where you find yourself today… but if anything i just wrote echoed inside of your heart, its because you’ve been hearing the call also. i implore you, as i do myself… to heed the call. embrace the wilderness, learn the lessons… change your world.
and find yourself a friend of God.
now playing: firelight – the healing of harms
i wrote the following just a few weeks after my Grandfathers death, and just days before Christmas.
………………………………….
now playing: the best of passion: so far
i watched matrix: revolutions this evening. the first time since i saw it in theaters 4 years ago. and towards the end of the movie… my mind wandered. and i was back in that theater, 4 years ago. with friends. people i love. living life.
and thats what made me realize… how much has changed. how far i am now, from who i was then. and, in some aspects, that nothing has changed at all.and i realized that i run.
i run because im afraid. afraid of not being good enough. i run because somewhere along the way i bought into the lie that if i just worked hard enough, if i just gave enough, if i just never let my guard down… if i was good enough, life would work out.
i still believe that. i know its not true. but its easy.
its far to often that i hide myself away from the quieter moments of life. that i move on to the next thing that just ‘has’ to be done… instead of attending to that voice. that voice that calls me to stop. slow down and listen.
i dont wait any longer. i dont stop. and simply listen. i run. in my own way. i run.
my father, asked me for money. so he could get home for his own fathers funeral.
how do you handle that? how do you handle talking to your father when he asks for that? what are you supposed to do?
ive never felt so incredibly small and alone in my entire life.
you can say what you will about who God is. about His character, and His love and His amazing plans for my life… those 2 minutes on the phone with my father solidified in my mind how incredibly screwed up my future could be.
i want a father. a real father.
someone who would be there when i blow out a tire and nearly get into a car accident. there for questions. there to help with the oil change. just freakin there.
a father is supposed to be the one you call when you need to be bailed out. when you need cash. when you need help or someone to get the mail while your out of state.
im afraid of authority. i am.
im afraid of those in authority. of father-figures. im afraid of God. not in that holy fear that we’re all supposed to have… but im honestly afraid of Him. im afraid of being rejected. so i do the rejecting. im afraid of not being good enough, so i dont slow down long enough to hear anything different.
maybe that sounds stupid to you. but its something i realized a few weeks ago. i have a massive misconception of authority. i dont trust. especially other men. i just dont.
and that spills over into my relationship with my Creator. it does. and it hurts.
i find it much easier to believe the lies i tell myself when i dont slow down. these whitewashed walls look so much nicer when their simply a blur as i pass by them. i dont notice the cracks. i dont notice the paint peeling. and most importantly, i dont allow myself to notice that im the one who painted them so haphazardly.
i know id be further along… more the man i want to be than i am today; if i simply allowed myself to slow down. if i didnt attack my work like it was something to be conquered. if i learned that there is life in the quiet. that there is hope, and rest, and a future to be found.
that there is still a plan for this existence.
………………………………….
honesty always comes with a price. it really doesn’t matter if your simply being honest with yourself, or confessing a wrong to someone you’ve hurt. there is always a price for honesty. sometimes that cost is simply knowing you’ve got to face something ugly.
and whether we realize it or not, those decisions are based on the value of what it costs to be honest. sometimes, we simply conclude its easier to believe a lie or not deal with that issue, and simply hope things go away. it doesnt go away. ever. it simply gets covered over by life.
reading my own words above i know that not everything was ‘correct’. but i couldnt change it. because like it or not, its a part of me. im human, and i wanted to be honest. i cannot promise that everything i write will be right. because it wont. i cannot even promise that i’ll always be honest, because i wont. but i will try.
2008 is here. like it or not, im now 28:-) (yay me!). and there is hope. there will be moments of having to face the ugliness of honesty. but im learning that its in those moments that we find hope. that we find true life, friendship, and reasons for living.
….you will be secure, because there is hope.
–job 11:8
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