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i know i promised more from my weekend. and i guess this is going to be my attempt at doing just that.
there were so many things i could mention. so many instances of His hand moving, moments where clarity was obvious, where kairos was an understatement. moments where His love was evident and His truth was made clear…
moments i laughed, moments i felt joy, moments i felt pain the sadness of loss. moments of making new memories, and moments of -for the first time- allowing myself to feel the pain of remembering.
moments of fellowship, of grace, and of seeing my friends in a whole new light. moments of true life were scattered throughout the weekend.
but there is one specific moment i want to focus on. and for most of you, it may not matter, but it does for me.
as my head hit the pillow saturday night, happily crashing in the spare bedroom of a friends parents house, a prayer escaped my lips.
“lord, my mom deserves a house like this. a house to call a home. a house she can decorate, put up knick-knacks and have an office. a house she can paint, and renovate, and decorate and make her own. a house she deserves. lord, please help us find the place you want us to call home….”
and something hit me. thats what He wants for us. thats His desire for the hearts of His children.
that we’d allow Him to come in, decorate, renovate and put up knick knacks. that we’d allow Him to make our hearts, His home. and thats what i want. so badly.
i sit here with tears in my eyes. knowing full well that 6 months ago i would have never admitted some of this. but it is what i want.
i want to hear His voice clearly. i want to see His thumbprint in the areas of my heart where i know none exists. i want to be the type of person who can offer his heart to this One who promises to make it only better.
and i want to be able to provide a house for my mom. a house to put up decorations, pictures and knick-knacks. a house my mom can call home.
and i want to have a heart, and a home, that one day maybe someone else will share. with me. for the rest of our lives.
when battle lines become unclear
and the waging war is all i hear
Lord sustain me with Your voice
and the choice to walk in truth
to see the Lord, the promised land
where in those sins pearly gates look bland
and what was once a pearl now sand
that blows away, in light of Him
that i might see this day
this waging war
might go away and be no more
that i might see His face
and hear Him say
Son, welcome home
the war is over
thank you all, for an amazing weekend. 🙂 i will post more later. but for now, thank you.
im in london!
ontario, not england:) however, this does me im within driving distance of home. so NY may see me this weekend. interested in gettin together? myspace/cell it!
‘Be quiet. Put your hand on your chest. Feel your beating heart. You are alive. ……….live.’ – David Crowder
i came back from florida (AWESOME time) less than a week ago. and i will be travelling internationally for work on tuesday. i’ll be in london ontario for anywhere from 2-6 weeks:)
yeah. im exhausted. and scared.
i want so much for the changes that began in me to continue. to grow. to come to the place of completion in every area of my life. i want a new heart. i want a soft heart. i want a heart that cries when He cries, sees what He sees and loves the way He loves.
ill admit it, i have no clue how to be the man i’ve been called to be. there is no handbook for a 20something male without a father. there isnt. it doesnt exist. and for so long i used that as an excuse. something to hide behind instead of something to overcome. well, this is me. i do not know what the next step is. and i have absolutely no idea what the final product is going to look like. and honestly, i am not even sure of the ultimate goal.
but i am going to fight with all i am to find out.
Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.”
-mary anne radmacher
“ones worst enemy is someone who has nothing to lose”
i used to think that this statement was one created to bring dread. meant to almost warn us about meeting someone with nothing to lose. as if they’d become our worst enemy. now im realizing something different.
im realizing that Christ fought for us. He lost everything. and He had to, to be able to fight and walk out the victor. He laid down everything, knowing full well that there was no guarentee of victory in every situation. knowing that not all those He went to battle for, would return His love. and yet He went anyway.
im realizing that one of the highest possible callings on a mans life, is to be called to love a woman. and im realizing that part of this calling, will be the need to fight. to fight for her. to protect her. in every way.
maybe im being premature in even mentioning that this has been stirring in my heart. but i know, that in so many ways, change has begun. and whatever happens, i do not want to stop changing. and should the call come, i want to be ready. ready to fight.
my prayer, should the call ever come, would be that i am found worthy. and until that time, that my heart would not get in the way of laying down at the foot of the Cross, whomever this person is.
someone once said that it was worth it, to know our Maker. and if it takes losing all i am and all i could ever be, to get to the point i need to be; to be capable of being called, then so be it.
i dont want to live in fear anymore.
not if it means i cannot love, and be loved in return.
and if that means feeling the hurts ive refused to feel, and walking the roads ive not wanted to walk… if that means that i need to confront the chasms in my own heart/soul, then so be it.
i need love. and i need to love.
there are times in our lives when we must face inner demons. when we must look the pain we hide, underneath the well placed veneers of self assurance and happieness, directly in its face. its during those times when our facades are ripped away and who we really are, the unlovely, ugly us is laid bare. we wake up one morning to realizie the depth of what we’re dealing with, and the blackness we see inside us, shocks us.
its at those times when all pretense of what life is supposed to be is left behind. and we learn that we either fight or fail. its all or nothing. not to be cliche-ish, but its do or die time. literally. we either face the blackness inside, or we slowly die freefalling into it.
sometimes this dealing means airing our dirty laundry, and letting others see that life in our little world is nowhere near perfect. that no, life isnt great and you’re scarred, and scared. and all you want to know is that it really is, one day, going to be ok.
and other times, this dealing will find you alone. encircled by the wonder of creation. the warmth of the ocean breeze, the cool of the sand and the crashing waves. and we slowly realize that this creation we so often overlook is the very message by which this One is telling us things are going to be ok. the sand, the surf, the breeze. they are constant. they are change.
their very consistency is based on the fact that they cannot stop changing. they exist in a state of constant change, of constant flux. they will never rest, they will never be still, they exist because and by the very forces that command them to change.
and in the midst of this change, we realize that the lives of the followers of the One will almost always reflect this constant. change. we will never be exactly who we are destined to be. all our hopes, fears and dreams; if from the One we follow, will always be bigger than us. and if we step up and follow the call, we will forever live our lives in this constant. change.
and if thats the case, then so be it.
for the surf, the sand, the breeze may constantly be changing, but remove just one of the three – and the ability of constant change – stops. the breeze creates the surf which in turn changes the sand. the sand gives the surf its voice, without the sand, there would be no noticable waves, and the sounds inside the ocean would be silenced.
im waxing poetic, but you get the idea.
they must coexist in constant change.
the past few days have been rough for me. and to those in my life whom that may have impacted, i do apologize. contstant change is not an easy place to be. but most importantly, i need to thank you.
thank you for being my surf, my sand and my breeze.
its funny, how the cages that, in the past, were the confines our enemies trapped us in, become the sanctuary we run to during the hard times. as if somehow, we buy in to what our enemies said about us. we identified with it. it became a part of who we were and, for protection, we adopted it as a safe haven.
we trade the worth we see in ourselves for the rags that others see. we trade experiencing His amazing presence for standing on the sidelines. we exchange real life, for a masquerade. and when someone steps up, brings a light, sees the beauty that hides beneath our rags, and tries to help us see it too… the light brings pain.
pain of lost memories, of dreams we’ve long since given up on. pain of past hopes and, and expectations. we realize how much we traded, and lost, when we took up these rags. we realize how long we ‘d gone since we had truly experienced life. and that realization hurts. and for some of us, instead of biting the bullet and allowing these filthy rags to fall away, we hide. we run back to our cages and we hide in fear. fear of being exposed, of allowing other to see the beauty within because we dont truly know if it is really beautiful.
some of us have forgotten what true beauty looks like. we’ve lost that feeling of running up into the Fathers arms and simply feeling safe.
……
ive realized something over the past few days. i know, the fact that we humans are creatures of habit should not surprise me. it shouldnt come as a shock that we have a need to be able to rely on something. that for a lot of us, we need something we can count on, something that we know wont change, something… a foundation of sorts, to build our lives upon. our very existence is often founded on these things.
i realized a few days ago that i rely on being unhappy. not that happiness is everything in life. but the realization came as a shock to me. im afraid of being happy. i really am. im afraid of pushing towards, pursuing all that God has for me because i dont want to finally get where i want to be, where im happy, only to have the carpet pulled from beneath my feet. only to feel the paralyzing fear of freefalling. to know intimately, the pain of losing everything you care about, all over again. id rather “not care” if it meant “not losing” what i care(d) for.
its why im single. its why im not even PURSUING a relationship of any consequence. somewhere along the lines ive come to the conclusion that its better to live in a dull ache that to; maybe, possibly experience true joy and happiness, only to lose it all and feel the heartbreak of losing everything you care about all over again.
id rather live lonely, than hurt that much again.
its an honest fact. its not “right”. i know that. its not proper or correct or good for me or even what God wants for me. im not saying any of those things. i know its not a good thing. i do. but for me, for right now, its where i am at.
and that scares me. because, for most of the time, im totally ok with it. i am. and i know that feeling this way isnt healthy.
the thing is, i can back it up. i can logically and calmly list my reasons on why living this way is better. i can tell you that its safer to protect what you have than to risk it on the “chance” of something better. that its better to live with the numbing effects of loneliness than it is to put yourself out there, and hope in something that you cant control. that being, the love of another.
i could list a thousand reasons why living as i am is the best possible way to live. and you wouldnt be able to prove me wrong.
……
for some of us (we’ll call this category A) who have looked fear in the face and walked away the victor; our hopes, dreams, existence, our very lives rely and are built upon the foundations of our faith. for others (category B), who may still be fighting the battle within, who may still be staving off fear and putting up a brave front, we’ve struggle daily to base our lives on the never changing attributes of the God we worship.
i’ve said it before and ill say it again. change is first seen in the small things. i may not be in category A yet. i may not define myself by how my Saviour sees me. i may not be the me i want to be, yet.
but im trying.
it was time for a change. so here i am. new site. new(ish) blog.
im a firm believer that change begins, in a lot of ways, in the small things. some of mankinds greatest disasters could have been stopped had someone simply stopped and realized something small, was going wrong.
and mankinds greatest achievements, all had their starting point in the mind of a dreamer.
now, i know this isnt exactly walking on the moon. or winning gold at the olympics. but in some small way, this is my first step.
change is
here.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 