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so im sitting here to post… not because ive anything pressing on my mind or heart, but simply because im beginning to think that my blog – and the world of faithful readers out there – were feeling akin to the ignored friend. well, please… know you’re not.
dawn, im sorry ive not been online and able to talk more. i miss ya:-)
courtney, thank you so much for my Christmas card. it made my holiday lots brighter!
skip, thank you for your support, friendship, and the dvds. you’re yovey!
so the holidays are over. is it wrong of me to say im actually thankful? im not sure.
Christmas was ok, spent the morning of on the phone with my family while they opened gifts. then it was off to my moms side for a late afternoon thing. spent that evening with skip. all in all a good day.
spent the 26th at my dads side for a few hours. ended up losing it and just balling in the parking lot of Sams club later that day.
you see, my dog angel… who is now… wow, 11 years old… resides at my grandparents farm now (dads side). she (angel) is the only immediate family i have within a 1000 miles. and it had been months since id been out there to visit. of course she still knows me… happily said hi. she loves it there. its like a 500 acre retirement home for dogs.
seeing angel…. all the memories… wow.
after my dads side, and hangin with the dog… i ended up in the parking lot of sams club. balling my eyes out on skips shoulder. i miss my family. i miss my dog.
my sister said that this Christmas was the first time in 2 years that mom actually had a smile on her face when she woke up that morning.
they actually had a christmas dinner. no dennys this year.
and honestly, those two things right there… are simply put… the best two gifts i received this year.
they say you can see God in the little things in life. they say He works in mysterious ways sometimes. i think, that for this anyway… they are right.
today is january 3, 2004. the first full day of me being 24. happy birthday to me:-)
i dont have any christmas spirit.
im not announcing this in some form of rebellion or raging against the commercialism of christmas. its a simple factual statement… almost said with resignation. i simply dont.
ive tried. ive fought… i just dont have any.
i also realized that ive spent the majority of the past month running from all things that cause pain. ive shyed away from situations, people, places… all of which cause me some level of discomfort.
this whole thing is beginning to bother me. for nearly a year, my focus has been on learning to trust again. on pushing through the scars and reaching out. on being vulnerable… and on learning to love again. and to be loved in return.
but somewhere along the past 4-6 weeks, i stopped. i dont know if it was something i did intentionally… or if it was more of the simple progresison of things.
i feel old. thats the only way i can describe how ive felt the past few days…. past week maybe. simply, old. like my insides suffer the weight of more than a simple 23 years on this earth. i spent friday using every ounce of strength to simply hold my emotions in check. by the end of the work day, i was exhausted. spent. emotionally had nothing left. and i feel like ive only hardly recovered.
ill be honest. im not looking forward to Christmas this year.
my coworker… the 40something woman who was nice enough to ask some pointed questions left me a voicemail that, if i could save forver, i would. she simply said that i deserved to have a wonderful holiday this year.
now, im not trying to push myself… or say “look at me”… i am saying… that id like that. id truly enjoy a nice holiday this year.
there is something to this holiday right? there is some current that, although hidden by the waves crashing on the shore, it moves unseen, powerfully below the waves… changing the face of the oceans themselves… there is something real underneath all this wrapping paper and tinsel isnt there? God help me not to lose sight of this.
i dont know what to do next. ive honestly thought about setting up some time to talk with my therapist again. its been more than a year. all i know is that it feels like im falling backward. im waking up feeling the stress on every ounce of my back.
im fighting… im fighting myself.
im realizing that somewhere, inside of the me that is now “me”… lives the old me. the me that existed 2 years ago. the me that loved large crowds of people. the me that could enjoy talking with anyone and everyone. the me that loved being around lots of close friends. the me that had lots of close friends… the me, that basically died… when the world caved in.
im realizing that the reason i clung on so hard to skipper during that time was because she was the only person who DIDNT know the past me. i knew, although i didnt understand it at the time, that my life had changed. i had changed. and i wasnt ever going to be the same person. no one else understood that. none of the friends of the old me seemed to be able to accept that. and i needed someone who would accept me as is. skipper was that person.
im realizing now, that that is why i dont spend much time with a number of people. being with them rips apart my emotions… and it tears me up inside. i feel as if im trying to resurect whomever i used to be to them, simply to make them feel comfortable. why? im not sure. maybe its because im afraid they wont like the new me. maybe its because im afraid i dont like the new me.
maybe… just maybe… its because i am actually pushing them away. maybe its because i figure that there going to leave anyway… so why not make it easier on me for once… and be the one doing the leaving, instead of the one left to pick up the pieces.
i hurt. and sometimes its so bad i cant breath. i dont want to celebrate christmas this year. i dont. knowing that i wont be home. knowing that my dad… wont be opening anything.
i just want a break. is that to much to ask?
its amazing isnt it. as i sit here, i am literally staring directly at the keyboard. watching as my fingers put together something that i hope has at least one thread of cohesive thought.
26 simple letters.
its all were ever given in this life.
our greatest accomplishments… our worst failures…
all will be conveyed, shared, remembered, and forgotten using naught but these 26 simple letters.
so maybe as i sit here and watch my fingers… maybe im allowing myself to learn something.
maybe this season isnt so much about each individual aspect. maybe its not specifically the Christmas cookies, or caroling, or eggnog or presents under a sparkling, colorful tree… its not giving, receiving or any of the other things we do that make this season so special…
its not one specific thing. the spirit of Christmas doesnt reside in cookies, or presents or eggnog… the spirit of Christmas is in each of us. and to the extent we allow ourselves to love, and be loved… is the extent at which we see the spirit of Christmas.
as of right now, 9 days, 55 minutes is all we have till Christmas.
and all we have to communicate our love to those lucky enough to receive it, is 26 simple letters.
my prayer for tonite?
simply this.
that i make the most of both
things change. really really quickly.
and suddenly, our best laid plans must be re-though… re-laid…
recreated.
and just as suddenly, our efforts can either be proved fruitless or successful.
either way… im hoping – we learn something.
if nothing more, something about ourselves.
ill post more later
even though i didnt do the research, i have a feeling i had a post from last year with a title very close to that. hmm, ill have to do some digging.
anyway…. it is official by the way. i wont be heading down to texas for Christmas this year. the money for the plane ticket is readily available. the time off was all lined up… but when your mom and sis work in retail… guess what bucko, there is no way they’re getting the week after Christmas off…. so ill be headin down in mid-late jan.
i was all set and ready to launch into how crappy that was gonna be… not having seen my mom for more than a year. and how much it sucks to have spent yesterday and today cooped up indoors with a massive chest cold. or to be what was probably one of the few caring voices… and probably the only voice from immediate family, that my dad heard today….
i was going to launch into how i havent really allowed myself to enter into the whole “holiday/christmas/thanksgiving” spirit. maybe its because ive not yet allowed myself to digest the fact that i wont be home for christmas this year. maybe its because my mom seems to be takin it just a little harder that i had hoped. maybe its just cuz life can sometimes suck.
i wanted to… i wanted to go ballistic and wear my heart on my sleeve and maybe even cry while i pounded out the pages of my heart onto the web for all to see….
i wanted to, but i couldnt…. for you see… once upon a coughing, hacking, stuffy nose, achy, sneeze trip to wegmans on a rainy thanksgiving day in 2003… i saw something that changed my outlook.
i was waiting with the groceries while someone went and got the car… and as with any major supermarket on thanksgiving day, i was doing my best to dodge harried shoppers with long lists, or overladen shopping carts. but something stopped me.
slowly moving through the parking lot with a glaringly few items in the shopping cart… graying hair… almost white… slight in stature… and with eyes that belayed much more sorrow than my eyes have seen… was an elderly woman. her stature, her pacing, every little thing about her screamed that she was spending thanksgiving day alone.
and i realized at that moment something thats been unfolding to me all day. i have a tremendous amout to be thankful for this year.
heidi – simply, you’re my life saver. my bestest friend ever. id be lost, and much sicker, without you. i am thankful… for you.
k8 – in a world of very few noble people – you’re my hero. i am thankful… for you.
val – you’re what i would apsire to become if i was a 20something black woman. i am thankful… for you.
courtney – you’re what pen pals are supposed to be made of, and what women of God should aspire to be like. i am thankful… for you.
and the list goes on. unlike that lady, i have a family. albeit messed up, ive still got em all. ive got an apartment. and clothes on my back. and ive got friends who would give up there entire thanksgiving day to stay with a sick pip.
come to think of it guys… bill gates, and all his billions… has nothing on what ive been given.
so to each of you, wether you read my blog often, or just random acrossed me…
i am thankful for you.
and finally…
i will be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams.
i was driving home the other nite, and a question ive been asking myself lately popped into my head.
ive been asking myself this for what seems like weeks now, but ive only recently been able to verbalize it.
the question?
do forgiveness and reconciliation always walk hand in hand? are the truly inseparable? can you have one without the other? and if so, to what degree can you forgive, and not be reconciled… and vice versa?
i know the “christian” answer is always yes. i know that… you dont need to preach it to me.
at least, reconciliation is a given when speaking of the forgiveness that flows from Christ…
but what about between 2 people?
i guess this question has been on my heart because in all honesty, im dealing with it.
to what degree does forgiveness need reconciliation? is it possible to forgive someone, and yet never truly trust them again?
maybe the question im really asking is,
why hasnt my heart healed yet? why cant i trust that person yet? what is it that causes this reaction in me?
i hate that i feel like i want to run away from you every time i see you. i hate that i feel that i cant trust you. i hate that it still hurts so much when i think of you.
most of all, i hate that my heart has yet to move from this point.
is this my fault? am i somehow sabotaging my chances and opportunities for healing? am i intentionally keeping myself in this spot?
all i have is questions… but only questions find the answers that we seek.
there was a time in a young kings life… well before he was even aware of his destiny to become king, when a wise man, a ‘seer’, told him to wait just a little while longer…
and then this seer, would tell him all that was in his heart.
it seems the more i learn about life, love and relationships, the less i truly know.
heck, i dont even understand the depths of my own heart.
so my prayer for tonite… is that sometime soon… someone wise would show me all that is in my heart.
my cry tonite
be my hiding place…..
When you live by grace with God, its not a matter of making yourself obey His commands to the letter; its simply living with the promise that you cant and its all right.
read the article here.
i dont think tonite will have me pouring my heart out…
tonite, i choose simplicity.
the simplicity of sin.
the simplicity of grace.
and the knowing, that the latter far outweighs the former. now, then, and for always.
thank You, for Grace.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 