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all he wanted to do was go home….
“the practice” isnt normally a show i watch. but i had just come home and taken a shower. i was cold and wanted to disappear into a tv show. so it was either “the practice” or the -over-the-top- pagentry of the closing cermonies of the Olympics. so yeah, “the practice” won hands down… (dont get me wrong, ive loved watching the olympics. skeleton is now by far one of the coolest things ive seen. 80mph, no way to steer… your face 3 inches from a sheet of solid ice:-) fun stuff) anyway..
the practice… the whole reason i started blogging… so here goes
todays episode dealt with a man who was obviously mentally not well. he believed he was superman. and after living in an institution for 5 years, his wife (who was not able to care for him the way he needed) finally felt she had to move on. so she told him she was divorcing him. so… “superman” decides to follow her home by “flying”. so he hops out a 3 story window and kills an account that he lands on. never once, not believing with all he was that he was “superman”.
not to drag out a really twisted courtroom drama or anything… the show ends with him… balling his eyes out. because he is not able to understand why he cant just “go home” with his “lois lane”. his world revolved around the woman who was leaving him and he couldnt understand why.
which brought back a memory of a long time ago. summer of 97 i volunteered as a daycamp counselor @ my churches daycamp. being the leader of a group of 12 year old boys – we – once a week would particpate in a “giving back to the community” endevaour.
one of these trips, all of the oldest kids (mine included) visited a nursing home for a few hours to provide company and encouragement to anyone we could. all in all, a wonderful idea and a really cool trip.
and i would have loved to mingle with the older folks, but i was selected…it seems.. by an older woman who was obviously dealing with some memory loss. she was new to the nursing home. and dealing with ALS i think. she coulndt – for the life of her – figure out why she couldnt go home. thats all she wanted… just to – go home. to her husband and kids. she couldnt remember that her husband had long since passed.
so i spent 2 hours in a nursing home with a very scared and very fragile 80something year old woman clinging to my arm… wanting to know why she couldnt go “home”.
i know. a long and almost pointless blog. i remember walking out of the nursing home feeling very bad for the lady whom i had met. i couldnt relate to the overwhelming desire of not being “home”. of not laying your head down on your own pillow. in the house you grew up in -or in her case – had a family in.
i can now.
ok. changing gears completely.
todays song of the day –
lifehouse – simon
refuse to feel
anything at all
refuse to slip
refuse to fall
can’t be weak
can’t stand still
watch your back
’cause no one will
and another switch
todays phrase of the day (it can be more than one word because i said so. so there:-P) is… (stealing again from vals blog) SFX DRUMROLL SFX
unresolved issues
my wonderful friend, websters, defines “issues” as: a matter that is in dispute between two or more parties: a vital or unsettled matter. or – in a state of controversy : in disagreement.
for a guy who likes to have his bigger ducks – in a row.. going to bed knowing that nothing has been resolved, is a hard thing to do. or maybe.. id just like to be able to fix everything ive messed up.
i guess that that is just as impossible
inadequate as i am. i cant be anything else. not successfully. and the only chance of success i do have – is to be me.
so… until tomorrow morning.
goodnite all
6 hours till church. and yeah, im definetly feeling stripped of everything. hopefully, when i come home tomorrow, ill be a better – and less burdend 22 year old guy.
nothing much for tonite. have a wonderful evening all:-)
and hey.. if you enjoy reading… or just wanna say hi
email me
psweene1@rochester.rr.com
nite
And in other news, the Mall of America in Minnesota has decided to do a “womens only” parking lot. This is the first picture released from Mall authorities of the parking lot.
Click Here.
how men shop compared to how women shop:-)
leave it to a bad influence to awaken me to todays song of the day:
Angel – Sarah McLachlan
so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there’s vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don’t make no difference
escaping one last time
it’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
as i sit and watch the remains of what im sure was a beautiful day outside…
im reminded of the little things. i still have 5 toothbrushes in a toothbrush holder that will never see use by more than just me.
sometimes its the little things that we take for granted… and sometimes, its the big things.
i dont know, todays blog is very much rambling. my heart is lying scattered around the remains of my life and absolutely nothing is making sense anymore.
this weekend begins a big prophetic meeting @ bethel… i want to be there.
im reminded of a saying i used to use… “being run over by Gods mack-truck of love“. thats when He rips you from this existence and allows you – for possibly only a moment – to catch a glimpse of His immesureable glory. and for that moment in time – all else fades away. there are no more worries… no more fears. no more unemployment. for a moment – your free. for those of you who have seen The Fast and the Furious… that would be my quarter mile. and i havent raced… in so long.
racing… requires being 100% real with God. no masks, facades, or ulterior motives… being “run over” can only happen when you come just as you are. and i can truthfully say that i dont know when the last time was i went to church as just “me”. no pretending everything was ok… or even pretending that i was ok. im sick of pretending. i want to walk …. run… into His presence… into His arms just as i am.. be real. and let Him be dad. let Him be who He is supposed to be. all i can be is me. and i hope and pray that i have the strength to simply…. be me
till tomorrow…
current time? 4am…
16 hours from me over reacting to someones attempt at being honest and real.
im not sure exactly what – if anyone – actually ever reads this blog.
but if the person i happen to be refering to does read it….
i hope they know im sorry.
and that they are loved…
to put a cap on the word of the day – i learned something today. i learned that not all inadequacy is bad. ive learned that their are types of inadequacies that are ok. and some of them, make us better people. better at loving. better friends….
its the type of inadequacy that knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that – I – have no ability whatsoever to be the type of friend.. that certain people deserve. and if i do rely on myself, i fail miserably. its the type of inadequacy that forces me to continue to fail – or to rely on a power Higher and Greater than i.
there are some things i will learn once, and never forget… and then there are things i will learn over and over… and never quite understand fully
2+2 = 4?
ill never forget…
how precious my friends are?
i will never fully grasp.
if yesterdays word.. or two days ago… oh goodness, whatever. if my last word of the day was “change”. Today’s word of the day is inadequacy . Websters defines inadequate as: not adequate, insufficent, not capable.
in this wonderful world we call ‘job hunting’ – ive done more battles in my mind over my own feelings of inadeqacy than basically anything else. nothing like your entire world falling apart and your family going through hell to make you feel ready to take on the challenges that life brings right? wrong. when you go to bed every freakin night knowing that there is absolutely NOTHING you can do in and of yourself to change one iota of what really matters – all feelings of adequacy quickly fly out the window. it seems like when my feelings took flight – there were some duck hunters outside who decided that my feelings would make some great dinners… because i sure havent seen them since.
recurring themes – i dont know if the average readers of my blog can tell – but i have a few. one of them being that, quite simply – God is all i have left. there isnt anything else i can do.
ok. enough of the crap of my life.
spent a wonderful evening with a very special friend last nite. very relaxing. if the tv wasnt on, im positive i would have drifted off to sleep. and in other news, ive got an interview today @ 4pm – so if you would think of it (stealing something from vals blog) – keep me saran wrapped in prayer?
who knows, maybe this whole adequacy thing is actually me learning something. we all have needs. and it seems that the only ones who are willing to either ask for help – or accept it – are those who have had everything else shredded.
but hey… who am i?
Don’t we all love losing a half hours worth of blogging when the website automatically logs you out. So when you hit the “post” button. You’re screwed! Ah well. I guess that’s life.
I seem to be developing a serious case of “tripping on creed”. If you haven’t checked out their new video for “bullets”. Do so @ creed.com. its very.. cool… interesting… progressive and very CG. Think “final fantasy” (the movie) only… music video. Just watch it.
Also, in todays news – my car now accelerates and brakes much smoother. Of course, having your tranny looked @ and your brakes worked on will do that. And for $150 – it had better. I enjoyed dinner @ my aunts house. Nothing like ravioli. And I’m even developing a taste for broccoli! I must be maturing. Hehehe. Finished the nite off with a fun trip to wegmans. It seems to be THE spot for single 22 year old guys to hang out. Milk, cookies.. and 4 two-liter bottles of mt. Dew. On sale for only $5. I needed no more proof to know God loves me.
if “commitment” was the word of the day yesterday or was it Sunday. Whatever. Either way – todays word is “change”. Its one of the 2 constant aspects of this thing we call life. The other being – that it continues. Life continues. It goes on. Even when all we know and stand upon has been so altered and impacted, we feel it should come to a earth shattering halt, it doesn’t. Life doesn’t come with a pause button.
I’m learning that victory, the Finnish line – so to speak, isn’t necessarily obtained by those with the best training. Or the top of the line equipment. or even the ones who run the fastest. Victory comes to those who are simply humble enough to roll with the punches. it comes to those who know they don’t control the cards life hands them… they are just willing to put one foot in front of the other. They may not even be given a chance to see the cards before a punch is thrown… they’re just committed… (yesterdays word) to do their best. Their not going to stop walking.
A wise man once said – if all you ever see is the road, the trip will never be worth it. To be truthful, all I’ve been able to see lately is the next few inches of gravel on this road. I’d love a glimpse into the finished product… or even a roadmap. Who knows, maybe I was so enthralled by some stupid meaningless roadside attraction that I missed the guy who was handing out the maps. I’m so desperate – that I’d – (a male, mind you) would GLADLY ask for directions at the very next gas station or rest stop. There just hasn’t been any places where I can stop and relax.
delirious put it best in two songs
Blindfold
Take this blindfold off of me
I’m walking but I cannot see
Mysteries fly at my feet
The answers come with no relief
Broken shoes won’t get you far
Climb on my back I’ll carry you afar
Words just feel anatheistized
But hope is found within the lies
And I keep walking down that road
And I keep running down that road
Take this blindfold off of me
I’m crawling, grabbing, breathing for the way I can see
Hold me, take me, run with me, I know you’ll ignite
A battered flame that once was bright
And I keep walking down that road
And I keep running down that road
Glory, glory
Glory, in the highest
and a snippet from
Kiss Your Feet
Take this life, take it all
I’m breathing the dirt, but I have clean hands
So I’ll run with my boots on.
..For I was born to kiss Your feet
so where does this leave us tonight – @t the end of another day – with tomorrow fast approaching? I’m not 100% sure. But I’m learning that I don’t need to be. ill never have all the answers – so I should probably stop trying too. Only He does. And right now – and maybe from now on – that’s all I’ve got left.
I’ve committed to staying in Rochester. Its now His job to come through. My job, is to be the best me I can. And to simply.. keep walking. So tomorrow.. that’s what I’m going to do.
Until the next installment from the life I’m living.
Have a blessed nite
as i crash tonite
i leave you with creed
nite
Hello my friend we meet again
It’s been a while where should
we begin feels like forever
Within my heart are memories
Of perfect love that you gave to me
I remember
When you are with me
I’m free. I’m careless I believe
Above all the others we’ll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
My sacrifice
We’ve seen our share of ups and downs
Oh how quickly life can turn around in
an instant
It feels so good to reunite
Within yourself and within your mind
Let’s find peace there
When you are with me
I’m free I’m careless�I believe
Above all the others we�ll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
My sacrifice
I just want to say hello again
copied over from Relevant Magazine
The Best Olympic Moment
Last Tuesday evening U.S. freestyle skiing finals contestant Evan Dybvig took a nasty spill coming off his second jump. He skidded around, sliding over moguls, grimacing madly and eventually toppled over clutching his right knee. He got up, his mouth wide with pain, and proceeded to ski down the rest of the run. He collapsed at the finish, visibly shaken, audibly moaning and pale as a Utah snowfall. He suffered major ligament and cartilage damage that he�ll need surgery to repair.
Later, an NBC reporter found him sitting peacefully on the sidelines with his massacred knee wrapped. She asked if he was disappointed with the fall and injury. Not really, Dybvig said. �I wasn�t planning using it much after this anyway. It�s time to retire.� Turns out he�s got a wife and 5-month-old son. So Evan said on national TV, �I�m just going to enjoy the rest of the competition and then go home and focus on my family.�
At the U.S. Olympic trials in 1994, Nancy Kerrigan got clubbed and we all remember her wincing at the camera and crying, �Why me? Why meeeeee?� The Canadians got screwed in the finals of the pairs figure skating, and we keep seeing Jamie Sale weeping. Skate Canada is protesting. People are decrying all of figure skating. But not Evan Dybvig. His Olympic dream was shattered along with his knee, but he�s okay. He knows what really matters to him.
There�s a lot of spectacle in the Olympics. Metaphoric opening ceremonies, dramatically-intoned vignettes, and continuous replays of heartache and broken kneecaps and corrupt judges. You get failure and redemption. Scandal and celebration. And you get guys like Dybvig. He crashed, but then he went on with life. He focused on the important things.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 
