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why is it that i feel that if im not worrying about something, if there isnt some burden im carrying, then im missing something?  that im not doing enough?

what is it about worry that makes me fear not worrying?  its as if i feel that if im not doing it all, being it all, trying with all, then i’m somehow incomplete.

why have i bought into the belief that im not supposed to be happy?  that real, true joy isnt obtainable?  that i dont believe this peace that passes all understanding is actually something i should have access to?  that i’m somehow less worthy of that gift?

to be honest, i just contradicted myself.  a gift, in its truest form, is never deserved.  dictionary.com says something bestowed or acquired without any particular effort by the recipient or without its being earned.

nannyk8 has been talking a lot about the fear of the other shoe.  and i think i find myself in the same situation.  fear of the other shoe dropping.  and somehow i convinced myself that if i only did enough, i could keep the fraying shoestring from breaking.

i think life is more about facing those fraying shoe strings, and in some cases even cutting them, than it is about frantically trying to keep those shoes from falling.

because if we’re honest with ourselves, we realize we cannot hope that the shoe wont drop.  not in this world.  chances are that it will, or if it doesnt, another one will take its place.

thats not fatalism, thats simple honesty.  we live in a world where it’s impossible to avoid pain.  even when we want to.

i’m beginning to actually get the fact that trust is of no value when there is nothing risked.  im finally beginning to understand that in trusting the one i call my saviour, i must learn to stop worrying.  i must learn to actually trust Him.

someone once said we’ll only ever grow as far, and go as far in life as we allow ourselves to learn.  as much as that is factual, im beginning to believe we’ll only grow as far and go as far in life as we’re willing to trust Him.

it isnt trust unless something is risked.  it isnt perfect peace unless you trust Him.  it isnt living unless you know this perfect peace.

those are truths i know in my head.  i can recite, and in some situations, i stand on those promises.  but there are still times when i find myself picking up a burden too large for my shoulders.  and even though i see Him standing there, offering to take my burden… i still pretend like i’ve got it.  like i’m in control and that somehow carrying this weight that i wasnt destined to lift, is normal.

i convince myself that i know better than He does.  and it’s all because i fear trusting Him.  i fear letting go.

it isnt life, unless you trust Him with it.

He doenst promise that the shoe wont drop, but He promises to be there, even if it does.  He promises to never leave.  and He promises to guide us through the fire if indeed, that shoe drops.

David Crowder Band – Can I Lie Here

i’ve read the story of david more often than any i’ve read about any other character in the bible.  there is something about his life, about the way he lived, the pain and trials he endured, that i hold close to my heart.

there is something about his failures and victories that i see in myself.  there is something in the cry of that heart of his that echoes in the depths of my own.  there is something beautiful inside those stories, stories of temptation, heartache, betrayal, struggle, triumph, and defeat that ring with the sound of grace.

there is something alive inside of those stories.  of the boy who would be king.  stories that reflect our own lives.  stories that prove that life is more than we currently see.  stories that show that herding sheep on the side of a mountain for weeks and months at a time, isn’t menial.  stories that prove that even our worst days have purpose.   that what we’re going through right now is preparing us for what the Author has for us next.

woven inside the stories of davids life is purpose, passion, destiny.  we see that now because we see the end from the beginning.  we see that because we see the end result.  we dont hear the heartache of  the lost dreams.  we dont see the tears that fell or hear the songs that were uttered out of a broken heart.  we dont see the boy/king who’s only friends were the stars, sheep and smooth pebbles.

we dont hear the heartache, but it was there.

we see a boy/king who grew up knowing he was destined for something great.  who grew up the smallest, and least important.  we see a boy/king who was relegated to the lowliest of positions.  who had his dreams brought from the recesses of his heart to the cusp of reality, and then snatched away again.

we see a young man who in a matter of months went from the lowest of jobs, to serving the king and back again.  what we dont know, what we dont see; is what went on in his heart during that time.

we all want to see our dreams come true, we all have hopes and passions we hold close to ourselves.  things we care for so deeply that we fear to whisper them, as if letting them be heard will somehow cheapen the value we kn0w they have.  we all have dreams that we hold so tightly, that even our closest friends may not know about them.

we dont know much about what david went through during those dark days.  but we do know, it wasnt his end.  it wasnt the final pages, of the final chapter of his story.  it may have felt like it, but it wasnt.  there was a purpose for what he was going through.  there was a softening of his heart that needed to happen.  there were things inside ofdavid that only come to the surface when the heat was unbearably hot.

im learning that its in the times when dreams almost come true, that we find out what we’re really made of.  its in the times when those dreams were so close we almost allowed ourselves the courage it would take to hope, that the real us begins to come out..  its in those times when our dreams, once so hidden and mysterious, are brought to the very cusp of reality and then shattered, that we learn what makes us tick.  that we learn what really drives us.

that we learn what is in our hearts.  and we learn, that it truly is something beautiful.

Needtobreathe – Something Beautiful

hey now, this is my desire
consume me like a fire
coz i just want
something beautiful to touch me
i know i am in reach
coz i am down on my knees
waiting for
something beautiful

lyrics from Delirious’s song White Ribbon Day.  and yet for some reason, so much more to me.

why is it that i lose sight of that?  why is it that in the busy have-to’s, the crazy requirements at work, the stress of a never ending day and all the other things we just need to get done, i lose sight of that simple truth.  of that simple foundation piece.

why is it that im so quick to judge that driver in traffic and so quick to forget that i am in as much need of grace as He is?  why do i try so hard to be the ‘leader’ and forget so quickly that the One who is leading me, lead by serving?

this One i follow, the Prince of Peace, the author of my story, He came 2000 years ago and promised a peace not as the world knows it but a peace that passes all understanding.  why is it so easy to step out from under that and worry about our  futures?  or our (my) jobs?  why do we chose to ignore the promises He gave us to provide for us always and instead fret what tomorrow may bring?

if He is who He says He is, then He knows tomorrow already.  and if He is who He says He is, then He knows what’s best for you, not only today and tomorrow, but for every tomorrow you will face.

if you’re honest with yourself tonight, if i’m honest tonight, there would be stories we could tell… stories where we know He came through for us.  moments in time that you can point to without question and share about how you shouldnt have lived through that.  or about how i shouldnt be alive today.

the point is, you have a story.  He’s come through for you in the past.  and He will again.  He promised.

so we stand, saved by His blood.  and we trust in the One who is writing our stories.