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i was going to write about romance, about what my heart yearns for. about finding that one special girl who’s hand will fit perfectly in mine. that girl who will completely rock my world, cause me to question everything, and holds the dreams of my future in her eyes.
but ive been derailed.
i was going to write about being 28, and single. about not knowing if i would ever find her. about questioning if ‘waiting’ was worth it.
but i was reminded of the bigger picture. and that there is a wonderous cross… blood stained, splintered, blessed because of Who gave their life on it. and that He gave His life because He loved me.
i’m reminded that i needed it, and that i need it. every day, every moment. that without this wonderous cross, i am nothing. and it’s because of His sacrifice, that i am able to offer love to someone else. it’s his love in my heart, that allows me to love beyond myself. that beckons me to seek out those who hurt, and offer hope.
and that quitely whispers ‘…there is more…’
i dont have the answers, and my heart still yearns to love that…. one. but i know the One who’s wings hold up the sky. and until i find her, i will do all i can to be the man i am supposed to be. to keep the Cross at the center of my life. to love with all i am, and to follow Him. wherever He leads.
Showbread – The Beginning (hover over for a pop-up player)
lyrics
I used to dream that I could fly,
just above the whispered clouds, beneath the somber sky.
I had a dream I was alive,
I dreamt that love would never die. (goodbye)
Dreams were cheap and hope was easy…(so light),
the forgeries of life deceiving…(so bright),
and as I glided to the ground…(so long),
calcified, the concrete weighed me down… (cruel world).
Your wings are holding up the sky,
dear God, I had a dream that I could fly.
Alkaline the burning frost, has blistered deep beneath my bones,
And winter spat its hatred, cold and coiled, black and deep,
as it called me ever further, where evil burns and never sleeps.
I once had prayers that found no words, fragile things I’ve never spoken,
through my lips passed eulogies for all the oaths that I have broken.
And still the ghost of hope was haunting, through the dark to save the living,
and still beneath it all I dreamed that God could be forgiving.
Your wings are holding up the sky,
dear God, I had a dream that I could fly.
When I survey the wondrous cross On which the Prince of glory died, My richest gain I count but loss, And pour contempt on all my pride.
I am the worst of all things here,
my crooked, black, and lying heart still spits its bitter fear.
And each and every sparrow,
You see them flutter to the ground before they die,
So please God don’t forget me.
See from His head, His hands, His feet, Sorrow and love flow mingled down! Did e’er such love and sorrow meet, Or thorns compose so rich a crown?
To Christ, who won for sinners grace By bitter grief and anguish sore, Be praise from all the ransomed race Forever and forevermore!
someday. hopefully… someday soon.
part of me wants to run and hide and not say whats on my heart…. but my heart wont let me. and for tonight, i think i’ll let my heart win.
im realizing that so much this thing called love is far removed from romantic dinners, evenings at the movies, or coffee and conversation…. and so much closer to a broken, imperfect, blemished, failure of a human…. asking for someone to love him or her.
i’m not trying to be down on myself here… but if i’m honest, thats what i am. and actually, thats what you are. broken. pieces of our experiences woven together, held in place… by grace.
–
what do i want out of a relationship? do i want kids? what kind of house? do i want off white or pure white napkins at the reception? none of it matters…
my memories wont be filled with the bouquet she threw, or the china we picked out. my memories will be filled with her scent and the way the morning sun makes her hair sparkle.
my memories will have nothing to do with the minivan, or the house we live in, the jobs we have or how successful i am.
but with her eyes and her smile. and how her eyes glow when she smiles. that she loves tomatoes in her salad and will happily eat mine, because i don’t. that she hates the toilet paper coming from the underside of the roll…
and that she is beautiful, even when she is certain she isn’t.
and the fact that she loves me. and that i love her.
these are the things i will remember
–
i dont know who you are… but i’m here. broken, imperfect, blemished…. and in so many ways, a failure of a man. im pieces, held together by grace.
but i will let you eat my tomatoes.
–
love is walking on water, while the storm rages all around. and its knowing that if you begin to fall, someone will be there to catch you.
there are moments in life when we know that something bigger than us, has reached out and in some way, changed our lives. moments when we know that our little lives have been brushed by a beauty we do not understand. with something beyond what we currently know. and although we dont understand it, we instinctively respect and honor it.
maybe it was the first time you saw a couple really in love… and even though it escaped your 10 year old minds ability to comprehend, you knew it was special. and somehow, you knew that someday, you would want that too.
or maybe it was a glimpse into someones future. someone who’s life you’d only have a small part of, but you just knew that this life would be great.
maybe it was at a concert, and hearing a then-unknown artist bare their soul on the stage, you just knew that this time next year, success would rain down upon this person.
whatever it was, you knew you had been touched by greatness. and even if you couldnt comprehend all of it, you knew it was wonderful. you knew it was bigger than you ever could hope to be, and you knew that just being there…. was something to be cherished.
nearly 9 years ago, i was touched by such a greatness. and even though i didnt know how long this person would be in my life, or where it would lead, i knew it was special. and i knew that i’d been given a gift, something… someone to cherish. even if only for a time.
and its this person, this time in history, this reason that i write tonight.
because in a little more than 2 months…. this person gets married.
—
late one night almost 9 years ago, when you rounded the corner in the mall as we were both Christmas shopping, i knew i had stumbled into greatness. into something beyond my comprehension. and even though i didnt fully comprehend it at the time, and probably dont now, i knew it was to be cherished. i knew you were to be cherished.
we all have our roles to play in the lives of those we know and love. and as life goes on, our roles change…. people come, and people go.
it wasnt long after that moment in the mall, that i found myself giving, surrendering you back to your Heavenly Father. i knew you weren’t mine to have. and i knew, i just absolutely knew, that i was only there as a steward. that my calling, my role, was to love and support.
i cannot say i was near perfect, but i knew that you were being saved for the man of your dreams. and i am so incredibly blessed, honored and thankful to know that you’ve found him.
i’m sorry i may not make your wedding, my sisters graduation is the same weekend. but please know i’ll be there in spirit. and the tears that fall will be tears of joy.
why? because i was brushed by greatness… and i am better for it.
someday, i hope to find what you have, and write a story of my own… but for now, jenna marie – go! find out what this thing called love is all about. make babies, throw pots, paint, travel, see the world and live your life to the absolute fullest. because you are destined to do just that. you are destined to greatness.
i just came from seeing the Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian.
and i cannot give up. if anything, thats what i walked away from. i dont care if it kills me to find it, there is something worth fighting for.
i was chosen to walk this path. to live, here, now. and i dont know why. because it all honesty, it hurts. but ive come to far. ive followed this path for too long. going back isnt whats next. its not.
there is someone. out there. who i was supposed to meet. to fall for. and to spend the rest of my life with. and i cannot promise a ton, but i promise to love you with every fiber of who i am. i promise to apologize when im wrong. i promise to puruse, and to fight for you. and i pray to be humble enough to be the man i need to be.
and although i feel so out of place, so much like im searching for that place to call home….
im going to cry out. and hope and pray that my heavenly father hears me. because i cannot do this anymore. not alone. not like this. i dont want to be alone.
i’m crying out… and im not going to give up. please, show me the way. show me the path. show me where i fit, where i can find home.
not every post leaves me in tears, but this one did. because i dont know how else to say it. i need You.
This Is Home
-Switchfoot
I’ve got my memories
They’re always
Inside of me
But I can’t go back
Back to how it was
I believe now
I’ve come too far
No I can’t go back
Back to how it was
Created for a place
I’ve never known
Chorus:
This is home
Now I’m finally
Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I’ve been searching
For a place of my own
Now I’ve found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home
Belief over misery
I’ve seen the enemy
And I won’t go back
Back to how it was
And I got my heart
Set on
What happens next
I got my eyes wide
It’s not over yet
We are miracles
And we’re not alone
(Chorus)
And now after all
My searching
After all my questions
I’m gonna call it home
I got a brand new mindset
I can finally see
The sunset
I’m gonna call it home
(Chorus)
Now I know
Yeah, this is home
I’ve come too far
Now I won’t go back
This is home
its a scary moment when the veil is pulled back, and we’re allowed to gape at the sheer depravity that can live inside our own souls.
when we realize, even if only a fraction, of the blackness that can live inside a ‘good’ person, we realize how desperate of a people… no, wait. I learn how desperate i am.
how i am literally… i am nothing.
without Christ, i am nothing, and would be nothing.
and more so now than ever, i need Him. all of Him.
we will never know the depths of the Love of Christ until we allow ourselves to peer into the depths of the blackness inside of us. its terrifying. like the slightest bump would knock me over the edge, and i’d drown in the black. but its in seeing that, that we see how much we need Him. its not that i needed Him more now, today, than i did yesterday… i’m just more aware of it.
of how much i need grace. and of how, without Him – i am nothing
Lord, my words fail to speak of what im feeling. of how much i know i need You. and of how much im crying out for You. for Your grace, for Your touch, for You.
come.
come and change, own, lead, guide, heal, correct, be God in my life. again.
i was born to laugh
i learned to laugh through my tears
i was born to love
i’m gonna learn to love without fear
pour me a glass of wine
talk deep into the night
who knows
what we’ll find
intuition, deja vu
the Holy Ghost haunting you
whatever you’ve got
i dont mind
i was born to laugh
i learned to laugh through my tears
i was born to love
im gonna learn to love without fear
put your elbows on the table
i’ll listen long as i am able
there is nowhere
Id rather be
secret fears, the supernatural
thank God for this new laughter
thank God, the jokes on me
cos i was born to laugh
i learned to laugh through my tears
and i was born to love
im gonna learn to love without fear
we’ve seen the landfill rainbow
we’ve seen the junkyard love
baby its no place for you and me
i was born to laugh
i learned to laugh through my tears
and i was born to love
im gonna learn to love without fear
racing
on a fault line
bracing
for a landslide
conscious
of every move getting harder
has the race gone
underwater?
i keep stalling out
i just cant keep up
there is alarming doubt
am i good enough?
but you keep coming around
to convince me
its still far from over
from over
we are still far
we are still far
we are still far
from over
Mutemath
its not very easy to start a post about this subject. much less a conversation with anyone. but its still something that beats at the very core of my being.
romance. or more accurately, love.
i watched the Truman show today, and i realized something. i realized that there is this quiet yearning in my being for what Truman had. someone to fight for.
there is this deep knowing that there is something, some… one worth fighting for. this knowing that a battle isnt a bad thing, in fact, its a very good thing. fighting for something only increases ones understanding of the value of what you’re fighting for.
i want someone to love. to fight for.
there is this knowing inside of me. thats more true than the lies i hear, and those i tell myself. that is deeper than the pain of history, and past experiences. there is this knowing that speaks volumes in the silence. this knowing that says that some things are worth the risk.
some… one. is worth loving with all i am.
is worth looking like a complete idiot for.
is worth the risk of the biggest rejection of ones life.
is worth the pain, the hurt and the fear that comes from looking at this person, and knowing that to love them they way they need to be loved, one needs to face their own demons.
yes, there is risk, and the possibility of falling flat on ones face. and i could be totally wrong. but sometimes, you’ve just got to do something
there are dances to be danced. memories to be made. a life, together, to be lived.
….
my fear? is that i’ll never be enough. that i’ll never be good enough, or strong enough, or stable enough… to offer that love to someone. that
‘i don’t care of the earth crumbles under my feet i. will. still. love. you.’
love.
the simplicity and complexity of the Christian is that we’re nothing without His unconditional love. we’re empty, broken, void of good. that without Him, and His love – we are nothing.
and its in those moments, watching the moon disappear behind the clouds. watching the sunset… or the stars on a brisk winter night. its in those moments when we feel our smallest, that we realize how much we need that unconditional love.
and how we yearn to give it away.
how we are designed to live this life with others. in close fellowship.
we’re a people of second chances. we’re a people of mistakes, brokenness, and failure. and yet through all that, Christ still sees something in us that He loves. unconditionally.
beyond the desire for romance, i want that gift. to see people as He does. with eyes of unconditional love. with eyes that see beyond the sin, the pain, the brokenness… and see the value of what He placed in them.
….
its how i want some… one, to see me.
and its how i want to see them.
dear Lord, make it so.
if and/or when….:-)
thanks sarah!
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 