You are currently browsing the category archive for the ‘Romance’ category.
there are days that come and go and within what seems like moments, their memory has faded to almost nothingness. days that subsisted almost solely of vapor. days that we fill with what we believe to be the most important things in our lives. work, bills, taxes, car repairs and copious amounts of coffee.
days that blend together until you cannot tell one from the next. days, like any other day.
and then there are days that cause us to pause. that give the gift of forcing us to stop. days that throw us a curve ball, that derail our carefully laid plans. days that bring clarity to a situation when there was none. days full of emotion and pain and happiness and joy and grief.
days like yesterday, when my moms parents celebrated 56 years of marriage. and days like tomorrow, where we will remember my dads mother who was just reunited with her husband of 62 years.
i look at my my moms folks. alive and kicking even though they’re either just over or approaching the 8 decade mark. i look at how many times they’ve driven across the country to visit us or other family members. and how they’re still madly in love after all these years.
and i look at my dads parents, who built a dairy farm from the ground up. my grandfather holding down a full time job while simultaneously milking upwards of a hundred head of cattle every morning and every evening. and even though they’re no longer with us, their legacy lives on.
each of my grandparents raised 6 children. and although no family is ever perfect, they each, in their own way, gave tremendously into their kids.
this weekend has been full of stories. stories of hope. stories that bring tears and smiles, often at the same time. stories that tell of a great man and a great woman who did their best to raise a family. and as i sit here in panera, i cannot help but see that there are footprints out there.
and that gives me hope. hope that change is coming. that the things ive put on hold the past few years are just that, on hold. not lost forever.
i wonder, often, if i’ll be the man that can live up to that calling. to be a man who is still in love with his wife 56 years into things. who could hold down what would amount to two full time jobs just so he could provide for his kids. a man that would leave behind a name that automatically brings respect in the circles that he influenced.
because if im honest with you, thats what i want. i want people to remember me as someone who loved my wife with fierce passion. someone who leaves behind a name that his kids are proud to use. a man unashamed to show his love, to be tender and compassionate. a man, worthy of the stories i will hear this week. a man, worthy of the the stories i want my kids and grandkids to tell.
a man worthy of the author of this story.
i dont want a life full of vapor. and though i learn this lesson all the time, im thankful for every reminder that life isnt meant to be full of car payments and an8-5. that taxes and paying the bills isnt all there is to life. i’m thankful for each reminder that there are bigger things im living for. and that although i would never have chosen this path, i can know and trust that the author of this story is in control. and even if, even when i dont see the next step, He does.
so i will trust. i will trust that this author will take the 8-5, the car payments and taxes, and when the time is right, He will bring the bigger things.
i know recently ive written a lot recently about fatherlessness. part of my reason for doing so is because i see myself as fatherless. and when youre 30 and thinking about the female species, it can be terrifying. terrifying to know you dont have a role model to follow. you dont have someone who walked the road you’re about to walk.
john eldredge in his book fathered by God, talks about a moment he had while on vacation in alaska. their guide took them ashore and offered to show them something most tourists never see. after 20 minutes of walking through forests, they came upon a bog. a wetland, where the earth was more water than solid ground. their guide led them to a path that cut the bog in two. footprints, set evenly apart. footprints of solid ground, where there shouldnt have been any. solid ground, surrounded by wetland.
the guide explained to them that through countless generations, this path had been formed by bears. the adult generation males would teach the younger males the path to walk on, the youth would learn by placing their feet in the footsteps of their fathers.
the reality of this situation wasnt that there was a solid path to walk on, but there were solid places to put ones foot. John talks about standing in awe as his foot landed in a footprint perfectly spaced for a four-legged creature to traverse a dangerous and unsure ground. a footprint formed quite possibly over a millenia. generations of bears teaching the younger ones where to walk. and in doing so, building a foundation for the generations that were to come.
you cant look at a place like that and not think that fathers are unimportant. that fatherhood isnt important. because it is. because it’s in the father that a son finds his true worth. it’s in a father that a son learns to push his boundaries, overcome his limits and grow into the man that he is destined to be. it’s in a father that a son learns how to love, to call the girl, to change oil and fix a flat tire. it’s in a father that a son learns who he is, and who he can be.
fathers were destined to teach their sons where the solid footsteps were. remove a father from the equation, and even though that ancient path exists, even though there are steps laid out for a young male to become the man he is destined to be, you remove from him the ability to find that path.
i think what im learning the most is that this path to manhood was never meant to be walked alone. the younger ones learned the safe places to stand by watching their fathers. by watching the generation before them forge ahead. and they in turn, taught their children.
in the absence of a father, that ancient chain is broken. and a man is forced to step out on his own. and if you’ve ever spent time in a bog, without solid footing, you know it’s almost impossible to cross.
yes, there will be missteps. and im sure before it’s over i will stumble and fall, but i will keep trusting. i’ll keep believing the words i’ve read. ancient words that say there is a Father to the fatherless. that say there is a great warrior fighting for me. ancient words that say that i am not fatherless.
im learning that bravery doesnt always mean victory. and that courage doesnt always equate success. i’m learning that the bravest things we can do rarely reflect the courage you’ll see in a movie. it is rarely glamorous or beautiful. more often than not, you wont find real courage shouting from the top of the mountain turning the tide of war.
im learning that the stories we read, frodo of the shire, william wallace, the spartans, maximus in gladiator, that although each of these characters display the various shades of courage, they paint glamorous images of bravery that dont always translate into real life.
im learning that you’ll find courage in the day-to-day. if you’re looking for it, you’ll find it in the single mom holding down a job while raising a toddler. in the divorcee who still aches from the missing piece. in the teacher who loves her children beyond their hardships and in doing so, changes a generation in their community.
im learning that bravery doesnt always shout. sometimes, in rare moments, bravery whispers. if you’re quiet, you’ll hear it. in the hushed determination of the heartbroken to keep her heart beating, in the whispered prayer of the faithful, in the quiet decision of the wounded, to keep loving.
sometimes the bravest thing we can do is to step out on that branch, give away a chainsaw, and face our greatest fears. even if it means we fall flat on our face.
if you’re reading this blog, then chances are you’ve been to a doctor dozens of times since you were born. from your childhood yearly check-ups to broken arms, from booster shots and minor surgery to emergency rooms and major issues, we’ve all seen doctors.
the average investment in time a person makes to sign their name “MD” is 11 years. 1 1 years of schooling. 11 years of dedication, hard work, tests, progress, mistakes, and learning from mistakes culminates in the bestowing of the title of Doctor.
when a highschool student decides he wants to look into the field of medicine, the road ahead of him, no matter his choice, is mapped out. should he want the distinction of signing his name with those two impressive letters, there is a plan for that. should he want to go into nursing, or radiology, or plastic surgery, or dermatology or any of the dozens of choices he has, there is a defined plan for that path. a plan of challenges, tests, steps that need to be taken and tasks that must be competed.
a student doesnt decide to become a doctor and then wonder how to get from where he is in life, to where he wants to be. yes, there will be challenges. he’ll have to sacrifice sleep, time, money and countless other little things. he’ll face tremendous hardships, but the plan, the map is there. if he sticks to the plan, at the end of those 11 years, he’s a doctor.
this doctor successfully pushed himself through 11 years of training. valuable training, for this doctor may hold peoples hearts in his hands. but if we’re lucky enough to be healthy people, our actual time spent with a doctor during a visit will probably be less than 10 minutes. 11 years of training for for 10 minutes of time.
so where am i going with this?
we know the training a doctor will go through before he is tasked with momentarily holding someones life in his hands. it’s detailed and thorough, as well it should be. doctors are initiated into their profession through a long process of tests, success, victories and i’m sure, failures. and, not to belittle the profession by any means, but that’s just a doctor. it’s what someone does, it’s not who they are.
with so much effort already put into the plan, the map for this person to become the doctor he or she wants to be, it’s surprising that the same amount of effort isn’t already in place for other things a man or woman may want to become. what about the woman who wants to be a mother? or the guy who wants to be the best husband he can be?
what training exists for a man who may hold a womans heart in his hands for the rest of his life…..
and as i sit here tonight, i think about the doctor. and the years of schooling, of sitting under those who’ve gone before, learning from their mistakes. of the countless hours studying any of hundreds of textbooks that cover thousands of situations he may find himself in. and i wonder.
why is this fatherlessness thing so big to me? i’m not going to be a doctor, that’s not my calling in life. but someday, i hope to be a husband. and thats huge. someday i’ll hold the heart of a woman in the palm of my hands. and i want to know what to do. i want to have gone through 11 years of learning, studying, absorbing the wisdom and learning from the mistakes of the countless men who’ve gone before me.
i’m learning a lot about this thing called fatherlesness. and as much as i know people dont view that as a big deal, it is.
it is for me.
why? because there is a guy. and because there is a girl. and this girl deserves a man. a man who knows how to love her. and fight for her. a man who knows where he came from, who’s been through the training and has learned from the elders, a man who is skilled and capable and strong of heart. a man who doesnt question his lineage but knows the ancient paths that have been walked by men for millenia. a man, initiated into this thing called manhood, by the men who’ve gone before.
why is all this so important? because beyond doctorates and medical degrees, beyond 11 years of schooling and 10 minutes per patient, beyond whatever profession i chose, who i am and who i become are infinitely more important.
and because loving her will be the most important thing i ever do.
i’m beginning to believe that this year will be defined by my search for significance. for meaning. for purpose.
i dont pretend to believe that i wont face battles this year. as many internal, as external. i know i’ll make mistakes, there is no doubt of that. this? scares me. becoming the man i want to be, becoming an (adam) scares me. i like answers, i like having them. i dont like stepping into situations without a plan, without having thought through the various outcomes and how i would respond to each. it’s the control-freak part of me. and i hate being that way.
i hope putting that out here, actually saying that i struggle with it, is a step in the right direction.
when this year draws to a close, i want to be able to say that i found my significance, my meaning, my purpose and source of strength in the One who is authoring this story. in the One i can trust.
i’m one week into my 30th year. and my prayer is that at the end, i will be able to say i lived a year worth living, to its fullest. that i learned to dance, fall in love, let someone in, and let things out. i want to stand at the end of my 30th year knowing i loved fiercely, with all i was. that i loved unconditionally. that i, well, simply this
i will offer up my life
in spirit and truth
pouring out the oil of love
as my worship to You
in surrender i must give
my every part
Lord, receive the sacrifice
of a broken heart
part of this journey, of these letters, will be facing my demons, my fears, my wounds. and bringing them to light. and last nights post, was just that. was what i hope is the beginning of this journey.
because if i truly want that change, if i truly believe that my future (eve) is worth the task given to me, if this dream is worth sacrifice, then it requires an honest appraisal of who one is. i cannot get where i want to be if i dont accept the simple truth about where i am. last nights post, was me, planting a flag on the map of life that said you are here.
it’s not my final destination, it’s not even tomorrows destination. but for this moment in my life, it defines a portion of who i am. at times, that portion seems huge. and at times, the definition seems huge. but they’re not final. they dont reflect my hopes, my dreams, my goals. or the type of man i want to be.
when this year began, i promised myself that this year would be a year of trying new things. of stepping out of old patterns of thinking, old ways of doing things. and my flag, next year, that says “you are here” wont be where this years is. it wont. because this is the year things change, i change. this will be the year definitions change.
that’s it. that one phrase defines who i am. defines my fears, my sleepless nights. my confusion filled days and moments of take-your-breath-away terror.
i dont know how to do this. i dont know how to be a man. i feel like a teenage kid stuck in a grown-up suit two sizes too big. i feel terrified. i can change the oil, pay my bills each month and look the part of being a man. but the important things are the things i worry about. falling in love, actually loving a woman the way she should be loved, becoming a boyfriend, husband and father… those things, i dont know how to do those things. i dont know how to be those things.
how do i present myself as a viable mate when all i know, the “how to be a man” handbook i was given was written my by father? where, how do i find the role model i need when so many years ago i gave up and came to the understanding that i’m alone and that ive got to make it on my own?
how do i find a role model, how do i find love, when i’m simply too afraid to let anyone in?
i want to love her with all i am. i want to care for her, be a light and an encouragement. but i want to love her from a heart that is free. the heart of a man. and maybe this is what fighting for someone really looks like. maybe im finally realizing that this is where things change, where pretenses and beliefs long ingrained begin to crumble. maybe this is where i face those three defining words and begin to see them changed.
Jesus – i dont want to miss her. whomever she is. i dont want to miss the chance to love her for all she is, with all i am. please, do this work in me, because i cannot do it on my own…
i’m not usually one for writing an end of year wrap up or typing out a list of resolutions for the year about to dawn. but this is different. this year has been different. and as the chapter of life labeled 2010 readies itself to be written, tonight is just… different.
i dont know if i could put my finger on one reason, on one specific moment this year that is causing this. maybe its the fact that this new year means more than just another year. the world simultaneously enters a new year and a new decade, and on saturday i turn 30.
maybe its those things, but i dont think so.
i think this is based on the fact that im not who i was in 2008, and tomorrow, i wont be who i was in 2009.
2009. a year of change, shock, challenge, pain. new hello’s, and what will probably be last goodbyes. victories and failures. grace and mercy. beauty and life. and so much of all of those came in one week this december.
part of me hurts to see this chapter of my life close. part of me is looking back at my 20’s wondering what happened. wondering how on earth i ended up where i am right now.
but part of me is reminded of something else. part of me is remembering two very dear friends of mine who after each living their own stories of heartbreak and single parenthood, found each other. and how earlier this year, a beautiful blended family was created.
love. overcame. all.
and that gives me hope.
why? because it shows, proves to me that love is out there. that life exists on the other side of 29. that even in the darkest moments and loneliest nights, God isnt done. that He can be trusted, even when we dont understand. and it reminds me that there are people out there worth fighting for. that endless beauty exists. and that when you find someone worth fighting for, you fight for them with all you have.
2010, the year of trying new things. of taking risks. of giving out chainsaws and never looking back. the year, the year that….
love. overcomes. all.
i came home tonight and i kept telling myself that i am where i’m supposed to be. that im there for a reason. that this responsibility i feel really is that, responsibility. and not just some over developed sense of something like guilt. that i’ll be back in new york when the time is right. or i’ll pour my heart out to that amazing woman when everything is finally where it should be.
maybe tonight i need to realize that this wasnt promised to me. that i wasnt ever promised a path that would give me the white picket fence and 2.4 kids. maybe i wasnt promised an easy road. maybe im realizing that what my heart beats so longingly for, is something worth giving up what i’ve gained.
donald miller, in his book called Searching for God Knows What talks about adam and eve. he speaks of the world God created, a world devoid of death, decay, crime, pollution, hatred and fear; a world where sin was absent. he speaks of God creating the animals, the plants, the sky, the firmament, the sun, moon and stars, all culminating in what we commonly see as the pinnacle of creation – man. and amongst this perfection, surrounded by every need being met in abundance, God said to adam that it wasnt good for him to be alone.
adam was perfect. surrounded by perfection. created by a perfect God. and yet God makes it perfectly clear that it was not good for Adam to be alone.
if you were to ask me, i’d probably embellish the story a bit. id want to say that adam was created with a yearning inside of him. a yearning for something that he had not yet seen. an emptiness inside that longed to be filled.
the facet of this that donald miller brings to light is something ive read dozens of times, and always missed. in one verse, God states very clearly to adam that it isnt good for him to be alone. i believe God confirmed to adam that he was created with this longing. and yet in the very next verse, God has every created thing present itself to adam. God gives adam the task of naming each creature that filled the earth.
what we dont realize, is the timing. if you believe in the idea of creation, then you need to realize that the task given to adam was no small matter. this wasnt something adam completed in a few minutes or even a few days. Adam was given the responsibility of naming somewhere between 10 and 50 million creatures. if you split the difference and say 30 million creatures, at an average of 1000 creatures a day, 6 days a week, adam may have easily spent the next 10 decades naming these creatures.
it’s almost as if God told adam “you shouldnt be alone” and then proceeded to show adam every single creature on earth, and why it wouldnt be his match. why it wouldnt fill the need inside of adam to love in a way that he’d never known.
i wonder if adam felt the same way i sometimes do, if – after God confirms for him something he’s felt since he was created and after he spends countless days naming each animal – he began to question. question if there was that someone out there for him.
i wonder what is written between the lines of those two verses. what adams nights were like.
i know i serve a perfect God with a perfect plan. i’m not arguing that. i’m just wondering what adam went through.
after 100 years, adam finally completes his task. and God creates eve. flesh of his flesh and bone of his bone. i wonder if it took adam any time at all to realize that eve was wholly different. different in every way from everything he’d seen in his century of work. if perfection could have become more perfect, it did in eve.
so where am i going with this?
it’s you. and thats what i’m finally realizing. this is for you.
im not saying im your adam, but i do know beyond any doubt that you are an eve. you’re worth what adam went through. you’re worth the endless days of work, the refinement inside of adam that must have gone on. you’re worth the century of waiting adam went through. you’re the prize that adam finally realized was waiting for him. you are worth fighting for. you are worth the innumerable days and nights of waiting on this perfect God and His perfect timing.
it’s not me. and that’s the other half of what i’m finally realizing. that this is really for you.
i cannot sit here and tell you that i want to be your adam while knowing i fly 1700 miles away in less than two days. so this isnt about me.
this is about you. and my prayers that you’re encouraged. that you realize that what you’ve always known existed inside of you is something of endless beauty. that i know it must not be easy to be single and almost thirty. i know that. but please, hang on. wait for that man who will be your adam. who’s willing to follow the perfect voice of a perfect God and His perfect timing. that man who needs an eve to be on the other side of the task he’s been given.
you are an eve. always and forever. it’s not something you can change, you were born that way.
so please, dont give up. dont settle.
your adam is out there. and he’s fighting for you. and he needs you to be there, when his task is done.
today, i am thankful for dreams.
and for gentle reminders that the dreams placed in my heart, arent lost.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 