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thats the only thought in my head this evening. and its a fitting thought to end today. because it describes the past few weeks.
i could go into details. i could tell you about how i watched 60 people i considered close friends lose their jobs. how i started my new job. how i saw my sister for the first time in 11 months. and how i said goodbye to her. how i found out two very close friends of mine had been raped.
but i wont. the above? just the titles. no descriptions. no details. just a glimpse into the past few weeks.
some of this has me wondering, crying out… why?
why? that question may never go away. a lot of what has happend will never find its way into the will of any God who calls Himself love. it cannot. for those were acts not commited in any form of love.
part of me wants answers. part of me wants to scream and shout and demand someone pays.
but another part of me, the majority of me. wants to see hope birthed. hope birthed in my friends lives. in their dreams. in their passions and in their love.
i want to see new life, new hope breathed into their very beings.
i want to see healing and freedom and victory over what has happened.
this, this is my hearts cry. freedom. healing. hope. its why i started http://findhope.wordpress.com. and its why i want you to check it out. send your stories. send your words of encouragement, your cries for help, or your stories of hope.
just reach out. because… because there are people out there. who want to help you. who want to offer you hope. and who want to walk though this with you.
blessed be Your name
on the road marked with suffering
though there is pain in the offering
blessed be Your name
every blessing you pour out
Ill turn back to praise
when the darkness closes in Lord
still I will say
blessed be the name of the Lord
blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
blessed be Your glorious name
you give and take away
You give and take away
my heart will chose to say
Lord, blessed be your name
i wrote the following back on 11/20. i include it here because it is a snippet of who i am. and of who i am becoming. because it is about parts of my heart ive neglected for far too long… that are slowly awakening…
–
i read your blog today; and i realized then why you’d seemed so busy. you’ve found someone. and to be honest, i was jealous. not just that you’ve got a someone in your life… but because it was you. am i saying that i wish it were me? in a way… yeah. i am.
why? and more importantly, why didnt i say anything earlier? because you’re special. you’re an amazing woman and you deserve a man who knows exactly who he is, and what he wants… and most importantly, knows that youre exactly the one for him.
and im none of those things. one day, for one girl, i will be. buti knew, that for this period of time, my own feelings aside, i needed to step back and simply pray you’d find that man.
and now i pray you have.
i do pray you’ve found him. and, please, forgive my bit of jealousy. you’re an amazing girl. and there isnt anything more i want than for you to be happy. for you to find that guy, that one. and i hope you have:) i do.
–
there are times we need outside influences, outside circumstances to shake us awake. to bring us to the place where we realize something about ourselves, about our hearts. sometimes those moments bring utter wonder, as we realize how much we’ve changed, and grown. sometimes they bring a hush, and cause us to to listen to parts of who we are. parts that went silent a long time before. and sometimes they bring shock and revulsion, as we learn how quickly we can fall.
even with the lack of people in my life in texas, im learning my need for friendship. for leadership. for a dream. for a vision to follow. and for leaders who will push us towards that dream.
i pulled our college/career pastor (randy) aside sunday. id been to the 20something group at our church a few times already. and honestly, i wasnt captured.
i asked randy if we could get together sometime soon. i want to know what his passion is. what puts breath in his lungs. what gets him up in the morning. i want to know his passion for this group, for this generation. because im looking for something, a vision; and someone, a leader to get behind and push.
why? because part of me knows that the next few weeks/months may lead to many changes. someone once said, the hardest thing to do is sometimes the right thing to do. so when the changes come, i hope i welcome them with open arms.
this lifes not like you wanted it
his eyes, i can see again
i need you here
in your mind, nobodys listening
its your right, not to feel again
just breath again
feels like, your world is caving in
and i cry, failing to understand
i wish i can
its all right, if your missing him
in his eyes, you can live again
free within
time after time
i walk the fine line
something keeps brining me back
time after time
im going in blind
i dont know which way i need to go
time after time
i cant see the signs
do all these roads bring me back to you?
-POD
Going in Blind
i think im looking for a fight. i am. i think ive finally begun to realize that even with all the drama, with all the heartache and pain and fear that came with the past…. there are things about it that i miss.
i had a mission. i had a battle to fight. even -if for a time- i was simply fighting for my life. i was still fighting. i had a goal. a vision. it was blurred, and charred, and it was never very clear, but i had vision. and passion.
Christmas is coming. like it or not, its less than 2 months away. walmart has been selling decorations and trees for weeks. i saw my first christmas themed commercial a few days ago. ive already heard carols… its coming. and i pray that with it, new vision comes too.
for once upon a holy night, 2000 years ago. shepherds saw their calling. wise men took heed of the signs, men heard “follow me”, and they left it all and followed.
these were real people. people with issues, and challenges, and personal demons they fought… but they were the chosen. they were given this message to carry to the world. and the world was never the same.
so as we, as i, approach this holiday season, i pray that you will find me standing in awe of the beauty that is around me. i pray for renewed vision. for renewed passion. for renewed joy. i pray for, hope.
i pray to leave all behind, follow Him… and be chosen.
somewhere over the past few weeks, ive stopped feeling. ive gone from living life, to slipping into neutral and just coasting. ive traded my emotions for a painted on smile; and hopes made of dust.
and even with all thats gone on in my life the past few weeks, i cant even post. this is literally my fifth or sixth attempt.
i want to know that this isnt it. i want to know that there is more. i want a big giant reminder that life is going to continue. that there is more to what is in store for me than just this. i want to know that there is a reason to hope… because somehow, ive stopped hoping.
i want to know there is more. i want to be reminded of a destiny.
i want to know that im far from over. that there is a hope to be had. that dreams are still worth dreaming. and life is meant to be lived fully.
and even if it means confronting these areas in my heart where there is nothing but hurt. where im still lost, and crying and…. these areas that still ache, then so be it.
because i cannot live life, as it was meant to be lived… not feeling.
there are times in our life when we must let out a cry. a cry that resonates from within us, but at times, is so drowned out by the noise and numbness of the everyday that we lose it. that we forget it is there.
we forget that this life is meant to be lived fully. that people are worth loving. and there are eyes that see through our tears, our fears and the years we wasted and still love us.
we forget that there is a thing called destiny. that dreams were meant to be chased. and that love is worth the cost.
we forget that life…. is just that. it is life.
we lose sight of this cry. of this passion that is birthed in each of us to reach out, take a hold of whatever strands of cord life throws at us and stubbornly refuses to let go. we lose sight of the determination to make new friends, experience new things…
and maybe, if were lucky… find this thing called love.
dont give up on me yet
dont forget who i am
i know im not there yet
but dont let me stand here alone
this day
all i want is You
there is no one else
who can take Your place
ive seen it all
and its never enough
it keeps leaving me needing You
take me away
take me away
ive got nothing left to say
just take me away
its finally happened. the paperwork has been filled out. all that is needed now is a trip to the courthouse. my parents divorce is only days away.
its been 5 years to get to this point. and now that its almost here, i have no idea how to feel. to be honest, im not even sure ‘if’ i feel. i feel numb. and in more situations than just this one.
i mean, come on, this is huge. isnt it? or at this point, is it a non-event? is this parsley on the dinner plate; the ‘final touch’ but basically pointless?
i know, its good to have it on paper, legally. but wow, i dont feel anything.
i wrote the following back in july 2006, while on vacation in florida. i was dealing with a lot of different thoughts and emotions and i felt… i hurt. and i wrote. and this was what came out.
july 2006
more than a thousand miles from the place i call home, and less than a thousand feet from the atlantic ocean. welcome to my vacation. im about halfway through my time here in florida. the weather has been beautiful. hot, but unlike texas, a constant breeze. and the nice thing is that it actually cools off in the evening. I have had a productive few days; ive made friends with the local wildlife (that being, we now have 2 or 3 families of ducks that come right up to the sliding glass door on our deck looking for breakfast / lunch / dinner / snack), ive learned that playing chicken with waves when the tide is coming in all but guarantees that you will lose and ive driven all over I95 and can tell you quite a bit about it.
and on a different level, at dinner today i realized that im not as infatuated with “fun” and “doing things” as i once was.
maybe its because of how long its been since i spent more than a few hours with those i consider close friends. with people from NY. but im realizing something the longer im here. i dont want fun. i honestly dont. id give up all the fun of this week for 2 hours, 2 solid hours of uninterrupted, unhindered, open, honest communication. id love to just be honest and real with someone, anyone. id love to meet someone here other than the cute but non-communicative feathered natives. i mean; they honk, and they’re very adapt at letting you know exactly what they want, but they dont make the best beach walking companions.
maybe its me, maybe im simply sabotaging my own chances of having exactly what i want. maybe im…. afraid of speaking up and saying, “you know what, i really dont want to spend the day walking around outlet malls” and “no, im not ok. im not ok with life. im not ok. i miss my sister. i hurt. my god i hurt. and i just want to stop hurting”.
maybe im simply realizing that im angry. angry at God for the past two, heck… 5 years. angry at the loss. at the take-your-breath-away feelings of loss and abandonment. maybe im realizing that i cannot continue to be angry, to be hurt; but that i must start asking the hard questions. i need to realize that wounds cannot heal until they are felt. i cannot experience the life i want until i experience the life i have. until i let myself feel the hurt, the pain, the abandonment, the questions of why. the screaming that is ablaze inside of me cannot be quenched. no amount of retail therapy or quiet sessions on the beach, no amount of good times or hanging out with those i consider friends will put out the fire that is fueled by hurts that go beyond emotion and scar the very fabric of our beings. soul hurts are the hardest to heal, because for some reason we humans believe firmly that they are things we should never talk about.
im dying to talk. i guess thats what im getting at. im dying for someone to simply say they care. i dont have any idea where to go with these feelings. and im lost as to how to handle them.
maybe thats where having a father figure comes in handy. i mean, im 26 years old and im slowly coming to the conclusion that if you have a father figure in your life for only one period, it would be between 18 and 25. those are, for me anyway, the times when who i was began to fade and the man i am to be, started to form. and im sitting here now and i can honestly tell you i have no idea what it means to be a man. none. period.
im lost. and that thought scares me more than anything. i have NO idea how to act around a woman. now, dont get me wrong, i can treat a lady right and i can be the gentleman…. but im 26, and im single.
i dont know how to handle the overwhelming feelings of utter incapability to be who i am supposed to be. a breadwinner, the head of a household, maybe even a father of my own one day. and yet, on that same token, i cannot imagine bringing kids into the picture. i dont have a clue on how to be a father, so why would i want to bring children into the picture?
im realizing that i dont even know how to judge my own growth.
im reading “to own a dragon” by donald miller right now. its his reflections on growing up without a father figure. i only picked it up yesterday and its already moved me to tears. i see myself in his writings. its scary.
don talks about a special he saw on the national geographic channel a few years ago. a documentary on elephants. 20 orphaned elephants that were rescued and brought to a wildlife preserve. he spoke of watching these adolescent males enter into well, puberty. and how during this one time in puberty (that mind you, is supposed to only last for a few days) an elephant in the wild separates himself from his mother and begins to seek out an older, more mature male elephant. when found, these two become almost inseparable. the elder male teaching the younger the finer points about being an elephant; how to handle the pressures, feelings, strengths and weaknesses that elephants inherently have. and the younger elephant offering protection to the older male.
its during this time in an elephants life that elephant children die, and the elephant adult is born.
unfortunately, the adolescent males that the documentary followed were unable to find elder males to help shape, mold and guide them. this led to a period of ‘sexual frustration’ which was only supposed to last a few days turning into a much longer ordeal. these physically adult males were lost. they had no idea how to handle the stresses, pressures and feelings which burned inside of them…. and it led to outbursts which i did not realize happened in nature.
these young elephants would amble up beside an unsuspecting rhinoceros at a water hole and with no warning would plunge their tusks into the rhino, pinning it beneath the water until it drowned.
they were that frustrated. and that lost.
i am that frustrated. and that lost.
maybe youre one of the lucky ones who grew up in an intact home. who never had to feel the sting of being left behind, of losing all you hold dear. maybe you dont know what it means to have the closest person to you walk away, walk out of your life and never look back. if you are, consider yourself lucky.
there has been this ache, following me. overflowing into everything ive done the past few days. and the thing is, ive no idea where it is coming from or how to handle it.
im on vaction. and i cannot get over this. i dont even know what “this” is. im just, lost. and hurting. so much.
and i want to go home.
can you believe that? im on vacation, and i dont fly out for another 3 days…. but all i can think about is how desperately i want to go home. my god there must be something wrong with me.
maybe i had this idea of how this vacation was going to go. maybe i had too many hopes and dreams of refreshing, of revitalization, of renewing and re-energizing. maybe what i wanted, and what was supposed to happen on this trip dont line up. im not actually sure.
but i do know that i should be able to say that im wishing i handnt spent the money. that i could be working right now and doing something productive with my time.
would someone please tell me what is wrong with me?
———-
i almost feel like i need to post a disclaimer, and say that florida was amazing. because it was. it absolutely was. its 300+ photos of one of the best weeks in my life. it was 8 days with people i love more than life itself. the trip would have been worth 10x what i spent. i dont regret going in the least. heck, im already planning for 2007.
but sometimes even in the midst of paradise we need to deal with the dark areas of the soul. and by writing the above, i was doing just that.
life is not only watching the moon rise over the ocean… its also the fight to simply reach the shore.
what i wrote may not be fully correct, or right. but you know what? it came out of who i am. it came out of the moments, the places inside of my heart that are still beating. it was honesty. and im afraid that im losing that. that im somehow losing the ability to feel things deeply.
i want more of that. i want honesty. i want moments without make believe.
at this point? id rather simply be real and be absolutely wrong; id rather expose the dirt in my heart and simply be real, be the me that i am, than be right and be fake… and die on the inside.
i hunger for the storm. i hunger for the moments when i cant help but rely on someOne else to save. i dont want to be self sufficient.i almost feel like im drowing in this abyss of normalacy. and i dont want that. i dont.
i used believe in
some kind of feeling
that could change everything i thought i knew
but that door has closed
and my heart feels like its frozen
if You hear me
i cant feel You
‘Be quiet. Put your hand on your chest. Feel your beating heart. You are alive. ……….live.’ – David Crowder
life. changes.
it happens. and most times, there is little we can do about it.
but you know what? im going to be ok.
i am.
somewhere between the end
and the point where we begin
theres a fire burning brightly
thats found its way to dim
when the feelings gone
shine on shine on
and onto something new
its long and overdue
I will remember you
shine on shine on
and let the other see
you’ve got your victory
will you remember Me?
I was with you in the valley
and up upon that hill
so take just one more step in front of you
for I am with you still
you still
and your not alone
shine on shine on
and onto something new
its long and overdue
I will remember you
shine on shine on
and let the others see
you’ve got your victory
will you remember Me?
can you see my hands are open?
im am waiting just ahead
and you think you needed it all now
but you needed Me instead
shine on…
somewhere between the end
and the point where we begin…
needtobreathe
-shine on
He is exalted
the King is exalted on high
i will praise Him
He is the Lord
forever His truth will reign
heaven and earth
rejoice in His holy name
He is exalted
the King is exalted on high
and that, is all that matters
i almost always stay up past midnight. most nights its just the unintentional drive to stay awake until im exhausted, but tonight; tonight was different.
tonight was intentional. tonight…. today actually, we celebrate. our dear Saviours birth.
In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to his own town to register.
So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.
And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”
Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.”
When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.” So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.
may we rest tonight in the company of angels, in the joy of shepherds and in the determination of wise men. may our hearts be again opended to the reality of Christs birth, the simplicity of salvation and the joy that this season brings. may our hearts, our minds and our spirits be filled with His, and with all of who He is.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night
i know we dont talk as often as we should. and i know that its my fault. i guess part of me still holds the last 4 years against you. part of me is still scared that your some malicious person just waiting for me to be happy again. just waiting. holding the other shoe over my head…. just waiting for the right time to let it drop.
im learning that i am a conflicted person. and as afraid of you as i am, im also hungry to worship you. hungry for friendships that will reflect your love. hungry to be surrounded by people who arent ashamed to proclaim your name. your truth. your freedom. your love.
im hungry.
you show me who i am to you, and yet i still see with blinding clarity, who i am to me. and sadly, i look at the me side more than i look at the you side. so maybe its not you im afraid of. maybe im afrad of me. and my utter unworthyness. maybe its my fear of you seeing how horrible i truly am. and no longer wanting to love me.
its the prodigal son, standing at the darkness of the doorway, just outside his Fathers dining hall. looking longingly into the light of the room. watching the feast. watching the joy… crying as he sees the uncondtional love that his Father pours on his guests.
its the desire to step out of the dark, and leave the grime encrusted clothes behind… walk into the light and just be loved. its the hunger to be me. its the hunger to know…
to know you
this is the air i breathe
this is the air i breathe
your holy presence living in me
this is my daily bread
this is my daily bread
your very word spoken to me
and i
im despereate for you
and i
im lost without you
and i
im desperate for you
and i
im lost without you
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 