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i know, it has been a long time since ive really poured myself into this blog. ive had so many things to talk about. so many things in me that im realizing, that im afraid of, that i dont want to see, that i want to pretend dont exist.
to put it simply… i am afraid to hope.
that phrase, afraid to hope, came to me earlier today right before dinner. Mom bought each of us kids two books. two of her favorites. and honestly, my first reaction was one of fear.
it was a blessing to me. and i knew that. i concsiously knew it was meant to be a blessing. i knew that. it was something nice my mom wanted to do for me. it was, as she put it, a mushy moment. and i was scared.
im afraid to take anything that ill get emotionally involved in. im afraid to open up, to hope. to offer any part of my self as vulnerable to anyone. simply because i, simply because i dont want to lose anything else.
its a really sad and pathetic thought process. it was however, born out of the need to cope. now, its a chain thats drowning me in a sea of hopelessness.
i lost so much, that having anything that could be lost, simply terrifies me. i dont want to lose my family again. i dont want my past personal failures to determine my future. i dont want to lose my family again. i dont. i honestly, truly do not.
i lived 3 years apart from them. i did it. and i proved to myself that it could be done. and now that im back, i dont want to be apart again. at least, not under negative circumstances.
i want to hope. i honestly do. living in a hopeless existence is living in death. but im a very analytical thinker. and i want guarantees. i want promises. i want to know ill be ok. i want to know my family will be ok.
why do i still feel the same
though everything has changed
the pain it cost
now i feel lost
inside of my own name
though everything has changed
the pain it cost
now i feel lost
inside of my own name
but i keep running
i am running
i keep living for the day that im with You
that im with You
the past has left its stain
and i have felt ashamed
ill seize the day
if you take away
the chains of yesterday
and i keep running
i am running
i keep living for the day that im with You
and i am waiting
i am waiting
i keep waiting for the day that im with You
new day the sun is shining
seems im closer to finding
that life is more than what we hide
no way that i am turning
as along as the sun is burning
now it seems that all i want is you
to fear hope, is truly, to fear all that life can be. to fear hope is to remove all chances of being wounded, to remove all opportunity for hurt, to keep at arms length all that may damage or crush ones soul.
to fear hope, is truly, to fear all that life can offer. to fear hope is to remove all chances of being in love, to remove all opportunity for joy, to keep at arms length all that may bring completion, blessings and honest compassion that may help heal ones soul.
to fear hope, is truly to fear all that life is.
i dont want to live life like this.
dont give up on me yet
dont forget who i am
i know im not there yet
but dont let me stand here alone
dont forget who i am
i know im not there yet
but dont let me stand here alone
this day all i want is you
there is no one else
who can take your place
ive seen enough
and its never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you
take me away
take me away
ive got nothing left to say
just take me away
someone once said that there is love in the red letters. and i believe that the best thing i can do right now, is close with those selfsame letters.
bless the Lord, o my soul: and all that is within me, bless His holy name. bless the Lord o my soul and forget not all His benefits. who forgives all your iniquities, who heals all your diseases. who redeemeth your life from destruction, who crowns you wit lovingkindness and mercies, who satisfies your mouth with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagles.
the Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and plenteous in mercy. He has not dealt with us after our sins, nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. for as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is His mercy toward them that fear Him. as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
but the mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting upon them that fear Him, and his righteousness unot childrens children….
bless the Lord all His works in all places of is dominion, bless the Lord o my soul.
so im not sure why im deciding to post tonite.
ive been thinkin just a little bit about a question someone i care for asked me a few days ago.
why do we have winter?
now understand, tthis question was posed during a period of subzero windchills… (minus 30 tomorrow)
i ended up speaking with someone else earlier this week about a cello we had gotten a chance to listen to. a 300 year old, $40,000 cello. and we ended up talking about the Stradivarius Violins. about how pure and beautiful they sound…
and how, they just figured out why these specific violins outshine all others.
its the wood.
the wood they’re made with was taken from the tree line of a mountain region. the trees at this altitude were the first ones to fight through the cold ground and actually thrive… just a few feet higher in altitude and all plant life stops.
this is where the wood came from.
and it was because of the insane winters, the gale force winds, the blazing heat from the sun…. the overall harsh living conditions, that created a wood that was more dense than anything out there. the very cellular structure of the wood was different than that of violins made from the same type of trees from less intimidating evrioments.
this wood, in the hands of a master, becomes something of beauty. something that now is valued in the millions of dollars. something that was more than the simple sum of its parts.
so to answer the question…
our winters force our roots to go deep. we either fight through what we’re going through… or we die.
if we choose to fight, we’re forever changed. and one step closer to being something beautiful…
when played, in the Masters hand.
so i seem to have this thing with becoming heavily involved in, shall we say “left of center” tv shows. first it was buffy, now – angel.
so in tonites episode, one of they key characters has a surprise visit from his father. the father being portrayed as overbearing, unapproving and downright hurtful at times pales in comparison to the final few moments of the show.
without going into plot details im sure will bore you… the episode climaxes on the roof of a highrise with the father threatening the life, the very essence, of our main characters boss/friend. the boss/friend character had a very colorful past and although he was now good… the father couldnt see past the well, past.
so you’re left with the obligatory standoff – father and son pointing guns at each other…
and just as obligatory, our main characters love interest walks into the scene at the most inoportune of times. sensing only danger for the boss/friend character, she doesnt worry about her life.
as things come to a peak, the son is able to remove the ‘weapon’ from his fathers hands. not the gun mind you… the weapon.
this, frees the boss/friend character from any threat.
during the final exchange of father-son words, the father turns the gun on sons love interest. again, very obligatory.
so i find myself sitting here knowing that there is gonna be some sort of fight scene. some form of violent confrontation between father and son. up to now, it had only been words. but that was going to change in moments.
or so i thought.
the moment… the very second the father turns his gun towards the love interest… muttering something about threating someone his son truly cares about…
bam, bam bam bam bam bam…. bam bam bam
without hesitating, our main character EMPTIES the entire 9 round clip into his father. shooting him until he hits the ground.
i sat there stunned. not because of the incredible plot twist… but because of what it said to me.
this son, destroyed his father to save the one he loved.
this son… gave up a huge part of his life for a woman who he hasnt even been totally honest with about his feelings…
without hesitation…. his life changed forever.
without hesitation.
im struck again… sitting here in my darkened apartment…. lost within my thoughts… within my heart.
i should be the one who chooses to do what i know is right… without hesitation. i should be the one preparing my heart for Him. for His presence. for His life. for His purity.
i should be ready to change my life… for the One i love… without hesitation
so tonite, im intentionally not gonna post much. i know, its been quite a while since ive posted anything of note. its been a very hectic few weeks.
just letting you all know im alive.
and i specificlaly wanted to thank dawn for commenting:-) welcome to my life dawn. feel free to stop by anytime.
you guys should check out her site. you can do so here. good stuff. very good stuff.
i realized something earlier today while waiting at a traffic light on the way home. here i am in a city of hundereds of thousands of people rushing home between 5 and 6pm…. we’re all in a hurry to head home, make dinner and start the rushing back to work the very next day…. very few of us are lucky enough to not feel any stress… most of us arent even paying attention to whats going on around us…
our thought patterns exist on the plane of “if it doesnt impact me directly, i do not want to think about it”…
and thats the way, i feel, the world spends the hour between 5 and 6pm. heck, its normally the way I spend the hours between 5 and 6.
so here i was… sitting at a traffic light, and i was – amazingly enough – not so stressed to have missed this example.
as i sat there, this guy walked down the street… he obviously lived nearby for he was walking his dog… and, like most dogs, the furry, slobbery creature was running this way and that, chasing leaves, scents, and everything else that caught his eye, or nose.
this dog… lives his life for the “whats next”. he lives constantly believing that there are new, amazing, unexplored scents to discover… new things to see, and new animals to chase…
right under that leaf! or… if i could only chase that squirrel ::yank:: oh, right… the leash… oh wow, new smells! oh boy a cat!! ::bark bark bark::
this dogs life was one full of joy. of hope. of excitement. this….. dog…. was teaching me what it means to truly be alive.
thats my prayer tonite…
to be so enraptured by life… to be so madly in love with truly living that all else fades. to be so in love with the One holdling my “leash”, that i no longer worry about my worth…
to live free. free to chase squirrels… to have fun. to not worry. to not fear….
to truly live.
so what if people say i live like a dog… at least then ill know, im truly living.
so my plan for this post was to let fly with a gut-wrenching, heart on my sleeve, no holds bar message to whomever my future wife may be.
but i realized that, although my thoughts and feelings for you, whomever you are, may be very intense…
it wouldnt be me tonite.
so, simply, quitely, my prayer tonite
is that i wait for you.
and that i will love you with all i am.
may you rest knowing that the One who placed each star in heaven – knows you by name.
